And so it has come to this, as I sit on my favorite spot in Starbucks for the nth time, the experience has officially changed. I still am alone, but not lonely, I still am in front of my laptop, typing my way out of confusion but not despair. It really wasn’t easy to figure out, in fact, I’ve known the answer from the beginning. Only, that I tried too hard to deny it if only to delay the unimaginable pain that’s been there. Yes, it was painful, it still is once in a while. It still negates everything I used to believe in, but the difference is, I can watch and let things unfold without being a part of it. Being a stranger in a situation that you are so familiar with is like trying to not spill a secret that you’ve been dying to share to your closest of friends. I am troubled.
It wasn’t a few times that I tried to replay the circumstances in my head. Rewind, fast forward, pause, slow play…and the ending remains, I am here. It was a fun rollercoaster ride, with moments that make me close me eyes just so I can make the feeling linger a little longer. These moments were not of laughter but of half-smiles concealed in between yosi breaks and awkward silence. The intensity that was felt was not like anything that can be imagined. It was one of those, “if-this-is-not-love-i-don’t-know-what-is” scenarios. Yes, it lacked a theme song, except for that time when spontaneity dictated that a song had to be sung or at least listened to. It wasn’t even a happy song… it was a song that didn’t match what was felt at that time. But any melody will do, any set of lyrics will be appropriate because mere togetherness was perfect. It was so perfect that even the sound of a machine that hauls cement to a half-done building would’ve sounded like an orchestra singing to you, for you, with you.
I remember. I try to. If only to give justice to what I felt, what I believed in, what I imagined and who I have imagined to love. And so it has come to this, as I sit on my favorite spot in Starbucks for the nth time, the experience has officially changed. I still am alone, but not lonely, I still am in front of my laptop, typing my way out of confusion but not despair. I will find you because if I interpreted it right, you vowed to find me too.
It wasn’t a few times that I tried to replay the circumstances in my head. Rewind, fast forward, pause, slow play…and the ending remains, I am here. It was a fun rollercoaster ride, with moments that make me close me eyes just so I can make the feeling linger a little longer. These moments were not of laughter but of half-smiles concealed in between yosi breaks and awkward silence. The intensity that was felt was not like anything that can be imagined. It was one of those, “if-this-is-not-love-i-don’t-know-what-is” scenarios. Yes, it lacked a theme song, except for that time when spontaneity dictated that a song had to be sung or at least listened to. It wasn’t even a happy song… it was a song that didn’t match what was felt at that time. But any melody will do, any set of lyrics will be appropriate because mere togetherness was perfect. It was so perfect that even the sound of a machine that hauls cement to a half-done building would’ve sounded like an orchestra singing to you, for you, with you.
I remember. I try to. If only to give justice to what I felt, what I believed in, what I imagined and who I have imagined to love. And so it has come to this, as I sit on my favorite spot in Starbucks for the nth time, the experience has officially changed. I still am alone, but not lonely, I still am in front of my laptop, typing my way out of confusion but not despair. I will find you because if I interpreted it right, you vowed to find me too.
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