For Lack of Better Ideas...

... i'm just commenting on my daily romantic horoscope:

It's not about trying to look good or make a great impression -- it's about doing what makes you happy and letting that joy radiate from the inside out. Set out to have fun, plain and simple, and see what happens.

doing what makes me happy... i dunno what'll make me happy now.

You're someone who appreciates -- heck, revels in -- the earthier pleasures of life. So when it comes to fun, all you need to make you happy is some friends and some really fine food. Make dinner at your place tonight.

so that explains it. friends and food'll make me happy. sa horoscope ko lang pala malalaman ang mga kasagutan eh. ngii. sana ganun nga kasimple.

Bakas ng Kaantukan

For Philo of Law, the biggest challenge is for you to stay awake. So, to stop myself from journeying to Neverland right in front of my professor, i write. I didnt have the chance to type my random thoughts so i'm just gonna put 'em in one entry. Halo halo na ito. Isang magulong post. Random kung random. Mga doodles na nakasulat sa likod ng aking notebook.

On Caring

We begin to care when we begin to doubt. Caring for someone is such a complicated emotion. You at times find yourself thinking of how you can make life better for that person only to realize in the end that you have your own inadequacies... and that these might tear your worlds apart.

-----------------------
Runnin Out

I'm running out of words to write,
of stories to tell,
of moments to remember,
of emotions to feel,
of tears to shed,
of hope to hold on to
of the passion to keep fightin
of love to smile about,
of happiness to look forward to,
of everything that matters.
But the list goes on and on... and it never runs out.
------------
It never occurred to me to quit. When you're at the last step of achieving your long-time dream, quitting is not an option.

These past few days, the harshness of my new life has become unbearable.

I'm not absolutely unhappy. This is something that i want. It's a case of wanting something too much that it drains the life out of you.

"Eunice, are you really smiling, or are you smiling to stop the frown from showing?"
-------------
Do people take me seriously or will i forever be stuck in the blackhole of pseudo-apathy that people push me to become?

I never use big words to express myself. I feel that it will take away the simplicity of my thoughts. I cannot afford to be too complicated anymore. Life's complicated without me exerting any effort anyway.
--------------

ANO NANAMAN ANG NANGYAYARI.

Tinatamad ako pumunta ng Rockwell. Umuulan pa naman. Ang sarap magpaka-mantikang matulog. But nooooo, CONSTI report sa Monday. Walang karapatan magmaganda.

Nakakatamad. Nakakatamad. Nakakatamad.

Sana bigla dumating si marc nelson sa bahay ko tapos kakargahin nya ko hanggang Rockwell. Argh.

nakakatuwa un friendster meron na syang "send a smile" feature. tina-try ko send-an lahat ng mga friends ko. wala lang. para naman matuwa din ako.

un brother ko di naligo today. may laban sya ng volleyball sa UST ng 9am, nagising sya ng 9am. Kung di lang sya nakakaawa laughtrip talaga un sitwasyon nya. Buti na lang umulan, napostpone yata un unang laban sa kanila.

ang sarap nun sinigang na kinain ko. magluluto sana ako, but nooooooo, masaya na ko sa sinigang ni Mommy.


nanonood ako ng Batman ngayon, si Jim Carey ay isang cute cute na kontrabida.

Ito ang aking Daily ROmantic Horoscope:

Just because you're indecisive doesn't mean you don't have anything to say. Quite the opposite, actually -- so share your ambivalence with a certain someone and see what they can do to convince you.

-------------
Payn Alpayn.

An Entry about Princess Milkshake's Birthday Bash and the COMMITMENT-havoc that is Me.

I'm just so glad Yvie liked what we did. In the law school, we should try to do li'l things to uplift each other's spirits...We got to meet Yvie's Bebe Joseph, finally. After a long time of being merely a semi-fictional character that we read about in her blog entries. He was kind of shy, but who wouldnt be shy around really loud and weird people like us? Uhmm, yeah.. ME.

I didnt do well in Crim's midterms. But it isnt enough to make me feel like shit. After all, the WORSE or WORST is yet to come.

