A Cluttered Mind's Reflections on D. handler's Adverbs

Attraction

“Love is hourly, too. There are stories about people who have loved someone forever after laying eyes on them for a few minutes and then nevermore, but these stories have not happened to anyone we know.” 

The magic of loving someone forever after one moment? I think it happens everyday. These stories never get told because they’re embarrassing. It’s like submitting to the idea that love, really, is illogical and uncontrollable. And that, my friends, is the plot of catastrophe. Love is a decision, right? A commitment that you get into when you’re ready, and sure and unafraid anymore? Right?

Seriously, haven’t you had that one day when a stranger catches your eye for merely walking right in front of you and you silently tell yourself, “He could be the one.”? Haven’t you had that weird moment when someone you've been spending time with, a friend, literally transforms right before your eyes and at that weirdest of moments, you acknowledge that you are, indeed, in love? Isn't it a common thing to be smoking with someone while you secretly wish for the universe to conspire and make that unintelligible shape that the smoke from your cigarette and his combine into the mushiest heart-shaped form?

The truth is, love happens - everyday, every breathing second, every regular minute – whether we acknowledge it is a different story.

Falling “Deeper” in Love

“No, when you love someone you spend hours and hours with them, and even the mightiest forces in the netherworld could not say whether the hours you spend increase your love or if you simply spend more hours with someone as your love increases.”

Oh, the mystery that is loving because you’re needing or needing because you’re loving. Does love really increase? Or does it seem to increase by the level of dependence that you develop for the other person? This is exactly how over thinking things can ruin the greatest of love stories.  Because if we find the answer to the question, what does it really result to?

If the answer is that love is directly proportional to the time you spend with the other person, then time and proximity become significant factors in the relationship. But isn't love supposed to be a thing in itself? A feeling, a commitment, a decision that conquers all? How much faith must one put in love?  When does one draw the line between loving unconditionally and conditionally?

On the other hand, if love remains constant but the need to be near your partner increases with time, aren't we depicting a picture of love as selfish and discontented? Doesn't it go against the premise that love makes you a better person? Isn't a better person someone that is more capable of a more mature and selfless love?  

Finding the answer yields to doubt either way. To be honest, I think falling deeper in love makes you feel a lot of new things that make it hard for you to cope. If you have been dependent all your life, you need to rise above the pressure of doing things on your own to ensure that your partner can grow, too. If you have been independent all your life, you need to surrender some freedom to be part of a couple that grows together in a relationship.

So, this is my answer: You can ask all sorts of questions about love but the main question is, “Do you still want to be loving the other person despite all the possible logical answers?”

I sure hope the answer is a yes or a no – because being a maybe says a lot about you than about your relationship. 

Regret

“And when the love is over, when the diner of love seems closed from the outside, you want all those hours back, along with anything you left at the lover’s house and maybe a couple of things which aren’t technically yours on the grounds that you wasted a portion of your life and those hours have all gone southside.”

Let me just say that when “love” does not work out, I almost always feel so cheated. Not the third-party kind but the “how could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me” kind. It’s the curse of the blessed extroverted introvert. People have become so comfortable in sharing their dreams, thoughts, secrets and innermost desires to me that I have wrongly imagined these confessions to be promises of building a future together. God knows I become so emotionally, intellectually and physically invested that when it doesn't work out, I feel like I have given up so much.

But that’s the thing – all these “investments” that I think I have contributed to the non-relationship only happened inside my head. From the outsider’s point of view, I was just being me – a really good friend slash emotionally-detached listener who always says the right things.

Ok, I got lost in my thought.

The bottom line is this, most of the time, the things that you give in a (non)relationship have been freely, voluntarily and lucidly given by you and have not been explicitly asked by the one that you love. Fine, discreetly asked and expected by the partner but YOU made the decision to give them because at that exact moment that you were giving up your time, hell, your life… you felt that what the other was giving you was worth it, or so much more than what you were giving up. It is always a calculated risk based on the hope of mutualism. That empty feeling after things fell apart is not regret – it’s loss. It’s not wanting to turn back time and make different decisions but wanting to profit from a sunk cost[1].
  

