From POST SECRET

this is dedicated to myself.

to a friend who gave up on the Catholic Faith
to a friend who's havin a hard time with his life.

The Look of Bewilderment

"I noticed that most people get on rollercoasters in search of excitement but once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop. Do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, goin' round and 'round?"

----- Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

There are a lot of things that i do not comprehend in this life. One of which is that stage in a relationship where people are just in denial. When nobody acknowledges the truth that has to be faced despite the fact that it's staring straight at us, with its tongue stuck out and it's eyes widened in mockery. I do not understand why the two people who are willing and able to talk about that "thingamajiggie" with their friends, with anyone.. are not willing to talk about it with that other half of the dance. I do not understand the idea of making the other person feel bad by letting her know that in case she isnt available, there is an "other woman" who will take her place. I do not understand why we have to first inflict pain before we are able to inflict happiness.

I do not understand the concept of pretending. Well, maybe i do. I think we pretend all the time. We try to wear our masks as we go along our lives, as we interact with a lot of people and as we try so hard to live harmoniously with the idiosyncrasies of the world. We pretend to protect ourselves. It's an act of selfishness. Do we have the right to compel other people to pretend for us? Is it fair to ask of someone to pretend because we feel it's the best thing to do? I dont really know. I guess it's not about being fair, but it's about finding the perfect way to preserve that seed of potential that's already been planted but is not watered and taken cared of.

I do not understand the concept of being there all the time only to stop existing after things are sort of going great. I do not understand this whole game. There might be a lot of things that i dont understand, but if there's one thing i understand, it is this... i'm not giving you up, YET. I do want you to be out there, to be happy again, to go up, to achieve your dreams, to believe more in yourself. I want you to soar, with or without me. I want you to start burning again, not for anyone else but for yourself. I guess i dont know you that well, YET. I am trying to find my way to knowin you, but i need you to help me, to guide me through the whole process because i cannot finish your sentences for you all the time. This is complicated but what isnt complicated in this life right?

Mediocrity

"I keep us in the present and you look out for the future."
-- Scrubs

It's funny how women spend their time fantasizing err, agonizing about what "the future" will be for their relationships when men, only think of it (generally) one date at a time. I think it's better to be not too paranoid about it because happiness passes you by when you over-analyze things. Women,i believe, are more prone to planning ahead especially because it's women who become more emotionally-attached...and women are the ones who are compelled to wait (again, generally). But my life's been different, i used to date a lot, i used to meet up with men to just know what kinds are "out there". It was actually fun, i even used to see myself as a Serial Dater (thanks to Abby now Ava for coining that term for me). It got tiring. I dont know if i'm growing old or if it's because i basically know what "types" of men exist that i lost interest, but somewhere along the way, i just stopped dating.

I do not have a clear picture of who i wanna marry. I think it's mediocre. Quoting Paulo Coelho, "My loves die even before they're born." ..."If im looking for true love, i first have to get mediocre loves out of my system." but what really is a mediocre love? What is mediocre love for a woman, like myself, who looks back and is sure that she never really loved anyone that wholeheartedly?

I remember having this conversation with a friend about oblivioviousness and happiness. He asked me, "Is a person who can travel really better off than a person who doesnt get to travel but who doesnt really want to travel?" I asked him, "Why is he oblivious? I guess it's just his defense mechanism because he cant travel." But what if he honestly doeant want to travel? Is a traveller really better off? Well, i guess not. The same goes for love, for companionship... Is someone who is in a relationship with commitment better off than someone who doesnt really wanna be committed? But what if this person who firmly believes that she doesnt wanna be committed only has such a decision because she doesnt have a grasp of the happiness that she can actually experience when she finally decides to commit to a relationship? Is she still better off?

"Loneliness is the worst of all tortures."
---Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

I got into a conversation at Starbucks with a few of my friends and we talked about being single. One of us is scared of loneliness. Of not being in a relationship. One of us is tired of being a good girl. My other friend (who recently had the courage to get out of a pretty destructive "friendship" with that someone who doesnt really give him importance and who doesnt take care of him), during one of our Yosi breaks for the night, talked about how this OTHER GuY makes him feel that he is too dependent on him. Only after he decided to let go of him. Only when he decided that there are things that you have to let go of. That there are certain stories that has to end on a sad note. I saw the different faces of loneliness, aside from the kind that i'm feeling. THat kind that's concealed. THat kind that doesnt have any manifestation when other people are around. THat kind that haunts me and tortures me.

