Compounded Loneliness

picture from POSTSECRET

“In all languages in the world, there is the same proverb: “What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over.” Well, I say that there isn’t an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we’re in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them. “

– Eleven Minutes by P.Coelho

I am allowed to take it back. I am lonely. And no matter how hard I try to stop myself from quoting Britney, I can’t help it, “My loneliness is killing me.” Sometimes, I find myself staring at nothing because I feel this emptiness, the kind of emptiness that you can’t figure out. Emptiness that roots from nothingness is the hardest to cure. It bugs you and it doesn’t stop. It’s the kind of loneliness that finds comfort in more loneliness. It’s compounded loneliness. This is the shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I don’t know how but experience has taught me that happiness and loneliness are, at times, not mutually exclusive. I argue with myself a lot, these are the kind of arguments that lead to moments that necessitate writing. These are arguments that are unwinnable because in the end, I both win and lose. I get this a lot, situations that make me win and lose at the same time. It could be triggered by the simplest of moments, like a silly conversation. It gets tiring. Being in an emotional limbo is the equivalent of lying on your bed all day, with nothing to do but think of what you could be doing instead but at the same time being thankful that you are there, on your bed, doing nothing. It’s like running on a treadmill that brings you to hell and back in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours and a lifetime.

So, let me get back to this loneliness, this emptiness, this nagging feeling that things should be better. All triggered by one moment... a moment that started out happily. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about it… yet I am. How do we go back to before? How do we make things right? How do we start anew? How –

Then I am disrupted by this realization. This isn’t stemming from nothing because in the third paragraph of this supposed entry on nothingness,

#Last night, I thought of you - of how I have voluntarily prevented myself from living because I was waiting for you to live my dream, too. I have allowed myself to feel nothing because I want to feel everything with the idea of you. You were nothing until you became something, something that needed to be true.

I hate waiting. But remember that I waited for you and I would’ve waited with you… despite this compounded loneliness that you have inadvertently inflicted on me. With or without demand, I have paid. I take it back. I am lonely… and if you are too, and if by any chance you are just pretending, let me know. Maybe, just maybe, we can stop pretending… lose nothing and win everything.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuA-8euAi5s/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=mwur54r5vyr1
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuA-8euAi5s/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=mwur54r5vyr1

Lonely September

Plain White T's

I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove

[Chorus]
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

---

I'm still not convinced that Noynoy can handle being president...but if he is AT LEAST a fraction as honest and as patriotic as his parents... I will choose him over all the other crappy choices. It's time. Down with katrapuhan at kagarapalan! Th...is is the worst and the best time to be a lawyer but I will effin' try to be one this month... and when the smoke clears... I will be a part of something big. AKO ANG SIMULA.♥

BITTER Ocampo Conversation

Euns: oh well. ano naman ang masasabi mo sa note ko? madamdamin ba? Haha, nun tinanong ako ni hazel, para kay ____ ba un? sabi ko, "Nalito na rin ako. Di ko a lam kung para kanino!" haha
Friend: Pakshet ka. yun lang. Yung comment mo naiyak pa ko dun sa talyer comment.
Eunice: Diba diba? Kasi parang i fix 'em and make 'em ready to love.. but they never love me back. Ganun. Messianic complex.
Friend: Ewan ko sayo
Eunice: Totoo naman e. Parang ako, mahirap ba un? mahirap ba ko mahalin? Seryoso. Haha. Kasi walang nagtatake ng risk for me e. Di ko gets. :D
Friend: Hahahaha. Ako din.
Eunice: Lagi na lang, iniisip ko.. parang why can’t they like me enough to just fucking ask.
Friend: Parang alam nila that you're the perfect girl for them but they just won’t let themselves take advantage of that fact.
Eunice: It's soooo weird and i dont want to hear the, "Youre so valuable that they're afraid to lose you" crap. Kalokohan. Parang ako, what the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with them???
Friend: Kalokohan talaga.
Eunice: Argh.
Friend: There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with them.
Eunice: Why do i end up with really wrong men? Kainis na e.
Friend: Haaaaaaaay. Because we always think they could be the one, they could be the exception. That we ignore the signs even if they're there.
Eunice: Minsan talaga naiisip ko. kung payat lang ako malamang di na sila nagdadalawang-isip. Feeling ko talaga un e.
Friend: Hindi din...
Eunice: ANG LABO. Ako naman, napapansin ko naman un signs.. PERO FUCKING ASK ME OUT. Un lang naman, is it too much to ask? Haha!
Friend: Kung asshole asshole.
Eunice: Un na nga e. Puro na lang asshole.
Friend: Inignore mo yung signs. Gusto mo pa rin i-ask out ka kahit may asshole sign na. Hahaha.
PMS.
Eunice: Bar.
---------
Bitter Ocampo moment naming ng friend ko.

