EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE

Don't you get it, John, I think I crave some kind of dependency and that makes me feel like a failure as a woman ! - Ally Mc Beal

It rarely gets admitted by independent women, but we in different moments [i.e. thirdwheeling, listening to a love song, watching a sappy flick] long for emotional dependence once in a while. Sometimes, it's really nice to be fragile just to we'll feel that someone is willing to be strong for us. It's true that dependence is a sign of weakness but I guess we want to be weak once in a while, to be babied and to be treated as the "weaker sex" not because we like being looked down upon but because women are so manipulative and the only way for men [who most of the time are insensitive] to step up is by us acting as damsels in distress.

Emotional dependence is a coping mechanism for us to not feel disappointed.

I miss emotional dependence, i miss being weak because I know that someone's going to hug me, hold my hand, or make a funny face for me to make me realize that things are gonna be better, that they'll fall into their proper places, in the future. I miss doing silly things with someone willing to be silly with me, I miss being woken up by a mushy good morning call from someone who just wants me to wake up being cheered up by him. I miss being held, being whispered to, being surprised with sudden moments of sappiness. I miss receiving love letters, flowers, going to dinner, having coffee, having deep conversations involving dreams and plans in the future. I miss waking up with a smile, reminded of how he kissed me goodnight the last time. I miss being called sweetie, angel, baby, cupcake and anything that only a person in love can even bear to utter.

I miss emotional dependence.

ELECTIONS and IMPERFECTIONS

It was bound to be personal, but it was not supposed to be dirty.

This year's Student Council Election is amazingly interesting with a lot of human drama and side shows. I was talking to Dennis the other night and we got into a discussion about judging and personal attacks. He said that we are in fact supposed to know these details regarding the candidates, it is for the voters to decide who to vote for and which facts are to be taken into consideration. It's a part of reality, we are all judgmental, we judge people by the things we know and find out about them and even if sometimes we don't want to be influenced by the unimportant information that we are offered with, we still get affected, whether we like it or not. For me, elections shouldn't destroy friendships, working relationships and shouldn't tamper with a person's reputation... it shouldn't be a means to creating animosity amongst people who can possibly coexist peacefully.

We cannot discount the fact that it is a competition, but competitions need not be dirty. If the elections will leave the studentry divided and broken, then it will not serve its very purpose. Elections are supposed to unify us, not disconnect us into apathy, once again.

... at ako.

Sana.

Kung alam mo lang kung gaano kahaba ang oras na ginugugol ko sa pag-iisip sa'yo, tatanungin mo rin ako kung paano ko nagagawang tapusin ang mga bagay na kailangan ko gawin. Sa mga panahon na nakikita ko ang sarili kong tulala, malalim na iniintindi kung bakit sa dinami-rami ng mga pangyayari na pwede ko pagtuunan ng pansin ay tanging ikaw ang pumupuno sa utak kong tuliro. Wala akong ibang pinipiling gawin kundi ngumiti na lamang, kalakip ang pag-asa na kahit kalahati lamang ay mapatulala ka din.

Sa pag-aanalisa ng bawat minuto na nariyan ka, sa pagbabalik-tanaw sa mga masasayang sandali na lingid sa iyong kaalaman ay nakapagpatibok ng aking pusong muntik nang tumigil nang dahil sa kalungkutan... walang ibang masambit kundi salita ng pasasalamat.

Hindi lingid sa mababaw at mapusok na kaalaman ng aking pagkatao na maaring ni minsan ay hindi sumagi sa iyong isipan kung gaano kalalim ang sugat na iniwan ng pana ni Kupido sa aking puso. Sa bawat araw na nagdaraan ay nananatili lamang akong isang pamilyar na mukhang dumadaan sa iyong magulong mundo.

Ngunit pinili kita, pinili ko ito sa lahat ng alternatibong sitwasyon na maaring ilagay ko ang aking sarili. Pinili kong tahakin ang landas na puno ng tinik sa halip na mga rosas sapagkat alam kong may posibilidad na ang naghihintay sa dulo nito ay ikaw.

Pinili kita... at ako... Sana, kung di man sa kasalukuyan ay piliin mo din, sa hinaharap gaano man kalapit o kalayo.

Hindi ako habambuhay na maghihintay, ngunit matagal pa bago ako'y tuluyang sumuko, bago ikaw ay aking isuko. Kasingtagal pa ng oras na gugugulin ng aking nananaghoy na puso para matutunan nitong tapusin ang pagtibok na sa ngayon ay nakasalalay... SA IYO.

Random Moments in Pixels

a glimpse of hope

brown eyes from new contacts

before hosting Mr. Law School

before ROCKIN' IT OUT at the UP Fair

the butterfly tattoo i got from the Fair.. taking UP with me.

un na.

I Was Kidnapped

... last Saturday, I was resolved to studying for Election Law when I got a text message from cutie Miko Lo [ehem] inviting me to watch the women's backetball game. I said I'm going if Patty was game. Patty was game. So there.

Thanks to Patring, I had dinner at Goodah with a fart-inducing funny group composed of Patring, Mike Lo, Peewee, Patty and myself. Laughtrip night.

GANUN PALA HA!

Dear Eunice Zuleika,
Here is your horoscope
for Monday, February 19:

Fresh starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality.