I smile all the time. I want to smile because i have reasons to smile. I want to REALLY SMILE.

Masyado kang Nakakapagod.

andami ko gusto sabihin.
andami ko gusto ikwento.
pero masyado pa akong pagod.
masyado na akong pagod.
andami ko gusto marinig.
andami ko gusto intindihin.
di lang ikaw ang napapagod
may karapatan din ako mapagod.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Why do people like the idea of getting drunk? For me, it’s because you feel more uninhibited and for a while, it’s STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER! (Ces introduced this term to us) After downing what seemed like gazillions of shots and bottles and glasses, it felt like things are so uncomplicated, like you can finally figure out how to make your life in order again. Yeah, that’s what you feel but in reality, there is no execution. Paano nalalaman pag lasing na ako? English-speaking na.

Tagaytay was like the formal END of our first semester in law school. I felt a pang of sadness because the finality that came with our overnighter overwhelmed me. I wish I could say that I am ready to face whatever the outcome of my actions will be, but I am not. Haay. Kalimutan muna ang kalungkutan.

Unang Kabanata: Ang Deliryo

The day started perfectly, I was feeling sexy so I wore my haltered backless top in the morning when I met up with The Perm and Associates. I was more than happy, I was deliriously happy… I should’ve known it was a prelude to a sad sad afternoon.

After the Philo exam, I broke down. I never felt so stupid after an exam. I had to get away from everyone. I told ‘em I’ll just wait for ‘em in Starbucks to think. I wasn’t in the mood to go shopping and to eat dinner. I needed to be alone. So Pepe gave me and Kiboy (who couldn’t come with us to Tagaytay because of a family thingie the next day) a ride to Starbucks. And just when all I needed was a table, the place was packed. I decided to go to one of the bars where people study, dropped my stuff, contemplated on crying there but instead I went to the washroom. I bumped into Cathy (Jots’ cousin) who still had an exam the next day, we sorta chatted about law school.. I was on the verge of crying but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. Then as if fate was making fun of me, Jots came out of the washroom. I had to again stop myself from breaking down. I remember him asking about the exam, and I told him to not talk to me about it because I think I was gonna cry. I didn’t think he took me seriously. I said g’bye abruptly and he said g’bye too because Cathy came out of the washroom. I had to rush inside. Then I cried. Shit. Parang telenovela. I cried inside Starbucks Loft’s washroom. Kadiri. Buckets of tears after, I went out of the washroom with my scary red eyes. I needed air. So I told Ey (a barista friend o’ mine) to just tell my friends, in case they get there before me, that I just took a walk. Krung krung no? I brisk-walked my way around Rockwell and bumped into Aiza. We talked (again) about the exam, and I cried. Yak. So I had to say g’bye to her again. That’s when I saw Ana and the gang. Ana walked with me and we decided to eat at Goodearth to cool down. There was only one thing in my mind at that time, I need a bowl of hot soup. Alas, that’s what I instructed Ana to order for me. Manifestations ng aking psychological incapacity ay nakikita na. Haha.

After our dinner / conversation about how it’s so unlikely of me to fall for this guy and how Ana thinks I really should be into “older and more stable men, we went to Starbucks. Ang init na e. Lea (a blockmate o’mine) came and so we chit-chatted. Then I fell asleep. Kasi nga, parang bata, pagkatapos umiyak natutulog. Argh.

Ikalawang Kabanata: Paspasan kung pasapasan..yeah boy!

