Letter of Love no. 5

Hey,

Have we met? I am feeling you... I know that somewhere, you are around, NEAR. Or he may be similar to you. I watched Music and Lyrics last night and I was with someone who could've been you. But he wan't you. It was hard to be close to him knowing that you're not him. It felt so right, it's like we are meant to hold hands, like my body fits his side as I lean to say something. But he's a part of my past, a past that I would like to be reminded of, the past that showed me that I am capable of loving and of being loved in return. I was happy with him. Until we had to part before we end up wasting our happy memories. I must admit that I've been impatient these past few days. I have been questioning God why we have to spend this long a time apart. You maybe in a relationship and not thinking that it's me you're meant to love. But I don't believe in absolute destiny, you have to want to meet me when we reach that crossroad.

I agonizingly wait for you. It hurts knowing that we're looking, or that you are looking for me unconsciously. I want you so badly to be here at my lowest of lows. I know that with you, I will not be scared to let it allout. I will not be shamed to cry, to tell you that I made a lot of mistakes. To show you that I am human. It will be the first time that I'll take my mask off and strip, emotionally.

Please rescue me now, I am beginning to believe that I am meant to be alone... and that burdens my already weak heart.

From My Stagnant Cellphone's Camera

one rainy afternoon

i was staring at life passing me by

then they had to announce something

so i needed coffee to be sane

and get the ransom for my kidnapped phone

Altruism and Pain

I don't believe in altruism, although I salute people who think of other people first because their acts result to something positive, as opposed to those who choose to be selfish, there still is a subtle pay-off. Doing good makes them feel good and fulfilled. There is no such thing as absolute selflessness, people do things because they still are benefited or there is a promise of benefit in the future. Which brings me to why doing good still is the better choice at least in most situations. It's like hitting two birds with one stone. But sometimes we are compelled to make decisions which will do good to other people but will break us. It's hard to see where the benefit is, but for a persons like me who's been there, who's done it, the reward of not feeling guilty, though it does not offset the pain, is enough. We hear a lot of insights about thinking of yourself above all, of how the world is a big SURVIVORS' ARENA, but I would argue that PAIN is a promise of good things to come. Pain is like St. John, it arrives to spread the good news of salvation, of better days, of hope.

Pain should be seen as a positive sign. The only thing that will stop the pain from leaving will be if we, as persons, allow ourselves to get disheartened by it. Unfortunately, PAIN sometimes is nothing more than pain. That's when it starts to suck big time.

Sometimes we feel pain that is impossible to drive away, the kind of pain that continuously digs a hole of emptiness within us, the kind that stays stubbornly, the kind that becomes part of our permanent pool of loneliness. Sometimes, we have to learn to live with it, to bring it with us everyday like a BADGE OF HONOR. This kind of pain is unforgiving, it becomes part of us, it becomes one with us. It's the kind of pain that doesn't kill us but makes us stronger. Trade-offs.

Why did I talk about altruism? Because living with that pain is a form of altruism in itself. Being happy despite that pain is selflessness demonstrated. Choosing to continue life amidst the lurking pain and continuing to contribute to the world is something that is an achievement in itself.
Pain is like one's guardian angel. It reminds us to be ready, to not stop feeling... It reminds us that we need to be reminded.

FLOAT TOGETHER [inside joke]

Panalo talaga ang McDonald's Powerplant. It's the new "place to be" for lovers. Ang ganda na ng sounds, masarap pa tumambay. Syempre pa ang aming favorite poster na naga-advertise ng float with the tagline, "FLOAT TOGETHER" habang may naglalandian na magkasintahan sa picture. Un na. Bagong pickup line, "Let's Float together." sabay abot ng coke or sprite float sa kasintahan.

Laughtrip ng sobra. Pag natuloy ang plano namin, may mga pusong mag-uumpisang magmahal. Haha. Idamay na natin ang kyat-kyat [di ko alam ang tamang spelling] na flowers turned fruits with the "Stairway to Heaven" surprise at hanapan drama.

Sa tingin ko isang tao lang ang tatawa ng tatawa sa entry na'to. Sige, ibabalato ko na yan sa'yo. Sana matawa ka at mahulog sa upuan mo.

Thank You for Sharing

Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossoms

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down

'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't star

All For You
Sister Hazel

Finally I figured out,
But it took a long,long time.
Now, I'll never turn about,
Maybe 'cause i'm tryin'

There's been time,
I'm so confused.
And all my roads,
Well,they lead to you.

I just can't turn and walk away...

It's hard to say what it is,
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
And I can't do,
Enough to prove,
It's all for you.

And I thought i'd seen it all,
'Cause it's been a long,long time.
Oh, I bottled up and trip and fall,
Wonderin' if i'm blind.

There's been time,
I'm so confused.
And all my roads,
Well,they lead to you.

I just can't turn and walk away...

It's hard to say what it is,
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
I can't do,
Enough to prove,
It's all for you.

Rain comes pouring down,
(Pouring down).
Falling from blue skies,
(Falling from blue skies..)

Words without a sound,
Comin' from your eyes...

