Last Minute Churva

I know I'm sort of hyper-blogging. This may be attributed to the fact that in a few hours, It's over. FINALLY. I ain't reviewing anymore not because I am ready for the exam but because I think I lost the battle to LAZYlandia. I lost my newly-bought pack of cig a few minutes after I smoked my first two sticks. It's frustrating. Seriously.

Off to more important matters, I think I'm more scared now than before because the end of Midterms week is also the start of the Valentine's Season. And I am aware of the fact that my blog entries have been religiously in line with this theme, of Churva. I just got into thinking of what we talked about last night, of the obvious leaning of my now irrational mind towards expecting. I hate it. Nope, I don't hate them [or Him, definitely not HIM] but I just hate it that I'm in this limbo again. I was ok you know, I was doing great not expecting that things will change in my life, between us, between what I have and DON'T HAVE. I don't blame him for suddenly existing again, I just hate myself for singling him out at this peculiar time. I mean, I am ok with a lot of Churva's at a time. I'm ok with having my own li'l version of romantic LOST BOYS who are there in Neverland, it's just that right now... I think I have made a choice... or at least am ready to make a choice. I know who and what i want. No matter how complicated, how forbidden and how hopeless. Not really hopeless, just sort of not feasible.

I'll be drinking again tonight, I'll try to wash away all these midterm-invoked confusion and shake it off. I'm gonna try [desperately] to go back to where we, uhmm, there's no WE so where I started. I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a bloody process.

Still, I'm happy for my girlfriends [whom I subjected to incrimination due to my BLIND ITEM-ish recent entry]. I am happy for me for sort of stepping up. I don't think he's happy right now. And that stained what could've been a clear as white start of my February. I pray that we all be happy, or at least contented... or at least peaceful.

I need to say sorry to you who's willing to be there but whom I didnt give the chance to be. I know you don't read my blog, but if because of some freak of nature you are able to read this, I'm sorry that I'm not the churva that you expect me to be.

I am saying sorry to Mr. Complicated. Just because I'm dragging you into this whole fiasco of complications without clearing things up first and without verifying if you, even in the smallest of chances, want to be dragged into it. The Peter Pan entry was in fact written for you and not for Peter Pan. It's just that Peter Pan is the only concrete and appropriate name that I can think of because you make me think of happy thoughts too.

I'm off to my last exam for the Midterms. Tonight, let's hope that I won't be too wasted to remember.