Neglected.

It's been a while since i actually felt appreciated. Really appreciated. I dunno, there's something about my life that makes me think everything's superficial. That people arent really happy that i'm around. That they can actually go on living their lives without having to think of me. That i never really make that much of a difference to the people i interact with.

Ever felt like you wanna just walk real slow to find out if someone'll look back to ask why you're a step behind? I did. Ever felt like you wanna just sit back, not talk and observe.. hoping that even for a second, someone'll notice that you're not saying anything? I did. Ever turned the volume of your MP3 player to its maximum to drown out all the voices that are in your head because in the end, there's really one voice you'd rather hear? I did. Ever read someone else's blog hoping that you'll at least get a glimpse of how they perceive you to be only to realize that they didnt bother to say anything about you? I did. It sucks. The worst part is, you know that there's really no one to blame. You know that your attempt to find the answers to that ONE QUESTION that's been bothering you is just so futile that there's nothing left to do but forget about the idea.

There are moments when i feel i have given myself the task of making other people laugh only because i am desperately waiting for that someone who will share this burden with me. What am i doing wrong? A lot of what if's and if only's are slowly resurfacing again, bruising my already scarred ego. If only im thinner, if only im smarter, if only im more "mahinhin".. What if i didnt do this, what if i didnt meet him, what if i didnt choose to be this clown?

The clown never gets the girl [guy]. - Ed

I'm surrounded by a lot of really warm people.. but why do i feel cold? Abandoned? Alone? When will i be numbed by these hurtful emotions?