Of Changes and Lotsa Tears

Last night was just bad, bad, bad... I ended up with a cold and a runny nose worse than a river. There are things that are out of my control, as much as I want to make them all go away and fix the things that complicate our peaceful and fun relationships, sometimes it is hard to fight the system. I appreciate the gesture, I appreciate people's sticking with me amidst my own little "crying scene", I felt scared and helpless and betrayed. I didn't think it could happen to me, I am one gullible optimist talaga. Well, it hasn't happened totally, in fact, this morning, it felt like things are back to normal, except for my sort of puffy eyes and runny nose of course.

I've never been the emotional one, but day after day, I feel that I am becoming more and more emotionally unstable. It saddens me that I can't live up to my old image of a grounded woman. But it's positive in a way, I get to see and recognize people who are willing to be strong for me when I am weak. That in those rare days that I need some cheering up, they stepped up and reminded me how beautiful life still is, no matter what. Than when I feel unbelievably frail and fragile, they were there to wrap their arms around me so I wouldn't find myself on the ground, crying and being pathetic.

Last night was bad, bad, bad but today... I'm ready to be better, better, better. =P

I Need to Write This Down

I met a really brilliant, funny and adorable kid last night. He did a lot of really interesting things in the past. I can't tell you what these things are but they definitely made my night [and day na rin]. He's a go-getter, he hates it when people lie and he's gullible este innocent. He used to be amicable and his neighbors loved him, in fact, they helped him in his little project. He has a friend who used to be head over heels in love with Isabel Granada and even shed blood for her. He did a lot of [stupid] but cute stuff that made me want to pinch his cheeks. I wasn't mocking him or laughing at him, natutuwa lang talaga ako. Ah, and he hates it when things are dirty, that's why he loves alcohol... uhmm, both the disinfectant and social lubricant.

I hope you guys meet him in the future. He's adorable really.

The Eternal Dilemma:

Sometimes, it's not enough that she makes you happy. You look at her and think about how you could possibly consider pursuing her. She's not like "HER". The "HER" that you imagine yourself falling for. She's not demanding, she's almost too available and she doesn't expect you to exert so much effort. Unlike "HER", she doesn't compel you to take care of her, she even voluntarily takes care of you. You don't feel the need to dress up, act prim and proper, heck you can even throw green jokes at her and she'll laugh. But she's not "HER". You look at "HER" and thinks, "SHE still is perfect." but when you look at her you think, "She's funny." Between PERFECT and FUNNY, you know which is better. You find yourself going to her when you are in need of taking a break, when you need your bruised ego to be cradled. She willingly does that, in fact, she's willing to drop almost everthing when she hears you call. You are fascinated at how carefree, hassle-free your NON-RELATIONSHIP is. You can go on and on in this situation. You even feel that you might doing her a favor by giving her your "excess time". In your mind, she must feel grateful that you chose her to fill the emptiness in your life. You mean no harm, you're just being a friend. You don't feel guilty. You are not closing your mind to the idea of someday pursuing her, you just need time to settle things out. How much time? You have no idea, anyway, it's not negatively affecting her right? In the mean time, stay with "HER" and let her be.

Ever wondered what she might be truly feeling? She knows she may never become "HER" yet she sticks around because you need her. She sets aside her self esteem, sense of self and her life because she wants you to feel and understand that she can go through a lot for you. She doesn't demand because she knows she has no right to demand. She takes care of you because she cares, because she cannot bear to see you broken. She does her best to fix you because she considers you to be a part of her. She doesn't pressure you to change because she has accepted you for who you are. She laughs at your jokes because she aches for your laughter that is intended for someone else. Yes, she can never be perfect, she never claimed to be one, but if being funny is the only way for her to make you feel better, she'd rather be funny at the risk of not being taken seriously, than be perfect and burden you. She cradles your ego because she wants to let you know that for her, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. She gives you a break while she painfully tries to conceal her own need for one. She drops everything because you are everything, and with you things are in their proper places. She chooses to settle for a carefree, hassle-free non-relationship because that's all you offer her. Your "excess time" is her "precious time". You can go on and on like this but she can only take so much. She fills the emptiness in your life because she wants to be a part of it too. She knows that you mean no harm, that's why she doesn't take it against you that you continuously hurt her, unconsciously.