Moving Forward

“And so you sit like a spilled drink, those missing hours in you like an ache, and you hear stories that aren’t true and won’t bring anyone back. Things happen and you never get over them…”

The other night, I was having quite an interesting discussion with a friend / officemate over beer (for her) and iced tea (for me) and I remember her saying, “I choose moving forward over moving on because when you move on, it seems like you are trying to forget everything, including the pain and I don’t believe in that – but when you move forward, it’s coming to terms with pain and deciding that life goes on, and that you just have to live with that pain because it has become a part of you.” I’ve said it before and I will say it again, everyone must accept that there is honor in pain. In a former blog entry, I said, “… you realize that pain, really, is just a wonderful front act. You get hurt, once in a while, with some periods more painful than the others.”

Move forward because your main act is happiness. Move forward because the stage is wide and everyone is waiting for you to perform the greatest act of your life – to love and to be loved in return.

You’re ready.

---

[1] In economics and business decision-making, a sunk cost is a retrospective (past) cost that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered. 

The Better Half of 2014

As we say goodbye to 2014's first half, let us all take a moment and remember all the risks that were taken, the moments that were golden and the people who were there to catch us when we thought we've fallen and become fallen.

 Para sa lahat ng na- #seenzone, #friendzone, twilight zone at nam-mroblema sa #tzone, para sa lahat ng sumugal at nagmabagal, para sa lahat ng nagmahal, minahal, at gumastos ng mahal, para sa lahat ng umasa, nagnasa at nagpakasasa...

 Hindi pa tapos ang laban. Ang kalahati ay katunog ng kalapati... At mababa man at mataas, kaya mong lumipad.

 #ThoughtBubbling#IntrovertMindExtrovertHeart #BetterHalf2014

Decluttering Cluttered Thoughts

image from ThingsWeForget

"So just live, make mistakes, and have wonderful times. But never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly, where it is that you are going." - Sex and the City

The Checklist

Last night, my friends and I got into a discussion of how we picture our significant others to be. What would s/he be like? What qualities do we expect them to have that will endear them to us? My answer was simple; he would be someone whom I respect enough to consider his opinion – not exactly to follow what he said but to at least think about my decision in consideration of his stand. That is a big deal for someone who has been making her own decisions for herself all her life. I admittedly cannot change my innate stubbornness anymore, but to have the willingness to consider someone else’s opinion is, at least for me, already a big leap.

Abby told me that my attitude can be quite deceiving. That at first glance or encounter, I would not seem to be intimidating when in reality, I could be quite domineering and controlling. I jokingly declared that this only affirms my inking that I can sometimes be a scheming bitch. Anyway, this whole discussion got me into thinking of how we sometimes allow ourselves to mentally write a checklist of the characteristics of our elusive “The One” not to fully tick every single box but to test who will be worthy enough to make us forget about this checklist.  

We are actually in search of someone who will unknowingly allow us to go beyond our standards because s/he is worth it.

Manifestations of Unconditional Love

Another question that came up was as to how we envision unconditional love as manifested in our everyday interactions. My answer was this, “Unconditional love is someone’s ability to look at me and know that something’s wrong, and without saying a word, taking the time to hug me (preferably from behind) as a silent assurance that everything will be all right and that he will be there to try to protect me.” He will be my constant - the remaining orderly thing in the mess that is my life.

One of my guy friends said that it is easier for women to have an idea of how love is manifested because women are more capable of unconditional love compared to men. I was baffled by this revelation because I have always believed that anyone should be as capable as another in terms of this universal concept that is love. But he explained that with women, it would seem like we are more programmed to love without expecting anything in return. I tried to think about how this has come about and can only come up with one explanation – we are more able to handle loving someone from afar because the society has taught us to not act on our feelings and wait until the man confirms that the feeling is mutual. We are more capable of loving unconditionally because we are able to show our love albeit discreetly without giving away our true feelings.  Society screwed us up.

Sometimes I regret not being able to aggressively pursue the men I like… not that I have not done that in the past, back when I was more carefree and was more ready to feel pain, back when I really had nothing to lose but time. I was fearless because I thought I can afford to lose time. I did not fully understand the concept of time being “of the essence.”

