Eunice, you should stop! You've been drinking again. You started smoking. You stopped being the fun-loving person that you are. You are not getting enough sleep. You cry in the shower, in your room ... anywhere you get the chance. You often find yourself looking at emptiness, preoccupied with thoughts of regret, longing and even confusion. You try too hard to conceal that you have problems and you are not succeeding in your plan of not being noticed by the people around you. Stop being such a Drama queen. YOU SHOULD STOP.
---------------
I went to the chapel this afternoon and found myself crying in front of the altar. "Lord, give me the right answers to the right questions." I surrendered everything to Him. I cannot continue to feel sorry for myself. I should stop.
---------------
I've been crying the whole week. Not to mention all the booboos that I committed. Everyone's asking me if i am ok. I feel like there's a LOSER sign on my forehead.
---------------
I'm still optimistic. This too shall pass. After all, I'm not called Miss Ever Optimist for nothing.
Prime.
We literally ran from Ateneo to Powerplant because we had to catch the 2:45 screening of Prime. Our class was from 1-3pm... We looked really funny, t'was like a scene from Amazing race.
"Go, go, go!"
"I Love you... and i will figure it out."
I nearly fainted in nausea when I heard Dave say that "though I'm new at this and that I'm still trying to know my way around relationships... I love you and I will figure it out." I wanna be able to figure it out. There are a lot of things that I dont understand, and maybe I will never understand them. Still, my journey to figuring it out continues.
Some stories are meant to end on a sad note. In fact, most of our stories will not end the way we would want it to end. And when finally the ending that we've been waiting for comes, that's when we will start appreciating all our Almost Love Stories.
"Go, go, go!"
Universal says:The film was depressing. There were a lot of times when I almost cried. There were a lot of things that reminded me of my past. They were so similar that I felt like it was the film's way of mocking me. I could relate to Rafi when she encouraged Dave to believe in his talents and to stop from feeling like he's not enough. I could relate to her pushing Dave to be the best that he can be for himself.
"Prime" is a sophisticated, character comedy set in New York City about Rafi (Uma Thurman), a recently divorced 37-year-old career woman from Manhattan, and what happens when Dave (Bryan Greenberg), a talented 23-year-old painter from Brooklyn, falls in love with her. "Prime" looks at love from everyone's point of view -- friends, relatives and in this case, Rafi's therapist (Meryl Streep) -- and follows all who come apart, and some who pull it together, when two people fall in love.
"I Love you... and i will figure it out."
I nearly fainted in nausea when I heard Dave say that "though I'm new at this and that I'm still trying to know my way around relationships... I love you and I will figure it out." I wanna be able to figure it out. There are a lot of things that I dont understand, and maybe I will never understand them. Still, my journey to figuring it out continues.
Dave: [lying in bed, making love] I want to make a baby with you.Totally heart-wrenching. They didnt end up together. I think the ending was perfect. Sad but appropriate. The last scene was when they bumped into each other a year later... They looked at each other and in both their eyes, there was acceptance that their story's finished. Finality. Sighs.
Rafi:I can't. I can't do this to you. You don't want to.
Dave: You want to. It's what you want so I want it.
Rafi: But you don't. You would regret it.
Dave: I want to give you this gift.
Rafi: I know. And it's the sweetest gift anyone has every given me. The fact that you are willing to do this for me shows how deep your love goes. That's the gift I'm taking from you instead.
"Sometimes we love, we learn and we move on."
Some stories are meant to end on a sad note. In fact, most of our stories will not end the way we would want it to end. And when finally the ending that we've been waiting for comes, that's when we will start appreciating all our Almost Love Stories.
Sino Ka?