Haze said something last night that made me think. She perceives me to be not serious about this "WHOLE ROMANTIC THING" that's been sorta-unraveling. I'm not really sure what i want from this rendezvous. After all, nobody's saying anything about taking it to the next level anyway. But i value it, i really do... and it's undeniable that there IS a connection. But this old me is resurfacing... Shit, im thinking again. This is the 2nd level of my ROMANTIC DOOM cycle. I will not run away from this. We'll see. We'll see. This might be IT.

Segue:
Nga pala, si Backstreet guy ay nasa Starbs yesterday. Naka-glasses. Cute. Nakalong sleeves. Cute. May kasamang girl. Di cute. Hmmp. Bakit ngayon ka lang? hehe.

Whew.

I [finally] got called to recite in Persons and Family Relations today. I think i did pretty ok. 27 cases in Constitutional Law?! I was literally shaking while waiting for my doom. Melo, Yves, Shem and Haze all got called. I'm still a lucky gal. But then again, i already got called in Persons.

Quotable Quote:
"Arent you gonna check on the background of the kid you're about to adopt? Dont you have a say? What if his name's Chucky?" - Persons prof.
[ayun na, takutan ito?]

I think Ana and Pepe belong together. Sana nakita nyo sila sa Tokyo Tokyo at narinig nyo ang mga hirit nila. Laughtrip.

According to Shem, Yves' Fafa Joseph'll be going to Rockwell tomorrow. Finally, we'll meet Sannet's love of her life. BEBE JOSEPH. Excited na kami.

Melo's text. "Naalala kita dahil tinugtog ang LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK" I dunno why. Therefore ito na ang LSS ko for the night.

Jots gave Ana and me a ride "home" and we thank him for that. Sa uulitin. (Winks)

Ode to a Newfound Friend

I shouldve given you a hug for being so bold,
for sharing the story of your life
notwithstanding the fact that i'm a li'l more
than a stranger. Thank you for entrusting me
with your emotions, i wish i'm as brave.
I shouldnt have broken down
but i did. I was hoping i could be the "stronger" part
of the conversation. You have managed to take a peek
at that side of me that i most of the time try
not to show. T'was a pleasure listening to you
as your story unfolded through your sincere words.
T'was a pleasure journeying
with you in an emotional rollercoaster amidst everything
that's ordinary. I shouldve hugged you
because when our conversation ended, i felt so sad
not only for you but for the fact that i never
got to tell anyone my "real story". I shouldve hugged you
not because you need it, but because at that time,
i felt that i needed it. I dunno if i really have a gift
for listening, but you sure have a gift for cutting through
the "ice" that is me. You dont have to thank me,
i'm grateful to you too.

Strangers.

Stranger no. 1:
S: Where you at?
Euns: Home
S: Wanna go out?
(sayang i have class. kung nagkataon this is my first "pseudo-date" in ages.

