Walang Basagan ng Trip

Kung hindi nyo trip ang cyber activism, huwag niyo gawin. Walang pumipilit sa inyo. Siguro nga, sa mata ng ibang perspektibo, napakaliit ng epekto nito kung ikukumpara sa ibang anyo ng aktibismo. Pero ang akin lang, kaya ko wall ito, at kaya ko profile ito ay dahil malaya akong sabihin at gawin ang gusto ko. Kung hindi ko pwedeng gawin dito, saan pa?

Kapareho lang yan ng kalayaan ng kahit sino na i-block o i-hide ang mga posts o tao na sa tingin nila ay nakakapagpapangit ng sarili nilang cyber-mundo.

Ang kalayaan, hindi man totoong hindi limitado, ay kalayaan na marunong rumespeto. Ang pagkumpara sa kung ano ang nagawa mo at nagawa ng ibang tao ay katulad ng pagsasabi na mas mabigat ang problema mo sa problema ng katabi mo.

Kaya nandito ang cyber-espasyo ay para bigyan ng boses ang mga taong hindi kayang makipagsabayan sa buhay na tinatawag mang totoo ay hindi naman masasabing mas totoo sa kung ano ang nakikita, nababasa, at nararamdaman sa nilikhang cyber-kalawakan na ito.

Walang basagan ng trip. Sabi nga ng MYMP, "Hindi lang ikaw, hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan."

The Improved Love

Whoever said that love is a two-way process hasn’t experienced true love. Quote me on that. It’s someone who hasn’t experienced love as it is conceptualized to be, madness. Love is always one-way. That two-way thing? It’s a relationship. To love is to not mind loving and giving more, even if what is received in return are half-smiles, rejections cushioned by the beauty of friendship, and happiness that is founded on pain. With true love, no one feels fooled, no one feels used because everything that it produces is whole-heartedly offered, with or without hope of eventually building a relationship. True love is nothing less than being able to initially self-destruct and ultimately self-construct.  It is independent of what if’s and why’s.

But when and where does it end? It ends when love is not lost but wasted. It ends when your sense of self is downgraded into a concept that cannot stand on “I” alone but on an involuntary "US.” it ends when respect is placed in one corner, ignored and undefined.  It ends when another love begins, like love for self, love for love, love for your love to love.

Even if it ends, it is never really forgotten. The memory of that moment remains. Vivid, and as tangible as it can get, bringing the same surge of emotions that it used to bring when it was bound to end.  Only, you’re stronger. You are more capable of understanding, of surviving, of loving. Only this time you have learned, and with learning is your ability to love better.

Someday, you’ll find it in your heart to love best.

The Hanging Memory

Remember how I would put my arms around your neck

so you can actually feel the beating of my heart?

How you would let this moment linger

by pulling me closer  and letting the space 

(or lack thereof) define

this fleeting memory?

Remember when what used to be a loving embrace

became the agonizing fear that choked us into

letting go?

Remember when I said I love you,

and you said you love you, too?

Don't Be a Stranger

Dear You,

Let me start by saying that I understand why I write to you. Reading all my past letters,  I’ve always thought that I’m doing it for you – that I was writing so when I finally meet you, you wouldn’t be a stranger to me. Now I know better.  I write them not as mere letters but as prayers.

“Did I waste my life?” My friend asked me this question a number of times when he was celebrating his birthday and I would, like instinct, say without a shadow of a doubt that he didn’t. We didn’t. I have to admit, sometimes I feel empty. Sometimes I feel like I could’ve done more than I did. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have succumbed to fear. Maybe I should’ve believed more in my worth.

See, I write to you so I will remember these days. I write to you because I feel that somehow, somewhere, you get me.  I write to you because when my Facebook wall is filled with wedding invitations and baby pictures, I find comfort in knowing that in time, I wouldn’t feel a sting anymore.

I still believe in you. I still believe in us.

One day, when I tell you stories and show you pictures of how I have partied hard, had countless conversations over coffee with friends, and read books to keep myself grounded, you will unequivocally say that it’s time to spend my life with you.  When that day comes, I will gladly inform you that I have been spending it with you – in my heart, in my soul… in my dreams.  

Love,

Me

RH BILL: My Stand While Kneeling Down

I don't think my faith in God and my support for the RH Bill are mutually exclusive. Frankly, it is precisely this faith that pushes me to believe that people should be allowed and, more importantly, be given the OPPORTUNITY to live a life of quality. It is this great appreciation for the blessing that is life that convinces me to dream that the RH Bill, although OBVIOUSLY not a panacea, will strengthen the Filipino family and uphold this sense of responsibility for the future of the next generation.

 When I am asked to kneel and pray the anti-RH  Bill prayer during the Holy Mass, I do kneel and thank God that He has given me the free will to pray my own prayer and the discernment to stand my ground for what I believe is right not only for me but for my country.

We need to give the next generation a fighting chance.

 Pass the RH Bill NOW.

The Deceiving View

Wave Front Beach Resort, Barangay Poctoy, Odiongan, Romblon

We were once like the sea and the clouds seen from afar.

We meet, effortlessly and with conviction.

Yet, the path we pursue do not reveal a point of contact,

One day, I will be someone’s mountain,

So I can meet my sea or reach my own set of clouds.

Forgetting how I was once your sea and you were my unreachable sky.

 

2011.

