Natural!

“Gusto mo ba magkaanak?” My friend Atoy asked while munching on his Quarter Pounder. We were enjoying our meal in McDo after a sort of tiring process we had to go through to get my permit for the UP Law Aptitude Exam this Sunday.

“Natural!” Without really thinking about it, partly because I was concentrating on my chicken McDo and partly because I do want to have a child.

Then with wide eyes and a bewildered look he said, “Natural? Bakit natural? Why natural?”

“ Natural, bakit hindi? Because I want to have kids. Because I want to have a family.” I said, feeling the need to explain my side because I think I’m being judged. Haha, by Atoy, my dear friend.

“You’re like Carrie (Bradshaw, Sex and the City) , you tend to mix what you want with what the society dictates you should want.

That got me into thinking, what do I really want? did I say yes I wanna have kids because I felt pressured by the fact that it’s what’s expected of someone after she becomes successful with her career and gets married? How do we separate ourselves from what we truly want and what we want to just show people that we are living an ok life? In a world where everyone’s influenced by everyone, how do we make sure that WE ARE STILL LIVING A LIFE WE WANT? Are we decision makers or decision takers?

As for me, I do want to have kids. I’m even taking up Creative Writing for Children to make sure that I can write something for my kids someday. It is natural for me because I love having kids around but where did this come from? If I don’t end up getting married someday would I feel so shattered? What if I can't get pregnant, would adoption feel the same as actually bearing a child?

Errr, I don’t even have a man in my life. Why am I thinking of getting pregnant? Oh well, I guess it’s just me. now, back to my coffee crumble.

The Virgin(a sequel to the original short story)

“Krrrr-ii-nnnnggggg!” The alarm clock rang loudly as if it wanted to sink into Ms. Mijares’ mind. Slowly, she opened her eyes and tried to adjust to the dimness of the room.

“A dream.” She thought. Flashbacks came up, the whispers of admiration, whines, bodies entwining. She couldn’t help but fancy for it to be true. God knows how much she was willing to give up just to be lost in the man’s embrace once again. Then she felt a warm hand on her stomach, it wasn’t hers.

“Did you sleep well?” The man asked her flirtatiously, as he stroke Ms. Mijares’ hair. She turned to see if she really heard someone , and he was there, half-naked, sharing the bed with her. The carpenter, the man whom, in the darkness, she turned to , the man who made her flesh leap.

“I must be going, I’ll be late for work,” She struggled to get on her feet and absent-mindedly went inside the shower. She tried to conceal the panic that was creeping in her. “If you’re hungry just help yourself and get whatever you want from the kitchen.” She added, just before turning the shower on. She was shuddering, not because the water was cold but because what just happened wasn’t a dream but a reality. Then, her panic turned into nauseating happiness, her qualms were washed away as the water flowed through her body.

Thrilled, Ms. Mijares dressed up hurriedly and fervently looked for her man. Yet, he was nowhere to be found. She got her things and headed out, wondering.

At the office, she went directly to the shanty. Ato, her foreman, approached her with a bemused look. “Down here early Ms. Mijares?” he commented.

“I just wanted to check if things are okay in here, Ato,” she babbled while her eyes wandered around. “Are all the workers here now?”

“Why of course Ms. Mijares, they’re all here. Are you looking for someone in particular?” He interrogated.

Blushing, Ms. Mijares smiled and replied, “No ,just making sure.” She went back into her office, dismayed, while her mind was full of questioning thoughts.

Time passed and Ms. Mijares never heard a word from the carpenter. The man who snatched her virginity and showed her what she was missing. Every night came as a burden to her, knowing that she would long for his hands and the flame that they lit as he felt and caressed her. She felt used, taken for granted and juvenile; still, she wanted him to feel her once more. Then, the encounter came.

The sky was murky; clouds covered the night and the rain was hammering hard. She got into a jeepney, half-hoping she’d be lost again. “How are you, Ms. Mijares?” A familiar voice startled her.

“Mama, stop the jeep please.” She hurried out and walked as fast as she could. She was soaked and cold, tears of resentment and desire fell from her eyes. Then she felt a strong grasp on her arms.

