DEPRESYON... TAMA NA PO.

yeah, i already did. but the bigger question is, have i forgiven myself?

im pretty ok with Cyanide.after all the education, all the hardwork.. am i really better off?

hey "my old sef", i am missing you. please come home.

*sigh

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thanks to post secret for the images

AN INNER CHILD'S MELANCHOLY.

Why are you crying?
I'm killing a child's dream.
Who is this child?
A lonely child from within.
What's does she want from you?
She wants my wishes to come true.
Where are you going?
To a place where we'll never feel blue.

(I drew the picture when i was in grade four)

A Trip Down Memory Highway.

This is Melo's fault, after her infamous "survey", i found myself rummaging through my boxes of memories from gradeschool, highschool and college... time doesnt just fly, it flies faster than the speed of light. (kadiri ang cliche) Well i found really interesting stuff so lemme share to you a few of these things...

A LETTER TO:To: Mr. Emmanuel a.k.a. Jesus Christ Nickname: Lord Codename: Boyfriend Occupation: Messiah #1 Deep inside my heart st., Brgy Right Beside Me, Holy Church City, Everywhere, Heaven Country

My first and forever boyfriend,

Knowing you is the most unexplainable love at first sight of my life. At first, akala ko suplado ka at kailangan ko pang magpapansin sa'yo. Dati di ko malaman kung bakit di ako makapag-open up sayo. i've been trying to find true love sa lahat ng naging crushes ko pero i'm glad na tayo ang naging mag-steady. I wanna thank you for finding a way for me to find true friendship. Kaw talaga, nagpapa-cute ka lagi sakin gumawa ka pa ng paraan para maging sa bahay mo ang tambayan namin. Although madalas I take you for granted at nababaling ang tingin ko sa iba huwag kang magselos kasi nasa iyo parin ang loyalty ko. Kung madalas parang wala sayo ang atensyon ko pag may date tayo, sorry, dont worry.. you're who i dream about naman e. Kung tuwing tumatawag sa akin ay ayaw kong makinig dahil may hinihintay akong ibang tawag sorry. Priority parin naman kita e. Minsan nagcool-off tayo dahil narin sa kagagawan ko, sorry. Now i realized my life my life will never be complete without you. Kung nawawalan ako ng tiwala sayo dahil feeling ko di mo na ako mahal, sorry. Alam ko naman na ALL WE NEED IS LOVE and TRUST in our relationship. Kung masyado akong demanding at masyado akong nagpapa-spoil sayo, sorry. Alam ko naman kahit di materyal na bagay ay mahalaga parin. Kung madalas di ko magawa na makipag-PDA sayo sorry. Hayaan mo, mula ngayon magiging demonstrative na ko. Kung madalas di ko nasasabing thank you o i love you sorry pero deep inside naman i really love you and thank you. Kung madalas napapanis ka sa kakahintay sa akin at di ako dumadalaw man lang sayo, sorry. Di ko talaga sinasadya. Kung madalas ay insenstive ako, sorry, ramdam na ramdam ko naman ang TLC mo e. Salamat dahil kahit may relationship ay pinapabayaan mo ako mag-decide for myself. Mi mo ako pinepressure. I love you kasi kahit madalas ikaw lang ang kumikiolos sa relationship natin e di ka sumusuko. And if ever I find a new love, kahit kailan hindi tayo pwedeng magbreak kasi i could never live without you. Salamat sa lahat ng mga gifts mo sakin kahit na i dont return your favor. Sobrang in love na in love ako sayo. I love you.

Eunice
(written when i was a freshie in hs)

A PICTURE OF SPENCER REYES

with the "ang gwapo mo talaga. dance wizard" note

(i cannot believe im posting this)

A Card given to me by Bebert, one of my closest friends in HIGHSCHOOL. Di ako na-offend kahit na ganito ang design.

A Card from UTOL LEIDA


We all have gone far... let's not let go of the memories. That's all we really have.

Patay tayo Jan! Ano ba talaga?