2011 was a colorful blur. It seriously was. It was a year of parties, cultural trips and eventful career-related drama that didn’t give me the permission to be still. Looking back at the year that was, I can say that it was more than eventful, it was  a year of being bullied into constantly keeping up with what’s happening with my life as well as that of my friends’. It felt like we were a bunch of tributes in our own personal version of Hunger games. It was a celebration of meeting new friends and reconnecting with the old and really reliable ones as we journey and constantly seek that one thing (or one million things, whichever is applicable) that we are passionate about. We weren’t aimless but we were confused.  There were a number of moments where we collectively asked the wonderful one-word question that is, “Why?” and hesitantly moved on. 

Yes. In 2011, we learned to move on.

The running joke that teases 2011 to be a 2012 wannabe may be apt to describe what kept me busy during the year. It really felt like I was out there, trying to do everything I can to try new things, acquire new experiences and indulge in them. That was the perfect word, INDULGE. It was a year of crazy indulgence. If 2011 was to be remembered for something, it was the year that I created an insanely big number of photo albums in Facebook and got me addicted to the lomography effect in Photoshop. It was like I was trying to hold on to every single memory created because it was a year that was worth looking back on.

What characterizes this eventful year will not be the series of major events that transpired because quite frankly, there weren’t a lot of those, but the series of surprisingly unforgettable minor events made special by the company that I had. For this, I am forever thankful.

We had a good run, 2011. You’ve been a bitch, but you’re OUR bitch.

Overweight. Overwait.

You lose what you don’t want to,

retain what you want to be rid of.

You wait and feel the weight.

You weigh if it’s worth the wait.

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image from POSTSECRET

Same Old. Same Ode.

Because what happened is happening,

And I already saw what I’m seeing.

I helplessly felt what I’m feeling.

I’m bound for the same old ending.

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image from Tumblr

The Imagined

"It felt so real.", you ponder. 

Your feeling? Oh, it is real. Sometimes your mind can trick you into believing that you’ve already given everything and done anything to show how much you like a person only to realize that your exhaustion comes not from doing but from mere thinking. 

That after experiencing this imagined but elaborate pseudo-reality where you have allowed yourself to finally free-fall, you open your eyes and remember that you're still alone... or that he was never there. 

It's time to wake up. Enough is enough.

Decluttering Cluttered Thoughts

image from ThingsWeForget

"So just live, make mistakes, and have wonderful times. But never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly, where it is that you are going." - Sex and the City

The Checklist

Last night, my friends and I got into a discussion of how we picture our significant others to be. What would s/he be like? What qualities do we expect them to have that will endear them to us? My answer was simple; he would be someone whom I respect enough to consider his opinion – not exactly to follow what he said but to at least think about my decision in consideration of his stand. That is a big deal for someone who has been making her own decisions for herself all her life. I admittedly cannot change my innate stubbornness anymore, but to have the willingness to consider someone else’s opinion is, at least for me, already a big leap.

Abby told me that my attitude can be quite deceiving. That at first glance or encounter, I would not seem to be intimidating when in reality, I could be quite domineering and controlling. I jokingly declared that this only affirms my inking that I can sometimes be a scheming bitch. Anyway, this whole discussion got me into thinking of how we sometimes allow ourselves to mentally write a checklist of the characteristics of our elusive “The One” not to fully tick every single box but to test who will be worthy enough to make us forget about this checklist.  

We are actually in search of someone who will unknowingly allow us to go beyond our standards because s/he is worth it.

Manifestations of Unconditional Love

Another question that came up was as to how we envision unconditional love as manifested in our everyday interactions. My answer was this, “Unconditional love is someone’s ability to look at me and know that something’s wrong, and without saying a word, taking the time to hug me (preferably from behind) as a silent assurance that everything will be all right and that he will be there to try to protect me.” He will be my constant - the remaining orderly thing in the mess that is my life.

One of my guy friends said that it is easier for women to have an idea of how love is manifested because women are more capable of unconditional love compared to men. I was baffled by this revelation because I have always believed that anyone should be as capable as another in terms of this universal concept that is love. But he explained that with women, it would seem like we are more programmed to love without expecting anything in return. I tried to think about how this has come about and can only come up with one explanation – we are more able to handle loving someone from afar because the society has taught us to not act on our feelings and wait until the man confirms that the feeling is mutual. We are more capable of loving unconditionally because we are able to show our love albeit discreetly without giving away our true feelings.  Society screwed us up.

Sometimes I regret not being able to aggressively pursue the men I like… not that I have not done that in the past, back when I was more carefree and was more ready to feel pain, back when I really had nothing to lose but time. I was fearless because I thought I can afford to lose time. I did not fully understand the concept of time being “of the essence.”

On Being ‘OUT THERE’

"And I'm worried...I, I'm afraid that he took away my ability to believe. And I hate him for that. Because I always believed before. And now I just feel...lost. And I am, I'm trying to put myself out there, but... I feel hopeless." - Sex and the City

“I did not expect you to be a girly girl.” my friend taunted me, when I expressed that at present, I am more inclined to wait it out than actively pursue anyone. I guess it all stems from my evaluation of how I have played the game since time immemorial. Nobody can say that I was not out there because I was, I REALLY was. I have put myself out there, played the part of a journeying romantic, had my heart broken over and over again to find love - only to be stuck in the same place that I was when I started. It has obviously not worked for me. But this is what I have learned – ‘Love has no specific formula and no amount of thinking can ever solve this illogical puzzle.’

But in the end, it will make sense. I need to believe that it will.