#DearYou, 

Today, I keep playing memories from the past in my head, desperately trying to understand what I did or did not do to deserve a life that repeatedly fails in finding you. 

There were so many instances when I thought I was finally going to to make a breakthrough but they abruptly ended and I willed myself to make it through.

It doesn't matter how many times I fail. 

The tears I shed produce a clearer trail.

A trail that hopes to guide you when you are most frail.

When it finally happens, my love, our hearts will sail. 

We got this. 

Love,
Me

The Chase

#DearYou,

I'm sorry that I am taking so long to get to where you are.

Sometimes, I imagine us to be running around in circles, with me barely catching up with the you that have been trying to catch up with me, too. From afar, while the universe watches us with disbelief, the silliness of this cycle will hit us and what used to be a chase will be a kind of stillness that laughs at our inability to stay.

Someday, you will be smart enough to look my way when I am smart enough not to look away.

One day, we will not be too afraid. Instead, we will regret that with our feelings, we played, when we could have sat together under love's shade.

Today may not be that day but I promise a kind of promise that whatever happens will not fade.

Until our future romantic trade. Until we recognize that for each other, we are made.

Wait for us,
Me

The Hanging Memory

Remember how I would put my arms around your neck

so you can actually feel the beating of my heart?

How you would let this moment linger

by pulling me closer  and letting the space 

(or lack thereof) define

this fleeting memory?

Remember when what used to be a loving embrace

became the agonizing fear that choked us into

letting go?

Remember when I said I love you,

and you said you love you, too?

Don't Be a Stranger

Dear You,

Let me start by saying that I understand why I write to you. Reading all my past letters,  I’ve always thought that I’m doing it for you – that I was writing so when I finally meet you, you wouldn’t be a stranger to me. Now I know better.  I write them not as mere letters but as prayers.

“Did I waste my life?” My friend asked me this question a number of times when he was celebrating his birthday and I would, like instinct, say without a shadow of a doubt that he didn’t. We didn’t. I have to admit, sometimes I feel empty. Sometimes I feel like I could’ve done more than I did. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have succumbed to fear. Maybe I should’ve believed more in my worth.

See, I write to you so I will remember these days. I write to you because I feel that somehow, somewhere, you get me.  I write to you because when my Facebook wall is filled with wedding invitations and baby pictures, I find comfort in knowing that in time, I wouldn’t feel a sting anymore.

I still believe in you. I still believe in us.

One day, when I tell you stories and show you pictures of how I have partied hard, had countless conversations over coffee with friends, and read books to keep myself grounded, you will unequivocally say that it’s time to spend my life with you.  When that day comes, I will gladly inform you that I have been spending it with you – in my heart, in my soul… in my dreams.  

Love,

Me

I Write.

I could be writing this for you. I remember how I looked at you from afar with a stare that could make the hardest and most stubborn of metals melt, only to look away during that split second that allows our eyes to meet.

 I see you, clearly, you never see me.

There are times when I would allow my mind and my heart to wander into the possibility that is you and me… where your hand will not only hold mine but will keep it entwined with yours. Where you will keep me still through a grip that says it all -

"I will never let go."

We say a lot of words but we never really talk. Words come easy, and there are nights that seem to go on forever. Topic after topic, we wonder and wander through silly things, deeper things, but never through our feelings. I dream of you, not the teeny-bopper daydreaming. It's the kind that pierces through my heart that not only skips a beat but stops when confronted with the possibility that it’s you. It could be you.

And then there’s that problem, it’s so minute that I tend to purposely forget. We are nearing the end, way before we even start.

I could be writing this for you… If only you will stay or at least say, or promise me that fateful day When I don’t have to perpetually weigh.

 I am writing this for you.

For everything that’s been left unsaid, for sweet-nothings that have become everything, for silly non-fights, and childish banters… for future goodbyes and occasional bittersweet hi’s. For everything that we shared, for emotions we couldn’t share, for the fun times and for the awkward times…

Don’t just not forget but remember, I wrote this for you.

Just so I can remember… that this could be a prelude to never or forever.