He Is More Than a Hookup

You've fallen pretty hard for this guy, which could be a great thing. But if he's just looking for a hookup, this spells trouble. If your guy wants something serious, than by all means, step things up. Otherwise, find someone else who's interested in more than a fling.

Is He Just a Hookup?

Your Ideal Relationship is Friends Only

Honestly, you're not really ready for a relationship right now. And you prefer to keep things platonic, for now. That's not to say that one of your friends could be dating material. You're just taking a break for now.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Do You Know Who You Are?

"The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."
-Lost in Translation

That's the bigger problem. One of the hardest things in life is to know who you really are and what you want. I personally have no idea WHO I REALLY AM. It's a continuous quest towards that realization or enlightenment. Maybe it's the reason why i easily feel upset when things go wrong. I maybe afraid that things will be too screwed up that it will be hard to go back to the path of tranquility. I wish my stuffed toys will really talk to me. Then i can finally say that im insane. Hollywood style.

ISANG BAGSAKAN NG IMPORMASYON.

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

How You Life Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them.

How Do You Live Your Life?

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Your Birthdate: May 14

With a birthday on the 14th of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas, and you are also very good at organization and systematizing. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine, and rebel against it. You have a tendency to shirk responsibility.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Herbalist. Where You Lived: Ukraine. How You Died: Natural causes.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words. You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel. People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation. When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life. You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first. You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker. You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 20% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky. Like mother nature, you want to help everyone. You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive. A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker. You are good natured and people enjoy your company. You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your French Name is:

Laetitia Lemaire

What's Your French Name?

A Three-part Monologue for Three Different Butterflies

I talked to a friend today. Someone from a past i'd rather not remember. I dont know why i said yes, or why i even bothered to answer. It just felt right. I know it's wrong but it felt right. I needed to feel the warmth that comes from someone whom, in his most twisted way, cared for me. I AM A MASOCHIST. There, i'm admitting it. I AM AN OPTIMIST. I still believe that things will somehow get better for me. I AM A FOOL. I told myself over and over again that i should never EVER be with someone who can't take care of me nor with someone who needs more caring than i do. I AM FRAGILE. My strength is my weakness. I AM IN DENIAL. I know not of how to admit the fact that i am hurting. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN YOU CAUSED ME BY NOT SAYING GOODBYE. The more painful fact is that I still want to be there for you. I AM A MARTYR.
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I needed you. I couldnt bear to say it. I told you I dont want to be a burden to anyone. When i saw your name pop out I felt relief. I felt like I can finally talk about the pain that he caused me tonight. But you were in a hurry. I do not blame you. I just thought you need to know. I NEEDED YOU. It's not an "I NEED YOU I WANT YOU TO BE ALWAYS THERE" stint, it's an "I NEED YOU BECAUSE I TRUST YOU" situation. PLease don't let go of the friendship. Please dont make me go through this again.
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Masaya ako na tumawag ka. Salamat dahil sa lahat-lahat ng mga taong pwede mong kausapin, ako ang napili mo. Gusto kitang puntahan, akapin at sabihin sayo na pinapangiti mo ko. Hindi ako nagkamali nang pinili kong maging kaibigan ka isang taon na ang nakakaraan. Siguro nga ganito lang tayo, magkaibigan na nanonood ng sine, magkaibigan na nagkakape, magkaibigan na nagtatawagan pag may nakakatawang nangyayari, magkaibigan na nag-uusap pag nakakaramdam ng takot, magkaibigan na kumakanta ng walang humpay at sumasayaw sa kabila ng mga problema sa buhay. Magkaibang-magkaiba ang mundo natin pero tuwing magkasama tayo, nabubuo ang isang bagong mundo na tayo lang ang nakatira. Aaminin ko na, mabait ka talaga. Sinasabi ko lang na masama ka dahil gustong-gusto kong nakikita ang kunot sa noo mo habang pinagtatanggol mo ang sarili mo. Masyadong mapula ang mga labi mo, pag nag-uusap tayo siguro napapansin mo na napapatingin ako. Wag kang mag-alala, wala akong balak na halikan ka. Tama nang ang mga pisngi lang natin ang nagtatama. SALAMAT dahil sa ngayon, ikaw naman ang nagpapangiti sa krung-krung mong kaibigan na umiibig nanaman yata. Wag ka na muna mambabae, ako na lang muna ang babae mo. Bagay naman tayo e.

