Generation Why ohh Why Delilah!

A lot of things happened to me in the past days, I’ve been wanting to write something for this blog but my time (err, more like my mood) won’t permit me. Lemme start with this tiny feeling of admiration that I’m feeling for someone I met recently. I’ve always been attracted to writers / artists/ profound men and God has once again introduced me to an interesting guy. It’s not like I WILL FALL, but it’s just nice to wake up again with this giggly feeling that I might talk to him again during the day. Too early to talk about him, let’s move to something more “academic”…

Last Wednesday, I went to the Generation Why3 at the Ateneo De Manila University and tried to be a part of a group of young people trying to make a difference. As usual, my greatest concern was what should I wear, coz I was thinking that if we wanna make a change, I’d rather do it with fashion. Haha.. so, I decided to wear my red off-shoulder top, pink skirt with diagonal stripes and my pink mules. I was with my friend Bon, who was equally stunning in his own ensemble.

When we arrived, I was in a way disappointed because it seemed like only the speakers and the organizers are dressed for the part. I was glad that Tim Yap came ‘coz it gave me the reason to flaunt my fashion sense,haha.. I know, you might think that the students who came didn’t attend the conference with a fashion show in mind, but they could’ve at least exerted some effort right? They would wanna represent their own universities in style. But the bigger disappointment was the level of thinking displayed by some of the students who asked questions during the open forum...

Some where merely trying to show off by starting with.. “I know that… (blah,blah,blah)” and ends it with a, “ so, why (a question which is not in any way related to whatever the speaker talked about or something so shallow that anyone can deduce the fact that he just wanted to brag about something he knows)”. It was very disappointing because I didn’t see the point of trying to play the part of the intellectual with such lousy attempts. I’m no genius but at least I know when to ask the right questions. There were also those who wanted to play the part of the “activist” though it was obvious that they really have no idea what it takes to be a true-blue activist. It’s not just about opposing whoever is in power, it has to be opposition with the right reasons to back it up.

In the end, I had fun during the conference plus I had my own share of the limelight. I asked a question during the latter part of the conference ( I wanted everyone to know that someone from the UP School of Economics was there, harhar) about the Digital Divide and the Knowledge-driven economy, it was actually impromptu because the question I really wanted to ask was about the characteristics of the call center industry with respect to it not really solving the country’s problem of unemployment in a long term kind of way. Unfortunately, the person I wanted to ask left so I had to device a new question ( I didn’t wanna go back to my seat since I was already standing on the aisle and I was next). Besides the fact that the photographer took some pictures of me ( I hope to see it in Inquirer! Hehe), I was actually quoted by the closing speaker of the conference, Mr. Michael Tan from the UP Anthropology department. I was overwhelmed, because when he mentioned my name, almost everyone looked at me. Dyahe. Haha.. then, someone approached me and started to ask me a lot of funny questions. Hanep, sikat! Haha..

All Psyched Up

Seats away, I can almost imagine holding you
The way you browse through your things make
me want to throw it away and invade your seemingly calm entirety
Our eyes met in a number of instances and we
both looked away to break free from the humiliation
I like your bracelet, your blue shirt,
your ring, your unruly hair, your half smile--
Ohh that half smile makes me want to take a second look
to know if half of it is for me.
You stare intently at emptiness, pretending to listen and struggling
to control your yearning.You looked down and I stared,
Your seats away but I can almost imagine you beside me,
oblivious to anything but my stare.
Break free, move in emotional nudity.
I will clothe you, and if you ask me to, I will explore you.
You shall find out, you shall recognize your armored persona..
Then you shall strip, slowly but in an agonizingly
sweet surrender..
-to Mr. Psych..

Reflection

She’s but an
image portrayed and changed.
A chameleon, a mounted mirror. No
corners, no edges, continuous. Spontaneity
and confusion formed by suds. She can be
emptiness, a reflection of A white tiled wall.
Not a perfect reflection, spotted, wet.
Silent and loud. Subtle and mocking.
The mirror and the woman, their mere reflections are different
no more.

One Way Secret Affair

To deny one’s feelings is suicide.
Enthralling my defense would make my world crumble.
From the falls of uncertainty sprouts an inexplicable longing and grief.
Diversion is not a panacea, and neither is acknowledgment and assurance.
Melodious and moving, I capture your smile, I hold your hands in my hallucination…
Love isn’t a part of my plan and to get caught up in this is such an ignominy.
I am having an affair with you, nobody knows, not even you.