How much time do you need? She wants to ask you that too, along with a lot of other questions.

Figure it out... before it's too late.

Blood to my Heart

Alex Fletcher: The best time I've had in the last fifteen years was sitting at that piano with you.
Sophie Fisher: That's wonderfully sensitive... especially from a man who wears such tight pants.
Alex Fletcher: It forces all the blood to my heart.

Kahit wala ka sinasabi, kahit na di natin pinag-uusapan.. kilala kita. At alam ko lahat. Kaya ang gusto ko sabihin sa'yo... May karapatan ka maging masaya. Gusto kong sabihin na sa tingin ko kaya ko un gawin para sa'yo, pero wala ako karapatan gawin un. Matagal na kita kilala, kahit noon pa na di mo alam na may problema ka. Kaya... nandito lang ako. Magkaibigan tayo. Un na lang muna, tsaka na un iba.

Ang aking Panalangin...

WAY BACK INTO LOVE
[Music and Lyrics OST]

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that i'll be there for you in the end

Hay Naku

What do you freakin' want from me? Seriously.

I am getting sick of this game. Decide. Then we'll go from there.

In the mean time, please stop hurting me. Or at least try to minimize the pain.

Panalo!

I was interviewed today for my internship application at Chan Robles and it really was a great experience. What made my day?

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Euns: [blah blah blah, yadda, yadda, yadda]
Interviewer: That was a very good answer... Parang pang Miss Universe ah.

Un na. Hehe. Pero bago ako makarating sa Rockwell to meet up with Chris, kailangan talagang mabangga un cab ko at tumaob un motor na may kasalanan naman pero binully kami hanggang JP RIZAL. Stress! Kung na-late ako pag-uuntugin ko silang dalawa.

Patty: Euns, you look confused. [pertaining to my pormal-pormalan get-up and tsinelas attire]
Euns: Patty, I AM CONFUSED.

PAGOD

Pagod na ako magsulat. Pagod na ako gumawa ng tula, ng talata, ng sanaysay at ng kwentong puro patungkol lamang sa pagmamahal at kawalan nito. Sa pagdaan ng mga araw, dahan-dahang natutunaw and yelo na pumipigil sa pagkaagnas ng aking puso sa kalungkutan. Kung minsan ay hindi lamang pagod kundi pagkamuhing nanunuot na sanhi ng mga paglalaro na nangyayari sa aking buhay na sawa na sa paglalaro. Ang babaeng masaya sa paningin ng marami ay madalas nais na lamang mapag-isa upang pagnilayan ang realidad sa kanyang mga agam-agam na pinagtitimpi ng ilusyon.

Masayang mabalot ng mahika, ng ilusyon at ng lahat ng bagay na di naman talaga tunay na nanatili, masayang maniwala sa mga konsepto na nangangako ng kaligayahan. Subalit hindi sa habang panahon ay magagawa nating manatili sa mundong nababalot ng maliliwanag at makukulay na kasinungalingan na nilikha natin. Hindi tayo hanggang kamatayan na mapoprotektahan ng magagandang alaala sapagkat ang buhay ay patuloy lamang na tumatakbo kahit gaano katindi pa ang kagustuhan na pigilin ito.

Pagod na akong magsulat, subalit ito na lamang ang aking nakikitang paraan upang mapabagal ko ang pagkapagod ng aking buong pagkatao. Ang pagod ay isang estado lamang ng utak na maaaaring kontrolin ng puso. Wag sanang dumating ang panahon na ang puso ko naman ang mapagod, at tanging LUHA na lamang ang magsisilbing tinta sa aking pagsulat ng storya ng aking buhay.

Don't Walk Away

Her night was almost ruined when she got reminded of him. "Movie tayo." was the first of the string of text messages that she sent him. She waited, and he surprisingly assented.