#Photords #introvertmindextrovertheart #LegallyBlunt #Photography #blackandwhitephotography #BlackAndWhite #photooftheday #Poetry #TheStalkerPicsSeries #LegallyBlunt #LegallyGrunt #RealityEverAfter #writersofinstagram #buttonpoetry #listen #findyourvoice #instapoet #shortform #instapoetry 

The Blooming with(out) You

So, let me be resigned

With this path of happiness

That does not need

You

Who break my heart

Everytime you can.

It cannot break anymore

For you and with you.

It refuses to.

Take your flowers
with you. Like our love,
it will never bloom, too.

Love Letter No. __.

Dear You,
Last night, in between that unrecognizable silence after the first song and before the next, I would find myself reaching out for your hand, only that I did not see your hand, and more significantly, that you were not there. I did look for you, in the crowd, so exhaustively that it seemed appropriate to shout.

Breaking away from the party, I looked up and watched in awe as colors burst from the sky. While altering smiling with smoking, with resignation I told myself, "It is true. Some things are meant to be shared with you."

Merry Christmas, Darling. Mistletoes suck without you.

Cheers,
Me.

Throwing the Trash

When you make fun of my heart,
You don’t make fun of me
But of the you that my heart
Found so worthy to love.

When you mock what I felt,
you don’t mock my love
But the friendship
that we once so proudly spoke of.

When you make fun of yourself
and decide to mock this friendship,
You help me not regret
pretending we never met.

Now, go play with your friends,
while I continue loving mine.

The Correspondence

Dear You,

Please do not think that I have, even for a second, forgotten my quest to finally find you, to finally find us. I do get it. I do get why I haven’t met you yet. I sometimes find myself uttering defensive statements like, “I don’t see myself getting married in the near future, not even in the far future.” Or “I am content with being who I am, single and fabulous.”, and honestly, I mean them. Not to be defeatist or anything, but I find it imperative for me to first be happy with being with myself before I, or should I say, we can delve into the matter that is US.

You have become my most cherished thought, my constant answer to the question, “What else should I look forward to?” At this point, besides true financial freedom and everything that comes with financial wealth, I have achieved what I’ve planned to achieve at twenty six. Yes, there are a few imperfections that are in need of tweaking, and yes, there are bumps on the road that may feel and look more like roadblocks than bumps, but they don’t bother me anymore. I don’t see them as roadblocks but as guides. These guides, I believe, will lead me to you.

Here comes the romantic part of the letter. It is meant to be a love letter after all, for you, and about you. I know that either way, with love, you should be able to accept me for who I am, and by now, it is quite clear that who I am and who I will be is something that I have control over. I have come to love myself because I want to give justice to my love for you. I don’t want to be a hypocritical lover because hypocritical love is the worst love. I breathe for myself, live for myself and love for myself not to be selfish but to be able to selflessly surrender to you… at my best. There is no rush for you to get here and well, there is no rush on my end to get there either. You should probably take your time in the same way that I am taking mine.

Be still, even if we are reminded daily of the dilemma of how short life is. I don’t deny it. It is very true. Yet I feel that we don’t need to cram. Remember that when we finally meet, (notice how I say “WHEN” and not “IF” – remember, even FOREVER is a prescriptive term.), we’ll be ready with an endless number of stories to share and the gift of insurmountable eagerness that will get us through memory loss, pain and all things that are ironic in life.

Our hearts beat with a rhythm; listen to our unfinished melody, soon, your words and my words will rhyme. Take care of your heart for me, and I promise, I will take care of mine.

Love,

Me

 

The (Turn)Around

picture from POSTSECRET

One chance after another,

I waited, and hated.

One mistake after another,

I remembered and regretted,

One moment after another,

I faded.

One chance,

One Mistake,

One Moment.

For the last time,

Turn this all around.

Or I will never be around.

The Missed Point

"It wasn’t just my imagination, it was ours.
Yours and mine are these daydreams,

Delusions and memories, blurred into one
Portrait of the (be)loved, fading
into the intricacies
 of our creative non-fiction.

 Open your eyes, or open mine.
Look at me, stare (at you) blankly.
I miss missing you.
 I miss missing you
miss me.

 All because I  missed.
 All because we missed."

