The BIG 23

This is long overdue, mainly because I turned 23 last May 14 and the only reason why this line of thinking was triggered is because Ces and I were talking about her very own "turning 23" moment that will happen on the 7th of July. The secondary reason was because my birthday seemed so small compared to the Elections which kind of drained the energy out of us to even speak of something outside of its realm. It's harsh really, especially when I am reminded of how close I am to the fulfillment of what i have dreamed of for myself and that in just a matter of time, I will find out if i have been chasing the wrong rainbow all my life.

My life's pretty stable and that's what scares me, it's usually a sign of something big that is possibly lurking and that will show its face when I am least prepared. It has always been hard for me to admit it but I am a scaredy cat. As much as i would like people to assume that I fear nothing, there are quite a number of things the scares me really... one of those things is failure. I am a sore loser, not because I blame the weakness of the opponent but because I am always hard on myself. I grew up relying on no one else but myself that it is very difficult if not unlikely of me to consider asking help from people or to even show signs of weakness. Masokistang mayabang.

Off to the more important and jologs part of my turning twenty three, when I was in my teens, i would dream of looking really goo when I turn 23... why? [drumroll please!] because 23 was Judy Ann's age, [i think] when she lost weight for that flick with Piolo involving boxing. I swore that if I want to find the Piolo Pascual of my life, I would have to start taking care of myself. Now at 23, I still am the same old Eunice, too busy or lazy to actually lose weight and too bankrupt to visit my dermatologist regularly. Sadness. I know it sounds superficial, but who wouldn't want to improve and be the best that she can be?

I was talking with Haze and Patring about how jologs my life has become because nothing has been happening and quite frankly, I am not exaggerating, besides the now routinary teasing about pseudo-love interests and my one sem-long ranting about a supposed Neverland, I am tired of playing games. [cue to play QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART]. I guess I really am beginning to be old. I cannot find it in my personality at present to really begin dating, the way I used to date people when I was in college. Also, I don't see myself dating someone younger simply because it's awkward. It's more like a preference now that I am sure I have matured a lot. Heck, I cannot even find it in my heart to crush on someone, I feel so uhmm.. RIGID.

I should be happy, in fact, I can honestly say that I am... but there are little things that are needed in my life to make me say that I feel complete. Sometimes, I feel empty, not knowing what my purpose is... Sometimes I feel low because I feel that people are finding it hard to take me seriously. It must be my destiny to make people laugh, and now that the joke is on me, I find it incredibly impossible to stop them from laughing. Fragile din naman ako paminsan-minsan, my closest friends can attest to the fact that there are times were I cry because of the smallest of things just because I feel the gravity of future situations. I am not afraid to cry, but I am afraid that when I am finally at ease with the idea of someone being strong for me and I finally let go... that person will leave me at my weakest.

I have survived a lot of things last year, it was a ride that had its highs and lows and just like Ally McBeal, the times where I was crying were in fact the times when I experienced happiness. ALthough they were fleeting, unsure and unstable... I found solace in the fact that there was a possibility. The what if's were so good that I forgot to rely on the sure things. I don't know if I can promise to not rely on mere possibilities now that I am a year older, but if there's one thing I really learned, it's the fact that my fairy tales are written by me and the "end" depends on how I handle things. Yes they may not be the endings that I hoped for or expected but I have control over my being... no matter how bad the situation may be I can choose to be strong and happy.

Lastly, turning 23 isn't a mere sign that I have become older and more mature, it's also a promise that on the 24th year on my life, my 23rd year might be "the year" that I find fulfillment. I want people to understand that I am not shallow, that I am not dumb and that if they only take me seriously they will realize that it is very hard to make people laugh, to make people feel good and to make people feel powerful over me. It takes a lot of humility and a lot of faith in the strength of the "me" that I have honed through the years. I am not the Eunice that some might envision me to be. There is definitely MORE to what a majority of these people think that they understand of me. I am complicated. The conclusion that you have figured me out will never be true because I,myself, haven't figured out who EUnice really is.

She constantly evolves, she constantly strives to become better and she constantly proves a point. Matalino din ako... Please don't underestimate me because I know when people do. It hurts me, deeply and badly when I am boxed into a definition that I never imagined myself to be defined with. I get hurt... I may not be as transparent as the people that you know but If you'll only take some time to really know me, maybe you'll find out that I am a treasure.

After 23 years, I am definitely better. More scarred, more bruised but more ready to learn and to love. Looking forward to my 24th... I know the good things are beginning to come.