I'm Creeping ME Out.

I was looking at his pictures as if it's the normal thing to do. I am officially creeping myself out for checking his Friendster profile every time a get the chance. The last time I was like this, things ended catastrophically. Now, if I can only focus on the facts and pay attention to the real life. I should be studying. I shouldn’t be whining about things which cannot positively contribute to my now shitty and totally out of control life. His pictures are on the other window. By clicking alt-tab I can once again look at him and contemplate on why I think we have a chance. But I’m scared that if I start thinking again, I might think my way to doom. Tangina. Wala pa ngang sign na gusto ka niya nababaliw ka na sa kakaisip. For all we know, isa ka lang sa maraming close girl friends na meron siya. Hindi ka pa ba nasanay? Lagi ka kayang "the in-between-girl". The girl after a past relationship, before a future relationship, but never in the present relationship. Tangina.

I read Mister Slyde's blog today. It got me into thinking about how good it will be to sleep and wake up in a totally different place. A better place. But I didn’t surprise myself when I instinctively typed, "I'd rather SLEEP in a way better place. Not waking up is a good option anyway." Where is this pessimism coming from? My life's perfect. My family's great, I have the bestest group of friends. Why is there something way within me that makes me feel like I’m inadequate?

I got to converse with my high school friend Jaycee the other night and he was talking about how he has acquired a totally new perspective with regard to the Catholic church. It occurred to me how things have really changed. High school was just so long ago that if I meet up with my friends now, there probably are gazillions of new things that I will find out about them. It's like we lost that familiarity that we used to enjoy. It was one of the things I used to fear when I was close to my high school graduation. Losing everything that familiar, warm and stable.

Ang ironic. My last entry was entitled Happy Happy Joy Joy only to follow it with a "Creeping me out entry." Damn.