The Always Ending Love Story

It is a story that’s meant to be told. It hasn’t seen the end yet but it has seen a number of ends already. The beginning was just too magical that it can stand on its own. It started with running away, with leaving the past behind and not being afraid to be alone. It was supposed to be the beginning of her hiding, yet, just like the pot of gold that symbolized hope and optimism, she was found… underneath the chaotic pile of emotional baggage that she humorously called to be “her fortress.”

They weren’t strangers. Their faces looked familiar, in fact, a little too familiar that smiling at each other felt natural. It felt like they should have been doing it since forever, at least to her. Her smile was one of those smiles that she gives when there’s nothing to be said… and his was an awkward one, a smile that needs to be construed every single time. Their story started with distance that either protected or prevented them from coming to that point that has been a part of infinitely numerous stories, the cheesy point of no return. Poor distance couldn’t stand its ground anymore, slowly but skillfully, they inched their way into each other’s lives, with glances, abrupt beginnings, conversations that crawled into their souls… their hearts. The glances turned into stares, the beginnings were transformed into a series of short stories, and the conversations, oh, they turned into confessions, poems, songs and sometimes, into black and white movies reminiscent of emotional boldness.

Then came the twist… an eyeball-rolling, shitty and crappy expected twist. They did fall. They did not fall together, they fell apart. They fell in love… not with each other, but with the idea of having each other. It was so perfect that the idea had to be found somewhere else, in someone else. Both of them were so afraid to ruin its perfection that they both let it slip away. It was so perfect that It had to get fucked up. The stares became looks of longing, the conversations were transformed into moments of agony, of concealed pain, their confessions spoke of what they think can be uttered concealed in shallow jokes. The poems were turned into sad songs and sometimes, the romantic black and white movies just refused to play anymore… their emotional boldness was defensively clothed with hypocrisy, compromise and white but caring lies.

They knew it was it was nearing the end, they were being jolted out of inaction by circumstances. So, they started to run away…from each other. They could’ve run away together. They could’ve come to their senses. They could’ve fallen together… they could’ve seen the miracle that their hearts can create intertwined. They could’ve. She would’ve loved to. After all, she did wait… for a long time. From the moment that he let her in on a childish, foolish but sweet secret. From the moment he let her into his soul by getting lost in her eyes. But he never bothered to ask. He didn’t even stop… he breezed through the whole thing and moved on to a new adventure. Now, all that are left are memories… realizations that this story hasn’t seen its end but it has reached another abrupt ending.

Maybe another twist is written in the stars, or the sun, or wherever it is supposed to be written... only this time, it wouldn’t be an eyeball-rolling, crappy expected one. Maybe after everything, they both will get better from the disease that they have inflicted upon each other… that disease called fear and denial. Or maybe this really is the end. Who knows? Maybe love just took a wrong turn but is on its way. After all, it is an always ending love story. Nobody wants it to end. What everybody wants is for it to unfold… endlessly.

So It Has Come to This...

And so it has come to this, as I sit on my favorite spot in Starbucks for the nth time, the experience has officially changed. I still am alone, but not lonely, I still am in front of my laptop, typing my way out of confusion but not despair. It really wasn’t easy to figure out, in fact, I’ve known the answer from the beginning. Only, that I tried too hard to deny it if only to delay the unimaginable pain that’s been there. Yes, it was painful, it still is once in a while. It still negates everything I used to believe in, but the difference is, I can watch and let things unfold without being a part of it. Being a stranger in a situation that you are so familiar with is like trying to not spill a secret that you’ve been dying to share to your closest of friends. I am troubled.

