Lolo Kit

I haven’t been talking about it, I even went to school the day I found out. People were asking if we expected it, my answer was that well, it crossed our minds, but to say that we expected it, for me, would be an admission that we have given up when in fact, we didn’t. I didn’t. Until the end, I was optimistic about it, thinking that someone so good, well-loved and pure will not be taken away from a world that is desperately in need of someone to whom it can look up to. My Lolo was just that.

If I will be compelled to describe him in one word, I will describe him to be CONTENTED. He wanted things, he appreciated their beauty but he was genuinely happy with what he had. He was that welcoming smile every time we will visit them in Navotas. I had the privilege of living with him a few years when I was still a kid, I must admit that I didn’t have a lot of memories. I can only describe him through what my young mind can remember at that time. The smell of his pillow is still vivid. The smell that was caused by his “pomade” reminds me of that time when I would sleep in lolo’s and lola’s room for siesta. I can vividly remember how he would curse and not mean it, how it was an empty utterance for him that would have to accompany his words to emphasize his point. He was the quiet and reserved one, he wouldn’t talk unless you talk to him first. But when you start talking to him, he’ll be more than glad to entertain you with his own stories. In our visits to Navotas, I would always hear my Lolo talk about the people that he used to help. He did simple things that have big effects on people. I wouldn’t be surprised if people we don’t even know are also grieving for his death.

I had to find out about his death the worst possible way, it was like Lolo didn’t want us to wake up at five in the morning [time of his death]. In the oddest of moments, all of our phones were being charged and were turned off. It was only when it was already nine in the morning that we received the news. I was awakened by my Mom’s scream of grief and disbelief. I rushed to her and I knew. It was a cry that was meant for the saddest of moments. My Mom was repeatedly saying, “Ang Daddy… ang Daddy.” I felt numb, I couldn’t cry because I knew my mom needed me to be strong. While my Dad was hugging her, whispering words of encouragement that I know will never comfort her at that time, my heart was literally breaking. I called my Tito and asked where we should go for the wake. I felt pain, anger and emptiness. I silently prayed and asked God to be with my Mom and Lola. If I am feeling all these things, it will be incomparable to what they would be feeling. When everyone left, and I was alone at home, strength escaped me. I crawled back to bed to cry. I kept saying, “Lolo… lolo” as if it could convince God to give him back to us.

If there is one thing I regret, it will be that I wasn’t able to spend more time with my Lolo in his last days. It seemed like I wasn’t meant to grieve, a lot of things were happening, school started, I have my thesis to take care of, events to attend to and this, arguably, is my busiest year yet. It could be that it was meant to be that way, because if I wasn’t doing a lot of things, I don’t know if I could’ve survived with a lot of time to think and reflect on his death. My Lolo even saved me a lot of times last week. I knew. I couldn’t be more thankful.

Lola Seng told me that Lolo Kit was so proud of me when he was alive. He would always tell people that his apo will become a lawyer soon. It still pains me to think that he wouldn’t be there when I finally become a lawyer. He would’ve been so happy. While I was saying goodbye to him last Sunday, I promised him that I will be the best that I can be for him. I wouldn’t let him down. He can brag about me to Jesus.

I don’t really believe in goodbyes, as cliché sounding as it may sound, I know that my Lolo and I will see each other again. In the meantime, I can close my eyes and remember the smell of his pomada, hear how he would curse to stress a point, see his smile and the way he would lay contently on his tumba-tumba, relive how he would excitedly open the gate for us and ask, “Kamusta?”

Lolo Kit, kami na ang bahala. Relax ka na lang dyan kasama ni God. Di mo na kailangan tumaya sa Lotto, pwede mo na itanong kay God kung ano ang tatamang numero...