Ego

Then,
T’ was once taken care of, lulled to sleep,
Fed like a baby so innocent and frail;
Now,
It’s crumpled, torn and thrown away.
My ego, my strength.. I’m strong no more.

It’s not THEM, it’s ME!

“Hey gurl! Everytime I see you, you always look so yummy.” My friend Sandi said while we were both looking at our reflections in the UP Faculty Center’s washroom.

“I know,” I jokingly replied while applying my favorite lip gloss.

Then she asked the forbidden question, “So, you have a Papa now?”

“ Nah, I don’t have one. Set me up with the men you know.” I was hoping she’ll say, Yeah, I know someone perfect for you.

But instead she said, “You look so intimidating kasi.”

End of story.

----------------

I look intimidating, men wouldn’t date me..

I look intimidating because I’m yummy, men wouldn’t date me..
ALL TOGETHER NOW!

Eunice looks intimidating because she has great fashion sense, she looks so yummy, MEN WOULDN’T DATE HER.

I am a great catch, I know I’m intelligent, I look pretty ok, I’m the best you’ll ever have. I know YOU WOULDN’T DARE DATE ME..

Grrrrrrrrrr!

If I smell bad, and I’m really baduy and I’m totally dumb.. WOULD MEN start DATING ME?
Didn’t think so,, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

---------------------

I am freaking out, this world is really crazy..

Oooh, don’t look too good, you might scare men away. Oooh, don’t be too eloquent, you might scare men away.. Ooooh, why are you wearing that? It’s so last season, men don’t want baduy girls.. ooooh, don’t ever let these men know that you don’t know enough, they will take it against you.

-----------------

Aaaaaaaaargh, not a good day. NO MEN, NO DATE, NO HUMAN WARMTH.. Human warmth! I soooooooooo neeeeeed it….

Solitude

I would often say that I’m a social butterfly, that I love social interactions. That I don’t have problems with respect to relating to people and that I love to just plain mingle. Right now, I feel the exact opposite. I’m not really in the mood to get to know new people. I’m not even in the mood to meet up with my old friends. I don’t know why, but I am actually enjoying my solitude. My being a nobody in a world of somebody’s. I’m just enjoying my being invisible, my being the silent Eunice. Well, I still love making people laugh, I still enjoy conversations but lately, I’ve been finding myself enjoying my time with myself. Whether I’m shopping in my favorite ukay-ukay, or plain buying DVDs or just watching TV at home, I find it so rejuvenating. So refreshing, so relaxing. I guess I’m in my phase of my life where I’m slowly discovering how fun it is to give attention to MY NEEDS. This maybe the phase in my life where I just wanna keep my friends, cherish them and stop adding friends to my list of Friendsters. I don’t think this is mere bumming around, it’s knowing what matters.

Ever felt like you’re doing something not for the heck of it (like everyone says) but because you feel it’s a preparation for something big? That’s what I’m feeling, I’m here because I know I’m in for some tough times in the very near future.
My friend sent me an article in friendster. T’was about pseudo-relationships, flings, almost love stories. I couldn’t help but think how it has become the story of my life, I guess because I never really experienced the whole process of courtship. I’ve been very vocal about my not totally approving of the idea of courtship. That’s why my relationships lack commitment, they’re all too vague. That’s why I’m not sure if I’ve ever been truly in love. All symptoms of pseudo relationships are in my past almost love stories. Before, I would feel bad thinking that I’m just a meantime girl. the girl between the past love and the future love but never the present love. I dunno if it’s me or am I just meeting the wrong men? Why am I always stuck with, “enjoying each other’s company” and “plain hanging out (w/ occasional holding hands and cuddling)? Why do I always end up knowin about my guy’s intention after all traces of his intentions are gone? (yes, like this guy I thought wasn’t interested. He told me he was totally attracted, and he thought I knew). Who dictates what a pseudo-relationship and a real relationship is?