Finally I figured out,
But it took a long,long time.
Oh, Now, I'll never turn about,
Maybe 'cause i'm tryin'

There's been time,
I'm so confused.
And all my roads,
Well,they lead to you.

I just can't turn and walk away...

It's hard to say what it is,
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
I can't do,
Enough to prove,
It's all for you...

Well,It's hard to say what it is,
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
I can't do,
Enough to prove,
It's all for you...

Ohh...
It's hard to say...

Yeah,It's hard to say-ay-hay.

It's all for you..

------
i just wanna be reminded that I know these songs. *winks

Pursuit of HappYness

I haven't watched the flick, heck I haven't even seen the trailer. I just feel that it is the most appropriate title for whatever it is that I am going to write in this entry. Let me start by saying that at this point in my life, I am sure that I am happy. Also, I am sure that in the future, I could be happier. At what level of happiness will I stop? I don't know, but the idea of better things to come makes me smile, even when I'm alone thinking of the things that could be.

Now, off to the more pertinent issue of what my plans are in the situation that I am in. I have written a litany about how I vow to move on and protect myself ... I even wrote a lot of things about giving him up and accepting that all we have right now cannot surpass the level of more than being friends. Yet, at the back of my mind, similar to all the hopeless romantics, optimists and idealists in this world, I know that there still is hope. That little possibility of working things out. I do not want to admit it, but I still cling to that tiny bit of hope. No matter how inconvenient, no matter how close to a thin thread it might be. I still am holding on.

My friends often ask me why, they even remind me of the presence of the other options, the less complicated ones. I guess I can never explain why it is him that I choose, why Peter Pan remains to be a fairytale and why Lost Boy will continue to be lost. Why even if Tinkerbell is inappropriate, I am completely drawn to the idea of him bringing back the magic in my already boring and monotonous life. I can never put logic into all these things because LOGIC muddles the clarity that only being IRRATIONAL can give. Tinkerbell is not even a guy if logic rules... but he is a guy. He is, at present, my guy.

It's ironic really that Neverland is the embodiment of my life. I never dreamed of being Wendy in the past and even today, I do not see why I chose Neverland over a wonderful castle or a heavenly paradise or even a grassy field. All I know is that my Neverland will never be magical without Tinkerbell and even if Peter Pan decides to leave, or if Lost Boy will disappear to form an alliance with Captain Hook, I'll be ok with it. But if this fairy decides to fly and abandon the little wonderland that we are in, my pursuit will bring me to a different direction. Perhaps, to a more gloomy one.

It's more than hard to be in my position. It's even more than painful. I guess my Pursuit starts when my misery begins. I don't know if Tinkerbell knows, but I know that he feels. He may be ignoring it or maybe trying to repair the bridge going back to friendship. I do not expect him to cross it with me, I never did... but if somehow, he finds it in his heart that it's actually worth it... I'll be more than happy to cross it again with him. That's where this fantasy will end and reality will set in. It's sad that at this point, I cannot share the happiness that he makes me feel, unknowingly, perhaps unintentionally. I might never will.

It's a PURSUIT, I know. But when does it become in sight? When does the pursuit end and when will simple happiness begin?

An Open Letter To a Fallen Angel

Even Angels Fall

You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.

She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
Even angels fall

It's true, even angels fall. No matter how strong you think you are, you need help. I am glad that I was at the other end of that table that night, listening to and looking at a side of you that I haven't seen nor listened to before. I cannot wholeheartedly say that I understand what you're going through because nobody understand anyone that fully. But I am continuously trying to discover how deep and meanigful our newfound friendship could go.

I am glad that I was there for you, no matter how unexpected, how unlikely and odd it felt and looked like. In the short period of time that I have known you, you have managed to entertain me and make me smile... these things, I appreciate. But to know that you trust me even a bit, enough to open up and show me the fallen angel that you are made me smile even more. Thank you for making me smile last night, it's not everyday that I feel I am taken seriously.

For the battles that you're in at present, let it be known that I support you and that I pray for you. Don't blame yourself for things over which you have no control, be glad that in this chapter of your life, you continue to be strong, giving in once in a while to fragility that is part of our reality. Don't give up now, we, your friends, can be strong for you if only you'll let us. Continue giving us that smile and never let go of your faith and optimism. Even if you have fallen, nothing's gonna stop you from standing up again.

You are an angel, don't let anything or anyone take that away from you.

SMILE NAMAN TAYO

It was more like a wakeup call that I should definitely begin to move on. It just hit me that there's no point in holding on to something that's not only slowly slipping away but something that has never been on my hands in the first place. ACCEPTANCE is the key, things'll eventually be back to normal without him realizing that the past few weeks were eventful emotionally because of him. Now that it's quite clear that "WE cannot happen", I'm open to diverting my attention to someone else. Someone who's more willing. This time I'll be smarter, and more protective of myself.

Off to more interesting and lighter things... this morning, I wasn't able to contain my infatuation that while having a yosi break with Lew, I without warning, blurted out... "Sobrang cute talaga ni Peter Pan no?!" He gave me a "kadiri-to-death" look, said something unbelievably incriminating and violently protested that I shouldn't talk to him about these things because it was too much for his "MACHO ego". Fine. But I will continue announcing that I CRUSH HIM. hehe.