The night before, we went on a fun fun fun ride to Gonuts Donuts in the Fort. Convoy na malupet. Pepe’s car is a pimp’s dream, therefore, we (Haze, Euns, Ces) decided to ride with him to Tagaytay. Hindi nya kami binigo. Isa itong TSG-TSG experience, think Fast and the Furious. The only difference was that he was playing his “love songs” inside the car. Ayun na, pangromansa si Pepay. Haha. The other peeps rode in Yvie’s van and Yvie, Kay and Mel rode with the BEST DRIVER of ALL TIME, MUMIEL! (tono ni Pepe). We convoyed our way to Yvie’s house in Laguna. Opo, Laguna… hindi Capiz, hindi Gen San.. Laguna lang sya. Yvie, you earned our respect, the time on the road that you had to endure everyday wasn’t easy. Astig.

When we (finally) reached Sannet’s house, we feasted on her dogs. (That didn’t sound right. Animal rights!) WE finally got to meet Yvie’s love of her life, her two adorable dogs. After what seemed like eternity, (si Pepay kasi nagkaron pa ng Photoshoot with the dogs) we were on our way to Tagaytay. Woohoo! Wait for me my dear Cuervo, we shall be one.

Ikatlong Kabanata: Kay Lamig ng Simoy ng Hangin.

Human warmth alert. On our way to Tagaytay, I decided to ride with Mumiel. Francis gave us instructions to meet up with him at Summer Breeze. One text message made us lose it, “Sinuntok ni Yves si Pepe. Dumudugo ang ilong nya.” I couldn’t remember the exact words, but the bottom line is, DUMUDUGO ANG ILONG NI PEPE. Ayun.

Kay lamig sa Summer Breeze. Sana nagdala ako ng lalaki. Sana may nasama akong handang magbigay ng human warmth. Argh. Kalimutan na nga ito.

Fast forward. Francis’ resthouse. It turned out that Geno and the rest of the peeps were waiting for us. They waited in front of the gate, for more than an hour I think. Harsh harsh world. Siguro si Manny Villar ang may kagagawan (he was at Summer Breeze, la lang).

Ikaapat na Kabanata: Strawberry Fields Forever Proper

What do people like us do to relax after one whole sem in law school? WE play scrabble. Seriously. The others sang their hearts out downstairs, and some just plain chatted… But Francis, Pao and uhmm, (sino nga ba un isa?) we played Scrabble. But it wasn’t an ordinary scrabble game (no, there was no stripping involved..) I played scrabble while intoxicating myself. Shot kung shot. Bahala na si Batman. Natapos ang gabi ng masaya. Kung bakit masaya? Kwentuhan… tawanan… lasingan. May mas sasaya pa ba dun? Pagktapos ng lahat, ako’y mapayapang natulog. I think I got text message from a friend about a missing sketchpad. I think I called him to tell him that I haven’t seen any sketch pad. Bakit ako tumawag? Ewan ko rin. Prior to that, I already replied and said the exact same thing. Kadiri, lasing.

Ikalimang Kabanata: Strawberry Fields Forever: The Aftermath

When I woke up the next day I told myself, “I need to puke.” I calmly went downstairs, the first washroom wasn’t available so I went to the washroom in the kitchen. Meliecar was there, I told her… “Susuka ako.” She thought it was so urgent so she finished her brushing her teeth abruptly. Di ko naipaliwanag na desisyon ko lang iyon. After I puked, I felt hungry. I tried to think about the events the night before. I only remembered the feeling of being free. Solb na ko dun.

We had plans to go to the beach but it didn’t push through because the rain was pouring really hard. Therefore, Alabang Town Center na lang. Tutal, isang oras lang naman pauwi ng Manila. Yun ang akala namin…

Ikalimang Kabanata: Lawst Students

NAWALA KAMI. Three hours. Laughtrip. Pagdating sa ATC, gutom na gutom na. Badtrip ang service sa Max’s.

Huling Kabanata: Deuce Bigalow.

Disgustingly funny. Dahil sa kapaguran, ako, si Kay at si Haze ay natulog sa sinehan. Dalawang beses namin “pinanood” un film, un isang beses, tulog na kami. Mapayapang mapayapa. We ate dinner at Luk Yuen. Paalaman. Balik sa Starbucks Powerplant. Balik sa realidad.

THE END.