“Where are you going? Why are you running away?” Finally, they were face to face. The man’s eyes made her drown into a pool of passion. He unleashed the emotions that were deep inside of her.

“How dare you ask me that! Don’t you think I should be the one asking these questions? Where did you go, you user!” She shouted, quivering. The man looked at her straight in the eyes, held her hand and sighed. “Don’t you dare touch me again! What would you do, say sorry and expect me to forgive you just like that?!” She was really crying hard, every word made her tremble.

“I got scared. I’m not asking you to forgive but you have to listen to me.” His eyes were red, tears were beginning to form. “I thought things happened too fast. There was too much passion, too much attraction. I didn’t know if I could handle it, I got scared that I might screw things up,” He explained with full emotion. “I’m sorry that I was such a coward, but please… give me the CHANCE.”

They looked into each other’s eyes. The rain poured with much vigor, the whole world turned into darkness. The wind blew hard, as the rain kissed the ground ardently, water and earth became one. The moon wasn’t there, but tomorrow, the sun will shine to give light to their lost hearts…

-The End-

Ego

Then,
T’ was once taken care of, lulled to sleep,
Fed like a baby so innocent and frail;
Now,
It’s crumpled, torn and thrown away.
My ego, my strength.. I’m strong no more.

It’s not THEM, it’s ME!

“Hey gurl! Everytime I see you, you always look so yummy.” My friend Sandi said while we were both looking at our reflections in the UP Faculty Center’s washroom.

“I know,” I jokingly replied while applying my favorite lip gloss.

Then she asked the forbidden question, “So, you have a Papa now?”

“ Nah, I don’t have one. Set me up with the men you know.” I was hoping she’ll say, Yeah, I know someone perfect for you.

But instead she said, “You look so intimidating kasi.”

End of story.

----------------

I look intimidating, men wouldn’t date me..

I look intimidating because I’m yummy, men wouldn’t date me..
ALL TOGETHER NOW!

Eunice looks intimidating because she has great fashion sense, she looks so yummy, MEN WOULDN’T DATE HER.

I am a great catch, I know I’m intelligent, I look pretty ok, I’m the best you’ll ever have. I know YOU WOULDN’T DARE DATE ME..

Grrrrrrrrrr!

If I smell bad, and I’m really baduy and I’m totally dumb.. WOULD MEN start DATING ME?
Didn’t think so,, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

---------------------

I am freaking out, this world is really crazy..

Oooh, don’t look too good, you might scare men away. Oooh, don’t be too eloquent, you might scare men away.. Ooooh, why are you wearing that? It’s so last season, men don’t want baduy girls.. ooooh, don’t ever let these men know that you don’t know enough, they will take it against you.

-----------------

Aaaaaaaaargh, not a good day. NO MEN, NO DATE, NO HUMAN WARMTH.. Human warmth! I soooooooooo neeeeeed it….

Solitude

I would often say that I’m a social butterfly, that I love social interactions. That I don’t have problems with respect to relating to people and that I love to just plain mingle. Right now, I feel the exact opposite. I’m not really in the mood to get to know new people. I’m not even in the mood to meet up with my old friends. I don’t know why, but I am actually enjoying my solitude. My being a nobody in a world of somebody’s. I’m just enjoying my being invisible, my being the silent Eunice. Well, I still love making people laugh, I still enjoy conversations but lately, I’ve been finding myself enjoying my time with myself. Whether I’m shopping in my favorite ukay-ukay, or plain buying DVDs or just watching TV at home, I find it so rejuvenating. So refreshing, so relaxing. I guess I’m in my phase of my life where I’m slowly discovering how fun it is to give attention to MY NEEDS. This maybe the phase in my life where I just wanna keep my friends, cherish them and stop adding friends to my list of Friendsters. I don’t think this is mere bumming around, it’s knowing what matters.