Stranger no.2:
Casablanca : o baket ka naman naging neglected
Nice: mahirap i-explain. one of my "episodes" lang.
Nice: thanks for askin nyway
Casablanca : ngek
Casablanca : senti mode ka?
Nice: mejo eh.
Casablanca : o baket naman
Nice: stress lang siguro.. diba lahat naman tayo may ganitong moments. un bigla ka lang napapaisip .. naiisip mo un mga inadequacies mo.
Casablanca : ehehe
Casablanca : ngek
Casablanca : tinutulog ko na lang yung ganyan
Casablanca : saket sa ulo lang yan e
Casablanca : baka maiyak ka ha
Nice: i knooow. but the thing is, i cant sleep. i need to study for a loooong class day tomorrow. argh.
Nice: maiyak? naku, normal na yan sakin. merjo fragile ako these past few weeks eh..
Nice: kadiri nga e
Casablanca : tension lang yan
Casablanca : baket d ka makatulog
Casablanca : tsk tsk
Nice: kasi nga i still need to read a lot of cases.
Casablanca : hehe
Nice: di talaga ako sanay magkwento tungkol sa mga malulungkot na bagay eh. so sa pagsusulat ko lang nagagawa un.
Casablanca : baket ka naiiyak? school-related?
Casablanca : hehe lagi ka namang nagsusulat e
Nice: hmm.. not entirely.
Nice: yeah, i know. ang ibig ko lang sabihin, mas comfortable ako na nilalabas un emotions ko through writing.
Nice: un unknown un readers.
Casablanca : lovelife ba yan
Nice: argh. not entirely.
Casablanca : unknown naman ako e...dito lang tayo magkakilala hehe
Nice: basta halo-halong kalechehan.
Casablanca : ano ba yan?sexlife?
Casablanca : hehe
Nice: kaya nga. hehe. tama. kaya nakakapag-usap tayo.
Nice: sex life? never had sex.
Casablanca : onga pala
Nice: oo, virgin pa ko. di lang halata.
Casablanca : baka kaya ka naiiyak..kasi never had sex
Casablanca : joke lang hehe
Nice: pede rin.
Nice: laughtrip ka.
Casablanca : hehe
Nice: thanks. i appreciate this.
Nice: napagusapan na natin to db?
Nice: dapat ko na talaga yata tanggalin un collage na un.
Nice: delikado na ang aking reputasyon.
Casablanca : alen napagusapan? ung pagsesenti mo?
Nice: di, ang pagiging virgin ko. natatandaan ko.
Casablanca : reputasyon... hehe... baybayin mo... re-putas-yon hehe
Nice: di ko lam kung pano ako magre-react.
Casablanca : oo nga...frigid ka ata e hehe
Nice: far from it.
Casablanca : so mas frigid pa?
Casablanca : hehe
Nice: ayan. tama.
Casablanca : hehe
Casablanca : kaya ka pala naiiyak e.. natutunaw na yung yelo sa katawan mo
Nice: nawawala na ang momentum ko. laughtrip ka
Casablanca : hehe
Casablanca : baka madapa ka pa jan sa momentum mo e
Nice: tama.
Casablanca : hehe yaan mo
Casablanca : wag mo na iyakan sexlife mo...dadating din yan
Casablanca : hehehe
Nice: sana un na lang ang problema ko, ang dali humanap ng solusyon.
--------
At least these conversations made me smile.

Neglected.

It's been a while since i actually felt appreciated. Really appreciated. I dunno, there's something about my life that makes me think everything's superficial. That people arent really happy that i'm around. That they can actually go on living their lives without having to think of me. That i never really make that much of a difference to the people i interact with.

Ever felt like you wanna just walk real slow to find out if someone'll look back to ask why you're a step behind? I did. Ever felt like you wanna just sit back, not talk and observe.. hoping that even for a second, someone'll notice that you're not saying anything? I did. Ever turned the volume of your MP3 player to its maximum to drown out all the voices that are in your head because in the end, there's really one voice you'd rather hear? I did. Ever read someone else's blog hoping that you'll at least get a glimpse of how they perceive you to be only to realize that they didnt bother to say anything about you? I did. It sucks. The worst part is, you know that there's really no one to blame. You know that your attempt to find the answers to that ONE QUESTION that's been bothering you is just so futile that there's nothing left to do but forget about the idea.

There are moments when i feel i have given myself the task of making other people laugh only because i am desperately waiting for that someone who will share this burden with me. What am i doing wrong? A lot of what if's and if only's are slowly resurfacing again, bruising my already scarred ego. If only im thinner, if only im smarter, if only im more "mahinhin".. What if i didnt do this, what if i didnt meet him, what if i didnt choose to be this clown?

The clown never gets the girl [guy]. - Ed

I'm surrounded by a lot of really warm people.. but why do i feel cold? Abandoned? Alone? When will i be numbed by these hurtful emotions?

Set the Date! Set the Date!

A lot of things happened today because my day started really early. I was in Makati 'round 8am already for a "Tour" around the Makati City Hall. T'was fun.

I wanna say sorry to you whom we have hurt through our insensitive remarks. T'was an unintentional felony, alam kong may liability pero sana mabigyan mo kami ng "pardon".

