Present Past

“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
-Shine Down

Present Past

It started with a memory,
It ended without hope.
Now the table seems so empty,
My coffee has turned cold.

We used to talk of wishes,
of life and where we’ve been.
Had I known it was all it could be,
I would have stopped before the end.

This is my goodbye to a thousand reasons to cry.
I fought against my heart, resisted to play my part.
I almost fought for us, but goodbye…
My present past.

We used to end our days,
with short walks and secret fears.
You stole my heart before you wanted it,
You’ll never know I want you near.

This is my goodbye to a love I’ll always hide.
I was ready to lose you, even said I won’t miss you.
I guess we missed the bus, so long…
My present past.

My heart believed and my mind dreamed.
I’ll hold on to you ‘til tomorrow
So you’ll hold on to me today.
When you looked at me and whispered,
“Did you know I can control the wind?”
I sadly smiled and whispered back,
“Then fly with me, you’re all I need.”

Goodbye my present past, our story’s fading fast.
Goodbye my present past, this first song is our last.

Sharing Time (On Airman, Being Pregnant and Cramming)

Ana: May joke ako. Alam mo ba na dalawa ang superheroes sa commercial law?
Eunice: Sino-sino?
Ana: Edi si Warehouse man at Air man.
Eunice: (suya) Ook. Sino uli si Airman?
Ana : Ewan ko.
Eunice : Akala ko sya un host ng Walang Tulugan… si Airman Moreno.
(Ngii!)
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Ginawa ko sya ulit. Pagsakay ko sa MRT from Manila the other day, may isa palang pilahan na for pregnant women lang, with kids and senior citizens… Nun tinignan ko ang pila para sa mga normal na tao… Sobrang haba. So, nun turn ko na, un kahera ay tinanong ako… ‘Buntis po kayo ?’ Binigyan ko sya ng sobrang-saya-ko-i-can’t-believe-you’re-even’questioning me ! smile and said, ‘Opo, three months.’
Sorry Lord. Sorry talaga.
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My “hmmm” thought for the day,

“If life is short and we have a lot of things we want to and should do, aren’t we all, technically, cramming?”

I still think we should do what needs to be done and not wait for the “right moment.” Why? Because we never really know. What if today was your last day? Wouldn’t it be just shitty to not let that person know that you like him? Wouldn’t it be just plain crappy if you didn’t write that stupid letter you’ve been planning to write for your loved ones? Wouldn’t it be just sad not to let that person know that you wrote a song for him simply because you felt it was time?

I hope in the future, when everyone’s “one the other side”, God will let us have the luxury to remember how we felt, what we felt and why we felt things. The saddest thing that could happen is to stare at the person who meant the world to you and not remember… not feel.

I’d like to think that love transcends not only time but eternity. If it doesn’t, oh well, shit happens.

Remembering Bubba Nocom

“I have the body of a god.”

That, and a picture of Buddha were printed on Bubba’s shirt when I last saw him in Promenade for Ateneo Law’s Night of the Arts in February. The shirt was a conversation piece, but he didn’t need one. For anyone who knows Bubba, he is not a man of few words. He was, in fact, the opposite. He can out talk a lot of people I know and believe me, that’s quite an achievement. It could be why we clicked. I don’t remember why and how we got introduced, what I do remember is that we became friends immediately after. We weren’t close friends but I’d like to think that we really were friends. We were two people who would always bump into each other just because we both happen to be at the same place at the same time. Those haphazard meet-ups used to always turn out to be entertaining, interesting, and really funny. He would always have stories that could elicit reactions from me like, “What?” and “No way!” and “Yeah, I agree.” More importantly, Bubba has the capability to make people smile. Not a lot of people have that talent.

He had the most outrageous questions, most radical points of view… without even trying. He was a natural thinker. In the not so many times that we got to hangout, he never failed to ask me how I have been, what I have been doing with my life and he never hesitated to share his own take on things. That’s just who he was, he thinks and has no problems with telling you what he thinks. I’d always joke about his not being able to fully concentrate on his studying; he’d always brush it off as my attempt to start a conversation. I never really complained. Now I know why.