We had a hulaan session last night. Apparently, my cards say that Im mutually in love with someone. I love him, he loves me back. Good. The love is more on my side, therefore I'm loving him more. Fair enough. He will be more successful than me (?) . Better. I'm gonna do all the loving while he will lavish me with extravagant gifts. Evil laugh. APPARENTLY, there is a minor glitch. A "REALLY MINOR" hindrance to our love story. Now it's getting more realistic. Judging from experience, you can never understimate a "really minor" glitch. In the end, I was told that my cards are soooo lucky because almost all of 'em are RED. Red is a lucky color. Argh. Ok na sana, pero ang tanong... SINO KANG MINAMAHAL KO AT NAGMAMAHAL DIN SA AKIN? Magpapasko nanaman, step up! Haha.
Ano ang sign na walang gagawin for class the next day? Makikita mo kami na mga kagalang-galang na law students sa Starbucks, di nag-aaral.. naglalaro ng Killer Killer. Ano ang mas masaklap dun? Pag kasali ka sa Killer Killer tapos ikaw lang un naghihintay ng kamatayan mo sa pamamagitan ng kindat nun Killer. Ayun.
How Apt.
Horoscope for the day:
Dwelling on the good times in your past will keep you from creating new ones.
You're fully prepared to assume the consequences of talking about that secret subject you've been trying to hide for far too long. But before you open up and let the world know what's on your mind, be sure that you won't be betraying a friend's confidence. You know how seriously you take the issue of loyalty? Well, the folks you've become close with feel the same way. It's not surprising, either. After all, you trained them
You can try doing the same old stuff with the same old people, but the stars have something else in mind. Why not do your part and break out of your routine to check out what could be a lot more thrilling?
I WAS drunk... and that made it easier.
I was right all along. My intuition was right. I should've listened to myself but I didnt. Story of my life. I'm still smiling.
I went home around 4am and I know i posted a feel-good entry. That WAS what I was feeling. I felt free, sure and happy that things are clearer. Now, 4 hours later I realized that there still are a lot of questions that are going through my mind. I am not feeling hatred, I can never find it in my heart to feel that. I guess this is just one of those days that you dread waking up not only because you know you'll have a hangover but also because waking up means being reminded that something DID happen and that things will never be the same again. It's one of those days where as much as I wanna go back to sleep, I could not really force myself to stop thinking and to stop analyzing what just transpired.
It rained last night. The clouds cried the tears that I wasnt able to shed. There was finality in everything. It is the same finality that I was trying to avoid for days because I hate it when I have to be strong again for myself and for other people. It's not true that I merely laughed it off. It was hard for me too. But the difference between me and him is that I try to be happy and to find the reason behind everything to at least mitigate the pain.
I wanted to hug him longer and to tell him that things will be alright. I just dont know if I believe that myself. I nearly broke down when he slightly held my hand while I was giving him a tap on the back. It was like I got a glimpse of something that I couldnt have. I still thank him for the good times. Yes, there were good times. I'm sorry if I may have hurt him with the things that i said. I'm human too but I did promise him that we will still be friends and I am keeping that promise. Now I know why I couldnt hug him longer... Being close to him is just like being close to fire.
Until now, I still do not understand why God once again had to put me through this. I know He will reveal his plan at the right time. I will just follow what my friends told me, "Charge it to experience". Lord, parang mejo fully-charged na ang aking experience battery ah.
I wish I could go back to sleep and dream my way to happiness. I can't. The pain's unbelievably deep. Deeper than the last time. This is rock bottom. I just know. I will go up. I will go up. I will go up. Or maybe I'll just lie on rock bottom and wait for it to tranform into a mountain. It's gonna be a long process... a long process.
I went home around 4am and I know i posted a feel-good entry. That WAS what I was feeling. I felt free, sure and happy that things are clearer. Now, 4 hours later I realized that there still are a lot of questions that are going through my mind. I am not feeling hatred, I can never find it in my heart to feel that. I guess this is just one of those days that you dread waking up not only because you know you'll have a hangover but also because waking up means being reminded that something DID happen and that things will never be the same again. It's one of those days where as much as I wanna go back to sleep, I could not really force myself to stop thinking and to stop analyzing what just transpired.