Depression 101

Depression isn’t just a state of mind nor of the heart but it’s a challenge one has to overcome. I feel that it’s normal because every person has this blank space in his life, unexplainable and totally indescribable. It’s like something is lacking and it takes sometime for one to figure out or even comprehend what it is.

I am normally a happy person, I find enjoyment in the littlest of things, but there are times when I feel that everything is just coming to an end. And the end is not something that I imagined from the start. Depression comes to me if I feel that I have turned into a big failure.

Ever felt the urge to look at your closet, arrange everything, neatly fold them and end up making bigger mess? ever tried to talk to a person to resolve the issues you have against each other and ending the conversation with the feeling that you just feel more hatred for the person in the same way that this person is also hating you more? Ever felt so helpless that there’s nothing you can do but cry, even if you have tried to rationalize everything and you have assured yourself that you’re not really doing bad? Ever felt like nobody appreciates you even if you are surrounded by people who never fail to make you feel loved and special? Felt this feeling of inadequacy knowing that there are just some things you can never accomplish which you have believed you will easily achieve before?

Everything just piles up, everything just emerges when you start contemplating about your life and all you see are the depressing aspects of it. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, maybe because I have time. That’s what I don’t like about solitude and free time, it gives me the chance wander into my insecure side. I appreciate my solitude, especially now that my life has been so fast-paced, so artificial, so superficial and so uhmm, intriguingly boring. Solitude keeps me alive, it keeps me from being caught up in these emotional rollarcoaster I made for myself. Where’s the merry go ‘round anyway?

The End of a Crisis

Things are kind of settled now. As always, God has guided me to what I should do. I prayed hard this morning and looked at my options. Should I just stop chatting, delete mg MIRC program? Should I ask for an attention-seeking public confrontation? Should I just keep quiet? But God told me to look at things in a different perspective, be open to the possibility of making things clearer by once again talking to this guy. That’s what I did…


MsEconomist> hey, i still think we should talk..
MsEconomist> in a more laidback way.. =)
delicatebeat> Sure
MsEconomist> ive been doin a lot of thinkin since last night, and well, i came to the conclusion that yeah i may have come out too strong or somewhat annoying to people.
MsEconomist> and i just wanna say that it's unintentional. can u tell those people that im sorry?
delicatebeat> Yep
delicatebeat>No Problem
delicatebeat>> :D
MsEconomist> are we ok now? i mean, i was really disappointed that people see me in a negative way..
MsEconomist> and when i said na im used to the treatment, i mean it.
MsEconomist> coz im very at ease with the people i interact with..
delicatebeat> Yeah, we ok now
MsEconomist> i had no idea na im annoying anyone,
delicatebeat>> Mmmm
delicatebeat>> Sometimes when we look at the mirror we don't see the bvious
delicatebeat>> Ganun talaga
MsEconomist> i guess that rough on the edges thing is in a way a reflection of my bein too game to talk about almost anythin..
delicatebeat>> Kaya most often i enlist someone to censor me
delicatebeat> Di ba?
MsEconomist> another thing i felt bad about was that nobody talked to me about it.
delicatebeat> Gagawa ka ng program let's say or a painting
delicatebeat>You want feedback from others
MsEconomist> im very open to that naman, i mean it wudve been better if they told me right there and then..
delicatebeat> Shemps you'd be subjective because it's your "baby"
delicatebeat> Same as with our attitudes
MsEconomist> i dont need people to be polite per se, i want them to be honest w/ me..
delicatebeat>> MsEconomist: They haven't got the nerve or the time
delicatebeat> Or prolly the concern
delicatebeat>> Not the same case with me
MsEconomist> because ive been very honest..
delicatebeat>> Kasi i have the time and the concern
MsEconomist> yeah, and thanks for pointing that out.
delicatebeat>> :D
MsEconomist> i never realized that they're that burdened by my presence..
MsEconomist> and i feel bad tat i have a negative effect on them.
delicatebeat> Not really burdened
delicatebeat>> Take the case of some person
delicatebeat> You do know what flaming is, don't you/
delicatebeat>> ?
MsEconomist> flaming?
MsEconomist> uhmm, i didnt quite get that..
delicatebeat> Flaming
delicatebeat> It's publicly dissing a person
MsEconomist> ohhh..
delicatebeat> Usually in forums and boards
delicatebeat> And e-mail
delicatebeat> And also applicable to chat
MsEconomist> it's kinda problematic for me, because i never had any intention to publicly diss anyone,, did it actually look like that when i comment on some stuff?
delicatebeat>> Well sometimes
delicatebeat>> Kaso i was too busy to play arbiter
MsEconomist> oh well, yeah i guess i should be more conscientious.. honestly, i never intended any of my replies to be offensive that's why i was dumbfounded last nyt.