The Quest for the Missing Tsinelas

“Ang tunay na pag-ibig ay parang tsinelas, gaano mang karami ang sapatos na dumaan, ang tsinelas parin ang iyong babalik-balikan…”

Nahanap mo na ba ang tsinelas mo? Ako hindi pa.

Madami nang nagdaan na sapatos sa buhay ko, ung iba nakatago parin hanggang ngayon sa bodega. Di ko maitapon-tapon kahit na alam ko namang di ko na iyon magagamit. Tulad nun combat boots na ginamit ko noong COCC palang ako sa hayskul. Ang combat boots ay kumakatawan sa kanya na matagal nang nandiyan. Alam kong ayaw ko nang gamitin pero dahil sa sobrang dami nang alaala na nagawa naming kasama ang isa’t-isa, kung minsan ay bigla na lamang akong napapadpad sa bodega para tignan at balikan ang mga alaala.

Meron naman akong isang sapatos na sobra sa kabaduyan. Noong binili ko yun, lahat ng tao sinasabi sa akin na di sya maganda. Pero matigas ang ulo ko, sa aking pananaw, ako ang makakapagpabago sa kaniya. Akala ko pag ako na ang nagsuot ay magmumukha na syang sosyal, di bakya. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba, gusto ko siyang suotin. Pero pagkatapos ng maraming kahihiyan, sumuko din ako. Natanggap ko din na di lahat ng sapatos bagay sa akin.

Meron din namang sapatos na gustong-gusto ko pero di ko mabili-bili. Ito yun tipo ng sapatos na alam kong mas bagay sa ibang paa. Iyong tinitignan ko na lang mula sa malayo. Sapatos na kahit kalian ay di ko mabibili dahil masyado mahal o di lang talaga maganda tignan sa paa ko.

Meron akong paboritong sapatos. Ung kahit na ilang beses na nasira, pinipilit ko parin ipagawa. Kahit na gaano na katagal at kahit na marami na gasgas, sa paningin ko ay nakakapagpasaya parin ito sa akin. Sya ang sapatos na minsan masakit isuot, pero kahit ganun sinusuot ko parin dahil alam kong maganda. Nasasaktan man ako ay di ko inaalintana dahil sa paningin ng iba, ito ay ang sapatos na pinakanararapat sa akin. Gusto ko rin naman pero may mali. May kulang na “oomph” kumbaga.

Masarap din sa paa ang sneakers. Pang-harabas na masasabi. Ito yung kapag may gagawin ka na kakailanganin ng lakas e sinusuot mo. Ito un ginagamit mo pag sawa ka nang masaktan. Ito un ginagamit mo pag gusto mo lang na may masuot kasi sa kanya ka pinakakumportable. Ito yung nagpupuno sa kawalan ng tsinelas sa buhay mo. Ito yung kahit na alam mo na sa katapusan ay mawawala din sya at mapupudpod at darating din ang panahon na di mo na siya masusuot dahil napagod na rin sya ay inaasahan mo parin. Mawawala rin sya dahil ayaw na rin niya na maging panakip-butas lang sa mga pangangailangan ng paa mong pagod na.

Yan ang storya ng paa ko.Marami nang kalyo, marami nang gasgas pero patuloy parin sa paglakad. Kahit na ilang beses na nasasaktan, tuloy parin sa pagsuot ng mga sapatos na mukhang magtatagal. Kahit na di ganun kaperpekto ay patuloy parin sa paghahanap ng sapatos na maglalabas ng kagandahan na di na masyadong nakikita.

