My tears refuse to fall because they only fall when i'm with you...
My eyes, all watery and red, wander around looking for what is not there...
Coffee is not as bitter as the taste of your name on my lips...
Alcohol numbs me but not my inner pain...
Even a pack of cigarette won't take away the tremble in my hands....
YOU are my greatest VICE. Please don't put me on withdrawal.
ME Time
I need my ME time because truth be told, I'm pissed that my bad day is conquering my usually strong and bubbly personality. I feel like I woke up this morning destined to feel bad and to feel like this whole day'll be a total mess. I don't want to be the one who'll ruin other people's moods so I had to flee and hibernate in my pseudo-sanctuary. NO INTERACTIONS, NO PRESSURE TO BE CHEERFUL and NO COMPULSION TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M NOT IN MY NORMAL AURA. It's totally a day of crankiness that's triggered by the littlest of things. A lot of people are bound to celebrate and as for me, I'm playing the role of a killjoy old woman. I don't like this feeling but there really is nothing left to do but succumb to it. I'm hoping that by writing this down, I could at least cool down or prepare myself for the dry run at 9pm. No tension, no stress, no negative vibes. I pray that something happens to cheer me up. FAST.
I hate it that my lack of sense of responsibility is bringing me to misery. My day is continuing to suck.
----------
(written at Starbucks while sipping my grande Pink Guava in solitude)
I hate it that my lack of sense of responsibility is bringing me to misery. My day is continuing to suck.
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(written at Starbucks while sipping my grande Pink Guava in solitude)
LOST BOY
Kaya pala nanjan ka.. sabi sa Horoscope ko:
A new person in your life is intensifying efforts to communicate with you. Give yourself time to sort through how you feel about this, because you might not know how to react at first. This person is still a bit of a mystery to you, and you might not be quite sure what to think. Is it all some sort of joke? In a very odd way, this confusion will be refreshing and exciting to you. Instead of frustrating you, this person is putting you in touch with a new part of yourself.Thanks dude.
FOR PICTURES AND MEMORIES
visit my multiply site, just because it's easier to upload images there...
PUNTA NA!
Erratum: Nakakainis na wala man lang nag-correct sa aking title na MELODIE HAVE FINALLY FALLEN. Grammatically incorrect po.. HAS FINALLY FALLEN DAPAT! Lech. Subject-verb agreement di ko pa magawa ng tama. hehe.
PUNTA NA!
Erratum: Nakakainis na wala man lang nag-correct sa aking title na MELODIE HAVE FINALLY FALLEN. Grammatically incorrect po.. HAS FINALLY FALLEN DAPAT! Lech. Subject-verb agreement di ko pa magawa ng tama. hehe.
A String of Inuman Sessions and Dramas Along the Way
Four straight days of drinking [and driving, in Ces' case] after and we've got gazillions of picture to prove that we KNOW HOW TO COMPENSATE for our heart-wrenching MIDTERMS. It started off at Good Earth right after our last exam, Legal Ethics. It was a spontaneous and full of laglagan drinking spree. Stayed 'til 2am and was supposed to stay if the "good girl" in me didn't kick the "bad girl" in me in the ass. Just when Lew ordered a new bucket of beer, I had to leave the temptation and kissed everyone goodbye.
Next day was another spur of the moment thing at Good Earth. After studying for class we decided to succumbed to the call of Alcoholism and talked about deep churva conversations with Patring. I ALMOST LOST IT. Oh well.
Friday was Papuz's day and we partied 'til morning at Capone's. This was where we got to grill Patty for his now not-so-secret affair with that guy whom I now call Ryan Agoncillo. Dennis and I make a good tag team. *winks ... Plus, Wendy now has BESO RIGHTS with Peter Pan [grins]
Saturday, I hosted the Conflicts of Law Send Off and then went straight to Gweilo's to attend Utopia's Post Midterms Party. It was a new crowd and a breath of fresh air. Plus, it didn't hurt that the booze was overflowing and that Raffy volunteered to buy flowers for us. Woohoo.
Now, I am blogging despite my SUCKY MIDTERMS in Corp and my SUCKY Recit in CORP and my cutting class for Civ Pro and the fact that there remains only EIGHT FREAGGIN' DAYS before YOU-KNOW-WHAT. Ehem. Ask me again please.
Looking forward to the promised ream of DunHill Flow from Carlo "the doctor" just because I look like his bestfriend and he loves that girl and he bummed a stick of YOSI from me.
Where's the drama one might ask. Long Story. It's in Neverland.
