I WAS drunk... and that made it easier.

I was right all along. My intuition was right. I should've listened to myself but I didnt. Story of my life. I'm still smiling.

I went home around 4am and I know i posted a feel-good entry. That WAS what I was feeling. I felt free, sure and happy that things are clearer. Now, 4 hours later I realized that there still are a lot of questions that are going through my mind. I am not feeling hatred, I can never find it in my heart to feel that. I guess this is just one of those days that you dread waking up not only because you know you'll have a hangover but also because waking up means being reminded that something DID happen and that things will never be the same again. It's one of those days where as much as I wanna go back to sleep, I could not really force myself to stop thinking and to stop analyzing what just transpired.

It rained last night. The clouds cried the tears that I wasnt able to shed. There was finality in everything. It is the same finality that I was trying to avoid for days because I hate it when I have to be strong again for myself and for other people. It's not true that I merely laughed it off. It was hard for me too. But the difference between me and him is that I try to be happy and to find the reason behind everything to at least mitigate the pain.

I wanted to hug him longer and to tell him that things will be alright. I just dont know if I believe that myself. I nearly broke down when he slightly held my hand while I was giving him a tap on the back. It was like I got a glimpse of something that I couldnt have. I still thank him for the good times. Yes, there were good times. I'm sorry if I may have hurt him with the things that i said. I'm human too but I did promise him that we will still be friends and I am keeping that promise. Now I know why I couldnt hug him longer... Being close to him is just like being close to fire.

Until now, I still do not understand why God once again had to put me through this. I know He will reveal his plan at the right time. I will just follow what my friends told me, "Charge it to experience". Lord, parang mejo fully-charged na ang aking experience battery ah.

I wish I could go back to sleep and dream my way to happiness. I can't. The pain's unbelievably deep. Deeper than the last time. This is rock bottom. I just know. I will go up. I will go up. I will go up. Or maybe I'll just lie on rock bottom and wait for it to tranform into a mountain. It's gonna be a long process... a long process.