Bubba had to talk a lot because maybe, he had a tiny inkling that his life won’t be as long as the others. He had a lot of questions so we can reflect on them long before he’s gone. Maybe Bubba had to make people smile just so we can look back and remember how he managed to make a mark in our hearts. For me, Bubba had to wear that shirt the last time I’d see him so I can have a first line to this entry.

So, now it could be true. He officially has “the body of a god.” It wasn’t just a witty one-liner but a prophecy. And true to his form, when I found out last night that he had “moved on” to a world where he can have the best conversations he could ever imagine, I gave the same reaction…. I did say, “What?” and “No way!” Only this time, I was alone, shaking, crying, and not really thinking straight. Ironically, I felt his presence because well, I couldn’t concentrate on studying anymore. Gumaganti yata. :) Then I smiled because it was the only logical thing to do. I walked away from Starbucks and nearing the spot where I hail cabs, with teary eyes, messed up hair and panting like crazy, I looked up and whispered, “Bubba, I agree.”

‘Til our next conversation dude. Ipunin mo na lahat ng tanong mo. Magpapakatalino muna ako dito.

DUGTUNGAN

(poem was originally titled “Marking the Close” but since my friends couldn’t help but contribute in Facebook, i just need to repost this, kung gusto nyo pa sumama, GO LANG!)

Sayang nga.
Kasi parang wala nang panahon
at wala na ring pagkakataon.
At kung meron man,
nagkakaubusan na ng rason.
Pero kung nauna ka na sana
At narinig ko na agad,
Di ikaw na ang kasama
At ako na ang rason.
Pero marami nang nangyari
Sa mundo mo
At sa mundo ko
Sa lahat ng pangyayari
Hindi ikaw ang kasama ko
At sa’yo, hindi naman ako.
Sa ngayon masaya naman sana
Kung minsan nakakatawa
Gusto kong sabihin na
Ikaw na lang sana.
Pero ang weird naman non diba? (E.Monsod)

kung minsan may umaaasa
kahit alam hindi naman talaga
mabuti na ang pumusta
kaysa buong buhay ay nag akala. (J.Hernandez)

Ngunit kahit mga panahon ay naaalala
Ang mga tawanan
At mahahabang usapan...
Wala paring panghihinayang
Dahil kahit sandali lamang
Ako’y masaya
Na tayo’s nagkasama (M. Ylagan)

At kung dumating ang panahon na,
ang pagpapaalam ay katumbas ng HINDI NA,
wag mong kakalimutan,na minsan ay dumaan pa…
Para ang pusong nanaghoy at nangulila,
Ay sabihin sa mata kong, tiglan na ang pagluha... (E.Monsod)

at kahit bawal ka mang mahalin,
hindi dahil sa hindi dapat,

at alam natin, alam nila,
na para sayo, hindi ako sapat......

Pero sana naman wag akong pigilan,
Malamang hindi naman ‘to tatagal ng kailanman,

Sa ngayon pagbigyan mo na,
Alam natin, alam nila.

Hindi naman hihingi ng kapalit,
Sarili ko’y hindi ipipilit,
Hindi naman ipagdadasal,
Na sana bukas ako rin ay iyong mahal…

Alam natin, alam nila, na sa ngayon,
Mahal na mahal kita.

Blah blah blah. (D. Pano)

My Little Tribute to Tita Cory

“I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include.”
-Père Henri, CHOCOLAT

As an attempt to stop myself from weeping for Tita Cory’s death, I stopped watching television for a few hours and decided to watch Chocolat instead. I watched it for the nth time and it was one of the best decisions I made in the past months (I haven’t been making a lot, in fact, I haven’t made a few). I have been meaning to write about the death of “the woman in yellow,” but I just couldn’t figure out how. I recognize that I am not in the best position to talk about Patriotism at this point, especially since I started this hiatus to prepare for the bar, four months ago. It felt like I couldn’t give justice to Madame President’s death if I write about something that is not personal. So, I am honoring her by applying her teachings to my life as a bar reviewee, as a struggling future bar-taker…