Anyway, I panicked just a few minutes ago because some unknown entry was posted in my MULTIPLY site. I readily assumed that someone hacked my account so I changed my password to something really interesting [name of the guy I am currently "obsessed" with] . Un pala, my friend AM, whose blog I am a "member" of, posted the "This SUCKS" entry and it got cross-posted to my MULTIPLY ACCOUNT. Akala ko may adverse party na ako e. Buti na lang. hehe.

Btw, my eyes are naturally brown, i just sort of enhanced it and ended my "BULAG SESSIONS" by buying myself brown contacts. Yihee, feeling hot ako today. =P Feeling foreigner with the song BROWN EYES playing on the background.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog, to my new readers, welcome. Ok na ako ulit, nagtatagalog na e. Ibig sabihin I'm not "lasing sa pag-ibig" anymore.

Damn. Is that even a good thing?

ILLOGICAL

Sometimes I think of you, sometimes I don't.
Not because I have forgotten but because
I, at times, cannot pinpoint where the line is.
I know that in those moments that I don't
get reminded of the YOU that exist, I unconsciously
still hold on to thoughts of you, which by now,
already are parts of me.

The only thing I lost is total dependence.
I have decided to take control of my emotions
and live my life just like I used to.
This is with hope that I was THAT side of me
that you have fallen for, or at least got comfortable with.
I will be responsible for what I will become until
you realize that you want to be a part of me too.

I won't wear my shades anymore, I am through with being afraid.
I know that you know, or barely feel and understand.
We never talk about it, we never go that way.
Maybe we're just not ready, YOU'RE not ready.
For me, it's not a question of WHEN anymore but of HOW.
It's not a confusion of WHAT we have but of WHY.
It's not a question of LOGIC but of something ILLOGICAL.

INNOCENCE

How do you capture innocence?
Through a stroke of color on paper.
How do you capture innocence?
through a helpless cry of a sweet child.
How do you capture innocence?
Through the eyes of an oblivious kid at work.
How do you capture innocence?
Through a baby's incoherent giggle.
How do you capture innocence?
Why would you want to capture something that's beautifuly free?
------------
The Purple Poem

----------------
written Oct. 11, 2006

OK

It's definitely harder to let someone go when he's just there. Just when I'm ready to turn around and start living a normal life again, one word from him and my weak wall begin to crumble. The thought of spending yet another forbidden time with him, I must admit, made me hurry to our little sanctuary. Then it didn't push through. All I said was OK. It's symbolic really. OK means a lot of things. OK means, I'm trying so fucking hard to be OK again. OK means, if you tell me to stay, I will. OK means, I'm gonna be fine without you, if only you'll let me. OK means I'm NOT OK now. OK means, please stop hurting me. OK means OVERKILL.

Thanks to a friend of mine, another window has opened. At the back of my mind, I know that it's not over yet. That there is a possibility that I'll be sad again. But the optimistic me would like to think that I can at least hold on to the happy feeling of the many possibilities that this scenario is bringing with it. The girls and I got into a conversation at Gloria Jeans about how a lot of things happen for a reason. One said that I could have just moved on, after crying about him and accepting the fact that I may have pushed him away. I could've just not gotten the news, I could've believed that it finally is over but in some twist of peculiar fate, I did find out. All I was able to come up with was, "Lord, tama na po ang laro!... please." It's hard but this time, I find it more practical to hold back. To protect myself a bit and not give all that I have so I would still be in the position to move on if things don't go the way I want it to go.

It's a POKER GAME, I won't say pass but I'll win my way by being stonecold. POKER-FACED and strong... at least on the outside.

Letter of Love #4

Hey,

Valentine's Day is over and I surprisingly didn't feel tha bad. I wonder how you spent your day. I have a lot of plans for our first Valentine's Day you know, the plan's to be spontaneous. I have a lot of things in mind, like how I'll surprise you with poems made for you, of how we'll spend it as laidback as possible... perhaps at your or my garden / backyard, talking about how greener the grass looks now that we're together. It may possibly be the first Valentine's day that I won't be drinking because just being with you is more than intoxicating. I want to be able to feel every little natural reaction that my body will do when I'm beside you. Our Valentine's day may even start with us hearing Mass because the feeling of gratitude will overwhelm me, us. I might even cry for the overflow of positive emotions within me. I imagine you to be sweeping the strands of hair away from my face so we can properly look into each other's eyes, with the "teary-eyed, trembling in anticipation of our life together" me, looking forward to a whole new road ahead of us.

Valentine's Day will never be the same again. It will remind us of the countless Valentine's Days that we had to spend apart.

Yesterday, while I was walking alone, I closed my fist just so I can imagine your fingers entwined into mine. It's kind of stupid, I know... but in the same way that I'm human, I have my days of loneliness, some deeper than the others.

I hold on to your own loneliness. JOINT LONELINESS is definitely better than one... I guess. It's ok to be lonely, you just have to remembe that you are being lonely... WITH ME.

I'm On a Row... and a Column.

SWEET THANGS!!

Patty: Vic asked me to tell you that he's a fan of your hosting.
Carlo: Happy Valentine's Day! =) Euns, di mo kailangan malungkot, maraming humahanga sa'yo.
Cris: [after we just got introduced last night] You were so funny last night.
RC: Akala ko nanonood ako ng WOwowee e, parang si Janelle e. [im not sure kung good thing ba un o bad thing, pero iisipin ko na lang he meant well]
Ace: Matagal ka na ba nagho-host? Parang sanay na sanay ka na kasi e. Galing.

At sa maraming maraming taong pinaramdam sakin na they appreciate me. Thank you.