Not All Conflicts are Empty Soap Operas

Because of my life's uncertainty, I've been diverting my attention to what THE STARS have to say about me. Malay natin matulungan nya ako diba? hehe.

Sun in Taurus

When Eunice was born, the Sun was in the sign Taurus, the Earth Person. Eunice has a gift for simplicity and a distaste for unnecessary drama. She prefers and can offer peace, stability, and a healthy attitude toward the physical dimensions of existence. Taurean energy appreciates a mate who can luxuriate in the senses. If a relationship becomes too emotionally Byzantine, deprives Eunice of too much sensory input, or cuts her off from the world of nature for too long, Eunice may become as fidgety as an unexercised racehorse. Intimacy, however, invariably brings up psychological issues in both partners. Eunice may need to remember that not all conflicts are empty soap operas --some of them are quite legitimate, and working through them calmly can improve a relationship.

It's weird but I find these things to "swak". I find it hard to take conversations seriously because I dont know how to react to certain situations. I find some "heart to heart talks" shallow because I'm not really a fan of really cheesy stuff. I am learning, I am learning...

Daily Horoscope

A coworker who's been tossing suggestive glances your way is about to make it quite clear to you that they're not just kidding around. They're serious about getting to know you. It's all up to you now, if you're interested.

Aba, aba, aba... coworker? Hmm, I'm not working e. Does this mean that this is someone from the law school? Hmmm.. let's go Backstreet guy! hahaha. Nga pala, I finally found him in friendster. At I found really cute pics pa of him and his friends. Balik Stalker mode nanaman ba ako? Nakakadiri na ito.

I Love You Sabado...

Parang Telesine.

I needed to post this.. I still cannot get over the fact that the "episode" that we had last night/ morning was like a scene from One Tree Hill or The OC or Ed. Kahit kaming dalawa na nag-uusap ng masinsinan ay natawa na lamang.

Scene no. 1: I was on my way to going home... he went out of Starbs and asked me if I was going home. I looked at him (searching look) and said yes. He said he was gonna be out around 1am. Naisip ni babae, konti na lang ang panahon ay patapos na istoryang ito. Natahimk ng sandali, half smile pareho. "Pano, bye na." Sabay may emotional big hug. Un tipo ng hug na nakikita mo na ang ibig sabihin ay.. "Tapos na. Magkikita pa tayo pero tapos na ang storya." Un tipo ng hug na napapapikit ang bidang babae at ang bidang lalaki naman ay may mild squeeze na nagsasabing, "Take care."

Scene no. 2: (shempre nagkahintayan parin) the dreaded awkward silence inside the car... I was looking out the window while he was driving. There was an attempt to finally get the conversation going but it was to no avail. I was biting my nails. He was talking about how I have hurt him with my words. Dapat nag-uusap in third person. Un tipong, "Pero masakit naman para sa lalaki na un na un ang naisip mo tungkol sa kanya diba?" sasagot ang babae na, "Pero you have to understand na nasulat lang nya un dahil un ang nararamdaman nya nun panahon na un. Writers are supposed to be exaggerated." Kahit na alam naman nila na silang dalawa lang naman ang subject ng usapan. Yan ang tinatawag na "kunwari ibang tao ang pinaguusapan natin para mas madali tayo makapagsalita."

Scene no. 3: Ito ang "So, paano?" moment. Tumigil na ang kotse. Wala parin napagusapan. Di parin settled ang lahat. Ang babae ay titingin sa lalaki, nakatikom ang bibig na may konting ngiti.. Un ngiti na di pang masaya. Tahimik parin. Ito ung, "Siguro hanggang dito na lang talaga." moment. Tatango ang babae at lalabas ng kotse. May pahabol na "Goodbye Miss Ever Optimist".
Scene 4: Magkakausap sa cellphone. Ito ay pagkatapos na bumaba ng babae sa kotse. Sasabihin nya, " I still dont understand." Sasabihin ni lalake, "Do you wanna talk?" Tahimik ulit. Nagtanungan kung nasan ang isa't isa. Napagdesisyunan na kelangan na tapusin dahil WALA NANG IBANG PANAHON. Ito na ang nakakadiring linya ng babae sa driver... "Manong, balik po tayo..." Bababa sa sinasakyan at hinahanap ang kotse ni lalake. Tapos sasakay uli. Umpisa nanaman ng drama.

Scene 5: Essential na mag-park sa parking lot (ng McDo) para tapusin ang "conversation." Shemps kelangan naluluha luha tayo habang nag-uusap. Meron din paghaplos sa likuran at ang mabilisang pagtatama ng mga kamay. At pagkatapos ng mahabang dramahan. UMULAN. Opo... unbelievable pero UMULAN. Pelikulang-pelikula. Good job.