It rained last night. The clouds cried the tears that I wasnt able to shed. There was finality in everything. It is the same finality that I was trying to avoid for days because I hate it when I have to be strong again for myself and for other people. It's not true that I merely laughed it off. It was hard for me too. But the difference between me and him is that I try to be happy and to find the reason behind everything to at least mitigate the pain.
I wanted to hug him longer and to tell him that things will be alright. I just dont know if I believe that myself. I nearly broke down when he slightly held my hand while I was giving him a tap on the back. It was like I got a glimpse of something that I couldnt have. I still thank him for the good times. Yes, there were good times. I'm sorry if I may have hurt him with the things that i said. I'm human too but I did promise him that we will still be friends and I am keeping that promise. Now I know why I couldnt hug him longer... Being close to him is just like being close to fire.
Until now, I still do not understand why God once again had to put me through this. I know He will reveal his plan at the right time. I will just follow what my friends told me, "Charge it to experience". Lord, parang mejo fully-charged na ang aking experience battery ah.
I wish I could go back to sleep and dream my way to happiness. I can't. The pain's unbelievably deep. Deeper than the last time. This is rock bottom. I just know. I will go up. I will go up. I will go up. Or maybe I'll just lie on rock bottom and wait for it to tranform into a mountain. It's gonna be a long process... a long process.
All's Well That Ends Well.
'tis over. It is the beginning of better things for me. The smoke has been cleared and I'm happy. All we needed was to say it and to have faith in whatever we have. Ok na. Sana walang Legal Writing tomorrow.
Loose Screws
This is sooo ironic. Just when i'm admitting my fragility, i am faced with the fact that I can't be too fragile after all. At ito pa, a guy from my past texted me today. According to him, "we need to catch up" What am I gonna tell him?
"Sure. Well nothing really much has happened to me. I'm now in law school and I'm having a hard time. If you wanna know if I finally found someone who made me feel special, I'd say yes. A lot of 'em. But everything was short-lived. I am pretty much screwed up these past few days and this is the perfect time for us to catch up. That's beside the fact that i saw your picture and that you're hot and that you are not dating anyone right now. It will be like slapping my face for letting you go because I AM JUST ONE SCREWED UP woman who continues to be undecided. You are a great guy, really... but i just coyuldnt bare to meet up with you because you are perfect and i am far from it... very far from it. I've been depressed the whole week because I feel like nothing's falling into place. Oh and by the way, I think I like this guy who is not you and if we start dating now i'm afraid all you'll get are puffy eyes and glass-eyed looks and empty statements. No, i am not in love with him, i just think we have a chance and i dont want you to endure a conversation that will potentially be disastrous because i might cry in the process and i might all of a sudden decide to say yes to your proposal of dating again. Then it will start the whole process of me getting hurt again and that sucks. BIG TIME."
Pathetic.
"Sure. Well nothing really much has happened to me. I'm now in law school and I'm having a hard time. If you wanna know if I finally found someone who made me feel special, I'd say yes. A lot of 'em. But everything was short-lived. I am pretty much screwed up these past few days and this is the perfect time for us to catch up. That's beside the fact that i saw your picture and that you're hot and that you are not dating anyone right now. It will be like slapping my face for letting you go because I AM JUST ONE SCREWED UP woman who continues to be undecided. You are a great guy, really... but i just coyuldnt bare to meet up with you because you are perfect and i am far from it... very far from it. I've been depressed the whole week because I feel like nothing's falling into place. Oh and by the way, I think I like this guy who is not you and if we start dating now i'm afraid all you'll get are puffy eyes and glass-eyed looks and empty statements. No, i am not in love with him, i just think we have a chance and i dont want you to endure a conversation that will potentially be disastrous because i might cry in the process and i might all of a sudden decide to say yes to your proposal of dating again. Then it will start the whole process of me getting hurt again and that sucks. BIG TIME."
