Mediocrity

"I keep us in the present and you look out for the future."
-- Scrubs

It's funny how women spend their time fantasizing err, agonizing about what "the future" will be for their relationships when men, only think of it (generally) one date at a time. I think it's better to be not too paranoid about it because happiness passes you by when you over-analyze things. Women,i believe, are more prone to planning ahead especially because it's women who become more emotionally-attached...and women are the ones who are compelled to wait (again, generally). But my life's been different, i used to date a lot, i used to meet up with men to just know what kinds are "out there". It was actually fun, i even used to see myself as a Serial Dater (thanks to Abby now Ava for coining that term for me). It got tiring. I dont know if i'm growing old or if it's because i basically know what "types" of men exist that i lost interest, but somewhere along the way, i just stopped dating.

I do not have a clear picture of who i wanna marry. I think it's mediocre. Quoting Paulo Coelho, "My loves die even before they're born." ..."If im looking for true love, i first have to get mediocre loves out of my system." but what really is a mediocre love? What is mediocre love for a woman, like myself, who looks back and is sure that she never really loved anyone that wholeheartedly?

I remember having this conversation with a friend about oblivioviousness and happiness. He asked me, "Is a person who can travel really better off than a person who doesnt get to travel but who doesnt really want to travel?" I asked him, "Why is he oblivious? I guess it's just his defense mechanism because he cant travel." But what if he honestly doeant want to travel? Is a traveller really better off? Well, i guess not. The same goes for love, for companionship... Is someone who is in a relationship with commitment better off than someone who doesnt really wanna be committed? But what if this person who firmly believes that she doesnt wanna be committed only has such a decision because she doesnt have a grasp of the happiness that she can actually experience when she finally decides to commit to a relationship? Is she still better off?

"Loneliness is the worst of all tortures."
---Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

I got into a conversation at Starbucks with a few of my friends and we talked about being single. One of us is scared of loneliness. Of not being in a relationship. One of us is tired of being a good girl. My other friend (who recently had the courage to get out of a pretty destructive "friendship" with that someone who doesnt really give him importance and who doesnt take care of him), during one of our Yosi breaks for the night, talked about how this OTHER GuY makes him feel that he is too dependent on him. Only after he decided to let go of him. Only when he decided that there are things that you have to let go of. That there are certain stories that has to end on a sad note. I saw the different faces of loneliness, aside from the kind that i'm feeling. THat kind that's concealed. THat kind that doesnt have any manifestation when other people are around. THat kind that haunts me and tortures me.

I smile all the time. I want to smile because i have reasons to smile. I want to REALLY SMILE.