Scene 6: Ihahatid sa bahay si babae. Pagdating sa kanyang bahay ay magpapark muli sa harap. Katahimikan. Pasalamatan. Matatawa na lang sa kadramahan ng isa't-isa. Maiisip na di naman pala ganun kalala ang sitwasyon. Shempre matatapos ito ng isang akap. Ito un mas "final" na akap. Akap ng makaibigan na nagkaintindihan na. Umuulan parin.
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Sino ang mag-aakala na nangyayari ito sa totoong buhay? Sa tingin ko ay isa itong practice para sa aking future career in showbusiness. Hanggang ngayon kahit na medyo malungkot un napag-usapan, napapangiti parin ako sa kakornihan nun sitwasyon. Alam kong mababasa mo ito. Sana natatawa ka rin. It wasnt that bad. At least, pag nagkaron tayo ng chance na maisapelikula ang buhay natin, sigurado nang kasama ka sa storya ko at kasama ako sa storya mo. Ang hiling ko lang, kung saka-sakali, ako ang papiliin mo ng artistang gaganap ng aking role. Mahirap na, baka di sya magaling at di mabigyan ng justice ang pagkaperpekto ng mga MOMENTS na un.

Eunice. You Should Stop.

Eunice, you should stop! You've been drinking again. You started smoking. You stopped being the fun-loving person that you are. You are not getting enough sleep. You cry in the shower, in your room ... anywhere you get the chance. You often find yourself looking at emptiness, preoccupied with thoughts of regret, longing and even confusion. You try too hard to conceal that you have problems and you are not succeeding in your plan of not being noticed by the people around you. Stop being such a Drama queen. YOU SHOULD STOP.
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I went to the chapel this afternoon and found myself crying in front of the altar. "Lord, give me the right answers to the right questions." I surrendered everything to Him. I cannot continue to feel sorry for myself. I should stop.
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I've been crying the whole week. Not to mention all the booboos that I committed. Everyone's asking me if i am ok. I feel like there's a LOSER sign on my forehead.
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I'm still optimistic. This too shall pass. After all, I'm not called Miss Ever Optimist for nothing.

Prime.

We literally ran from Ateneo to Powerplant because we had to catch the 2:45 screening of Prime. Our class was from 1-3pm... We looked really funny, t'was like a scene from Amazing race.
"Go, go, go!"

Universal says:
"Prime" is a sophisticated, character comedy set in New York City about Rafi (Uma Thurman), a recently divorced 37-year-old career woman from Manhattan, and what happens when Dave (Bryan Greenberg), a talented 23-year-old painter from Brooklyn, falls in love with her. "Prime" looks at love from everyone's point of view -- friends, relatives and in this case, Rafi's therapist (Meryl Streep) -- and follows all who come apart, and some who pull it together, when two people fall in love.

The film was depressing. There were a lot of times when I almost cried. There were a lot of things that reminded me of my past. They were so similar that I felt like it was the film's way of mocking me. I could relate to Rafi when she encouraged Dave to believe in his talents and to stop from feeling like he's not enough. I could relate to her pushing Dave to be the best that he can be for himself.

"I Love you... and i will figure it out."

I nearly fainted in nausea when I heard Dave say that "though I'm new at this and that I'm still trying to know my way around relationships... I love you and I will figure it out." I wanna be able to figure it out. There are a lot of things that I dont understand, and maybe I will never understand them. Still, my journey to figuring it out continues.

Dave: [lying in bed, making love] I want to make a baby with you.
Rafi:I can't. I can't do this to you. You don't want to.
Dave: You want to. It's what you want so I want it.
Rafi: But you don't. You would regret it.
Dave: I want to give you this gift.
Rafi: I know. And it's the sweetest gift anyone has every given me. The fact that you are willing to do this for me shows how deep your love goes. That's the gift I'm taking from you instead.

Totally heart-wrenching. They didnt end up together. I think the ending was perfect. Sad but appropriate. The last scene was when they bumped into each other a year later... They looked at each other and in both their eyes, there was acceptance that their story's finished. Finality. Sighs.

"Sometimes we love, we learn and we move on."

Some stories are meant to end on a sad note. In fact, most of our stories will not end the way we would want it to end. And when finally the ending that we've been waiting for comes, that's when we will start appreciating all our Almost Love Stories.

Sino Ka?

We had a hulaan session last night. Apparently, my cards say that Im mutually in love with someone. I love him, he loves me back. Good. The love is more on my side, therefore I'm loving him more. Fair enough. He will be more successful than me (?) . Better. I'm gonna do all the loving while he will lavish me with extravagant gifts. Evil laugh. APPARENTLY, there is a minor glitch. A "REALLY MINOR" hindrance to our love story. Now it's getting more realistic. Judging from experience, you can never understimate a "really minor" glitch. In the end, I was told that my cards are soooo lucky because almost all of 'em are RED. Red is a lucky color. Argh. Ok na sana, pero ang tanong... SINO KANG MINAMAHAL KO AT NAGMAMAHAL DIN SA AKIN? Magpapasko nanaman, step up! Haha.

Ano ang sign na walang gagawin for class the next day? Makikita mo kami na mga kagalang-galang na law students sa Starbucks, di nag-aaral.. naglalaro ng Killer Killer. Ano ang mas masaklap dun? Pag kasali ka sa Killer Killer tapos ikaw lang un naghihintay ng kamatayan mo sa pamamagitan ng kindat nun Killer. Ayun.