The Start of Another Season,,

I just finished watching all 18 episodes of Sex and the City’s Season 4 (today, yup.. im an official bum. Watchin dvd’s for 8 hours) and though I already know what’s gonna happen in seasons 5 and 6 I still couldn’t help but feel bad for Carrie Bradshaw. The season ended with Big leaving New York, I was struck by what Charlotte said. That she thought Carrie and Big’ll end up together because though they made mistakes, they’re meant for each other. It’s just so weird because lately, I’ve been hearing Alicia Keys and User’s My Boo everywhere. “ there’s always that one person that will always have your heart. You’ll never see it coming ‘coz you’re blinded from the start.” Err, sorry can’t relate. I would’ve believed that about two years ago when I was agonizing on my alleged love for my so-called best guy friend, but now, looking back.. I don’t think there’s any guy in my past that I would want to end up with. Not even my long time crush, “one-moment-he’s-here-one-moment-he’s-nonexistent” childhood fantasy. Am I too jaded? Am I really blinded? Just like Carrie, should I be involved with Aidan “too good to be true”, the Jazz guy, Jack “insecure” Berger and the Russian “totally rich and artsy” guy first before I finally get reunited with Big? Who is BIG in my life anyway?

I’ve always wanted Carrie and Big to be together, Big is the epitome of a man I would want to end up with. He makes Carrie think, he is financially-stable, funny at times, always there when Carrie needs him, doesn’t drool over Carrie and is good in bed. I would want someone who will call me Kiddo without looking at me like I’m one inexperienced woman. I want a guy who can spend the night with me and really talk to me. Someone who’ll have control over me without totally shoving it to my face. Someone who’ll also play “Moon river” out of nowhere thinking that it isn’t corny but “CLASSIC”. I guess I’m a hybrid of Carrie and Miranda. I’m a future lawyer anyway, so in no time, I would have to think and act like Miranda. I don’t even think if it’s a good combination since I don’t have a Steve in my life who would still wanna give me a “mercy-fuck” when I’m pregnant and horny without a husband. (creepy) just like Miranda, I’m not really into the whole Baby Shower thing, I don’t think I would want to give my career up for my love life, not even for a great family life. I don’t think I’ll be a plain housewife.

It’s funny that now I’m admitting all these things. Not too long ago, I was ok with the idea of totally concentrating on a family life if ever I get married. But now, I have changed. I don’t see anything wrong with same sex marriage anymore, and I don’t think it should be a matter of religion. I don’t see anything wrong with divorce anymore especially now that I’m aware of how many marriages are just not working. I’m not against premarital sex anymore (though I’m still not doing it) because I know a lot of wonderful people who are doing it and are in no way living shitty lives. I don’t see women who had abortion as totally sinful persons because for as long as what they did became an eye-opener for them and it became a reminder for them to be responsible for their actions then I guess the guilt and anguish that they had to go through made them suffer enough. I don’t take it against people that they’re atheists anymore because just like me, they just chose to take the path that they think would be more appropriate for them. In fact I admire them for surviving a life which isn’t dependent on miracles. I must admit that this is far from the Eunice that I once knew, but whether I want to admit it or not, I like the new Eunice more.

I guess through the years, I have become more open to a lot of things. Just like the evolution of my love for Sex and the City, I have evolved into someone who isn’t too judgmental. Someone who acknowledges that my beliefs don’t represent and should never represent the beliefs of other people. I’d like to think I’ve become more tolerant, more level-headed. I’m ready to try new things now, I’m not getting any younger. I don’t know if I’ll find my Big, I don’t know if I’ll be as tough as Miranda, or as sexually-satisfied as Samantha or as family-oriented as Charlotte, nobody knows. But hey, I can always watch my DVDs and try to look back when I’m 30 that when I was twenty, I was intelligent enough to stop and think. Err, I wish I can write for Vogue too.

Now, where can I download the MP3 of Moon river?

All Stressed Out,

I hate it when people look at me as if I’m some kind of a useless person just because I’m not as harassed-looking as they are. We don’t have to talk about the things that we do just so people’ll start believing that we in fact are productive beings right? I don’t live for them anyway, and they can’t even give me high grades. Yes, I don’t work every single day of my life, I must admit that I have a pretty laidback lifestyle. But for Christ’s sake, when I say I’m working on it, I mean it! Err, I don’t mean to sound so whiny and bitchy but the thing is, I’m sick and this headache is killing me. my hyperacidity is annoyingly emerging again and I can’t think straight. Now, smile.My last semester as a college student has officially begun and I feel like I’m in Cloud 9. I love my subjects, I love my solitude and I love the idea that sooner or later, I’ll be in law school. Woohoo! Yes, I’m actively dating and no, I haven’t found anyone I would wanna go into a relationship with. Why? Because (fill in the blanks) . The guy I’m crushing on never goes online anymore, I guess he’s busy with school and his work. Waaaah, I need to get his number. The suspense is killing me, he’s sooo cute. I’m cutting this crap right now. Now na!

