"Bakit ba lagi na lang ang buhay mo punong-puno ng drama? Di ka parin ba
nagbabago? Kahit dati, ganyan ka na!" -Sam
I am at a loss for words. If tears can say everything that's needed to be said, I would've already written a novel. It's a blessing that my eyes go back to normal after an intense crying session because if I'm normal, my eyes will be puffier than cotton candy. It's hard to grasp the whole situation, there's no place for hatred, not even for blame... and it's making it way harder to cope. How can you mend a wound that was inflicted upon you unintentionally? How can you not take personally something that in reality is personal? It pains me that we are in this whole situation with nothing to do but wait for things to be better in the future.
In the meantime, I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am with friends who are always ready to cheer me up when I'm the unstable woman that I am. Thanks for the muffins Joan, thanks for the Belgian Waffle Sam, thank you for being strong for me Patty, thank you Hazel for feeling my pain, to Melo and Juanch for making me believe in love [walang kinalaman e no! hehe], to Ces for making me understand what happened and for convincing me about Lost Boy [wala nanaman kinalaman], to Ana for that heartwarming message, to Carlo for chain smoking with me and for reminding me to stop crying, to Dennis for asking if I'm ok [even if it was his birthday and we should be making him happy], to you for at least saying sorry.
Sometimes, the people whom you expect to hurt you end up standing by you and making you feel loved and the people whom you have so much faith in end up hurting you, though unintentionally... in the end, they still hurt you. I guess it's partly because they matter in your life that whatever they do becomes that big of a deal. Perhaps it's because you love them so much that in the end, you can't find it in your heart to hate them so you end up just letting it pass, like it didn't happen at all. That's what friends do right? Like what I've said in the past, I don't let go.. even if I bleed so badly, I won't let go.
I hate walking around all teary-eyed like a loser puppy. I hate it when people perceive me as sad. That is something that I as much as possible try to avoid, affecting other people negatively. That is so not me. But I guess it's true, sometimes life throws a curveball at you and well, all that's left for you to do is say sorry because the curveball turned out to be more than that. It turned out to be one viscious ball of pain. And it wasn't life that threw it at you, it was someone.
I'm sorry too... I am worrying that it might burden you. Finals pa naman, wag ka na masyado mag-isip. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I am still trying to understand . At oo, sana madapa na uli ako kasama ka. In the meantime, I'll see you around.
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