Tatak Tagaytay

uhmm, francis.. bakit nagpapaka-Korean ka?

hari ng pagka-cute.. si Pao Pao..

kay, kamusta naman ang picture na ipapadala sa penpal? haha.

kiko, at inulit mo pa. at nagsama ka pa ng reenforcement.

naks... signature pose.

the infamous resthouse.

pang-FHM na kuha ni Ana

sisters Shem and Yvie..

dont panic, that's the "normal Yvie" haha

walang pakialamanan, gusto ko kunan e!

I'll See You Around is the Saddest Line

"I'll see you around is the saddest line."

I wont be able to log in for the next few nights because i will get myself wasted after the finals. Im in the library, a few minutes before my last exam in law school and i feel so sad. Uhmm, distracted. I've been thinking of what's happening and quite frankly my dear, I DO GIVE A DAMN. It's sad to not be able to express things. It's sad to look at a person's eyes and not see anything that will give you the courage to ask. It's sad that when you're expecting him to at least give you that "second" to feel that there might be something special that's going on, he abruptly turns his back on you There is no closure. For the nth time, i am in this situation. For the nth time, i'm feeling that there is another GOODBYE that i will have to say soon.

This is an open letter to you who's been making me smile for weeks. This is an open letter to you who's been (once again) making me feel that I might be capable of "feeling" and of "believing" again [for real] . "I'll see you around is the saddest line" because even if i might see you around, i dont know if you will really see. And if you cant see, then chances are... you cannot feel.

I will be wasted tonight. And tomorrow. And when i come back, i hope that this whole budding romance will not be wasted as i am.

LATE

It was a normal night. I resigned to my bed in solitude, notwithstanding the honks of cars right outside my apartment. I almost didn’t hear my cellphone ring but my senses seemed to have conspired to make me notice. Without looking at who the caller was, I nonchalantly said, “Hello?” What followed was a series of incoherent sentences, of gasps, of short breaths. It was hard for me to make much of what the guy on the other side of the line was saying, except for that last sentence.

“Please, come over tomorrow I goddamn need you.” I immediately recognized his voice. I know that tone of hysterical sense of urgency that never fails to make me rush to his side. There’s nothing I can do now. I’ll visit him tomorrow.

5am. After trying desperately to lull myself to sleep, I finally accepted that my effort’s just not enough to ease that uncertainty the weird phone call created. I got out of bed, took a cold shower and almost instinctively went to the mirror to look at my reflection. Five years and I’m still fucking haunted by him. After what seemed like forever, I finally convinced myself to leave the house. I went to visit an old friend, Shane. I got into thinking of that painful day when I decided to leave him.

The rain was pouring hard; it couldn’t have been more reflective of what the gloominess that I was feeling. I called him too, begging him to meet up with me in that park right inside my village. Four years ago, I was the one gasping and weeping when I gave him my letter. It was the answer to his questioning look when I told him that I had to leave. He was dragging me down with his depression, mood swings, weariness, misery and insecurities. I left him because I was almost spent myself. I couldn’t help or “sustain” him anymore. He seemed hopeless. I left him so he could probably realize that he needed to change for me. Hell, he needed to change for himself. I wanted to know if he loved me, really loved me. Even if I knew with all my being that I would not and never have loved anyone else the way I loved him. I left him, justifying my selfish reasons. The plain truth was, I gave up on him.

I halted the car when I saw that familiar building. My heart was beating fast because somehow, I knew he wouldn’t call me if it wasn’t that bad. Shane’s apartment was unlocked so I let myself in like I always used to. I never bothered to look for the spare key. I entered his turpentine smelling apartment, dropped my bags, looked for him in the receiving area, then into the kitchen and finally in his bedroom. There I found Shane dead in his bed…Set by set like the waves of the sea, each of our special memories together flashed through my wandering mind. It took me back to where it all started.

“She maybe the face I can’t forget the…” was playing on the background that morning while I was getting ready for my first day in college. My hair was long and it was usually pony tailed so that I could give that feisty impression. It was my way of concealing how weak and vulnerable I really am deep inside. I was running late, but I didn’t care because according to my friends, professors don’t really come to class on the first day. I got to my school about 15 minutes late, with an expectant smile I entered the room. Shit, the professor’s here. I saw him, sitting in front of the class, serious and intent on listening to our professor. He took a quick glance at me, a very subtle one that got me into thinking if it was me he was checking out or that other pretty girl beside me. Suddenly, our eyes met. I knew, right there and then that he was the most beautiful man I had ever known. Shane casually gave me half-smile and returned to listening to the professor in full concentration. I resumed my usual doodling. Great, there’s something err, someone I could look forward to next Wednesday. I love Algebra.