On Being ‘OUT THERE’

"And I'm worried...I, I'm afraid that he took away my ability to believe. And I hate him for that. Because I always believed before. And now I just feel...lost. And I am, I'm trying to put myself out there, but... I feel hopeless." - Sex and the City

“I did not expect you to be a girly girl.” my friend taunted me, when I expressed that at present, I am more inclined to wait it out than actively pursue anyone. I guess it all stems from my evaluation of how I have played the game since time immemorial. Nobody can say that I was not out there because I was, I REALLY was. I have put myself out there, played the part of a journeying romantic, had my heart broken over and over again to find love - only to be stuck in the same place that I was when I started. It has obviously not worked for me. But this is what I have learned – ‘Love has no specific formula and no amount of thinking can ever solve this illogical puzzle.’

But in the end, it will make sense. I need to believe that it will.

The Honor in Pain

image from ThingsWeForget

“I wake up, feeling nothing. At one point, I was looking forward to seeing him with another woman so I can feel again, but when I did, that thing that I was scared of happened. I felt nothing.” (7 September 2011)


Last night, after a wonderfully challenging Quiz Night in Capricciosa, Greenbelt 3, three of my friends and I opted to end the night with a round of alcohol. Yes, we do one rounds, surprisingly and we are capable of doing a post game analysis of a Quiz Night pretty well, too. Naturally, after what seemed like a never ending round of jokes oozing with sarcasm and a plan to organize THE party of the century, we got into a discussion of our mutual status of WALANG WALA (totally nothing). It all started with a realization of my and another friend’s inability to write again. If you know me, you will understand the frustration that I am feeling for being unable to write anything. I am pretty passionate about capturing raw emotions and writing about them in my blog. I feel that through that exercise, I am able to treasure extraordinary memories so I can look back someday with a contented look in my eyes.

Something must be wrong. A Eunice that does not feel is not the real Eunice. I am able to extract feelings by merely looking at a stupid chair, how can I not feel anything about something?

I have been wondering for the past months about what state I am currently in. I’ve been running around this city and a few cities outside, doing everything and nothing. I go home late, feeling happy about what I have accomplished and drifting to sleep with a smile on my face. Yet, when I wake up, I feel that nagging feeling of emptiness. It’s like I am complete but someone or something has taken away a part of me that I can never get back. Then I get dressed and that fleeting feeling of emptiness disappears, magically and alarmingly.

Then, Kris Aquino dragged me to hell, err reality. While I was preparing to go to work this morning, I was half watching, half deciding what to wear, when Melissa Ricks began to talk about her breakup with her long term non-boyfriend who recently announced that the breakup was mutual only to be refuted by Melissa’s silence when asked to confirm that declaration. Kris said, and I quote, “Boy always tells me that you have to honor your pain.”

CRAP. You have to honor your pain. And just like that, everything became clear. It actually is true. Although the happiness that I feel with the people I spend my time with, I believe, is genuine –and I’d like to think that their happiness is, too… almost all of us are actually in pain. We talk about it, jokingly, sometimes with a hint of wisdom but we never really dwell on them. May it be the pain of not being able to love, to the pain of not being loved back, the pain of doing something that you’d rather not do, the pain of not doing anything, the pain of doing everything and not being recognized for your everything - we all are in different levels and categories of pain.

We are not honoring our pain. We are looking past them, like they are informal settlers being concealed by pretentious colorful walls along a main highway. We know they exist but we’d rather ignore them because honestly, it scares the shit out of us.

I remember writing about living with pain and I said, “One thing I learned about living is that, “Pain is inevitable.” The moment you are able to come to terms with that, you realize that pain, really, is just a wonderful front act. You get hurt, once in a while, with some periods more painful than the others.”

Therefore, I take it back, once in a while, you have to let pain get to you. You have to sometimes honor your pain, dwell on your weakness and allow others to be strong for you, instead. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have anything to look forward to.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again –“Live with pain but don’t live IN it.” Honor your pain so you can honor happiness more. A real victory is not won from beginning to end. A real victory is being hurt, injured, and scarred for most of the battle but emerging as the survivor. A real victory takes away everything from you only to give back everything and so much more.