Side Kwento: I have a new addition to the characters in my Neverland Story. He shall now be called Lost Boy just because according to him, he still hasn't prepared his "game plan". Gawd.
That's three prospects and zero valentine's invitation. Which brings me to our BACK-UP Plan of hosting a Starbucks Soiree at Janina's place. Good enough. I don't need churva if they don't need me. I am a bitch and I can be happy without 'em. [Applause]
Next day was another spur of the moment thing at Good Earth. After studying for class we decided to succumbed to the call of Alcoholism and talked about deep churva conversations with Patring. I ALMOST LOST IT. Oh well.
Friday was Papuz's day and we partied 'til morning at Capone's. This was where we got to grill Patty for his now not-so-secret affair with that guy whom I now call Ryan Agoncillo. Dennis and I make a good tag team. *winks ... Plus, Wendy now has BESO RIGHTS with Peter Pan [grins]
Saturday, I hosted the Conflicts of Law Send Off and then went straight to Gweilo's to attend Utopia's Post Midterms Party. It was a new crowd and a breath of fresh air. Plus, it didn't hurt that the booze was overflowing and that Raffy volunteered to buy flowers for us. Woohoo.
Now, I am blogging despite my SUCKY MIDTERMS in Corp and my SUCKY Recit in CORP and my cutting class for Civ Pro and the fact that there remains only EIGHT FREAGGIN' DAYS before YOU-KNOW-WHAT. Ehem. Ask me again please.
Looking forward to the promised ream of DunHill Flow from Carlo "the doctor" just because I look like his bestfriend and he loves that girl and he bummed a stick of YOSI from me.
Where's the drama one might ask. Long Story. It's in Neverland.
Side Kwento: I have a new addition to the characters in my Neverland Story. He shall now be called Lost Boy just because according to him, he still hasn't prepared his "game plan". Gawd.
That's three prospects and zero valentine's invitation. Which brings me to our BACK-UP Plan of hosting a Starbucks Soiree at Janina's place. Good enough. I don't need churva if they don't need me. I am a bitch and I can be happy without 'em. [Applause]
Torn
I'd like to think that I'm confused right now, that I'm torn between staying and moving on to a new adventure. I think I'm better off torn than decided because when I have decided, it will mean that there's no turning back. It will mean that no matter what my fate will be, I will be stuck and I will have to stand by it, no matter how painful, emotionally taxing and unruly it will get. That I can handle... losing everything that we used to have, I can't.
I'm here again, that LIMBO that I try not to get caught into. The PURGATORY between heaven and hell. I see previews of both worlds each day that I refuse to make a decision. I'm afraid that my judgment and that of my friends are clouded. I want it to be a happy ending, and my friends want me to get the ending that I want... but what if for him, everyday's just the same. What if today for him is the same as yesterday?
There's a thin line between illusion and reality. I am building a wall so I could cushion my collision. He sometimes makes me happy, he most of the time disorients me... but every single time, I get closer and closer to wanting him, to holding his hand and to have him put his arm around me.
I cannot afford to lack focus again, but I cannot afford to lack his existence either. Where do I stand?
I'm here again, that LIMBO that I try not to get caught into. The PURGATORY between heaven and hell. I see previews of both worlds each day that I refuse to make a decision. I'm afraid that my judgment and that of my friends are clouded. I want it to be a happy ending, and my friends want me to get the ending that I want... but what if for him, everyday's just the same. What if today for him is the same as yesterday?
There's a thin line between illusion and reality. I am building a wall so I could cushion my collision. He sometimes makes me happy, he most of the time disorients me... but every single time, I get closer and closer to wanting him, to holding his hand and to have him put his arm around me.
I cannot afford to lack focus again, but I cannot afford to lack his existence either. Where do I stand?
Watch Me
I look at him because you don't want me to look at you.
I don't know what you want, and what I want doesn't matter.
The good cancels the bad but the bad cheats its way to winning.
When you lean towards me, I find myself leaning back, like instinct.
It is beyond instinct, it is beyond logic, but there's nothing beyond it.
I steal glances so I can picture you while I'm looking away.
You never catch me staring because I don't have to.
I have your face stamped on everything around me, on leaves, on smoke, on infinity.
I value your silence because it is when I feel that you're really with me.
It is when you're here that I feel you're at the greatest distance.
I look at him because you don't want me to look at you.
It's enough that you're watching when I turn around.
I don't know what you want, and what I want doesn't matter.
The good cancels the bad but the bad cheats its way to winning.
