Paano mo papatayin si Eunice?

Warning: This is not a feel good entry. Yes I am human and yes, I sometimes get hurt.

“Ako alam ko kung paano papatayin si Eunice, mansanas. Gagamit ka ng mansanas tapos ilalagay mo sa bibig nya.”

It was an unexpected banter and I obviously felt like I was back in high school. I felt like a loser, worse I felt like an unappreciated kid. I sometimes think of how people talk about me behind my back, I often wonder how people describe me when I can’t hear them and I think about the sincerity of people when they give me assuring compliments of how pleasant a person I am. I never fully believed them because at the back of my mind, I think of my imperfections… and these aren’t few. One of my biggest fears I have is that people don’t see the things that I have to offer because all they see is a funny fat woman. Not that it’s totally a bad thing, it’s just frustrating.

Tonight, I got reminded of that day when one of my classmates in high school called me “Baboy” and all I was able to do was silently cry in class. I got reminded of that day when I accidentally heard another guy schoolmate talking about me, saying…” Si Eunice? Ung baboy? Un matabang un?” and I had to run to the washroom to calm myself down because of embarrassment. I don’t hate them, I never did, and in fact these people are good friends of mine now… I easily forgive because I know that they didn’t mean to hurt me. But it’s too bad that I never forget. Not because of hatred for them but because these moments forever scarred me. I know I should lose weight; I get reminded every time I look at myself in the mirror. I live with myself you know. I’m never enough. I’m never complete until I lose these pounds I guess. Kung nakakapayatl lang sana ang pag-iyak.

I felt like a loser and unfortunately, even the most mouth-watering cake didn't do the trick. I still ate a few bites; it’s ironic that he tried to appease me by bribing me with a cake. He was right, he did kill me with that.