Wednesday finally came. The class was about to start in seconds, but he wasn’t at his seat yet. Just when I almost resigned on the idea of waiting for him, the back door near where I was seated swung open and a tall young man came rushing in. I made my silent prayer that he’d sit beside me, I recognized his eyes immediately. “Almost late.” he uttered and gave me a faint smile.

Maybe a part of me already knew or maybe I was just shocked, but I scanned the area casually, and then I checked his body for vital signs. There was no pulse on his neck and his half naked body was cold. Eight hours dead at least I thought. Funny there was no blood visible but I could’ve sworn it smelled like blood in the room, faint but there was the smell of blood. I was still in shock so there were no tears yet falling down my cheeks. I called up the police and the hospital, respectively. As I waited for them to arrive I looked at Shane’s lifeless body. I noticed how handsome Shane was. More handsome and young now that he found a way to let go of his problems. More handsome and vigorous even without breathing, more handsome now that he is pale, even more handsome now that he couldn’t even smile.He found peace at last. From the head I continued to look at his neck and chest. I remembered the kisses I gave him and the kisses he gave back, I wasn’t just crying so hard I couldn’t even breathe. That day was so clear to me, it seemed that I viewed life from a new set of eyes, I had perfect vision. All my senses were heightened. I continued to feast on his beautiful body, then by chance I happened to stare at his left wrist and there a small line began to emerge from the arm. The cut was really small and thin, barely visible, and it clotted immediately. For sure it wasn’t the cause of his death. It was his silent melancholy. I realized at that moment that Shane was dead and still my heart was beating his name. It felt like my heart wants to jump to his body give him the life I took away from him. “I’m sorry I’m late.” I whispered. Then I covered my face and let myself cry until the numbness enveloped me.

by Jots (edited by Yunis)
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uhmm, I'm sorry to dude pare Jots for posting it without his permission. It's my way of saying that it's a good story line. Lam ko kasi na di mo ipo-post sa blog mo e. Apir!

The Week that Was and The Week That Will Be.

I shall highlight the important and pertinent parts...

Last Week:
The week starts out rock-steady with a grounded, happy-feeling Monday; your heart's in the right place, it's plain to see. But Tuesday or Wednesday could bring a little tussle with someone who's just not as practical in matters of the heart as you are. Try to entertain their out-there point of view -- you just might like it. If you get some wacky ideas about the realm of romance, well, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are excellent times to give them a try. Sunday's the time for relaxing and rejuvenating, so don't let someone else rush you.

This Week:
Your famous sensuality is very much in the forefront from Monday through Wednesday; the stars are sending some serious heat your way, so get some romance cooking. Now's not the time for hesitation; Thursday and Friday are, however. Engage your practical side when it comes to love, and zero in on what's really happening rather than barging forward. The remainder of the weekend finds you in a happy, secure mode -- secure enough that if you're single, you can take a risk, and if you're coupled up, you'll want to tell (and show) them how much you care for them.
--------------------
This is beginning to be really interesting. But as of the moment. Consti muna.

Of Corpses and Cases

I thought it was gonna be a very bad day. Who wouldnt? I woke up without no one in the house but me, myself and i because apparently, everyone went to Bulacan. I couldnt for obvious reasons. So, i decided to do the most natural thing that i can do, go to Starbucks and study. Ho-huuum right? I texted Ana and told her that i'll be coming so i'll met up with her there. Mainit ang aking ulo... Napapagod na talaga ako ng sobra at higit sa lahat, i'm uber panicking (di man halata) for the Consti Exam. I survived the whole afternoon with apathy and obliviousness. Ayun.