 -@legallyblunt, "The Missed Point"
5 July 2010

 #thoughtbubbling #realityeverafter #Photords #introvertmindextrovertheart #LegallyBlunt #Photography #blackandwhitephotography #BlackAndWhite #photooftheday #digital #digitalphotography #monochrome #Poetry #TheStalkerPicsSeries #LegallyBlunt #LegallyGrunt #RealityEverAfter #writersofinstagram #fastfoodfiction #buttonpoetry #listen #findyourvoice #instapoet #shortform #instapoetry

The Deviant Love

Some stare into each other’s eyes,

while we take quick glimpses and sideway glances.

Together, they dream of forever,

Yet we, for what seems like forever, dream of “together.”

They hold hands,
and instead, we hold hearts.

And when they make love,

we wait to see what love will make of us.

#thoughtbubbling #realityeverafter #Photords #introvertmindextrovertheart #BenCabMuseum #Photography #museums #paintings #photooftheday #digital #digitalphotography #Poetry #LegallyBlunt #LegallyGrunt #RealityEverAfter #writersofinstagram #fastfoodfiction #buttonpoetry #listen #findyourvoice #instapoet #shortform #instapoetry

The Conversation We Never Had

picture from POSTSECRET

“So it was me. It has always been me?” You asked.

I rolled my eyes and blurted out, “Yes. It WAS.”

Way before you liked them, way before all your stories

Of admiration thrown at unsuspecting friends,

Way before I realized that it was never ME.

Weighing what I feel, if I still feel

and when I started feeling you wrote, “Why?”

“I was stupid.” In the same way that you were.

For not loving me. For not holding me.

Or maybe you were just being honest.

Too honest for my own sake.

“Did you ever love me?” I shouted.

With pity you answered, “Never.”

I nodded and smiled. “Kinda figured that out.”

Now fuck off. For real. For--ever.

The Guilt that We Built

But every time you look at me,
(Or is it I who look at you?)

 I see it.

 Through your eyes
You say “Sorry.”

 And through my smile
I plea,
“Set me free.”

I can finally be me
when you leave
and let me be.

 - "The Guilt that We Built"
@legallyblunt 

#realityeverafter
#Photords
#introvertmindextrovertheart
#LegallyBlunt
#LegallyGrunt
#thoughtbubbling
#fastfoodfiction

#Photography
#blackandwhitephotography
#BlackAndWhite
#photooftheday
#digital
#digitalphotography
#monochrome
#photoart
#photo
#nature
#photoshoot
#picoftheday
#travel
#travelphotography

#Poetry
#writersofinstagram
#buttonpoetry
#listen
#findyourvoice
#instapoet
#shortform
#instapoetry
#writing
#writer
#love
#quotes
#poem
#poet
#poems
#art 

The Meeting of the Minds

We used to hear I love you’s
haphazardly uttered,
displays of affection
indiscriminately shown

and we wondered, how far
should we have gone to fulfill
these spur of the moment promises
that were conditionally thrown?

After we experienced these silly
butterflies in our stomachs,
after every possible sweet nothing
had been cherished,
after all the mind games
had been solved,

How did we get
into this
then priceless,
now dragging
obligation that, sadly, got old?

What will our decision be?
Will you be with me
or let me be?


--------
#thoughtbubbling
#realityeverafter
#Photords
#introvertmindextrovertheart
#LegallyBlunt
#Photography
#blackandwhitephotography
#BlackAndWhite
#photooftheday
#digital
#digitalphotography
#monochrome

#Poetry
#TheStalkerPicsSeries
#LegallyBlunt
#LegallyGrunt
#RealityEverAfter
#writersofinstagram
#fastfoodfiction

#buttonpoetry
#listen
#findyourvoice
#instapoet
#shortform
#instapoetry

What They Add Up To

I can see clearly now.

What used to be a series of blurred promises
Have become a series of encrypted messages
DECODED.

Now, the message has come across.
You were saying NO to that THING.
Because NO and THING add up
To NOTHING.

@LegallyBlunt,
"What it Adds Up To"

#thoughtbubbling
#realityeverafter
#Photords
#introvertmindextrovertheart
#LegallyBlunt
#Photography
#blackandwhitephotography
#BlackAndWhite
#photooftheday
#digital
#digitalphotography
#monochrome

#Poetry
#TheStalkerPicsSeries
#LegallyBlunt
#LegallyGrunt
#RealityEverAfter
#writersofinstagram
#fastfoodfiction

#buttonpoetry
#listen
#findyourvoice
#instapoet
#shortform
#instapoetry

The Always Ending Love Story

It is a story that’s meant to be told. It hasn’t seen the end yet but it has seen a number of ends already. The beginning was just too magical that it can stand on its own. It started with running away, with leaving the past behind and not being afraid to be alone. It was supposed to be the beginning of her hiding, yet, just like the pot of gold that symbolized hope and optimism, she was found… underneath the chaotic pile of emotional baggage that she humorously called to be “her fortress.”