I got disconnected, but it was a relief to actually talk to him again. At lest I know that he meant no harm. Though I’m still unhappy with the fact that he chose to publicly humiliate me first, I just thought that maybe I wouldn’t have paid attention if he didn’t do that. I’m ok now, ready to face the world again and wink at it. Another crisis has been resolved, I wonder what’ll be next…

Shadows

I’m in a dimly lit room, staring at the shadows that mock me. When innocence and foolishness collide into a conspiracy, loneliness exists, even in the company of friends. Camaraderie discreetly alienates and any "What if?" leaves you devastatingly disillusioned. When you are in a dimly lit room, don't be afraid to stare back at the shadows that mock you. Stare back, let these shadows crack. Be the light and command them not to come back.

Ang Laki Kasi ng Boobs Mo…

“The grass is always greener on the other side…” Totoo nga naman. Habang ang mga hindi masyadong “gifted” na mga kababaihan ay nagdadasal para biglang magsitubuan ang kanilang mga dibdib at habang ang karamihan ay gumagastos ng malaki para lang magpadagdag, ito ako at napapaisip sa kung ano ba ang magandang naidulot sa akin ng aking mga malulusog at mabibilog na hinaharap.

Mababaw na kung mababaw, pero aminin man ng iba o hindi, ang pagiging “gifted” o voluptuous ay may mga downsides. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na ayoko sa “kanila” (tinuturing ko sila na mga kapatid ko..) pero nagiging malaki rin silang pabigat sa aking pangaraw-araw na buhay, literal man o hindi. Ito ang ilan sa aking mga reklamo…

Kapag malaki ang boobs mo…

1. Nagiging malaswa ang kahit anong isuot mo, mapa-simpleng t-shirt man ito o peasant blouse. Talagang nakakadismaya ito sapagkat ang simplent spaghetti strap shirt na maganda namang tignan sa kapatid mo ay nagmimistulang kasuotan na naghahatid kasalanan kapag ikaw na ang may suot. In other words, isa kang malaking temptasyon.

2. Madalas sa hindi, naa-attract mo ang mga lalaking ayaw mo naman maattract, namely mga jeepney drivers, barker, konduktor, tambay sa kanto, manyakis na mga lalaki sa Bar etc. At ang totoo nito ay imbes na maging flattered ka ay nalo-low self esteem ka dahil feeling mo ay ang cheap mo na.

3. May mga pangarap na hindi mo na pwedeng matupad tulad ng pagiging isang mahusay na Ballerina, figure skater o gymnast o maging miyembro ng PEP Squad, unless puro split lang ang gagawin mo at hindi ko kailangan magtatalon. Dahil kung hindi, malamang ay tagtag na tagtag ang pakiramdam pagkatapos ng mga activity sa sports na nabanggit.

4. Hindi mo pwedeng bilhin ang mga magagandang bra na nakikita mo sa Genevieve Gozum sapagkat 1/3 lng ng boobs mo ang kasya dito at malamang sa hindi ay maghe-hello siya pag naging magalaw ka.

5. Mas malaki ang chance na maging kuba ka dahil sa bigat ng iyong dinadala.

6. Iniisip ng ibang tao na kaya ka niligawan ng kasama mong lalaki ay dahil natutuwa siya sa iyong “gift” o kaya naman ay iniisip ng mga hindi masyadong nakakakilala sa’yo na kaya mas maraming attracted sa’yo ay hindi dahil sa personality mo kundi sa boobs mo. (gaya nga ng sinabi ni Joyce Jimenez sa Narinig mo nb ang L8st,”My brain is bigger than my boobs”.. in other words, henyo ako.. harharhar!)

7. Madalas kang maging center of attraction lalo na kung nagkakakuwentuhan at malamang sa hindi ay nagiging katatawanan pa ang iyong mga mammary glands.

8. Hindi ka maaring matulog ng nakadapa unless naghahanap ka ng breast cancer. DI ka rin pede matulog sa klase sapagkat ang iyong boobs ay sasabit sa desk ng chair mo.