I was productive (or so i thought) i got to give na rin Joseph his "edited" short story and i got to read almost half of what i was supposed to read. Then Ana came and she entertained me by narrating her "Civil Service Exam" stories.. err, nightmares. Basa, basa, basa ulit. You wouldnt believe how Starbucks can transform into a real time punishment-inflicting Freezer. There are days like that. So Ana and I decided to continue our "quest for knowledge" outside Starbs. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay dumating ang aming kaibigan na si Jots. He was asking us if we wanna buy anything from KFC, sakto. We ought to go to Powerplant with Jots, since Ana's going home na rin and since i badly needed time to relax.

Lakad, lakad, lakad. Kwento,kwento,kwento. Tingin shades. KFC. Lakad. Ana went home. Lakad. HUmor Post to buy a card for Tina. A newfound friend na barista sa Starbucks who's on her way to Dubai sa THursday. Sadness. Then Joseph popped the "yahoo moment" of the day. "Gusto nyo ba manood ng sine?" Isip-isip. Consti. Isip-isip. Sige na nga. So we decided na rin to go look at the Movie ScHed. He was so psyched about watchin, "Into the Blue" apparently, he was asking this med student to watch the flick with him. Ayun na, "panakip butas" nanaman ako. Ouch. Dont dwell on the idea kasi nga gusto mo magrelax diba?

Balik Starbs para i-deliver ang "mainit-pa-sana-kung-nahanap-lang-agad-ang-HUmor Post" KFC take out. Chitchat with Melo na hyper sa kakiligan because of her "DJ Lover". Upo sandali. Jots came back sa table namin. Kwento. Head back to Powerplant. Surprise. Wala na Into the Blue dahil may shifting sila ng Corpse Bride. 40 yr-old Virgin na lang. SUrprise, late kami ng 15 minutes. So there, Corpse Bride na lang. Buy tix. Lakad lakad. Hanap ng Chips. Bisitahin si Mitch sa Starbs sa Cinema. Feeling talaga namin ni Jots kami ang dahilan kung bakit dumami ang tao sa Starbs dun. Kapal. Bili ng Nachos WITH EVERYTHING (sana narinig nyo kung pano sinasabi, laughtrip talaga!) at ng Melon Shake (?) ... Kwento-kwento ng mga profound and not so profound na bagay-bagay. Ayon kay Jots, "Naks, date." [Argh] Game na... Corpse Bride time. [Mumiel! and Yvie! CB... hahaha]

MOVIETIME (ano naman ikukuwento ko diba? e nanood.. ganun.)

Fave Lines:
1. In Disappointment, we are perfectly matched!
2. It's just that things didnt go as planned.
3. Frankly my dear, i dont give a damn. (Yeah, Gone with the Wind spoof.. haay)

Si Jots ay parang pagod na pagod. Ang peaceful nya nun "nanonood" kami. Parang baby. Haha. Balik Starbs. CHikahan with Melo about her.... DJ Lover. Kwento kwento. Then Joseph gave me a ride home. So there. Relaxing diba?

Oops bago ko makalimutan... I am totally looking forward to watching "Little Manhattan". Isa syang malaking Aww flick. Jots, aminin mo! Wag mo ko iwan sa ere... nag-awww ka din. hahaha.
END OF THE DAY.

Katunog Kulog

Una sa lahat chocnut, i wanna say thank you bluebayou to my friend Jason Pison for his attempt to visit me tonight twilight. Kahit na late ka na nagtext t-rex ay na-appreciate ko parin ito pirito. Why am i talking like this padi's? Well, Rockwell this is a result assault of our conversation sensation in Starbucks betamax. This is my way ashtray of coping with my depression altapresyon. Besides tha fact that my day oil of olay ended the worst way it could end amend. I tried laughin like Maria Clara rarara, tried talking like a repapip from the 70's shakey's and even tried to laugh like a gremlin aladdin. Walang epekto impakto.

Napapaisip ako tuloy. Kaya ba katunog ng pag-ibig ang tubig dahil dumadaloy din ito hanggang sipsipin ng lupa dahil sa katigangan? Kaya ba katunog ng puso ang tuso dahil mapaglaro rin ito? E kung ganun, bakit katunog ng Yunis ang Bungisngis kung sa totoo naman ang mas katunog ng Yunis ay pagtangis? =(