This Sunday I’ll be taking the Law Aptitude Exam for my aspirations to become a UP Law graduate, I haven’t completed my requirements yet and this is all my fault. I wanna believe that I can still make it without reviewing and without an exceptional Transcript of Records but I don’t know if I’m lucky enough. I want to be in UP Law so badly that I feel like I’ll lose my interest in becoming a lawyer if I don’t pass the LAE. No, I’m exaggerating. Being a lawyer is something which keeps me going. UP Law, Ateneo Law, Beda Law.. it wont matter, I will top the bar exams ( naks, feeling!) Is this what I want? What if in the end, the realization that I’m chasing the wrong rainbow all along becomes clear to me? will I have the strength to pursue another dream? Life can’t be too predictable right? Well, mine has been pretty predictable. So I guess the rough times are coming. I felt bothered this afternoon, I went to my Industrial Organization Class (Econ 161) and told a friend that I’m so happy cause I already got my TCG and Certificate of Graduation for LAE. Then he said, “why are you announcing it? Not a lot of people are proud that they’ll take the LAE coz they don’t wanna suffer the humiliation of failing it and of people knowing that they failed.” I was skeptical, because I strongly believe that there’s nothing humiliating in trying. If I fail then there’s nothing to be ashamed of, at least I tried. Why should other people’s opinions discourage me from being proud that I did pursue what I want? Are people as judgmental as how we are made to believe by our society? I must admit that I, myself can be very judgmental at times, but I make it a point to go deeper into where my impressions are coming from and I try to correct it. Should we be afraid of defeat? Should we all be on our guards? It all boils down to our tolerance. Our tolerance of being judged, of being talked about, of being frowned upon.

Are we really FREE? Or are we as free as a child being scolded by some know-it-all elders? In a world where being successful is the only commendable thing, is defeat a sign of pure weakness? Or... is failure a more effective way to test strength? Should we be greatly bothered by our failures?

DEHYDRATED

I have deprived myself of water.

Anything flowing, moist or glistening
awakens an inexplicable sense of rage,
confusion, longing.
My dry, flaky skin almost powdered
To its shame reminds me of sand;
Every strand of hair has a story infinite in number
Never a panacea.

Did you deliberately die to mock me?I imagine you to be caressing her,
Holding on to her like some immortal,
Whose touch you have blissfully anticipated.
She has stolen your last breath, like Taking away the last cookie in my cookie jar.
You gasped with her, drowned with her,
Together, you moaned, never halted, just died.

I could’ve just choked you with a pillow and
Let you wither on our lucrative water bed,
You should’ve told me you wanted to die like that.
I would’ve stabbed you while we’re exploring each other,
Taking a shower with bodies entwined
Lubricated by water gushing out, suds all over.
I would’ve put poison in your coffee and
Let it sip away what superficial life
You have forced me to live.

I thought WE lived,
You have nourished me, rained on me;
Only to suck whatever was flowing inside of me.
Saliva, urine, blood –contaminated.
Poison seeping through.
Forcing its way through my semi-permeable membrane.

I have deprived myself of water,
Your presence haunts me and your laughter
Has continuously mocked my faith
In a life which you have mindlessly
destroyed and wasted.
I have deprived myself of water,
not because it drowned you but because
it exposed the mud behind what seemed to be something pure.
I have deprived myself of water,
By doing so, I am able to celebrate
Your death.
For I will die not because of water and its existence,
Only due to lack thereof.

Mango Shake and Mocha Frappuccino

I wait for a stranger whose touch
Never lingered
An image of such serendipitous
Moments, there’s too much
atrocity in my world
Of what if’s and what might have been’s
His weapon’s a pen, mine’s paper
I’m but a fan, a reader
Contemplating on why the cover
Of a book has the same color as
The mango shake on my table.

I never dream, I only hope.
Dreaming is such a painful
process which in the end
might put me into a coma.
I never cry but I grieve.
Tears are remnants of my
Mocha frapuccino overdose.
I wait for a shadow, a name,
An entity.
If he comes, I don’t think
I will be happy. I never seek
For happiness, it seeks
Me. I never
Seek for him, neither
does he.
Brown and yellow look
good together.