A real victory honors pain but lives through it so stories may be told and memories may be passed on. A real victory looks at pain through its mocking eyes and says to its face, “I honor you but, bring it on, motherfucker.”

ANO RAW?

Friend: E kayo, kelan kayo magpapakasal ng boyfriend mo?
Girl: Ewan ko ba dun. Sabi nya pag hindi raw nag end of the world ng 2012.
Friend: Paano kung nag-end of the world?
Girl: Edi wala. End of the world na diba?

ANG LABO!

Overheard in Agave, Serendra

The Rambling

Here’s what I need you to do. I need you to get over yourself and stop basking in the glory of being my “the one.” And when I blog about love, please don’t arrogantly presume that it is your love that I speak of.

When people tease me about not being able to move on from this one great love, don’t give me that knowing smile that glorifies your certainty of it being you.

If I say that I don’t like playing games anymore, don’t silently contemplate on what you did to make me think that you’re playing with me and my stupid heart and effin’ with my brain.

And when I say I still love him, never ever walk away. Because even if these things that you are sure of are absolutely true, one thing remains the same… I want to be friends with you. Not to wait for your love nor to make you realize that it is I who is destined to be with you, but to make you understand that in the same way that I consider you to be one of my best friends, I am yours too.

That’s what still matters. That’s what still counts.

Now, what are you still doing in that pretending-to-be-discreet corner, awkwardly looking at me from afar?

Throwing the Trash

When you make fun of my heart,
You don’t make fun of me
But of the you that my heart
Found so worthy to love.

When you mock what I felt,
you don’t mock my love
But the friendship
that we once so proudly spoke of.

When you make fun of yourself
and decide to mock this friendship,
You help me not regret
pretending we never met.

Now, go play with your friends,
while I continue loving mine.

The Warning

It's okay to repost my entries but please, PLEASE give credit where credit is due.

They say imitation is the greatest form of admiration. BUT plagiarism is ANNOYING and BLATANTLY OFFENSIVE.

The Things People Ask Google

In Other Salita

In Tagalog:

Nung tiningnan mo ba ako, nakita mo rin ang takot
na dinala nito? Naaninag mo ba ang pagaatubili,
ang pagtatago na pilit kong pinapalitan
ng pagngiti at paghawi ng aking buhok na sa totoo
lang ay hiniling ko na takpan na lang ang aking pagkatao?

Nang hinawakan ba kita, nalaman mo na handa na
Akong ibigay sana ang pagtitiwala, ang pagkalinga
At ang pagmamahal ng nangungulila kong puso?
Pasensya ka na, mapatawad mo sana ang lahat
Ng pagtunganga, pagtahimik at pagsasawalang-

Bahala na ginagamit kong sandata laban sa’yo.

Hindi naman talaga laban sa’yo, kundi laban
sa posibilidad na maaari akong mahulog
at mapahamak sa pagtugon sa mahina pa
sanang tinig na nagsasabing ikaw, sana ikaw,
pwedeng ikaw, bakit ikaw? Mas malakas kasi

ang tinig na nagsusumamo na
sa ganitong pagkakataon, mauna na muna ako,
isipin ko muna ang sarili ko, mahalin ko muna ako.
Bakit hindi ako? Kasi pag nangibabaw nanaman
ang ikaw, magmimistula nanamang saling-pusa

lamang ang ako na sana’y maging bida naman
ng storyang tinatawag ko paring buhay ko.
Nang di natin namalayan na magkadikit na
ang ating mga tuhod, hita, kamay, mukha,
damdamin! Ako lang ba o parang sanay na sila

na magkasama? Ako lang Ba o parang matagal

nang hinintay kita? Ako lang ba o nanumbalik na
ang parating palang nating alaala? Ako lang ba?
Ikaw rin ba? Pero sa pagtatapos ng mahaba
At masalimuot na tanungang ito, Ang tanong parin
ay kung pwede nga rin ba ang tayo? Ako lang ba?

Itutuloy mo parin ba ang paghabol
sa kayo? Muli, natatakot nanaman ako. Kasi

kung tama ang palagay ko, matatapos na
kasabay nito ang guni-guni ko na sana tayo.
Kasi ang paglalaban ng kayo at ng tayo, yung
Huli ang medyo dehado. Sana lang sa desisyon
Mo, kahit na konti, maisip naman ako.