Pathetic.
Sound Trip
When it’s my moment in the sun
Oh, how beautiful I’ll be
But in a normal sort of way
Like I am you and you are me
Cause I have a lot of things to say
And you’d be wise to listen good
I think that hunger, war and death
Are bringing everybody down
When it’s my moment in the sun
I’ll share my problems with the world
And psychosomatically I’ll sing
To God and all his pretty girls
When it’s my moment in the sun
I won’t forget that I am blessed
But every hero walks alone
Thinking of more things to confess
----
from the TV Series Ed.
Your Favorite Music
Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
But you like it
Cause you feel special that way
You feel special
That you’re like no one else
You feel special
That you’re like no one else
But then you’re lonely
And you need someone to help
I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
But here’s a sad song
That I wrote for no one else
-----------------------------
Oh, how beautiful I’ll be
But in a normal sort of way
Like I am you and you are me
Cause I have a lot of things to say
And you’d be wise to listen good
I think that hunger, war and death
Are bringing everybody down
When it’s my moment in the sun
I’ll share my problems with the world
And psychosomatically I’ll sing
To God and all his pretty girls
When it’s my moment in the sun
I won’t forget that I am blessed
But every hero walks alone
Thinking of more things to confess
----
from the TV Series Ed.
Your Favorite Music
Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
But you like it
Cause you feel special that way
You feel special
That you’re like no one else
You feel special
That you’re like no one else
But then you’re lonely
And you need someone to help
I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
But here’s a sad song
That I wrote for no one else
-----------------------------
Ang Resbak
I'm thankful to Pepe for giving me and Kay a ride home. Isa syang sadista, he had to make me endure listening to "I Love You Goodbye" and "Cool WIth You" over and over again. Apparently, he thinks these are MY SONGS. Kay saklap. When I got home i saw his text message.
"Sorry. This is my way of helping you move on."
That was it, i stopped doing what i was doing and cried.
Thanks Mel for last night. I needed someone and you were more than willing to be there. To Duh Perm, dont worry... I'm a strong woman. I will survive this depression feat that I am having.
Unfair Ka.
Just when I thought things can't be worse, you had to say that. Do you feel vindication in my misery? I'm trying to recall all the smiles, the words that we uttered and everything that I thought we enjoyed... I cannot vividly remember them. I only remember the way I felt. I felt so sure that we had something going on. Thank you for making me feel that I fooled myself. and that I am a fool. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to because i dont know what to say. I am embarrassed by the fact that if they ask me how it happened, I cannot decently defend my decisions.
I cant believe I'm back here again. When you look at me, do you see that sad look in my eyes amidst my smile and my funny remarks? Do you sense how I try each time to not let you feel that it hurts me to see you?... you are a reminder of how I am a big failure in the aspects of my life that matter. Do you make fun of me because you enjoy it? Are you keeping me because I boost your ego? Do you even sense how hard I try to not look at you anymore because I'm afraid that you'll see all the emotions that i've been hiding?
YOU ARE UNFAIR. I shouldnt have let you in. I'm hitting rock bottom and sadly, you give me no choice but to dig deeper. You wanna know what the saddest part of it all is? I dont hate you.
I cant believe I'm back here again. When you look at me, do you see that sad look in my eyes amidst my smile and my funny remarks? Do you sense how I try each time to not let you feel that it hurts me to see you?... you are a reminder of how I am a big failure in the aspects of my life that matter. Do you make fun of me because you enjoy it? Are you keeping me because I boost your ego? Do you even sense how hard I try to not look at you anymore because I'm afraid that you'll see all the emotions that i've been hiding?
YOU ARE UNFAIR. I shouldnt have let you in. I'm hitting rock bottom and sadly, you give me no choice but to dig deeper. You wanna know what the saddest part of it all is? I dont hate you.
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