Sometimes, it's not enough that she makes you happy. You look at her and think about how you could possibly consider pursuing her. She's not like "HER". The "HER" that you imagine yourself falling for. She's not demanding, she's almost too available and she doesn't expect you to exert so much effort. Unlike "HER", she doesn't compel you to take care of her, she even voluntarily takes care of you. You don't feel the need to dress up, act prim and proper, heck you can even throw green jokes at her and she'll laugh. But she's not "HER". You look at "HER" and thinks, "SHE still is perfect." but when you look at her you think, "She's funny." Between PERFECT and FUNNY, you know which is better. You find yourself going to her when you are in need of taking a break, when you need your bruised ego to be cradled. She willingly does that, in fact, she's willing to drop almost everthing when she hears you call. You are fascinated at how carefree, hassle-free your NON-RELATIONSHIP is. You can go on and on in this situation. You even feel that you might doing her a favor by giving her your "excess time". In your mind, she must feel grateful that you chose her to fill the emptiness in your life. You mean no harm, you're just being a friend. You don't feel guilty. You are not closing your mind to the idea of someday pursuing her, you just need time to settle things out. How much time? You have no idea, anyway, it's not negatively affecting her right? In the mean time, stay with "HER" and let her be.
Ever wondered what she might be truly feeling? She knows she may never become "HER" yet she sticks around because you need her. She sets aside her self esteem, sense of self and her life because she wants you to feel and understand that she can go through a lot for you. She doesn't demand because she knows she has no right to demand. She takes care of you because she cares, because she cannot bear to see you broken. She does her best to fix you because she considers you to be a part of her. She doesn't pressure you to change because she has accepted you for who you are. She laughs at your jokes because she aches for your laughter that is intended for someone else. Yes, she can never be perfect, she never claimed to be one, but if being funny is the only way for her to make you feel better, she'd rather be funny at the risk of not being taken seriously, than be perfect and burden you. She cradles your ego because she wants to let you know that for her, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. She gives you a break while she painfully tries to conceal her own need for one. She drops everything because you are everything, and with you things are in their proper places. She chooses to settle for a carefree, hassle-free non-relationship because that's all you offer her. Your "excess time" is her "precious time". You can go on and on like this but she can only take so much. She fills the emptiness in your life because she wants to be a part of it too. She knows that you mean no harm, that's why she doesn't take it against you that you continuously hurt her, unconsciously.
How much time do you need? She wants to ask you that too, along with a lot of other questions.
Figure it out... before it's too late.