"Sure! When?" She replied tonight with all the hope and positivism that she could gather. She was reminded of her horoscope which she refuses to take seriously: IF YOU WANT TO FIND IT, YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. She was not looking because she has her eyes set on someone. "I'm still at work. Sige, pick you up at your place around 1o?" She smiled knowing that her day was just beginning.

"Ok, I'll go change. Later." She wasn't excited because of the idea of ROMANCE, she was just in need of that sense of familiarity, that feeling of actually belonging. With him, she felt at ease.

After a lot of "let's catch up" topics, he looked at her with the gentlest of all stares, with a half smile he said, "I miss having you around."

She smiled hoping that she could thank him enough and that she could make him feel how appreciated his gesture was. "I like it when you're near." Looking at him she added, "You make me feel that things are gonna get better."

He looked away, drawing with silence what seemed like a bundle of question marks. She sipped her iced tea and waited. He wiped that tiny wet spot on her mouth like reflex. "What's wrong?"

With a startled tone she blurted out, "What do you mean?"

"You wouldn't text me just like that if you were ok. I know you too well Eunice. Something OR SOMEONE is definitely bothering you. So, what's up?" He jokingly made the v sign.

She sighed, "Why didn't we work? We used to be ok right?"

"Because you find it hard to realize how beautiful a person you are. You always want reasons, you always want things to be logical when in fact, they're not meant to be logical." He took another sip and continued to look at her.

"Did you ever feel that I was the one?" She looked away, biting her nails and waiting for the dreaded answer.

"I wanted you so badly to be the one. I wanted our relationship to work so badly that at one point, I just had to give up. Remember when we would talk 'til the wee hours of the morning? I was so happy just knowing you're on the other line. God, sappy." It was his turn to look away.

Teary eyed she whispered, "I am sorry."

"You don't have to be. I was happy."

I have to tell him. She thought. "There's this guy. I don't know if I should go on looking at him that way."

"THAT way?"

""The way i used to look at you."

"Stop being so logical for a while and allow yourself to be happy. At least let him know."

"I don't think he feels the same way. I can't afford to tell him."

"In that case, let's smoke outside, walk towards the car holding hands and watch Music and Lyrics with your brother and sister."

"Sounds like a good plan."

They both stood up holding hands. He looked at her right before they stepped out of the restaurant, "Don't walk away from him, Euns. Don't give up without even trying."
-------

YOU GO AROUND IN CIRCLES

I.
If you ask me to stop, I will.
Please don't let me decide, it is bad
enough that I have to let you go
to her who's right for you.

V.
Then if you decide to make me stay...
I will stay, but you have to promise
that we won't go back. And that
YOU WILL NOT GO AROUND IN CIRCLES.

II.
Be with her, choose her, just
make sure that it is her you truly
want.. because if I say GO,
I will mean GO.

III.

I will turn around looking
at what's in it for me in the future.
I will not look back,
but I will be around.

IV.
That's the exact time when
it will be most painful. Exactly
when you see my back while
I cry and suck it all in.

Letter of Love no. 5

Hey,

Have we met? I am feeling you... I know that somewhere, you are around, NEAR. Or he may be similar to you. I watched Music and Lyrics last night and I was with someone who could've been you. But he wan't you. It was hard to be close to him knowing that you're not him. It felt so right, it's like we are meant to hold hands, like my body fits his side as I lean to say something. But he's a part of my past, a past that I would like to be reminded of, the past that showed me that I am capable of loving and of being loved in return. I was happy with him. Until we had to part before we end up wasting our happy memories. I must admit that I've been impatient these past few days. I have been questioning God why we have to spend this long a time apart. You maybe in a relationship and not thinking that it's me you're meant to love. But I don't believe in absolute destiny, you have to want to meet me when we reach that crossroad.

I agonizingly wait for you. It hurts knowing that we're looking, or that you are looking for me unconsciously. I want you so badly to be here at my lowest of lows. I know that with you, I will not be scared to let it allout. I will not be shamed to cry, to tell you that I made a lot of mistakes. To show you that I am human. It will be the first time that I'll take my mask off and strip, emotionally.

Please rescue me now, I am beginning to believe that I am meant to be alone... and that burdens my already weak heart.