Ever felt like you’re doing something not for the heck of it (like everyone says) but because you feel it’s a preparation for something big? That’s what I’m feeling, I’m here because I know I’m in for some tough times in the very near future.
My friend sent me an article in friendster. T’was about pseudo-relationships, flings, almost love stories. I couldn’t help but think how it has become the story of my life, I guess because I never really experienced the whole process of courtship. I’ve been very vocal about my not totally approving of the idea of courtship. That’s why my relationships lack commitment, they’re all too vague. That’s why I’m not sure if I’ve ever been truly in love. All symptoms of pseudo relationships are in my past almost love stories. Before, I would feel bad thinking that I’m just a meantime girl. the girl between the past love and the future love but never the present love. I dunno if it’s me or am I just meeting the wrong men? Why am I always stuck with, “enjoying each other’s company” and “plain hanging out (w/ occasional holding hands and cuddling)? Why do I always end up knowin about my guy’s intention after all traces of his intentions are gone? (yes, like this guy I thought wasn’t interested. He told me he was totally attracted, and he thought I knew). Who dictates what a pseudo-relationship and a real relationship is?

The Start of Another Season,,

I just finished watching all 18 episodes of Sex and the City’s Season 4 (today, yup.. im an official bum. Watchin dvd’s for 8 hours) and though I already know what’s gonna happen in seasons 5 and 6 I still couldn’t help but feel bad for Carrie Bradshaw. The season ended with Big leaving New York, I was struck by what Charlotte said. That she thought Carrie and Big’ll end up together because though they made mistakes, they’re meant for each other. It’s just so weird because lately, I’ve been hearing Alicia Keys and User’s My Boo everywhere. “ there’s always that one person that will always have your heart. You’ll never see it coming ‘coz you’re blinded from the start.” Err, sorry can’t relate. I would’ve believed that about two years ago when I was agonizing on my alleged love for my so-called best guy friend, but now, looking back.. I don’t think there’s any guy in my past that I would want to end up with. Not even my long time crush, “one-moment-he’s-here-one-moment-he’s-nonexistent” childhood fantasy. Am I too jaded? Am I really blinded? Just like Carrie, should I be involved with Aidan “too good to be true”, the Jazz guy, Jack “insecure” Berger and the Russian “totally rich and artsy” guy first before I finally get reunited with Big? Who is BIG in my life anyway?

I’ve always wanted Carrie and Big to be together, Big is the epitome of a man I would want to end up with. He makes Carrie think, he is financially-stable, funny at times, always there when Carrie needs him, doesn’t drool over Carrie and is good in bed. I would want someone who will call me Kiddo without looking at me like I’m one inexperienced woman. I want a guy who can spend the night with me and really talk to me. Someone who’ll have control over me without totally shoving it to my face. Someone who’ll also play “Moon river” out of nowhere thinking that it isn’t corny but “CLASSIC”. I guess I’m a hybrid of Carrie and Miranda. I’m a future lawyer anyway, so in no time, I would have to think and act like Miranda. I don’t even think if it’s a good combination since I don’t have a Steve in my life who would still wanna give me a “mercy-fuck” when I’m pregnant and horny without a husband. (creepy) just like Miranda, I’m not really into the whole Baby Shower thing, I don’t think I would want to give my career up for my love life, not even for a great family life. I don’t think I’ll be a plain housewife.

It’s funny that now I’m admitting all these things. Not too long ago, I was ok with the idea of totally concentrating on a family life if ever I get married. But now, I have changed. I don’t see anything wrong with same sex marriage anymore, and I don’t think it should be a matter of religion. I don’t see anything wrong with divorce anymore especially now that I’m aware of how many marriages are just not working. I’m not against premarital sex anymore (though I’m still not doing it) because I know a lot of wonderful people who are doing it and are in no way living shitty lives. I don’t see women who had abortion as totally sinful persons because for as long as what they did became an eye-opener for them and it became a reminder for them to be responsible for their actions then I guess the guilt and anguish that they had to go through made them suffer enough. I don’t take it against people that they’re atheists anymore because just like me, they just chose to take the path that they think would be more appropriate for them. In fact I admire them for surviving a life which isn’t dependent on miracles. I must admit that this is far from the Eunice that I once knew, but whether I want to admit it or not, I like the new Eunice more.