I got to talk to Mr. Hotness No More no.1 today. Wala lang. We finally got to tour our Library. We saw Rocker Dude and we all made a big fuss out of it. Maliit nga lang sya. Kawawa naman magiging anak namin, "vertically-challenged". He looked good in Red.

Melo and Ceia came up with their songs for me. They feel like these 2 songs embody my "situation" as of the moment.... "Torpe" at "Tell Me How You Feel". I love the 2nd song. Pero uhmm, nananatiling "walang progress" ang istoryang ito. Come on, ask me out. Ika nga ni Charlotte sa Sex and the City ... "Set the date! Set the date!" But he's rarely online and i dont think he ever tried reading my blog, so he wont get this hint. Nananatili kang nangunguna sa aking listahan kahit na bata ka pa at di mo ko tinext. Hahahaha.

Ito ang gabi na naglakad ako mag-isa sa dilim upang maghanap ng cab. Keri lang, "sanay ako". The non-perk of NOT HAVING A GUY. Minsan lang ako magpaka-damsel in distress ngunit wala naman akong knight in shining armour. I'm dead beat. I wanted to stay in Starbs but i feel sooooo exhausted. Thanks Jots for looking at me in the eye and for saying, "Eunice, magpahinga ka na." Sometimes i have to be reminded. Ika nga ni Jay habang nakangiti, "Mukha kang bangag." THanks for pointing that out. Thanks Yumi for the "concerned look" you gave me when i told you about my going home dilemma. Sa totoo lang kinabahan ako, but a girl's gotta do whatta girl's gotta do. Sanay naman ako mag-isa. Iskolar ng bayan eh. Hehe.

My friend Japh pressured me into going to the Premiere night of Perfect Catch. Buti na lang game si Shem at Ana, i hold myself responsible pag nagkalat kami sa recits namin tomorrow. In fairness, i appreciated the flick's humor and i was sighing the whole time because it's a certified "Kilig movie". I wish someday i can also say this line...

"Everything you feel about that thing you're passionate about.. I also feel...
FOR YOU

------------
Tulugan na.

I'm Creeping ME Out.

I was looking at his pictures as if it's the normal thing to do. I am officially creeping myself out for checking his Friendster profile every time a get the chance. The last time I was like this, things ended catastrophically. Now, if I can only focus on the facts and pay attention to the real life. I should be studying. I shouldn’t be whining about things which cannot positively contribute to my now shitty and totally out of control life. His pictures are on the other window. By clicking alt-tab I can once again look at him and contemplate on why I think we have a chance. But I’m scared that if I start thinking again, I might think my way to doom. Tangina. Wala pa ngang sign na gusto ka niya nababaliw ka na sa kakaisip. For all we know, isa ka lang sa maraming close girl friends na meron siya. Hindi ka pa ba nasanay? Lagi ka kayang "the in-between-girl". The girl after a past relationship, before a future relationship, but never in the present relationship. Tangina.

I read Mister Slyde's blog today. It got me into thinking about how good it will be to sleep and wake up in a totally different place. A better place. But I didn’t surprise myself when I instinctively typed, "I'd rather SLEEP in a way better place. Not waking up is a good option anyway." Where is this pessimism coming from? My life's perfect. My family's great, I have the bestest group of friends. Why is there something way within me that makes me feel like I’m inadequate?

I got to converse with my high school friend Jaycee the other night and he was talking about how he has acquired a totally new perspective with regard to the Catholic church. It occurred to me how things have really changed. High school was just so long ago that if I meet up with my friends now, there probably are gazillions of new things that I will find out about them. It's like we lost that familiarity that we used to enjoy. It was one of the things I used to fear when I was close to my high school graduation. Losing everything that familiar, warm and stable.

Ang ironic. My last entry was entitled Happy Happy Joy Joy only to follow it with a "Creeping me out entry." Damn.

Happy Happy Joy Joy (Koochie koochie koo)

Today was a stress-free day. I went to Mass with my family, saw a few of my highschool friends and went straight to the mall. After another episode of "katakawan 101", we watched Cinderella Man starring Russel Crowe and Renee Zellweger. The film was a-ok, heart-warming, inspirational, superbly touching. I was crying the whole time. When i say i was crying, my tears were flowing like there's no tomorrow. I'm a sucker for these kinds of flicks, feeling ko nakakarelate ako sa kanila.

