Torn

I'd like to think that I'm confused right now, that I'm torn between staying and moving on to a new adventure. I think I'm better off torn than decided because when I have decided, it will mean that there's no turning back. It will mean that no matter what my fate will be, I will be stuck and I will have to stand by it, no matter how painful, emotionally taxing and unruly it will get. That I can handle... losing everything that we used to have, I can't.

I'm here again, that LIMBO that I try not to get caught into. The PURGATORY between heaven and hell. I see previews of both worlds each day that I refuse to make a decision. I'm afraid that my judgment and that of my friends are clouded. I want it to be a happy ending, and my friends want me to get the ending that I want... but what if for him, everyday's just the same. What if today for him is the same as yesterday?

There's a thin line between illusion and reality. I am building a wall so I could cushion my collision. He sometimes makes me happy, he most of the time disorients me... but every single time, I get closer and closer to wanting him, to holding his hand and to have him put his arm around me.

I cannot afford to lack focus again, but I cannot afford to lack his existence either. Where do I stand?

Watch Me

I look at him because you don't want me to look at you.
I don't know what you want, and what I want doesn't matter.
The good cancels the bad but the bad cheats its way to winning.
When you lean towards me, I find myself leaning back, like instinct.
It is beyond instinct, it is beyond logic, but there's nothing beyond it.

I steal glances so I can picture you while I'm looking away.
You never catch me staring because I don't have to.
I have your face stamped on everything around me, on leaves, on smoke, on infinity.
I value your silence because it is when I feel that you're really with me.
It is when you're here that I feel you're at the greatest distance.

I look at him because you don't want me to look at you.
It's enough that you're watching when I turn around.

Melodie has finally fallen...

...LITERALLY.

I swear, I felt like I was choking because of how funny the whole situation was. Anyone who's a regular at Starbucks near Ateneo Law knows that there is a "dangerous" part outside. That part where your chair's feet may get stuck causing your COMMUNING WITH NATURE [borrowed from Rach].

How did it exactly happen? We were sort of having querida conversations, singing along to some emo music when we suddenly realized that Mel disappeared. No startling sound, no fair warning... she was there, lying on what used to be a beautifully-landscaped spot. A garden's worst nightmare, quoting Ces. We were so shocked that we didnt react for at least 5 seconds. We looked and froze until Rach asked Mel, "Oh my God, are you ok?" Mel said, "No!!! I can't move!" Then, we got out of our temporary coma and adrenaline paved its way to our veins. We ran towards her and tried to help her get up. What made the situation worse was the fact that all of us were dying of laughter, of humiliation and of disbelief.

We laughed for at least 2 hours after the incident and continued to be distracted everytime we get reminded of what transpired. Everyone in Starbucks knew of the incident, even the baristas who were on duty. That spot will forever be the spot who made MEL COMMUNE WITH NATURE.

Now, everytime anyone tries to sit on that spot, we warn them of the risk that they're taking for choosing to be there.

Laughtrip.

Last Minute Churva

I know I'm sort of hyper-blogging. This may be attributed to the fact that in a few hours, It's over. FINALLY. I ain't reviewing anymore not because I am ready for the exam but because I think I lost the battle to LAZYlandia. I lost my newly-bought pack of cig a few minutes after I smoked my first two sticks. It's frustrating. Seriously.

Off to more important matters, I think I'm more scared now than before because the end of Midterms week is also the start of the Valentine's Season. And I am aware of the fact that my blog entries have been religiously in line with this theme, of Churva. I just got into thinking of what we talked about last night, of the obvious leaning of my now irrational mind towards expecting. I hate it. Nope, I don't hate them [or Him, definitely not HIM] but I just hate it that I'm in this limbo again. I was ok you know, I was doing great not expecting that things will change in my life, between us, between what I have and DON'T HAVE. I don't blame him for suddenly existing again, I just hate myself for singling him out at this peculiar time. I mean, I am ok with a lot of Churva's at a time. I'm ok with having my own li'l version of romantic LOST BOYS who are there in Neverland, it's just that right now... I think I have made a choice... or at least am ready to make a choice. I know who and what i want. No matter how complicated, how forbidden and how hopeless. Not really hopeless, just sort of not feasible.

I'll be drinking again tonight, I'll try to wash away all these midterm-invoked confusion and shake it off. I'm gonna try [desperately] to go back to where we, uhmm, there's no WE so where I started. I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a bloody process.

Still, I'm happy for my girlfriends [whom I subjected to incrimination due to my BLIND ITEM-ish recent entry]. I am happy for me for sort of stepping up. I don't think he's happy right now. And that stained what could've been a clear as white start of my February. I pray that we all be happy, or at least contented... or at least peaceful.

I need to say sorry to you who's willing to be there but whom I didnt give the chance to be. I know you don't read my blog, but if because of some freak of nature you are able to read this, I'm sorry that I'm not the churva that you expect me to be.