It wasn’t a few times that I tried to replay the circumstances in my head. Rewind, fast forward, pause, slow play…and the ending remains, I am here. It was a fun rollercoaster ride, with moments that make me close me eyes just so I can make the feeling linger a little longer. These moments were not of laughter but of half-smiles concealed in between yosi breaks and awkward silence. The intensity that was felt was not like anything that can be imagined. It was one of those, “if-this-is-not-love-i-don’t-know-what-is” scenarios. Yes, it lacked a theme song, except for that time when spontaneity dictated that a song had to be sung or at least listened to. It wasn’t even a happy song… it was a song that didn’t match what was felt at that time. But any melody will do, any set of lyrics will be appropriate because mere togetherness was perfect. It was so perfect that even the sound of a machine that hauls cement to a half-done building would’ve sounded like an orchestra singing to you, for you, with you.

I remember. I try to. If only to give justice to what I felt, what I believed in, what I imagined and who I have imagined to love. And so it has come to this, as I sit on my favorite spot in Starbucks for the nth time, the experience has officially changed. I still am alone, but not lonely, I still am in front of my laptop, typing my way out of confusion but not despair. I will find you because if I interpreted it right, you vowed to find me too.

----

Prelude to the end…
of the beginning.

So our tears flowed
Without saying a word
Without thinking of our
goodbyes. It was a hug
most apt, a bandage
to our bleeding hearts.
The man talked about
Hope. Of wounded souls
And of once beating
But now suffering
hearts. The moment
was abruptly started.
A call. A message.
It was the end
of the beginning.
We are not going
To be together.
A series of flash
backs. Of misplaced
optimism. Of pats
on the back and silent
smiles. We knew
this was coming.
We just dreaded
That it’ll be
Too soon.
No letting go
Tears will flow
No more. Today
Is the day that we
Stand our ground.
I’ll see you at the end
Of this mocking
Road. I will hurry
Back to you, this
Is a prelude.
A prelude
To the end
Of the beginning
That never ends.

In Other Salita

In Tagalog:

Nung tiningnan mo ba ako, nakita mo rin ang takot
na dinala nito? Naaninag mo ba ang pagaatubili,
ang pagtatago na pilit kong pinapalitan
ng pagngiti at paghawi ng aking buhok na sa totoo
lang ay hiniling ko na takpan na lang ang aking pagkatao?

Nang hinawakan ba kita, nalaman mo na handa na
Akong ibigay sana ang pagtitiwala, ang pagkalinga
At ang pagmamahal ng nangungulila kong puso?
Pasensya ka na, mapatawad mo sana ang lahat
Ng pagtunganga, pagtahimik at pagsasawalang-

Bahala na ginagamit kong sandata laban sa’yo.

Hindi naman talaga laban sa’yo, kundi laban
sa posibilidad na maaari akong mahulog
at mapahamak sa pagtugon sa mahina pa
sanang tinig na nagsasabing ikaw, sana ikaw,
pwedeng ikaw, bakit ikaw? Mas malakas kasi

ang tinig na nagsusumamo na
sa ganitong pagkakataon, mauna na muna ako,
isipin ko muna ang sarili ko, mahalin ko muna ako.
Bakit hindi ako? Kasi pag nangibabaw nanaman
ang ikaw, magmimistula nanamang saling-pusa

lamang ang ako na sana’y maging bida naman
ng storyang tinatawag ko paring buhay ko.
Nang di natin namalayan na magkadikit na
ang ating mga tuhod, hita, kamay, mukha,
damdamin! Ako lang ba o parang sanay na sila

na magkasama? Ako lang Ba o parang matagal

nang hinintay kita? Ako lang ba o nanumbalik na
ang parating palang nating alaala? Ako lang ba?
Ikaw rin ba? Pero sa pagtatapos ng mahaba
At masalimuot na tanungang ito, Ang tanong parin
ay kung pwede nga rin ba ang tayo? Ako lang ba?

Itutuloy mo parin ba ang paghabol
sa kayo? Muli, natatakot nanaman ako. Kasi

kung tama ang palagay ko, matatapos na
kasabay nito ang guni-guni ko na sana tayo.
Kasi ang paglalaban ng kayo at ng tayo, yung
Huli ang medyo dehado. Sana lang sa desisyon
Mo, kahit na konti, maisip naman ako.

At ang paglalaro na laging taya ang puso ko.
-------------------------------
In English: Where are you and what’s up?!