Sa tingin ko walang masama sa pagsusuot ng sapatos. Ang tsinelas naman kasi masyadong mahiyain, masyadong tahimik. Yung iba nahanap na nila ang tsinelas nila, pero ako umaasa parin na balang-araw, ang tsinelas na un ay bigla ko na lang makikita habang naglalakad-lakad ako at patuloy na hinaharap ang mabakong kalsada ng buhay. Pero habang wala pa siya ok lang. Marami pa namang sapatos na magtatakip ng kalungkutan at kapaguran ng mga paang ito.

Destructive Optimism

jersee_d_goddess :they're not supposed to drain you, they're supposed to give you more life. kids are still kids, they have this aura of peacefulness that emanates from em
jomitorrijos: optimistic ka noh?
jersee_d_goddess: uhmm, at times. pero kids kasi, i love bein around them,
jomitorrijos: i guess when you are sick youll understand that it’s very hard. very very hard and depressing.healthy kids are far from sick kids i felt the difference. sorry dark yung mood ko. i just listened to the care eh from the radio
jersee_d_goddess: im sorry. i guess im too delusional. and i guess i dont really understand. but if there's something i know, even sick kids have a different perspective.
jomitorrijos: well im not generalizing din naman. and there’s always a different perspective on everything
jersee_d_goddess: i feel so shallow tuloy.
jomitorrijos: each kid is unique diba. so maybe. i only have theories. i am a contradicting theorist.
jersee_d_goddess: we all have theories. and u know,they dont need you to be depressed for them. :)

I don't need people to be depressed for me. I'd like to think that my life is still "less than perfect" and that i should be happy. After all, nobody’s perfect. Everytime I get the chance, I pray to God for contentment. But at times I feel that it's so hard to compromise the concept of contentment with the concept of aspiration. When do you draw the line between being happy with what you have and wanting more? I have all these things that I still continue to ask for but when can you say that enough is enough? It’s so hard to be an optimist when you’re surrounded by so much pessimism. Yet, I’m also scared that my optimism is purely superficial, that I am optimistic because I’m outside the real world. It’s like I’m just window shopping and all I do is look and make conclusions about what I see inside a store that I refuse to enter.

Prelude to the TSINELAS AT SAPATOS entry.

"Ang tunay pag-ibig ay parang tsinelas, kahit na gaano kadami ang sapatos na dumaan... hahanap-hanapin mo parin ang tsinelas."