They weren’t strangers. Their faces looked familiar, in fact, a little too familiar that smiling at each other felt natural. It felt like they should have been doing it since forever, at least to her. Her smile was one of those smiles that she gives when there’s nothing to be said… and his was an awkward one, a smile that needs to be construed every single time. Their story started with distance that either protected or prevented them from coming to that point that has been a part of infinitely numerous stories, the cheesy point of no return. Poor distance couldn’t stand its ground anymore, slowly but skillfully, they inched their way into each other’s lives, with glances, abrupt beginnings, conversations that crawled into their souls… their hearts. The glances turned into stares, the beginnings were transformed into a series of short stories, and the conversations, oh, they turned into confessions, poems, songs and sometimes, into black and white movies reminiscent of emotional boldness.

Then came the twist… an eyeball-rolling, shitty and crappy expected twist. They did fall. They did not fall together, they fell apart. They fell in love… not with each other, but with the idea of having each other. It was so perfect that the idea had to be found somewhere else, in someone else. Both of them were so afraid to ruin its perfection that they both let it slip away. It was so perfect that It had to get fucked up. The stares became looks of longing, the conversations were transformed into moments of agony, of concealed pain, their confessions spoke of what they think can be uttered concealed in shallow jokes. The poems were turned into sad songs and sometimes, the romantic black and white movies just refused to play anymore… their emotional boldness was defensively clothed with hypocrisy, compromise and white but caring lies.

They knew it was it was nearing the end, they were being jolted out of inaction by circumstances. So, they started to run away…from each other. They could’ve run away together. They could’ve come to their senses. They could’ve fallen together… they could’ve seen the miracle that their hearts can create intertwined. They could’ve. She would’ve loved to. After all, she did wait… for a long time. From the moment that he let her in on a childish, foolish but sweet secret. From the moment he let her into his soul by getting lost in her eyes. But he never bothered to ask. He didn’t even stop… he breezed through the whole thing and moved on to a new adventure. Now, all that are left are memories… realizations that this story hasn’t seen its end but it has reached another abrupt ending.

Maybe another twist is written in the stars, or the sun, or wherever it is supposed to be written... only this time, it wouldn’t be an eyeball-rolling, crappy expected one. Maybe after everything, they both will get better from the disease that they have inflicted upon each other… that disease called fear and denial. Or maybe this really is the end. Who knows? Maybe love just took a wrong turn but is on its way. After all, it is an always ending love story. Nobody wants it to end. What everybody wants is for it to unfold… endlessly.

In Other Salita

In Tagalog:

Nung tiningnan mo ba ako, nakita mo rin ang takot
na dinala nito? Naaninag mo ba ang pagaatubili,
ang pagtatago na pilit kong pinapalitan
ng pagngiti at paghawi ng aking buhok na sa totoo
lang ay hiniling ko na takpan na lang ang aking pagkatao?

Nang hinawakan ba kita, nalaman mo na handa na
Akong ibigay sana ang pagtitiwala, ang pagkalinga
At ang pagmamahal ng nangungulila kong puso?
Pasensya ka na, mapatawad mo sana ang lahat
Ng pagtunganga, pagtahimik at pagsasawalang-

Bahala na ginagamit kong sandata laban sa’yo.

Hindi naman talaga laban sa’yo, kundi laban
sa posibilidad na maaari akong mahulog
at mapahamak sa pagtugon sa mahina pa
sanang tinig na nagsasabing ikaw, sana ikaw,
pwedeng ikaw, bakit ikaw? Mas malakas kasi

ang tinig na nagsusumamo na
sa ganitong pagkakataon, mauna na muna ako,
isipin ko muna ang sarili ko, mahalin ko muna ako.
Bakit hindi ako? Kasi pag nangibabaw nanaman
ang ikaw, magmimistula nanamang saling-pusa

lamang ang ako na sana’y maging bida naman
ng storyang tinatawag ko paring buhay ko.
Nang di natin namalayan na magkadikit na
ang ating mga tuhod, hita, kamay, mukha,
damdamin! Ako lang ba o parang sanay na sila

na magkasama? Ako lang Ba o parang matagal

nang hinintay kita? Ako lang ba o nanumbalik na
ang parating palang nating alaala? Ako lang ba?
Ikaw rin ba? Pero sa pagtatapos ng mahaba
At masalimuot na tanungang ito, Ang tanong parin
ay kung pwede nga rin ba ang tayo? Ako lang ba?

