I AM SO CLOSE...

drawn by Eunice when she was ten years old

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The last time i posted these pictures was in 2006 with a poem entitled An Inner Child's Melancholy. I wasn't sure if law school's really for me back then.

Now, I am reposting them to remind myself that I AM SO CLOSE.

"Hold on, Euns. You're nearing law school's end of the road. You can finally say, GOOD JOB!"

Ang Nasasakdal

I was browsing through my old stuff and I found this poem I wrote when I was a kid.
Ang creepy ko, talagang korte ang subject ng tula ko.

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Kay ingay ng paligid mga salitang nanginginig
Pangungutya, pagkamuhi, galit para sa akin
Oo! Ako ang nasasakdal ang nasasakdal na binabalot ng dilim
Ang nasasakdal na kalaban ng mundo, mag-isa walang kasama
Nasaan sila, sila na inaasahan ko, pinagkakatiwalaan ko?
Wala, naglaho kasama ng taong aking pinaslang.
Nalibing sa impyerno!
Oras na! Oras na upang ipahayag ko sa mundo ang aking pighati,
Ang katotohanan, naging bulag silang lahat!
Mga stupida!

Natahimik ang lahat, walang ingay,
at dahil sa katahimikang Iyon ay napagtanto ko,
panalo ako.
ANG NASASAKDAL.

Sophisticated? Predatory!

It always feels nice to bump into people whom you have grown up with. It's refreshing to look back at the times when all we had were dreams and our innocent minds were preoccupied by nothing but passion for that ambition. I want that kid in me again. I want that driven girl to emerge from the woman that I've transformed into.

Rhea Salim: ah ok...kaya mo yan!..ikaw pa?!.. you've grown into a sophisticated lady...
Nice: haha. salamat. naks! sophisticated? i dunno if that's the right word for me. more like predatory or uhmm, crazy.
Rhea Salim: just take it...it's more of a compliment...hehehe

I'm saying hi to Rhea, thanks for dropping by my blog and for the wonderful conversation today. It made my day. Apir! I hope we and the rest of the "choir" could get together sometime. Nakakamiss ang ating gradeschool days.

Eastwood is the Place to be.

What are the chances that I'd bump into a lot of people tonight?

1. Pepe and Esmey... lovebirds ha! haha.
2. Tintin... I met her about two years ago in our restaurant in Libis. She's from Miriam. She has a kid now.
3. JC and Mark... they saw my dad [whom they call THE BOSS] while he was waiting for us outside Ensemble.

Anyway, it was a fun-filled night. We treated some of the people who worked for us at Dencio's (bagong-bago. nakapikit pa ko nag-order.. memorized na ang oorderin e. shemps di nawala ang sinugba!)

These are a few of our "Moments of Vanity"..

I'm Creeping ME Out.

I was looking at his pictures as if it's the normal thing to do. I am officially creeping myself out for checking his Friendster profile every time a get the chance. The last time I was like this, things ended catastrophically. Now, if I can only focus on the facts and pay attention to the real life. I should be studying. I shouldn’t be whining about things which cannot positively contribute to my now shitty and totally out of control life. His pictures are on the other window. By clicking alt-tab I can once again look at him and contemplate on why I think we have a chance. But I’m scared that if I start thinking again, I might think my way to doom. Tangina. Wala pa ngang sign na gusto ka niya nababaliw ka na sa kakaisip. For all we know, isa ka lang sa maraming close girl friends na meron siya. Hindi ka pa ba nasanay? Lagi ka kayang "the in-between-girl". The girl after a past relationship, before a future relationship, but never in the present relationship. Tangina.

I read Mister Slyde's blog today. It got me into thinking about how good it will be to sleep and wake up in a totally different place. A better place. But I didn’t surprise myself when I instinctively typed, "I'd rather SLEEP in a way better place. Not waking up is a good option anyway." Where is this pessimism coming from? My life's perfect. My family's great, I have the bestest group of friends. Why is there something way within me that makes me feel like I’m inadequate?

I got to converse with my high school friend Jaycee the other night and he was talking about how he has acquired a totally new perspective with regard to the Catholic church. It occurred to me how things have really changed. High school was just so long ago that if I meet up with my friends now, there probably are gazillions of new things that I will find out about them. It's like we lost that familiarity that we used to enjoy. It was one of the things I used to fear when I was close to my high school graduation. Losing everything that familiar, warm and stable.

Ang ironic. My last entry was entitled Happy Happy Joy Joy only to follow it with a "Creeping me out entry." Damn.

Contemplations of a Budding Anorexic.

This morning i was feeling a level heavier, a level sadder and a lever more complicated. T'was that depression attack I had last night. At one point in your life, you will have to cross that quicksand of emotions. Scratch that, it's not ONE POINT is A LOT OF POINTS. People'll either notice or not. For a lot of people, it matters that people notice. For me, it really doesnt make a difference.

When i was a kid, my childhood friends used to embrak into what we then used to think as TREASURE HUNTING. I would often wonder why the grown-ups never noticed the tons of diamonds (which turned out to be broken glass) scattered in our school's gymnasium. I thought, if only they stopped to observe a li'l bit harder, they'd know that they didnt have to work. I eventually found out the truth.. that the diamonds that i was collecting are all worthless. T'was painful to accept it, especially when you thought you had it all figured out. THe truth slaps your sorry ass and leave a really stingy red mark.

Contrary to how a lot of people see me, i value my solitude. It's not because i dont enjoy other peoples' company but it's because i am able to make way for certain emotions that i struggle to conceal.

PLeaaaaase.. I cant handle depression today.