kay: naku yunis..isang paalala lang...SAPATOS PA RIN SHA, SA AKING PANANAW
jersee: hahha.. wag ka mag-alala Kay. kung sakali man na sapatos parin sya, at least isa syang "kikay" na sapatos. in other words, isa sa mga faves ko.
smyle_khyle : tsktsktsk. maswerte siyang sapatos
kay: yan ba ay tulad ng pink na sapatos na kahit masira ay pilit mong ipapaayos para mgamit uli? o after masira, tapon agad?
jersee: uhmm... un pink kong sapatos na nasira ay nanjan lang, nakatago.. pag may time ako papaayos ko. so ganun din un, pag may "time" pa ako, pwde pa ko mag-stay.
kay: nakuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
jersee: unless makabili na ko ng bagong sapatos na mas gusto ko.
kay: gumaya ka kasi sakin...nahanap ko agad ang tsinelas..bwahahahaha
jersee: e malapit na ko mag-shopping ulit..
kay: napakamatalinhaga ng ating conversation
jersee: este nagwi-window shopping na uli ako
kay: baka naman nakapgshop ka na, anjan na si ***** eh...wehehehe
smyle_khyle : bakit ka magwiwindow shopping??
jersee: kasi naman, di pa kasi ako "tsinelas" person..
smyle_khyle: really
kay: bakit window shopping lang?
jersee: haha si ****? isa lang syang comfy na sapatos.
kay: bilhin mo na!
smyle_khyle: what made you say that dahan dahan lang kay
jersee: un tipong sneakers, di ako mahilig pero pag tinatamad ako magstilettos sya sinusuot ko
kay: comfy na sapatos? e di sha yung pangmatagalan
smyle_khyle : true
jersee: ang sya naman nito, gagawa ako ng entry tungkol dito.
smyle_khyle : pero, ang pangit kasi kung sawa ka na, dun ka lang babalik
jersee_d_goddess : un sneakers naman kasi, un talaga un papel sa buhay ko. at lam naman nya un. we just hangout. we "chill"
jersee: at kaya di ko pa nahahanap ang tsinelas ko, kasi nga sapatos parin ang hilig ko sa ngayon.
smyle_khyle : no more no less
jersee: shit, mas madali intindihin ang lovelife pag ganito. that explains why marami na ako kalyo.. kasi puro"sapatos" sinusuot ko. kung nakita ko na ang tsinelas, maghihilom na un mga kalyo.
kay: naku, tumatanda ka na..kelangan comfortable na ang mga ginagamit mo, yung hindi nasstrain ang muscles mo..dapat tsinelas na
jersee: haha.
smyle_khyle: tama
kay: ang weird ng usapan natin bakit ka napapagod sa mga nakaw na sandali?hehe
jersee: ibig ko sabihin, di na ganun ka-exciting. ang predictable na kasi.
kay: naku....di ba ganun naman ang sapatos...habang tumatagal..na-aanticipate mo na ang feeling kapag isusuot mo sha...
smyle_khyle : w8. seryoso. no more ****?
jersee: ha?
smyle_khyle : give up ka na k sa KANYA?
jersee: im gonna stop whining over "US".kasi it's not helping. if something's gonna happen, then something's gonna happen. napansin ko lang kasi na halos lahat ng mga entries ko tungkol na sa kanya.
smyle_khyle : okay. was there ever an us?
jersee: sya pinanggagalingan ng negativity. haha

its really hard to go on living while loving someone secretly, it hurts to see the one you love happy with someone else...but the most painful thing about hidden love? (after a long pause....) it never fades away...

BLast from the Past

pic #1: "lovers" Mirla and Modex w/ Mr. "im in Love" Gerald - pic#2: the gigolo / pic#3: lovebirds Paul and Ivee w/ Leida

Last night, i met up with people whom i haven't seen in ages. My highschool friends. The whole idea started when Mirla and I bumped into each other online. She updated me with the "latest news" about my highschool acquaintances. Most of the news were kind of disappointing, and because we got caught up in the "reminiscing mood" we decided to have dinner. She texted everyone and a few chosen ones replied. Thus, the dinner date with 'em.

pic#1: former seatmates Leids, Yunis and Mir / pic#2: B1 at B2

As usual they went to my house. It's a tradition, we either meet up here or at Ivee's. It's hard to explain why, but that's just how things are. We waited for Leida and then went straight to Pancake House Rockwell where the lovebirds Ivee and Paul were waiting for us. I was with Leida, Gerald and the going strong couple, Mirla and Josepher. We were all kind of "sabik" sa isa'isa. Ang saya. After a sumptuous dinner and a very comprehensive discussion about politics, showbusiness, other people's lives, school rivalry at whatever's we went to.......... STARBUCKS. Nabigla kayo ano? haha.

We talked about going into a business venture since we all came into an agreement that Taguig is fastly developing and that there is no way we'll be leaving our beloved "NOW A CITY" haha. I suggested that we build a prostitution den with Gerald as our first and only gigolo. Why not diba? Leida told us that Angelo underwent an operation to take his tonsils out. OH well. I miss that guy. My childhood crush. Ngii ang petty. We also talked about our "other friend" whose now living in with his 3-month pregnant girlfriend. Sadness pero it's his life. At si Gerald, he's allegedly "in Love". That's a FIRST. haha. Just kiddin bro. All in all t'was a really fun fun fun night. I had no idea that i missed them sooo much. We decided to make this whole getting together a more "regular" thing so next Saturday, i'm playing badminton with them. Woohoo. Excited na ako. Kay saya talaga dahil Sembreak.