I am Very Talented...

"Talent mo talaga yan no? You find unique ways to ruin beautiful things..."
-Japhet

Ok, that was a good one. Japhet dropped that line while we were drinking our hearts out at Pier One last Saturday along with Sam. I don't know if I should believe him, but I know that at the back of my mind, I have some history of ruining good things... but I guess it's part of growing up, of learning and of becoming a better person. In my entire existence, I have only asked two people out.. that again is contrary to popular belief that I am very liberated. I never did and will never regret what I did, maybe it's because when I did that, I was prepared to get hurt. It was like THE DEAD END. It was the make or break of everything. What may be deduced from it is that I am not a fan of cliffhangers.

Of course it's expected that I'd say it wasn't and isn't my attention to ruin great things or to pre-empt beautiful futures, it's just that I am not comfortable with the existence of issues in my life because I end up wasting my time thinking about them. I am a thinker, to the extreme sense of that word... I am capable of halting everything until I get the conclusion or the end of a story. I am not a fan of what if's, of what could've been's and of if only's because I want to be in control. After all, it's my happiness that is at stake here.

What's the point of this whole entry? This is a declaration that I refuse to acknowledge the accusation that I ruin good things. In fact, I would love for good things to come my way and do stay... it's just that most of the time, they don't. I don't harbour ill-feelings, I don't even find it in my heart to get angry with people who may have unintentionally and intentionally hurt me along the way. It is because if they were able to hurt me, chances are, I love them or I care for them. That will justify why I would still want them to be in my life... they have become my friends. I never let go because when I decide that I want them in my life, I do want them. This is applicable to romantic partners, friends, even acquaintances. What you see is what you get. What you feel is what I want you to feel. Never will I intentionally make people's lives miserable because I don't believe that anyone deserves to be such.

I still go out with men I used to date once in a while, some of whom did hurt me deeply, but after all the pain, the friendship and the memories of good times remain. I am very talented, and my closest friends can attest to the fact that I am very strong. People ask me how I am able to easily move on, I say moving on is a decision too. In the same way that everything that could shape our lives will boil down to how we decide to act. At a certain point, you have to be able to tell yourself that it has to stop. You have to be able to tell yourself that you don't deserve to be treated that way. At some point, you must realize that you are worthy to be happy.

I pray everyday asking God to never take away my optimism. So far, He hasn't. In fact, I have high hopes for something that could happen in the near future. It may or may not happen, but I guess the best part of it all is that I did what I had to do. If things don't go the way I want them to go, it wasn't meant to be. And if they do, then I can look back and smile knowing that I had something to do with it.

I am not letting go yet. I still believe. I still hope.