9. Awkward ang pakiramdam kahit na simpleng hug lang ang ibigay mo, lalo na kung sa opposite sex.

10. Last but not the least, lagi kang tatanungin ng kapwa mo babae kung totoo ba ang boobs mo at kung ano ang kinakain mo nung “growing up” years mo at lumaki yan ng ganyan… (mahilig ako sa patatas.. ewan ko lang kung naging factor un..)

Marami pa sana ako sasabihin pero ito na lang muna. Sa kabila ng lahat ng mga reklamo ko, masasabi kong masuwerte parin ako, at kung mabibigyan ako ng pagakataon na pumili between having big breasts and not, I’ll still choose to have it. Aba, kung flat-chested ako, then it would be a different story altogether…

Random Thoughts ng Pagpapanggap…

Carl’s Jr. SM Megamall 4:30 pm : I fear for you… Paulit-ulit na sinasabi sakin yan ng kaibigan ko tuwing magkasama kami. Tama naman siya, kahit ako natatakot ako para sa sarili ko, kasi gaya ng dati pumapasok nanaman ako sa isang sitwasyon na malamang sa hindi, ako nanaman ang talo. Pucha naman kasi, kung bakit sa dinami-rami ng pwedeng mahalin, bakit siya pa… Bakit ang “best friend” ko pa.

Pagmumuni-muni sa Kuwarto ko, 11 pm : Aminin na natin, hindi naman ako lang ang may dilemang ganito. Sa pananaw ko nga, ang dapat sisihin sa problema ko ay ang nagsabi na “Friendship is the foundation of Love.” Alam ko marami makakarelate kasi nga naman ang pagpapanggap madalas nangyayari sa mga magkakaibigan daw(?) na hindi na mapaghiwalay.

Ganito ang sitwasyon. Magkakilala na kami kinder 1 pa lang, sa totoo lang para siyang rabbit. Ang laki kaya ng ngipin nya, kaya ang tukso sa kanya Bugs Bunny e. Hindi kami close nun elementary pa kami, pero siya ang kauna-unahang lalaki na niyakap ko sa harap ng maraming tao. Kami kasi magkapartner sa isang skit naming noong grade five. Sa pagkakatanda ko, crush nya un isa naming friend, mala-diyosa un talagang lahat nagkakandarapa sa kanya. Hindi naman ako affected kasi may crush din naman akong iba nun no. Nung highschool, nagsimula kami mag-bonding, pero may girlfriend sya nun. Sabay pa nga kami nag-UPCAT, sabi pa nya ang dali lang daw, pero wag ka, ako ang pumasa at siya hindi. Hahaha.. pero di yun ang isyu, Nag-break sila nun gf nya, at talaga naming nagalit ako dun sa babae dahil isa syang salawahan pero cmpre, bilang kaibigan lang un. Tapos nun debut ko, kami nanaman ang magkasama namigay ng imbitasyon, akala nga nung iba kami na, pero gaya nga ng dati, paulit-ulit ko cnasabi na magkaibigan lang kami. Nun mismong araw ng debut ko, after ng party, magkadikit nanaman kami. Nagsisiksikan sa isang upuan at magkayakap, pero akap kaibigan lang un. Pagkatapos ng debut ko, madalas na siya tumawag, nanood kami ng sine, kumain sa labas pero bilang mag-best friends. Tapos, bigla siya nawala.

Bakit ako naging affected eh bestfriend ko lang sya? Kasi nga, di ko na namalayan, nain-love na pala ako sa kanya. Kung gaano kami ka-close nun buong summer, ganun naman kami ka-cold nun nagkaron ng pasok. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maka-move on, para ipakita sa sarili ko na magkaibigan lang talaga kami. Pagkatapos ng isang taon, summer nanaman. Sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na di ko na papayagan na masaktan nanaman ako...

Pagmomotmot sa Oz Café kasama ang barkada 4:30 pm: I fear for myself... Tumawag siya, I had to sound cheerful, kasi ayoko naman mapahiya. Kinukuwento niya na nasaktan nanaman siya, na may minahal siya kaya siya nawala. Tapos tinatanong niya kung bakit raw parang wala ako sa mood makipag-usap. Ano gagawin ko? E habang nagpapanggap ako na masaya ang tono ng boses ko, tumutulo naman ang luha ko, kasi kahit isang buong taon ko pinaghandaan ang muli naming pag-uusap, isang salita lang nya handa nanaman ako masaktan ulit.

Sa MRT, nakikinig sa Radio ng 6510: Di na nga natuto... Tama, bagay nga sakin yan. Kung bakit naman kasi walang course para patigasin ang puso. Kung ako na Lang Sana… Tama nanaman. Kasi hindi na sya nadala sa kaka-date ng iba, tapos pag nasaktan tsaka lang ako naaalala. Pucha talaga.