At ang paglalaro na laging taya ang puso ko.
-------------------------------
In English: Where are you and what’s up?!

DUGTUNGAN

(poem was originally titled “Marking the Close” but since my friends couldn’t help but contribute in Facebook, i just need to repost this, kung gusto nyo pa sumama, GO LANG!)

Sayang nga.
Kasi parang wala nang panahon
at wala na ring pagkakataon.
At kung meron man,
nagkakaubusan na ng rason.
Pero kung nauna ka na sana
At narinig ko na agad,
Di ikaw na ang kasama
At ako na ang rason.
Pero marami nang nangyari
Sa mundo mo
At sa mundo ko
Sa lahat ng pangyayari
Hindi ikaw ang kasama ko
At sa’yo, hindi naman ako.
Sa ngayon masaya naman sana
Kung minsan nakakatawa
Gusto kong sabihin na
Ikaw na lang sana.
Pero ang weird naman non diba? (E.Monsod)

kung minsan may umaaasa
kahit alam hindi naman talaga
mabuti na ang pumusta
kaysa buong buhay ay nag akala. (J.Hernandez)

Ngunit kahit mga panahon ay naaalala
Ang mga tawanan
At mahahabang usapan...
Wala paring panghihinayang
Dahil kahit sandali lamang
Ako’y masaya
Na tayo’s nagkasama (M. Ylagan)

At kung dumating ang panahon na,
ang pagpapaalam ay katumbas ng HINDI NA,
wag mong kakalimutan,na minsan ay dumaan pa…
Para ang pusong nanaghoy at nangulila,
Ay sabihin sa mata kong, tiglan na ang pagluha... (E.Monsod)

at kahit bawal ka mang mahalin,
hindi dahil sa hindi dapat,

at alam natin, alam nila,
na para sayo, hindi ako sapat......

Pero sana naman wag akong pigilan,
Malamang hindi naman ‘to tatagal ng kailanman,

Sa ngayon pagbigyan mo na,
Alam natin, alam nila.

Hindi naman hihingi ng kapalit,
Sarili ko’y hindi ipipilit,
Hindi naman ipagdadasal,
Na sana bukas ako rin ay iyong mahal…

Alam natin, alam nila, na sa ngayon,
Mahal na mahal kita.

Blah blah blah. (D. Pano)

My Little Tribute to Tita Cory

“I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include.”
-Père Henri, CHOCOLAT

As an attempt to stop myself from weeping for Tita Cory’s death, I stopped watching television for a few hours and decided to watch Chocolat instead. I watched it for the nth time and it was one of the best decisions I made in the past months (I haven’t been making a lot, in fact, I haven’t made a few). I have been meaning to write about the death of “the woman in yellow,” but I just couldn’t figure out how. I recognize that I am not in the best position to talk about Patriotism at this point, especially since I started this hiatus to prepare for the bar, four months ago. It felt like I couldn’t give justice to Madame President’s death if I write about something that is not personal. So, I am honoring her by applying her teachings to my life as a bar reviewee, as a struggling future bar-taker…

When we sacrifice, work hard and do our best no matter what, we tend to expect people to understand us and recognize our effort. We feel frustrated that people are not adjusting to us, not being responsive to our needs, not being enough. That is the problem. We have the tendency to blame people for not caring, for not feeling what we feel and for not understanding us that we tend to forget that the essence of sacrifice is not recognition but inspiration. Inspiring others not by imposing on them what we think should be done but by showing them that we are happily carrying our burdens because it is, precisely, ours. Corazon Aquino’s husband was imprisoned and assassinated. Her government was challenged by a series of coups, she was looked down on for not knowing enough… for not being enough. She sacrificed a lot for a country that didn’t only disappoint but even actively hurt her. Then, as an icing to the really sad cake, she got cancer. But she never saw it as a justification to be vengeful, hateful or even the least hurtful. Instead, she saw it as an opportunity to teach everyone the lesson of patience, forgiveness, love and faith.