Line Dead

I’m thinking of you.
“You seem preoccupied.”
~Line dead,
should I call you back?
“Ok,”
~Line dead,
I’m afraid of change
“ha,ha,ha..”
~Line dead
Why are you mocking me?
“it’s for me to know and for you to find out.”
~Line dead.
You’re scaring me.
“Why?”
~Line dead
You’re change personified.
“Am I?”
~Line dead.

Whoa, I’m an Economist!

Nine freaggin’ units left and I’m technically an “Economist”. Whether I like it or not, I’ve grown to love my course. Being in a way knowledgeable in Economics (especially in a third-world country) has its perks. One would be that you can actually read the Business section of the newspaper and comment on anything which involves Economics and oter related fields (like, uhmm, sex? Hehe). You can read The Economist without the fear that you have no right to read it. A lot of people respect you because just like what you think when you were starting, it looks really hard. All these graphs can be confusing (you bet). But there’s one teeny-weeny problem that I fear I still have to address. I don’t think I want to be a full-time economist. I’m burdened by the fact that I don’t think what I learned is enough. I can’t even find a good topic for my thesis. Waah! Lemme see, Japhet and I were eyeing a thesis about Temporary Employment and I think it’s very timely. But there aren’t enough data! Grrrr.. it’s hard to actually be interested in the welfare of the masses because not a lot of people would want to admit that their welfare are really taken for granted. I also wanted to make a study regarding the Medium Term Development Plan of the Arroyo administration as compared to the past Administrations and the paper written by 11 of my professors, but I don’t know where to begin. Now I’m scared that I might get fucked up and I may not be able to finish a commendable thesis. Damn! If only I can get my act straight and start to really focus. Haaaay!

Still I’m a future economist, whether I like it or not. This is the path I’ve chosen, I might end up as a lawyer still, I am an economist. I know, I know, I should be happy. In fact I am! but I always end up thinking of what might have been. If I have taken up Creative Writing instead, or Journalism or Mass Communication, would I have been happier? If I took up Theater Arts instead, would I have been more successful? Oh well, I guess I have to settle for whatever I have accomplished right now. Hey, it’s still an accomplishment that I’m almost graduating right? Only, I would have wanted to graduate with honors. (sighs) I was browsing to some letters I kept from high school and something caught my eye. It was an envelope from Ms. Villaceran, my adviser when I was in Grade four. She gave it back to me when I was in my retreat in my 4th year in high school. It was a drawing I made myself. I drawing or my office as a future lawyer. I cant believe I’m one step closer to that dream. I’m still on the right track, almost there. As of the moment, all I can say is that.. Whoa! I’m ALMOST an Economist.. =P

Oktoberfest Mystery .. of beer, humiliation and fashion.

Last Friday, my friends and I decided to experience the alleged “fun” in going to the closing party of SMB’s Oktoberfest. Honestly, it was my idea to actually drag them into it since it’s our last Oktoberfest as Econ majors (sorry, I didn’t have a better reason). Lemme give you a blow by blow account of my night.

5pm : The Agony of Deciding on What to Wear: Skirt or pants? Carrie Bradshaw Tube top or see-through/ beach-inspired knitted top with yellow bikini underneath? Beige stilettos or pink mules? Pink bag or purse? In the end, I decided to dress up as Carrie so I settled with my Maong pants, funky belt, Pink [complicated]Tube top and my pink mules. Who cares if we’re expected to wear black? Who cares if it’s a rock concert? Who cares if I puke? At least these whole outfit blends with my curls. haha

6pm: The Scourging at the Fx: ok, I’m a commoner, I had to commute going to Megamall. I decided to ride the Fx in Pasig, I had to wait for 30 freaggin’ mins. Because not a lot of people are going to mega as commuters and the Fx had to fill all 10 seats. Great, just great! And to add insult to the whole situation, the traffic was really bad going to the mall. I was suffering ‘coz I can’t stretch my legs during the ride plus the woman seating next to me smells bad and she doesn’t wanna stop talking. I’m normally very patient but hey, we all have our saturation points right?

7:30: Crowning with Humiliation: Because I know that my friends won’t be arriving soon, I decided to spend my time reading The Last Order sa Penguin in Powerbooks. I was laughing alone and really enjoying it that I didn’t realize it was past 8pm. My friend Amitz arrived and we immediately decided to have dinner. Oops, it was too late before I realized that I haven’t paid yet. The woman in charge at the café was running after us while calling out to me. “Miss, Miss.. Ma’am, di pa po kayo bayad!”.Err, i wanted to die in embarrassment. Imagine everyone with their books taking a peek at who this stupid girl is, yeah the stupid girl’s me. haha… my friend Amitz, left me while I was paying. Ok, so much for being a friend.hahaha..