Butterfly Effect

picture from POSTSECRET

The funny thing about love is… it’s the one game that you lose when you refuse to play."
-Ally McBeal


Hey dear butterfly,

I know, I know… I should be studying. I don’t know who you are or why you have insisted on hanging out beside me but thank you. Thank you for making my day. I need to be reminded that there are a lot of beautiful things around me and that one tiny glitch in the system is just that, tiny. How many times can one say that she had hung out or even studied with a butterfly for almost 7 hours? I did almost everything to make you go away, to fly, to find a better place… to just be far from me. Yet it chose to endure the pollution-infested spot beside me.

It was as if you were trying to make a point. The point, at least to me, was that if anyone decides to be with me, he will stay no matter how much shit he has to put up with beside me. The point was that if someone decides to choose me, he will stay without me having to ask for him to stay. When that time comes, I don’t have to play mind games because he will definitely let me know where he’s coming from, where we exactly are. I don’t have to agonize every night over how I can make him understand, how I can let him know that I have decided to be with him too… how I can make him stay because he just WILL. That’s the thing about faith, prayers and our humor-driven God, He absolutely moves in simple but mysterious ways. It took a butterfly that was willing to stay around for me to figure it out.

So thank you, newfound friend butterfly. I owe you one.
-----
Bubba, kung ikaw yan. Sabi ni Patty malamang pinagtatawanan mo raw ako. Fine, jan ka na lang. Samahan mo ko sa pag-iisa ko. <3

Present Past

“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
-Shine Down

Present Past

It started with a memory,
It ended without hope.
Now the table seems so empty,
My coffee has turned cold.

We used to talk of wishes,
of life and where we’ve been.
Had I known it was all it could be,
I would have stopped before the end.

This is my goodbye to a thousand reasons to cry.
I fought against my heart, resisted to play my part.
I almost fought for us, but goodbye…
My present past.

We used to end our days,
with short walks and secret fears.
You stole my heart before you wanted it,
You’ll never know I want you near.

This is my goodbye to a love I’ll always hide.
I was ready to lose you, even said I won’t miss you.
I guess we missed the bus, so long…
My present past.

My heart believed and my mind dreamed.
I’ll hold on to you ‘til tomorrow
So you’ll hold on to me today.
When you looked at me and whispered,
“Did you know I can control the wind?”
I sadly smiled and whispered back,
“Then fly with me, you’re all I need.”

Goodbye my present past, our story’s fading fast.
Goodbye my present past, this first song is our last.

Sharing Time (On Airman, Being Pregnant and Cramming)

Ana: May joke ako. Alam mo ba na dalawa ang superheroes sa commercial law?
Eunice: Sino-sino?
Ana: Edi si Warehouse man at Air man.
Eunice: (suya) Ook. Sino uli si Airman?
Ana : Ewan ko.
Eunice : Akala ko sya un host ng Walang Tulugan… si Airman Moreno.
(Ngii!)
-------
Ginawa ko sya ulit. Pagsakay ko sa MRT from Manila the other day, may isa palang pilahan na for pregnant women lang, with kids and senior citizens… Nun tinignan ko ang pila para sa mga normal na tao… Sobrang haba. So, nun turn ko na, un kahera ay tinanong ako… ‘Buntis po kayo ?’ Binigyan ko sya ng sobrang-saya-ko-i-can’t-believe-you’re-even’questioning me ! smile and said, ‘Opo, three months.’
Sorry Lord. Sorry talaga.
------
My “hmmm” thought for the day,

“If life is short and we have a lot of things we want to and should do, aren’t we all, technically, cramming?”

I still think we should do what needs to be done and not wait for the “right moment.” Why? Because we never really know. What if today was your last day? Wouldn’t it be just shitty to not let that person know that you like him? Wouldn’t it be just plain crappy if you didn’t write that stupid letter you’ve been planning to write for your loved ones? Wouldn’t it be just sad not to let that person know that you wrote a song for him simply because you felt it was time?

I hope in the future, when everyone’s “one the other side”, God will let us have the luxury to remember how we felt, what we felt and why we felt things. The saddest thing that could happen is to stare at the person who meant the world to you and not remember… not feel.

I’d like to think that love transcends not only time but eternity. If it doesn’t, oh well, shit happens.