As bar examinees, we always jokingly say that we have the right to be cranky, to be inconsiderate… to be taken care of. It is perfectly understandable, especially at this point when we feel the pressure of the impending doom that is the Bar Exam. We are so engrossed in our preparations that we forget that other people are living their lives too. The world did not stop turning when we began to study for this supposed make or break exam. These people too are facing challenges that are different from ours. This is not to underestimate the mental and emotional suffering that we all are going through, but this is to remind us that we chose to be here. We must not forget what we are fighting for, why we chose to embark on this journey. It is not to alienate people but to eventually include them in a better life that we wish to have after we achieve our dreams.

It got me into thinking, have we at least said thank you to the people who tirelessly prepare meals for us, who put up with our tantrums that we brand as stressed-induced, to everyone who has irritated us for asking how our reviews are going even if at the back of our minds we know that they mean well, to our family and friends whom we have temporarily excluded from our lives just because we want to focus on the bar? Have we stopped for a while to recognize that we have hurt others by being apathetic, for being unstable, for being the monsters that we have become as we struggle to become supposed better creatures of the law? Have we at least tried?

Do we really have to lose control over how we act, how we feel, how we live our lives? Did we really earn that right? I don’t think so. I take it back, “The bar is not a justifying circumstance for everything.” It mitigates but it still makes us liable for how we have altered our ways and how we unconsciously affected others. There is no excuse for being rude, for being impatient, for being insensitive, for being inconsiderate… for forgetting humanity. Yes, we are having a hard time, but it doesn't give us the right to give others a hard time too. Cory didn't see it that way. She had a lot on her hands too, you know... HER WHOLE LIFE.

What the hell are we complaining about?

HAPPINESS; Retail and Wholesale

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were having one of our regular online conversations when he let me into his theory on happiness. I was ranting about not being able to sustain a stable relationship and the inconsistent surges of happiness in my life when he asked me, “What if in life, you are not really meant to find that one source of happiness? What if these broken episodes of happiness are what it’s all about? What if happiness is in retail?”

It made sense. In effect, my episodes of happiness have been consistently inconsistent. Yes, the episodes do end, but instead of thinking of these memories as being replaced by newer ones, let’s just say that our happiness is cumulative. It’s rational and a little sad for a romantic. All my life, I’ve had a lot of moments of happiness, from different sources, from different persons whom, at one point, I loved or at least cared about. Following my friend’s theory, my ONE GREAT LOVE does not exist, there are a number of fleeting loves that are like pieces of the grand puzzle that is happiness. The theory is so practical; it fits a lifestyle that is always on the go, a lifestyle that thrives on changes and mobility.

But the real question remains: In a world that is so fast-paced, should we be content with retailed happiness?

Our missing pieces are within us, we feel empty when we allow ourselves to feel empty. If we acknowledge that we have everything we need inside and that we are fabulous on our own, someone equally fabulous will come along and we’ll know that the time for retailed happiness has ended. There’s nothing wrong with retailed happiness, I think this is what makes us grow. If you already feel complete, content and ready to face the world alone, if you’re not looking for the missing pieces of your own happiness jigsaw puzzle anymore, you’ll find another already completed puzzle beside you, not to complete you but to complement you.

Happiness in retail is just a prelude to wholesale happiness… and wholesale happiness begins when we are not looking for happiness for ourselves from other people anymore

25 Random Things (joining the bandwagon)

1. I was Little Miss Anito (don’t even ask), Little Miss SM, but I wasn’t allowed to join Little Miss Philippines…My parents convinced me to not embark on a journey in show business by bribing me with two Nintendo Family Computer Games, Popeye and Donkey Kong Jr.

2. My childhood sweetheart is the kid in the 500 peso bill, giving flowers to the soldiers. He went to the seminary, went out and didn’t go to my 18^th birthday. He claimed to have courted me back when everyone was crushing on him (grade 4) but I only found out in college. I got angry because I could’ve had bragging rights if I had known that we were hanging out after choir practice because he was into me. When I was in nursery I had a love team whom I only remember now as the classmate I used to call Shaider.

3. I was first honor from Kinder 1 to 4^th year high school. Perfect attendance from Kinder 1 to fourth year high school except in kinder 2 (had chicken pox) and grade 1 (little miss SM). My achievements substantially decreases as I grow older.