I guess through the years, I have become more open to a lot of things. Just like the evolution of my love for Sex and the City, I have evolved into someone who isn’t too judgmental. Someone who acknowledges that my beliefs don’t represent and should never represent the beliefs of other people. I’d like to think I’ve become more tolerant, more level-headed. I’m ready to try new things now, I’m not getting any younger. I don’t know if I’ll find my Big, I don’t know if I’ll be as tough as Miranda, or as sexually-satisfied as Samantha or as family-oriented as Charlotte, nobody knows. But hey, I can always watch my DVDs and try to look back when I’m 30 that when I was twenty, I was intelligent enough to stop and think. Err, I wish I can write for Vogue too.

Now, where can I download the MP3 of Moon river?

All Stressed Out,

I hate it when people look at me as if I’m some kind of a useless person just because I’m not as harassed-looking as they are. We don’t have to talk about the things that we do just so people’ll start believing that we in fact are productive beings right? I don’t live for them anyway, and they can’t even give me high grades. Yes, I don’t work every single day of my life, I must admit that I have a pretty laidback lifestyle. But for Christ’s sake, when I say I’m working on it, I mean it! Err, I don’t mean to sound so whiny and bitchy but the thing is, I’m sick and this headache is killing me. my hyperacidity is annoyingly emerging again and I can’t think straight. Now, smile.My last semester as a college student has officially begun and I feel like I’m in Cloud 9. I love my subjects, I love my solitude and I love the idea that sooner or later, I’ll be in law school. Woohoo! Yes, I’m actively dating and no, I haven’t found anyone I would wanna go into a relationship with. Why? Because (fill in the blanks) . The guy I’m crushing on never goes online anymore, I guess he’s busy with school and his work. Waaaah, I need to get his number. The suspense is killing me, he’s sooo cute. I’m cutting this crap right now. Now na!

This Sunday I’ll be taking the Law Aptitude Exam for my aspirations to become a UP Law graduate, I haven’t completed my requirements yet and this is all my fault. I wanna believe that I can still make it without reviewing and without an exceptional Transcript of Records but I don’t know if I’m lucky enough. I want to be in UP Law so badly that I feel like I’ll lose my interest in becoming a lawyer if I don’t pass the LAE. No, I’m exaggerating. Being a lawyer is something which keeps me going. UP Law, Ateneo Law, Beda Law.. it wont matter, I will top the bar exams ( naks, feeling!) Is this what I want? What if in the end, the realization that I’m chasing the wrong rainbow all along becomes clear to me? will I have the strength to pursue another dream? Life can’t be too predictable right? Well, mine has been pretty predictable. So I guess the rough times are coming. I felt bothered this afternoon, I went to my Industrial Organization Class (Econ 161) and told a friend that I’m so happy cause I already got my TCG and Certificate of Graduation for LAE. Then he said, “why are you announcing it? Not a lot of people are proud that they’ll take the LAE coz they don’t wanna suffer the humiliation of failing it and of people knowing that they failed.” I was skeptical, because I strongly believe that there’s nothing humiliating in trying. If I fail then there’s nothing to be ashamed of, at least I tried. Why should other people’s opinions discourage me from being proud that I did pursue what I want? Are people as judgmental as how we are made to believe by our society? I must admit that I, myself can be very judgmental at times, but I make it a point to go deeper into where my impressions are coming from and I try to correct it. Should we be afraid of defeat? Should we all be on our guards? It all boils down to our tolerance. Our tolerance of being judged, of being talked about, of being frowned upon.

Are we really FREE? Or are we as free as a child being scolded by some know-it-all elders? In a world where being successful is the only commendable thing, is defeat a sign of pure weakness? Or... is failure a more effective way to test strength? Should we be greatly bothered by our failures?

DEHYDRATED

I have deprived myself of water.

Anything flowing, moist or glistening
awakens an inexplicable sense of rage,
confusion, longing.
My dry, flaky skin almost powdered
To its shame reminds me of sand;
Every strand of hair has a story infinite in number
Never a panacea.

Did you deliberately die to mock me?I imagine you to be caressing her,
Holding on to her like some immortal,
Whose touch you have blissfully anticipated.
She has stolen your last breath, like Taking away the last cookie in my cookie jar.
You gasped with her, drowned with her,
Together, you moaned, never halted, just died.