I was reading Shem's blog and i got reminded that there's something i have to react on. Mel gave a comment regarding attraction and i found myself nodding in agreement... I quote," Just because you find someone handsome / attractive, it doesnt mean that you are crushing on him..." Tama, tama. I'm a very "appreciative" woman with regard to good-looking and yummy men but i'm crushing on a person, it's not even the "seriously crushing on him" kinda thing. It's just another way of saying that he caught my eye. Honestly, i dont see anything wrong about telling a guy that you find him hot, it's just like praising someone for a job well done, for wearing a good piece of jewelry or whatever it is that makes a person praise-worthy. Ok lang kahit malaman ng mga tao sa "Hotness List" ko na kasama sila dun, it's not like i wanna date 'em. Pero sa ngayon, meron isang taong nananatiling gusto ko sanang i-date. Sana'y mabigyan kami ng chance ni Lord. Hindi ko alam kung sign na biglang sinabi ng dad ko kanina, "Wag kang mag-aakyat ng lalaking parang di marunong magpagupit ha?" He was just kidding, still. Parang nakita ko sa friendster si Hot Barister / ROcker Dude na lagi namin namamataan sa Library. Nakita ko na rin un crush ni Ana. Di ko parin nahanap si Backstreet Guy. Sawang-sawa na ako kay Starstruck Moment... ako ba ang dahilan at na-achieve nya ang status nyang ito? masyado ako naging vocal na i USED TO find him hot. Oh well.

Ang hot nun bagong housemate sa Pinoy Big Brother, umaariba si Mam Rakel. She's horny daw. Ayun na. Si SAM ay isang yummy na lalaki. He skates, he's from the states and he's y-u-m-m-y!

Parang may dapat ako isulat pero nakalimutan ko kung ano. Yves promised me na she will try to minimize my appearances in her blog entries, pero i dont really mind. I find it fun nga na lagi ako napapasama sa kwento. Ibig sabihin nun ay unforgettable ang mga pinaggagagawa ko.
---
Funny Conversations

Aldrich (my brother): Tignan mo si Mrs. _____. Ano naiisip mo?
Yunis: Ano?
Aldrich: UN damit nya mukha syang PRAYLE. Kung naging maroon un, mukha sya Nazareno.
(laughtrip)
---------
Mel:(while watching the Pep squad competition) alam ko na kung bakit wala kayong balloons.
Yunis: Bakit?
Mel: Walang balloon na kulay Maroon.
Yunis: OO nga no. (ngii!)
---------
Yunis: Nalulungkot ako na di ko napanaginipan un bunch of BALD GUYS from La Salle's Pep squad. Maganda sanang gising ko kung ganun. Mga tipo namin ni Mel. Matangkad na kalbo. (Your booty shivers me timbers..)
Sis: Alam ko na kung ano un mga tipo mo.
Yunis:Ano?
Sis: Si MR CLEAN!
---------
I watched Gary V's concert and my LSS for the night is....

KAILAN

Bakit kaya nangangamba
Sa tuwing ika'y nakikita
Sana nama'y magpakilala
Ilang ulit nang nagkabangga
Aklat kong dala'y pinulot mo pa
'Di ka pa rin nagpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
Bakit kaya umiiwas
Binti ko ba'y mayroong gasgas
Nais ko lang magpakilala
Dito'y mayroon sa puso ko
Munting puwang laan sa 'yo
Maaari na bang magpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
CHORUS
Kailan (kailan), kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
Kahit ano'ng aking gawin, 'di mo pinapansin
Kailan (kailan), kailan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, 'di mo pa rin pansin
AD LIB
Bakit kaya umiiwas
Binti ko ba'y mayroong gasgas
Nais ko lang magpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
CHORUS
Kailan (kailan), kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
Kahit ano'ng aking gawin, 'di mo pinapansin
Kailan (kailan), kailan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, 'di mo pa rin pansin