I am saying sorry to Mr. Complicated. Just because I'm dragging you into this whole fiasco of complications without clearing things up first and without verifying if you, even in the smallest of chances, want to be dragged into it. The Peter Pan entry was in fact written for you and not for Peter Pan. It's just that Peter Pan is the only concrete and appropriate name that I can think of because you make me think of happy thoughts too.

I'm off to my last exam for the Midterms. Tonight, let's hope that I won't be too wasted to remember.

Embodiment of Stress

taken by Ana Diaz

Last Hurrah..

"I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what WE DON'T HAVE. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing... But the truth is: To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

What is a "last day of Midterms" entry without ranting? It's really been a tiring week and the manifestations are quickly emerging. Take the case of my favorite person in the whole wide galaxy, MYSELF. I went home last night from an "attempt" to study Legal Ethics and my brother opened the door for me. He looked at me with a mocking smile and insensitively remarked, "Ate, para kang nagd-drugs. Uminom ka ba? Bakit ganyan ang mata mo, red na red? At yang eyebags mo, parang six layers na yan a." Wow, what a way to boost my already zero self esteem.

Anyway, I refuse to be disheartened. Sabi nga ni Patty, look at the good/ happy things that are happening and don't dwell on the panaka-nakang "sad parts". That's the best atttitude, but when these "few sad moments" parade themselves in front of you with a full band and really colorful costumes, you can't help but notice diba?

Enjoy it while it lasts, That's everyone's mantra this Midterms week, because after the show, there really is no assurance that history will repeat itself. A lot of other factors will be CONSIDERED and a lot of "there's no turning back" decisions will have to be made. Reality will once again sink in and the things that made you smile... you have to hold on to them and make the memories as vivid as they can get, inside your head and ok, your heart. You never know, these might be the only things that will make you look forward to still surviving. Or to at least believing that once in your life, things worked.

I'm sort of happy right now. With no assurance that I'll be happy ever after. I couldn't care less actually. Whatever works, i'll be more than happy to accept.

Let's do the Math.

The number of things that I don't [can't] tell you is directly proportional to the number of things that you don't [and refuse to] tell me.

The number of times that i think of you is inversely proportional to the number of times that i feel sad.

The intensity of my confusion is infinitely rising.

The length of time that I spend with you is inversely proportional to my sanity.

if I am an equation i am the square root of 1. Just because in your world, I'm same old Eunice. Square root man o hindi.

---------------
Thank you.

Just because I want to prove that you're cornier.

Me: Tapos ka na ba mag-MIDTERMS, ako naman sagutin mo.
Him: Tapos na ko midterms, e kaw? Ako naman ang pagpuyatan mo.

What do you guys think?

Lonely Afternoon

Listen to the song

An old man walks along the path, it isn't raining anymore.
The hotel sign reflects upon a lorry parked below.
A kid goes walking home from school, and stands there at the door.
Behind the windows people sit waiting for the bus to go.

Another long, lonely afternoon away from you,
And a long, dark, lonely night ahead.
It's been a long, lonely afternoon here on my own,
Such a long, dark, lonely night ahead.

The heavy clouds are forming for another dark and rainy night.
A woman hurries home before the storm begins to break.
And as she turns to cross the street, waiting for the walking light,
She glances quickly at her watch, hoping that she won't be late.

Another long, lonely afternoon away from you,
And a long, dark, lonely night ahead.
It's been a long, lonely afternoon here on my own,
Such a long, dark, lonely night ahead.

-----
one last hirit before i go back to studying CORP...

Peter Pan

The story of the distracted and destructive woman begins. Amidst the soothing wind that touches her hair that's framing her tired-looking face, she looks at the cars that are passing her by. While listening to what seems like the african beat of voices that drowns her much needed silence, the wind comes. Smile. She likes the wind.

The wind reminds her of him, of how he can instantly make her smile while making a mess out of her carefully organized desk. The wind insensitively sweeps off everything on her table of solitude with that romantic glamour that makes her feel special and loved. She used to not mind the wind, she knew that it comes and goes unapologetically while she is left trying to reorganize what's left of her organized life. She just got out of a storm and at the back of her mind, she's baffled by the presence of a synonymous fate that's waiting for her.

The story of the distracted and destructive woman begins and the end is not so near....

Tinkerbell

Sometimes, you feel like that thing you've always wanted is right in front of you, you recognize it, you feel happy, excited and contented. But you suddenly realize that you can't have it... It's the saddest feeling, it's the most painful thing. You smile knowing what you want, but you cry alone knowing its impossibility. You get into thinking of whether you're better off not knowing that he exists. You hate yourself for feeling regret about something that simultaneously brings you to heaven and hell. You are faced with the dilemma of letting the days pass you by just craving or of moving on to chasing a new rainbow. You feel confusion, you start to write to clear your head...

You start to write to analyze your emotions. You are hit with the reality that the one thing you're scared of is back and suddenly... you start to FEEL again.