When you lean towards me, I find myself leaning back, like instinct.
It is beyond instinct, it is beyond logic, but there's nothing beyond it.
I steal glances so I can picture you while I'm looking away.
You never catch me staring because I don't have to.
I have your face stamped on everything around me, on leaves, on smoke, on infinity.
I value your silence because it is when I feel that you're really with me.
It is when you're here that I feel you're at the greatest distance.
I look at him because you don't want me to look at you.
It's enough that you're watching when I turn around.
Melodie has finally fallen...
...LITERALLY.
I swear, I felt like I was choking because of how funny the whole situation was. Anyone who's a regular at Starbucks near Ateneo Law knows that there is a "dangerous" part outside. That part where your chair's feet may get stuck causing your COMMUNING WITH NATURE [borrowed from Rach].
How did it exactly happen? We were sort of having querida conversations, singing along to some emo music when we suddenly realized that Mel disappeared. No startling sound, no fair warning... she was there, lying on what used to be a beautifully-landscaped spot. A garden's worst nightmare, quoting Ces. We were so shocked that we didnt react for at least 5 seconds. We looked and froze until Rach asked Mel, "Oh my God, are you ok?" Mel said, "No!!! I can't move!" Then, we got out of our temporary coma and adrenaline paved its way to our veins. We ran towards her and tried to help her get up. What made the situation worse was the fact that all of us were dying of laughter, of humiliation and of disbelief.
We laughed for at least 2 hours after the incident and continued to be distracted everytime we get reminded of what transpired. Everyone in Starbucks knew of the incident, even the baristas who were on duty. That spot will forever be the spot who made MEL COMMUNE WITH NATURE.
Now, everytime anyone tries to sit on that spot, we warn them of the risk that they're taking for choosing to be there.
Laughtrip.
I swear, I felt like I was choking because of how funny the whole situation was. Anyone who's a regular at Starbucks near Ateneo Law knows that there is a "dangerous" part outside. That part where your chair's feet may get stuck causing your COMMUNING WITH NATURE [borrowed from Rach].
How did it exactly happen? We were sort of having querida conversations, singing along to some emo music when we suddenly realized that Mel disappeared. No startling sound, no fair warning... she was there, lying on what used to be a beautifully-landscaped spot. A garden's worst nightmare, quoting Ces. We were so shocked that we didnt react for at least 5 seconds. We looked and froze until Rach asked Mel, "Oh my God, are you ok?" Mel said, "No!!! I can't move!" Then, we got out of our temporary coma and adrenaline paved its way to our veins. We ran towards her and tried to help her get up. What made the situation worse was the fact that all of us were dying of laughter, of humiliation and of disbelief.
We laughed for at least 2 hours after the incident and continued to be distracted everytime we get reminded of what transpired. Everyone in Starbucks knew of the incident, even the baristas who were on duty. That spot will forever be the spot who made MEL COMMUNE WITH NATURE.
Now, everytime anyone tries to sit on that spot, we warn them of the risk that they're taking for choosing to be there.
Laughtrip.
Last Minute Churva
I know I'm sort of hyper-blogging. This may be attributed to the fact that in a few hours, It's over. FINALLY. I ain't reviewing anymore not because I am ready for the exam but because I think I lost the battle to LAZYlandia. I lost my newly-bought pack of cig a few minutes after I smoked my first two sticks. It's frustrating. Seriously.
Off to more important matters, I think I'm more scared now than before because the end of Midterms week is also the start of the Valentine's Season. And I am aware of the fact that my blog entries have been religiously in line with this theme, of Churva. I just got into thinking of what we talked about last night, of the obvious leaning of my now irrational mind towards expecting. I hate it. Nope, I don't hate them [or Him, definitely not HIM] but I just hate it that I'm in this limbo again. I was ok you know, I was doing great not expecting that things will change in my life, between us, between what I have and DON'T HAVE. I don't blame him for suddenly existing again, I just hate myself for singling him out at this peculiar time. I mean, I am ok with a lot of Churva's at a time. I'm ok with having my own li'l version of romantic LOST BOYS who are there in Neverland, it's just that right now... I think I have made a choice... or at least am ready to make a choice. I know who and what i want. No matter how complicated, how forbidden and how hopeless. Not really hopeless, just sort of not feasible.
I'll be drinking again tonight, I'll try to wash away all these midterm-invoked confusion and shake it off. I'm gonna try [desperately] to go back to where we, uhmm, there's no WE so where I started. I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a bloody process.