Itutuloy mo parin ba ang paghabol
sa kayo? Muli, natatakot nanaman ako. Kasi

kung tama ang palagay ko, matatapos na
kasabay nito ang guni-guni ko na sana tayo.
Kasi ang paglalaban ng kayo at ng tayo, yung
Huli ang medyo dehado. Sana lang sa desisyon
Mo, kahit na konti, maisip naman ako.

At ang paglalaro na laging taya ang puso ko.
-------------------------------
In English: Where are you and what’s up?!

Present Past

“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
-Shine Down

Present Past

It started with a memory,
It ended without hope.
Now the table seems so empty,
My coffee has turned cold.

We used to talk of wishes,
of life and where we’ve been.
Had I known it was all it could be,
I would have stopped before the end.

This is my goodbye to a thousand reasons to cry.
I fought against my heart, resisted to play my part.
I almost fought for us, but goodbye…
My present past.

We used to end our days,
with short walks and secret fears.
You stole my heart before you wanted it,
You’ll never know I want you near.

This is my goodbye to a love I’ll always hide.
I was ready to lose you, even said I won’t miss you.
I guess we missed the bus, so long…
My present past.

My heart believed and my mind dreamed.
I’ll hold on to you ‘til tomorrow
So you’ll hold on to me today.
When you looked at me and whispered,
“Did you know I can control the wind?”
I sadly smiled and whispered back,
“Then fly with me, you’re all I need.”

Goodbye my present past, our story’s fading fast.
Goodbye my present past, this first song is our last.

DUGTUNGAN

(poem was originally titled “Marking the Close” but since my friends couldn’t help but contribute in Facebook, i just need to repost this, kung gusto nyo pa sumama, GO LANG!)

Sayang nga.
Kasi parang wala nang panahon
at wala na ring pagkakataon.
At kung meron man,
nagkakaubusan na ng rason.
Pero kung nauna ka na sana
At narinig ko na agad,
Di ikaw na ang kasama
At ako na ang rason.
Pero marami nang nangyari
Sa mundo mo
At sa mundo ko
Sa lahat ng pangyayari
Hindi ikaw ang kasama ko
At sa’yo, hindi naman ako.
Sa ngayon masaya naman sana
Kung minsan nakakatawa
Gusto kong sabihin na
Ikaw na lang sana.
Pero ang weird naman non diba? (E.Monsod)

kung minsan may umaaasa
kahit alam hindi naman talaga
mabuti na ang pumusta
kaysa buong buhay ay nag akala. (J.Hernandez)

Ngunit kahit mga panahon ay naaalala
Ang mga tawanan
At mahahabang usapan...
Wala paring panghihinayang
Dahil kahit sandali lamang
Ako’y masaya
Na tayo’s nagkasama (M. Ylagan)

At kung dumating ang panahon na,
ang pagpapaalam ay katumbas ng HINDI NA,
wag mong kakalimutan,na minsan ay dumaan pa…
Para ang pusong nanaghoy at nangulila,
Ay sabihin sa mata kong, tiglan na ang pagluha... (E.Monsod)

at kahit bawal ka mang mahalin,
hindi dahil sa hindi dapat,

at alam natin, alam nila,
na para sayo, hindi ako sapat......

Pero sana naman wag akong pigilan,
Malamang hindi naman ‘to tatagal ng kailanman,

Sa ngayon pagbigyan mo na,
Alam natin, alam nila.

Hindi naman hihingi ng kapalit,
Sarili ko’y hindi ipipilit,
Hindi naman ipagdadasal,
Na sana bukas ako rin ay iyong mahal…

Alam natin, alam nila, na sa ngayon,
Mahal na mahal kita.

Blah blah blah. (D. Pano)