4. I used to bully my playmates into playing Office-officean instead of bahay-bahayan. I stopped playing Chinese Garter in Grade 4 because I started growing breasts.

5. I joined Center for Pop Music Philippines when I was in high school, Performance Artists’ Circle in college. And is planning to join PBB Celebrity Edition while waiting for the 2009 Bar Results.

6. I was a choir member, dated a choir member and was in love with a choir member. Trauma ito.

7. Ironically, i have really low self esteem. I rejected a lot of good guys because I couldn’t bear the thought of people asking why he’s dating me. I see my crushes as men who are out of my league. That’s why I get disheartened when I find out that they like me pala.

8. I love being alone. I don’t like big groups. I feel more productive alone. I do things in my own time, through my own way and I don’t like asking for help.

9. I cry at the silliest of moments. Cannot fake crying when needed (i.e. plays).

10. I dated a warlock. And a stalker. And a creep. And a loose shirt-wearing guy. And a bisexual. And another bisexual. And A lot of artists. And an artista. Oh, and my bestfriend. A lot of other frogs. I am an official freak magnet. Liban lang kay Boyps. Hehe.

11. Bea Alonzo was my schoolmate. We used to be in a dance group together. My friend, Ivee beat her in a beauty pageant. Haha. But she’s a nice girl. Sitti Navarro was my schoolmate too. I used to be more popular. Kidding Sitti. Hehe

12. I cried in my junior prom. I cried in my senior prom.

13. I hate flats. I love stilettos. I hate jeans because I don’t fit in them nicely. I used to be really baduy with my hiphop clothes, bad hair highlights and staple cap . Now I’m just a little baduy.

14. I’ve never been thin my whole life. I blame it on my really slow metabolism. In short, di ako matakaw. When I was in grade school, I always get the “kinakain mo yata ang pagkain ng mga kapatid mo” joke because both of them, despite their really big appetite, are skinny.

15. I love watching movies and tv shows, pause them and take down quotable quotes. I love FACE OFF. My Bestfriend’s Wedding never fails to make me cry, every single time.

16. When I’m in class, I write things that are bloggable.

17. I like everyone, even those who have hurt me. I never get angry.

18. I am very spiritual. i go to mass every Sunday. I pray all the time. I feel bad when I see old people begging for money.

19. I am scheming. All my crushes become my friends because I want them to be. I ignore my crushes intentionally when I see them in parties and loooove to tease them to other women. Projection kung projection.

20. My first dream was to be a ballerina, then I realized that I’m fat, then I wanted to be a newscaster but feared that I might be required to go to dangerous assignments. So, I decided to be a lawyer. I was in grade three when I decided to be in the legal profession.

21. I took Economics because I thought it was all about supply and demand. Nobody warned me that it will be 4 years of calculus. The only college entrance exam I took was the UPCAT. I didn’t go to the UST exam because I didn’t want to miss class. (refer to perfect attendance item)

22. I only said I love you to a guy twice in my whole life. The first one was the biggest disaster. (refer to Proposal letter blog entry)

23. I only asked a guy to go out with me twice. The first one was, again, a total disaster. The second one was a mystery. I never had sex in my life. Not even close to having sex. I am very conservative, contrary to popular belief.

24. I only pay 50 pesos for my haircut. I cut my own bangs. I tweeze my own brows, I wax my upper liphair, I do my own manicure and pedicure. Kasi wala akong pera.

25. always have issues during exams. So….. the bar exam will be a really big challenge. Mejo High maintenance ako pero , I love guys who can “Maintain me.”

Optimism Entry

...because i will never stop trying until that exact moment that the impossibility is clear.
...i know that the little things will matter in the end.
... i don't have to explain myself because i have my own reasons.
... if in the end, it will prove to be a futile attempt, i will be happy that i said yes to the ride
.
ang bottom line, kung meron man may crush sa akin sa law school, magtapat ka na please? haha (inside joke with Ipe, Dial, Nancy)
pero di naman talaga un ang point ng entry na'to... fine, pwede rin.
I am not dubbed as the eternal optimist for nothing.
fight lang Eunice. you're nearing the end of the road.