I could’ve just choked you with a pillow and
Let you wither on our lucrative water bed,
You should’ve told me you wanted to die like that.
I would’ve stabbed you while we’re exploring each other,
Taking a shower with bodies entwined
Lubricated by water gushing out, suds all over.
I would’ve put poison in your coffee and
Let it sip away what superficial life
You have forced me to live.

I thought WE lived,
You have nourished me, rained on me;
Only to suck whatever was flowing inside of me.
Saliva, urine, blood –contaminated.
Poison seeping through.
Forcing its way through my semi-permeable membrane.

I have deprived myself of water,
Your presence haunts me and your laughter
Has continuously mocked my faith
In a life which you have mindlessly
destroyed and wasted.
I have deprived myself of water,
not because it drowned you but because
it exposed the mud behind what seemed to be something pure.
I have deprived myself of water,
By doing so, I am able to celebrate
Your death.
For I will die not because of water and its existence,
Only due to lack thereof.

Mango Shake and Mocha Frappuccino

I wait for a stranger whose touch
Never lingered
An image of such serendipitous
Moments, there’s too much
atrocity in my world
Of what if’s and what might have been’s
His weapon’s a pen, mine’s paper
I’m but a fan, a reader
Contemplating on why the cover
Of a book has the same color as
The mango shake on my table.

I never dream, I only hope.
Dreaming is such a painful
process which in the end
might put me into a coma.
I never cry but I grieve.
Tears are remnants of my
Mocha frapuccino overdose.
I wait for a shadow, a name,
An entity.
If he comes, I don’t think
I will be happy. I never seek
For happiness, it seeks
Me. I never
Seek for him, neither
does he.
Brown and yellow look
good together.

Line Dead

I’m thinking of you.
“You seem preoccupied.”
~Line dead,
should I call you back?
“Ok,”
~Line dead,
I’m afraid of change
“ha,ha,ha..”
~Line dead
Why are you mocking me?
“it’s for me to know and for you to find out.”
~Line dead.
You’re scaring me.
“Why?”
~Line dead
You’re change personified.
“Am I?”
~Line dead.

Whoa, I’m an Economist!

Nine freaggin’ units left and I’m technically an “Economist”. Whether I like it or not, I’ve grown to love my course. Being in a way knowledgeable in Economics (especially in a third-world country) has its perks. One would be that you can actually read the Business section of the newspaper and comment on anything which involves Economics and oter related fields (like, uhmm, sex? Hehe). You can read The Economist without the fear that you have no right to read it. A lot of people respect you because just like what you think when you were starting, it looks really hard. All these graphs can be confusing (you bet). But there’s one teeny-weeny problem that I fear I still have to address. I don’t think I want to be a full-time economist. I’m burdened by the fact that I don’t think what I learned is enough. I can’t even find a good topic for my thesis. Waah! Lemme see, Japhet and I were eyeing a thesis about Temporary Employment and I think it’s very timely. But there aren’t enough data! Grrrr.. it’s hard to actually be interested in the welfare of the masses because not a lot of people would want to admit that their welfare are really taken for granted. I also wanted to make a study regarding the Medium Term Development Plan of the Arroyo administration as compared to the past Administrations and the paper written by 11 of my professors, but I don’t know where to begin. Now I’m scared that I might get fucked up and I may not be able to finish a commendable thesis. Damn! If only I can get my act straight and start to really focus. Haaaay!

Still I’m a future economist, whether I like it or not. This is the path I’ve chosen, I might end up as a lawyer still, I am an economist. I know, I know, I should be happy. In fact I am! but I always end up thinking of what might have been. If I have taken up Creative Writing instead, or Journalism or Mass Communication, would I have been happier? If I took up Theater Arts instead, would I have been more successful? Oh well, I guess I have to settle for whatever I have accomplished right now. Hey, it’s still an accomplishment that I’m almost graduating right? Only, I would have wanted to graduate with honors. (sighs) I was browsing to some letters I kept from high school and something caught my eye. It was an envelope from Ms. Villaceran, my adviser when I was in Grade four. She gave it back to me when I was in my retreat in my 4th year in high school. It was a drawing I made myself. I drawing or my office as a future lawyer. I cant believe I’m one step closer to that dream. I’m still on the right track, almost there. As of the moment, all I can say is that.. Whoa! I’m ALMOST an Economist.. =P