To more kababawan stuff, my two "alagas" slash studdy buddies made me believe in "LOVE" again. I'm so happy for them, I know "it" when i see it. Like what I said to my guy alaga, "MOVE IT! Don't let love pass you by."

Starbucks has become my little Neverland, fine, including Good Earth.

I have a new crush. Sabi nga ni John Cage sa Ally Mc Beal, "I'm Drawn to him."

EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE

Don't you get it, John, I think I crave some kind of dependency and that makes me feel like a failure as a woman ! - Ally Mc Beal

It rarely gets admitted by independent women, but we in different moments [i.e. thirdwheeling, listening to a love song, watching a sappy flick] long for emotional dependence once in a while. Sometimes, it's really nice to be fragile just to we'll feel that someone is willing to be strong for us. It's true that dependence is a sign of weakness but I guess we want to be weak once in a while, to be babied and to be treated as the "weaker sex" not because we like being looked down upon but because women are so manipulative and the only way for men [who most of the time are insensitive] to step up is by us acting as damsels in distress.

Emotional dependence is a coping mechanism for us to not feel disappointed.

I miss emotional dependence, i miss being weak because I know that someone's going to hug me, hold my hand, or make a funny face for me to make me realize that things are gonna be better, that they'll fall into their proper places, in the future. I miss doing silly things with someone willing to be silly with me, I miss being woken up by a mushy good morning call from someone who just wants me to wake up being cheered up by him. I miss being held, being whispered to, being surprised with sudden moments of sappiness. I miss receiving love letters, flowers, going to dinner, having coffee, having deep conversations involving dreams and plans in the future. I miss waking up with a smile, reminded of how he kissed me goodnight the last time. I miss being called sweetie, angel, baby, cupcake and anything that only a person in love can even bear to utter.

I miss emotional dependence.

ELECTIONS and IMPERFECTIONS

It was bound to be personal, but it was not supposed to be dirty.

This year's Student Council Election is amazingly interesting with a lot of human drama and side shows. I was talking to Dennis the other night and we got into a discussion about judging and personal attacks. He said that we are in fact supposed to know these details regarding the candidates, it is for the voters to decide who to vote for and which facts are to be taken into consideration. It's a part of reality, we are all judgmental, we judge people by the things we know and find out about them and even if sometimes we don't want to be influenced by the unimportant information that we are offered with, we still get affected, whether we like it or not. For me, elections shouldn't destroy friendships, working relationships and shouldn't tamper with a person's reputation... it shouldn't be a means to creating animosity amongst people who can possibly coexist peacefully.

We cannot discount the fact that it is a competition, but competitions need not be dirty. If the elections will leave the studentry divided and broken, then it will not serve its very purpose. Elections are supposed to unify us, not disconnect us into apathy, once again.

... at ako.

Sana.

Kung alam mo lang kung gaano kahaba ang oras na ginugugol ko sa pag-iisip sa'yo, tatanungin mo rin ako kung paano ko nagagawang tapusin ang mga bagay na kailangan ko gawin. Sa mga panahon na nakikita ko ang sarili kong tulala, malalim na iniintindi kung bakit sa dinami-rami ng mga pangyayari na pwede ko pagtuunan ng pansin ay tanging ikaw ang pumupuno sa utak kong tuliro. Wala akong ibang pinipiling gawin kundi ngumiti na lamang, kalakip ang pag-asa na kahit kalahati lamang ay mapatulala ka din.

Sa pag-aanalisa ng bawat minuto na nariyan ka, sa pagbabalik-tanaw sa mga masasayang sandali na lingid sa iyong kaalaman ay nakapagpatibok ng aking pusong muntik nang tumigil nang dahil sa kalungkutan... walang ibang masambit kundi salita ng pasasalamat.

Hindi lingid sa mababaw at mapusok na kaalaman ng aking pagkatao na maaring ni minsan ay hindi sumagi sa iyong isipan kung gaano kalalim ang sugat na iniwan ng pana ni Kupido sa aking puso. Sa bawat araw na nagdaraan ay nananatili lamang akong isang pamilyar na mukhang dumadaan sa iyong magulong mundo.

Ngunit pinili kita, pinili ko ito sa lahat ng alternatibong sitwasyon na maaring ilagay ko ang aking sarili. Pinili kong tahakin ang landas na puno ng tinik sa halip na mga rosas sapagkat alam kong may posibilidad na ang naghihintay sa dulo nito ay ikaw.

Pinili kita... at ako... Sana, kung di man sa kasalukuyan ay piliin mo din, sa hinaharap gaano man kalapit o kalayo.

Hindi ako habambuhay na maghihintay, ngunit matagal pa bago ako'y tuluyang sumuko, bago ikaw ay aking isuko. Kasingtagal pa ng oras na gugugulin ng aking nananaghoy na puso para matutunan nitong tapusin ang pagtibok na sa ngayon ay nakasalalay... SA IYO.