ACP Hiphop Abs feat. Eunice : A Disclaimer

Ok, this i gotta do to save people from the disappointment that they'll eventually feel for having too much faith in me.

I am not the "instructor". I can never be. Kung alam nyo lang na nilalagnat ako everytime may attempt ako na mag sit-ups. Haha.

So, what's the real story? Ganito kasi.. One lazy morning, Reg texted me to ask if I can head the Hiphop abs ACP. I was kinda dumbfounded kasi nga. (See reason in the preceding paragraph. Then I got a follow up text from B. Nicka. I seriously said, I can't because of the following valid reasons:

1. I have never done any hiphop ab exercise.
2. I am not credible. (Have you seen me lately? Do i have great abs? I have no pack, unless you are willing to consider the layers of fat that I have.)
3. Nakakatawa.

So i replied and suggested Rimo. They both agreed that it's a great idea. I said, if kailangan ng tao, dadating ako.

Lo and behold. I am in the ACP Manual. I am the "our very own Eunice Monsod" that shall head the ACP feat. hiphop abs. THe horror of being the subject of tons of ridicule immediately surface. Got text messages and lots of promises if only to see me lead the way to great abs.

So there. I will still be there. BUT PLEASE, let's not get our hopes too high,.

I really thank the people who believe in me, ang love talaga ay blind. Trust and faith overflows.
BUt if there's anything I can promise, it's that we'll have lots of fun and well, we're gonna sweat it out, literally and figuratively..

Salamat David Tan. Salamat Dial at Gea. Salamat Lord.

I Cringe.

That's what I do everytime I am reminded of that thing I did in college. That "thing" made me a candidate for the biggest loser / stalker / desperate act. It was a pretty pathetic thing to do. But yeah, I did it.
Just like any story, regret comes at that exact moment after you can't turn back anymore. I couldn't even find it in my already sorta cold heart to read that 8-page letter. I couldn't find it in my usually tolerant self to look back at the mush that I haphazardly spread around. It felt like it was the right thing to do, not to mention the words of encouragement I got from the people who actually read it. So I did. Eewy. Haha.

Now, I cringe, laugh and feel a thousand emotions as I once again try to read it. Panalo.
Sample?

Excerpt:
If we bump into each other again tomorrow, or next week or in the next few months, whenever, please look at me in the eyes, please don’t let me pass you by without at least saying hi, please don’t act as if nothing happened. I want you to decide, I don’t care when but if ever you do decide don’t ever let me be the last to know. Take care buddy and never lose that smile, it never fails to brighten up my day… See ya ‘round!


YAK!

...

You don't fool me. Crazy Loser, that's what you are. I know what you did. I PITY YOU.

ATENEO LAW CUP

SHE is HER

She didn't need to hear that. She smiled, dismissing something that probably will bother her for a long time. She is too exhausted to explain, to justify the things she did and did not do. She changed the topic and told herself, "I will show you what I'm made of." She vowed never to be weak, never to admit that her life is a total mess made worse by the responsibility to be her. It's never easy to be "HER". It is like living through a fantasy that she doesn't even want to impose upon herself.

She moves around, smiling, laughing, making people smile, making people laugh. She walks with a skip following a rhythm that is meant to make everyone believe that she is perfectly fine. She accepts the offered words of sympathy, she listens to impressions, expressions, depressions, suggestions. She is praised, postively reinforced, assured that she will be fine. She is criticized to her face, behind her back, through direct statements, side comments and sarcasm masked by jokes that are meant.

She entertains, makes fun of situations at times, of herself most of the time. She doesn't walk, she struts, afraid that if she walks slowly, her bluff will be called. She looks straightly at you through her bigger than life shades, faking self confidence, majesty, royalty.

Her smile is the frame for the tear-painted canvass discreetly mounted in her eyes. Her laughter is the beautifully arranged composition of her unheeded calls for help. Her strut is her version of how she has been wanting to walk away. Her stories are her distorted dreams. Her noise is her concealed craving for silence.
She is more than what you see, what you hear, what you feel. She is her. She's human. She not only bleeds, she gets scarred.