9pm: Carrying of the Whole Body: Amitz and I embarked on a journey of finding a cheap and peaceful place where we can eat dinner. And after almost an hour of walking, we decided to stop fooling ourselves because we can’t really find a place which isn’t crowded in Mega. Since we’re on a tight budget we decided to eat in Joillibee and found comfort in the fact that we haven’t eaten there for quite sometime.

10pm: Crucifixion and Death of our Hope: We really wanna try to go to the event, but the moment we saw how crowded and uninviting the crowd was, we changed our minds. We weren’t that interested to actually go through the process of mingling with these people. (Elitists! Haha) WE still wanted to look at the Avril Lavigne meets Matrix fashion sense of some people and we still wanted to feel of going to the party so we settled on something of a compromise. We decided to drink at the Mega Strip and spend the night coinversing and being the fashion police. Something really funny happened while we were on our way to the restaurant. We crossed paths with a group of weird-looking guys. One of them stopped in front of me and out of nowhere blurted out, “Conio!”… I was too surprised to react.. it was weird and funny at the same time. Oh well, it amused me.. haha.. we went home really late and though it wasn’t the experience I expected it to be, I must admit that I had fun. Having fun is relative anyway .haha..

Generation Why ohh Why Delilah!

A lot of things happened to me in the past days, I’ve been wanting to write something for this blog but my time (err, more like my mood) won’t permit me. Lemme start with this tiny feeling of admiration that I’m feeling for someone I met recently. I’ve always been attracted to writers / artists/ profound men and God has once again introduced me to an interesting guy. It’s not like I WILL FALL, but it’s just nice to wake up again with this giggly feeling that I might talk to him again during the day. Too early to talk about him, let’s move to something more “academic”…

Last Wednesday, I went to the Generation Why3 at the Ateneo De Manila University and tried to be a part of a group of young people trying to make a difference. As usual, my greatest concern was what should I wear, coz I was thinking that if we wanna make a change, I’d rather do it with fashion. Haha.. so, I decided to wear my red off-shoulder top, pink skirt with diagonal stripes and my pink mules. I was with my friend Bon, who was equally stunning in his own ensemble.

When we arrived, I was in a way disappointed because it seemed like only the speakers and the organizers are dressed for the part. I was glad that Tim Yap came ‘coz it gave me the reason to flaunt my fashion sense,haha.. I know, you might think that the students who came didn’t attend the conference with a fashion show in mind, but they could’ve at least exerted some effort right? They would wanna represent their own universities in style. But the bigger disappointment was the level of thinking displayed by some of the students who asked questions during the open forum...

Some where merely trying to show off by starting with.. “I know that… (blah,blah,blah)” and ends it with a, “ so, why (a question which is not in any way related to whatever the speaker talked about or something so shallow that anyone can deduce the fact that he just wanted to brag about something he knows)”. It was very disappointing because I didn’t see the point of trying to play the part of the intellectual with such lousy attempts. I’m no genius but at least I know when to ask the right questions. There were also those who wanted to play the part of the “activist” though it was obvious that they really have no idea what it takes to be a true-blue activist. It’s not just about opposing whoever is in power, it has to be opposition with the right reasons to back it up.

In the end, I had fun during the conference plus I had my own share of the limelight. I asked a question during the latter part of the conference ( I wanted everyone to know that someone from the UP School of Economics was there, harhar) about the Digital Divide and the Knowledge-driven economy, it was actually impromptu because the question I really wanted to ask was about the characteristics of the call center industry with respect to it not really solving the country’s problem of unemployment in a long term kind of way. Unfortunately, the person I wanted to ask left so I had to device a new question ( I didn’t wanna go back to my seat since I was already standing on the aisle and I was next). Besides the fact that the photographer took some pictures of me ( I hope to see it in Inquirer! Hehe), I was actually quoted by the closing speaker of the conference, Mr. Michael Tan from the UP Anthropology department. I was overwhelmed, because when he mentioned my name, almost everyone looked at me. Dyahe. Haha.. then, someone approached me and started to ask me a lot of funny questions. Hanep, sikat! Haha..