How Apt.

Horoscope for the day:

Dwelling on the good times in your past will keep you from creating new ones.

You're fully prepared to assume the consequences of talking about that secret subject you've been trying to hide for far too long. But before you open up and let the world know what's on your mind, be sure that you won't be betraying a friend's confidence. You know how seriously you take the issue of loyalty? Well, the folks you've become close with feel the same way. It's not surprising, either. After all, you trained them

You can try doing the same old stuff with the same old people, but the stars have something else in mind. Why not do your part and break out of your routine to check out what could be a lot more thrilling?

I WAS drunk... and that made it easier.

I was right all along. My intuition was right. I should've listened to myself but I didnt. Story of my life. I'm still smiling.

I went home around 4am and I know i posted a feel-good entry. That WAS what I was feeling. I felt free, sure and happy that things are clearer. Now, 4 hours later I realized that there still are a lot of questions that are going through my mind. I am not feeling hatred, I can never find it in my heart to feel that. I guess this is just one of those days that you dread waking up not only because you know you'll have a hangover but also because waking up means being reminded that something DID happen and that things will never be the same again. It's one of those days where as much as I wanna go back to sleep, I could not really force myself to stop thinking and to stop analyzing what just transpired.

It rained last night. The clouds cried the tears that I wasnt able to shed. There was finality in everything. It is the same finality that I was trying to avoid for days because I hate it when I have to be strong again for myself and for other people. It's not true that I merely laughed it off. It was hard for me too. But the difference between me and him is that I try to be happy and to find the reason behind everything to at least mitigate the pain.

I wanted to hug him longer and to tell him that things will be alright. I just dont know if I believe that myself. I nearly broke down when he slightly held my hand while I was giving him a tap on the back. It was like I got a glimpse of something that I couldnt have. I still thank him for the good times. Yes, there were good times. I'm sorry if I may have hurt him with the things that i said. I'm human too but I did promise him that we will still be friends and I am keeping that promise. Now I know why I couldnt hug him longer... Being close to him is just like being close to fire.

Until now, I still do not understand why God once again had to put me through this. I know He will reveal his plan at the right time. I will just follow what my friends told me, "Charge it to experience". Lord, parang mejo fully-charged na ang aking experience battery ah.

I wish I could go back to sleep and dream my way to happiness. I can't. The pain's unbelievably deep. Deeper than the last time. This is rock bottom. I just know. I will go up. I will go up. I will go up. Or maybe I'll just lie on rock bottom and wait for it to tranform into a mountain. It's gonna be a long process... a long process.

All's Well That Ends Well.

'tis over. It is the beginning of better things for me. The smoke has been cleared and I'm happy. All we needed was to say it and to have faith in whatever we have. Ok na. Sana walang Legal Writing tomorrow.

Loose Screws

This is sooo ironic. Just when i'm admitting my fragility, i am faced with the fact that I can't be too fragile after all. At ito pa, a guy from my past texted me today. According to him, "we need to catch up" What am I gonna tell him?

"Sure. Well nothing really much has happened to me. I'm now in law school and I'm having a hard time. If you wanna know if I finally found someone who made me feel special, I'd say yes. A lot of 'em. But everything was short-lived. I am pretty much screwed up these past few days and this is the perfect time for us to catch up. That's beside the fact that i saw your picture and that you're hot and that you are not dating anyone right now. It will be like slapping my face for letting you go because I AM JUST ONE SCREWED UP woman who continues to be undecided. You are a great guy, really... but i just coyuldnt bare to meet up with you because you are perfect and i am far from it... very far from it. I've been depressed the whole week because I feel like nothing's falling into place. Oh and by the way, I think I like this guy who is not you and if we start dating now i'm afraid all you'll get are puffy eyes and glass-eyed looks and empty statements. No, i am not in love with him, i just think we have a chance and i dont want you to endure a conversation that will potentially be disastrous because i might cry in the process and i might all of a sudden decide to say yes to your proposal of dating again. Then it will start the whole process of me getting hurt again and that sucks. BIG TIME."

Pathetic.

Sound Trip

When it’s my moment in the sun
Oh, how beautiful I’ll be
But in a normal sort of way
Like I am you and you are me

Cause I have a lot of things to say
And you’d be wise to listen good
I think that hunger, war and death
Are bringing everybody down

When it’s my moment in the sun
I’ll share my problems with the world
And psychosomatically I’ll sing
To God and all his pretty girls

When it’s my moment in the sun
I won’t forget that I am blessed
But every hero walks alone
Thinking of more things to confess
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from the TV Series Ed.

Your Favorite Music

Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
Your favorite music
Well it just makes you sad
But you like it
Cause you feel special that way

You feel special
That you’re like no one else
You feel special
That you’re like no one else
But then you’re lonely
And you need someone to help

I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
I can’t teach you
To learn to love yourself
But here’s a sad song
That I wrote for no one else

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