Sa harap ng PC ko : Marami talagang mga mapagpanggap sa mundo eh. Hindi ko alam kung may patutunguhan pa itong pagkakaibigan namin. Gusto ko na sana sabihin sa kanya, pero cmpre natatakot ako. E kung bigla nya ko pagtawanan? Sige, magpapanggap na lang ako. Di bale na maubos luha ko kakaiyak, kung hindi man maging kami balang-araw, wala na ko pakialam. Kailangan ko na matulog, manood pa kami ng sine ng bestfriend ko bukas...

One Summer Nightmare

“Wala ako money eh, katawan ko na lang gusto mo?” That was Carlo’s reply when I asked him of what he’d give me for my birthday. Yeah right, seeing his naked body would be more of a torture for me instead of a birthday gift. The thought of him in full nudity makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t help but laugh while I was lying on my bed, listening to Daniel Beddingfield’s If You’re Not the One that summer evening. The whole text conversation started when he sent me the message, “Stay as sweet as you are..” our of nowhere.

“Katawan mo? Di kaya parang abunado pa ko nyan? I texted back. Thinking that it would end the whole horny mood. I knew something was up, but I was basically in denial because Carlo was my classmate from Kinder 1 to 4th year high school and well, we belong to the same barkada.

“Oo nga pala, masarap ka. You know what Nice, I wanna be totally honest with you ‘coz you’re my friend. I would love to have sex with you.”

Where the f*ck did that come from? Sex? With me? What was he thinking? “Lasing ka ba? I refuse to continue this conversation dude, what did I do to make you say that? I’m a very open-minded person, but damn, you know very well that I don’t have plans of having sex in the near future. You should know that, we’ve been friends since forever!” I was shaking and I almost dropped my cellphone while trying to come up with a logical reason on why he had the nerves to say that.

“Sige, pero if you change your mind nandito lang ako. Sana you won’t feel awkward pag nagkita tayo, nothing has changed naman. I’m sorry, kasi simula ng na-devigrinize ako I can’t help it e. I can’t promise this won’t happen again, because.. Everytime I masturbate, I think of you.”

That was it! I closed my phone and refused to see what crap he would send me. I refuse to be sexually harassed through SMS by a sorry a$s who turned into some sex maniac just because some girl finally slept with him. I can’t believe he’s the same Carlo who was the Choir master and the friend that I had. Whether he was drunk or serious, I don’t give a damn. If he wants to have sex, he won’t get it from me. I didn’t tell my friends anything ‘bout this li’l encounter we had, I still care for him. It just made me realize how people can drastically change, all it takes is a little time, or maybe a little SEX.

Talk Trash

Life’s full of shit, yet I’m happy. No, this isn’t ‘bout me whining about how unfair life is. It’s also not about me trying to figure out a way on how to find Mr. Right. This is just about shit, pure and natural shit.

Sometimes, I find myself totally exhausted after one damn day of doing crap and talking trash. Yes, I’m still the goody-two-shoes girl that everyone has grown to admire and love. In fact, I’m still the same old boring me trying to find my way in this highway full of pathetic losers imitating everyone and performing in this one helluva movie. I refuse to be a part of this fairytale, I refuse to give in, I refuse to bow in such nonsense crap. I AM ME, no pretentions and no limitatations. I know my responsibilities, I know my priorities. But once in a while, I find myself doing stupid and out-of-this-world things.

My life has been monotonous, stuck in this monochromatic television where other people have the power to change channels. My life is another program in this world full of assholes and bitches that are so damn hard to please. Now, I crawl in one corner, looking for the bitchy side of me. Getting in touch with my “evil side” is quite enlightening. Yes, I do date, A LOT. But what I cant understand is the fact that people won’t understand me. Believe this, I am not a SLUT. Not now, not ever. I would never sleep around even if it’s what the world dictates. I love myself and I love my life. I don’t kiss guys, I don’t get fucked up. And I think it’s cool.

That’s what makes me different. I’m a virgin bitch in this world of horny, fucking assholes who just can’t wait but feel the deepest side of my flesh. I don’t wanna join the bandwagon of whores and sluts. Kiss my ass!!! I am a woman. I am a bitch. I can be one helluva lover, I can even make you itch. But then again in the end this is still me. The simple girl, talking trash and stuck in crazy me.