Still, I'm happy for my girlfriends [whom I subjected to incrimination due to my BLIND ITEM-ish recent entry]. I am happy for me for sort of stepping up. I don't think he's happy right now. And that stained what could've been a clear as white start of my February. I pray that we all be happy, or at least contented... or at least peaceful.
I need to say sorry to you who's willing to be there but whom I didnt give the chance to be. I know you don't read my blog, but if because of some freak of nature you are able to read this, I'm sorry that I'm not the churva that you expect me to be.
I am saying sorry to Mr. Complicated. Just because I'm dragging you into this whole fiasco of complications without clearing things up first and without verifying if you, even in the smallest of chances, want to be dragged into it. The Peter Pan entry was in fact written for you and not for Peter Pan. It's just that Peter Pan is the only concrete and appropriate name that I can think of because you make me think of happy thoughts too.
I'm off to my last exam for the Midterms. Tonight, let's hope that I won't be too wasted to remember.
Off to more important matters, I think I'm more scared now than before because the end of Midterms week is also the start of the Valentine's Season. And I am aware of the fact that my blog entries have been religiously in line with this theme, of Churva. I just got into thinking of what we talked about last night, of the obvious leaning of my now irrational mind towards expecting. I hate it. Nope, I don't hate them [or Him, definitely not HIM] but I just hate it that I'm in this limbo again. I was ok you know, I was doing great not expecting that things will change in my life, between us, between what I have and DON'T HAVE. I don't blame him for suddenly existing again, I just hate myself for singling him out at this peculiar time. I mean, I am ok with a lot of Churva's at a time. I'm ok with having my own li'l version of romantic LOST BOYS who are there in Neverland, it's just that right now... I think I have made a choice... or at least am ready to make a choice. I know who and what i want. No matter how complicated, how forbidden and how hopeless. Not really hopeless, just sort of not feasible.
I'll be drinking again tonight, I'll try to wash away all these midterm-invoked confusion and shake it off. I'm gonna try [desperately] to go back to where we, uhmm, there's no WE so where I started. I'm gonna try, but it's going to be a bloody process.
Still, I'm happy for my girlfriends [whom I subjected to incrimination due to my BLIND ITEM-ish recent entry]. I am happy for me for sort of stepping up. I don't think he's happy right now. And that stained what could've been a clear as white start of my February. I pray that we all be happy, or at least contented... or at least peaceful.
I need to say sorry to you who's willing to be there but whom I didnt give the chance to be. I know you don't read my blog, but if because of some freak of nature you are able to read this, I'm sorry that I'm not the churva that you expect me to be.
I am saying sorry to Mr. Complicated. Just because I'm dragging you into this whole fiasco of complications without clearing things up first and without verifying if you, even in the smallest of chances, want to be dragged into it. The Peter Pan entry was in fact written for you and not for Peter Pan. It's just that Peter Pan is the only concrete and appropriate name that I can think of because you make me think of happy thoughts too.
I'm off to my last exam for the Midterms. Tonight, let's hope that I won't be too wasted to remember.
Last Hurrah..
"I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what WE DON'T HAVE. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing... But the truth is: To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
What is a "last day of Midterms" entry without ranting? It's really been a tiring week and the manifestations are quickly emerging. Take the case of my favorite person in the whole wide galaxy, MYSELF. I went home last night from an "attempt" to study Legal Ethics and my brother opened the door for me. He looked at me with a mocking smile and insensitively remarked, "Ate, para kang nagd-drugs. Uminom ka ba? Bakit ganyan ang mata mo, red na red? At yang eyebags mo, parang six layers na yan a." Wow, what a way to boost my already zero self esteem.
Anyway, I refuse to be disheartened. Sabi nga ni Patty, look at the good/ happy things that are happening and don't dwell on the panaka-nakang "sad parts". That's the best atttitude, but when these "few sad moments" parade themselves in front of you with a full band and really colorful costumes, you can't help but notice diba?
Enjoy it while it lasts, That's everyone's mantra this Midterms week, because after the show, there really is no assurance that history will repeat itself. A lot of other factors will be CONSIDERED and a lot of "there's no turning back" decisions will have to be made. Reality will once again sink in and the things that made you smile... you have to hold on to them and make the memories as vivid as they can get, inside your head and ok, your heart. You never know, these might be the only things that will make you look forward to still surviving. Or to at least believing that once in your life, things worked.
I'm sort of happy right now. With no assurance that I'll be happy ever after. I couldn't care less actually. Whatever works, i'll be more than happy to accept.
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