I haven't watched the flick, heck I haven't even seen the trailer. I just feel that it is the most appropriate title for whatever it is that I am going to write in this entry. Let me start by saying that at this point in my life, I am sure that I am happy. Also, I am sure that in the future, I could be happier. At what level of happiness will I stop? I don't know, but the idea of better things to come makes me smile, even when I'm alone thinking of the things that could be.
Now, off to the more pertinent issue of what my plans are in the situation that I am in. I have written a litany about how I vow to move on and protect myself ... I even wrote a lot of things about giving him up and accepting that all we have right now cannot surpass the level of more than being friends. Yet, at the back of my mind, similar to all the hopeless romantics, optimists and idealists in this world, I know that there still is hope. That little possibility of working things out. I do not want to admit it, but I still cling to that tiny bit of hope. No matter how inconvenient, no matter how close to a thin thread it might be. I still am holding on.
My friends often ask me why, they even remind me of the presence of the other options, the less complicated ones. I guess I can never explain why it is him that I choose, why Peter Pan remains to be a fairytale and why Lost Boy will continue to be lost. Why even if Tinkerbell is inappropriate, I am completely drawn to the idea of him bringing back the magic in my already boring and monotonous life. I can never put logic into all these things because LOGIC muddles the clarity that only being IRRATIONAL can give. Tinkerbell is not even a guy if logic rules... but he is a guy. He is, at present, my guy.
It's ironic really that Neverland is the embodiment of my life. I never dreamed of being Wendy in the past and even today, I do not see why I chose Neverland over a wonderful castle or a heavenly paradise or even a grassy field. All I know is that my Neverland will never be magical without Tinkerbell and even if Peter Pan decides to leave, or if Lost Boy will disappear to form an alliance with Captain Hook, I'll be ok with it. But if this fairy decides to fly and abandon the little wonderland that we are in, my pursuit will bring me to a different direction. Perhaps, to a more gloomy one.
It's more than hard to be in my position. It's even more than painful. I guess my Pursuit starts when my misery begins. I don't know if Tinkerbell knows, but I know that he feels. He may be ignoring it or maybe trying to repair the bridge going back to friendship. I do not expect him to cross it with me, I never did... but if somehow, he finds it in his heart that it's actually worth it... I'll be more than happy to cross it again with him. That's where this fantasy will end and reality will set in. It's sad that at this point, I cannot share the happiness that he makes me feel, unknowingly, perhaps unintentionally. I might never will.
It's a PURSUIT, I know. But when does it become in sight? When does the pursuit end and when will simple happiness begin?
Now, off to the more pertinent issue of what my plans are in the situation that I am in. I have written a litany about how I vow to move on and protect myself ... I even wrote a lot of things about giving him up and accepting that all we have right now cannot surpass the level of more than being friends. Yet, at the back of my mind, similar to all the hopeless romantics, optimists and idealists in this world, I know that there still is hope. That little possibility of working things out. I do not want to admit it, but I still cling to that tiny bit of hope. No matter how inconvenient, no matter how close to a thin thread it might be. I still am holding on.
My friends often ask me why, they even remind me of the presence of the other options, the less complicated ones. I guess I can never explain why it is him that I choose, why Peter Pan remains to be a fairytale and why Lost Boy will continue to be lost. Why even if Tinkerbell is inappropriate, I am completely drawn to the idea of him bringing back the magic in my already boring and monotonous life. I can never put logic into all these things because LOGIC muddles the clarity that only being IRRATIONAL can give. Tinkerbell is not even a guy if logic rules... but he is a guy. He is, at present, my guy.
It's ironic really that Neverland is the embodiment of my life. I never dreamed of being Wendy in the past and even today, I do not see why I chose Neverland over a wonderful castle or a heavenly paradise or even a grassy field. All I know is that my Neverland will never be magical without Tinkerbell and even if Peter Pan decides to leave, or if Lost Boy will disappear to form an alliance with Captain Hook, I'll be ok with it. But if this fairy decides to fly and abandon the little wonderland that we are in, my pursuit will bring me to a different direction. Perhaps, to a more gloomy one.
It's more than hard to be in my position. It's even more than painful. I guess my Pursuit starts when my misery begins. I don't know if Tinkerbell knows, but I know that he feels. He may be ignoring it or maybe trying to repair the bridge going back to friendship. I do not expect him to cross it with me, I never did... but if somehow, he finds it in his heart that it's actually worth it... I'll be more than happy to cross it again with him. That's where this fantasy will end and reality will set in. It's sad that at this point, I cannot share the happiness that he makes me feel, unknowingly, perhaps unintentionally. I might never will.
It's a PURSUIT, I know. But when does it become in sight? When does the pursuit end and when will simple happiness begin?
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