I’m writing this piece just so I’ll remember what I felt a few days before I finally am out of this limbo. I have always been the calm one. It could be attributed to the fact that I have been through a lot of dilemmas in the past that didn’t give me the option to panic and pass on my stress to other people. I have lived my life independently, choosing to handle everything by myself and not minding the gravity of the situations that are unfolding before my very eyes. I have learned this skill from my dad. Through the years, I have seen my parents struggle, I have seen my dad handle these situations with grace and finesse that only a man who has been tested in infinitely many times can demonstrate. This does not disregard the fact that I am scared too.
Sometimes, I find myself imagining that exact moment. That exact moment when I become informed of what the future has in store for me has been played and replayed over and over again that I wonder what it would really be like. When I finally get that revered Atty. before my name, I have imagined a lot of crying, of hugging and of praises that are deserved by the only supreme being who made it possible, God. I have it all figured out. I imagine myself to be talking to the people who believed in me, endlessly thanking them for the support that they have unconditionally showered me with. Sometimes, I imagine myself to be looking to the heavens and talking to those who have died but have made it clear that they believe and that they are proud of me wherever they are. My Lola Itang and Lolo Ito, Lolo Kit, Lola Deng, Tita Edith... they are all a part of this even if they are not with us anymore. I imagine talking to them, telling them that I have kept my promise to eventually make them and our family proud. I imagine my parents to be somewhere between hysterically happy and unbelievably sentimental, I imagine my sister, Hazel, jumping around, holding hands with me and reciting her litany of what kind of house I should buy for her in the future. I imagine my brother, Aldrich giving me a pat on the back that says, “Buti na lang pumasa ka. Pinakaba mo ako. Libre naman dyan.” I imagine myself getting ready to go to Good Earth where my fellow new lawyers are waiting for me with bottles of beer on their hands. I imagine myself to be relieved. When I pass…
Of course I could not dismiss the idea that by some very unlucky turn of events, I will fail. And that scene has also played in my head with so much vividness that I find it hard not to believe that its statistical probability is off the charts. But unlike the display of emotion that I imagine the perfect scenario would be, I imagine myself to be calmly going home, smiling at my family and telling them that, “I will bounce back.” People often find it weird that I am calm, that I laugh at the gravity of the situation and that I am able to just brush things off without even feeling a bit helpless. It’s all a part of this grand scheme that is my defense mechanism. I won’t feel great, but I have just achieved this certain sense of security that God has and will always reveal his grand plan if only I learn to listen to him and wait. I imagine myself to be crying, while everyone else is asleep, thinking of how I have broken my parents’ hearts. I imagine myself to be blogging a lot. I imagine myself to be making a lot of jokes about it, just so I can conceal the pain. I imagine myself to be the way I have always been, grounded and optimistic.
But this I have to say, just so anyone who will try to contact me on that fateful day will have an idea how to handle the outcome and just so anyone who are praying and hoping that I finally become a lawyer this week can have a clearer understanding of what is going through and what will be going through my mind with or without that ATTY., “YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.” I know that no matter what the results will be, I will continue to live a wonderful life. I know and I have claimed the fact that my life will be a testimony of how good and merciful God is. I know that I will continue to strive to be the best that I can be even if I fulfill my dreams on my first try or the second or, heavens forbid, on the third, fourth or fifth try (hanggang limang beses lang e. hehe). When we see each other again after the results have come out, one thing will be certain, I will be the same Eunice that you’ve known. I will be there, smiling and making a big fool of herself through her jokes and stories that are worthy of being a reality tv show plot.
While we’re at it, let me take this opportunity to thank everyone who has stayed with me and has decided to stick with me through thick and thin. I am forever proud to have lived a life full of established friendships that are not only worth being thankful for but are worth being proud of. I have always been blessed. When I become a lawyer, I promise to not try to repay everyone, because that would be totally futile to attempt to gauge the value of all the love and support that you have given me, instead, I promise to pay it forward. I promise to continuously become a blessing to others who have not been as lucky as I am in finding love and assistance from wonderful people.
This is how I feel. This is how I will feel. Grateful, grounded and eternally optimistic.