When we sacrifice, work hard and do our best no matter what, we tend to expect people to understand us and recognize our effort. We feel frustrated that people are not adjusting to us, not being responsive to our needs, not being enough. That is the problem. We have the tendency to blame people for not caring, for not feeling what we feel and for not understanding us that we tend to forget that the essence of sacrifice is not recognition but inspiration. Inspiring others not by imposing on them what we think should be done but by showing them that we are happily carrying our burdens because it is, precisely, ours. Corazon Aquino’s husband was imprisoned and assassinated. Her government was challenged by a series of coups, she was looked down on for not knowing enough… for not being enough. She sacrificed a lot for a country that didn’t only disappoint but even actively hurt her. Then, as an icing to the really sad cake, she got cancer. But she never saw it as a justification to be vengeful, hateful or even the least hurtful. Instead, she saw it as an opportunity to teach everyone the lesson of patience, forgiveness, love and faith.

As bar examinees, we always jokingly say that we have the right to be cranky, to be inconsiderate… to be taken care of. It is perfectly understandable, especially at this point when we feel the pressure of the impending doom that is the Bar Exam. We are so engrossed in our preparations that we forget that other people are living their lives too. The world did not stop turning when we began to study for this supposed make or break exam. These people too are facing challenges that are different from ours. This is not to underestimate the mental and emotional suffering that we all are going through, but this is to remind us that we chose to be here. We must not forget what we are fighting for, why we chose to embark on this journey. It is not to alienate people but to eventually include them in a better life that we wish to have after we achieve our dreams.

It got me into thinking, have we at least said thank you to the people who tirelessly prepare meals for us, who put up with our tantrums that we brand as stressed-induced, to everyone who has irritated us for asking how our reviews are going even if at the back of our minds we know that they mean well, to our family and friends whom we have temporarily excluded from our lives just because we want to focus on the bar? Have we stopped for a while to recognize that we have hurt others by being apathetic, for being unstable, for being the monsters that we have become as we struggle to become supposed better creatures of the law? Have we at least tried?

Do we really have to lose control over how we act, how we feel, how we live our lives? Did we really earn that right? I don’t think so. I take it back, “The bar is not a justifying circumstance for everything.” It mitigates but it still makes us liable for how we have altered our ways and how we unconsciously affected others. There is no excuse for being rude, for being impatient, for being insensitive, for being inconsiderate… for forgetting humanity. Yes, we are having a hard time, but it doesn't give us the right to give others a hard time too. Cory didn't see it that way. She had a lot on her hands too, you know... HER WHOLE LIFE.

What the hell are we complaining about?

Dahil ang Buhay ko ay Isang Aklat ng Maling-Mali!

Ngayong araw na'to ay ang araw na tumapak ako sa lupa ng Supreme Court para pirmahan ang isang bagay na dapat naman sanang napirmahan. Bakit maling-mali?

Unang una sa lahat, di ko kasalanan na walang pirma ang verification ko, dahil ang papel na nabigay sa akin ay PUTOL. Putol sa part na may nakalagay na blanko at naka-type na Affiant sa baba. Grabe. Ako lang talaga e no? Sa buhay ko lang talaga?

Pangalawa, at mas mahalaga... Kanino pa ba nangyayari ito. Kasi usually, sa MRT may special train for Children, Women and Senior Citizens.. so di ko alam na sa LRT ang special train ay para sa ibang category.. KIDS, Senior Citizens and PREGNANT WOMEN. Soooo... Sumakay ako sa train na un. Pero sumakay din ang guard at pinalipat ang mga babaeng sa tingin nya ay di pasok sa kategorya na un. Dito na pumapasok ang pagpapasalamat ko na mataba ako... Mejo tumingin sya sakin, pero para lang wala nang issue, huminga ako ng malalim, pinalaki ang tyan ko at humawak dito... PARA MAGPANGGAP NA BUNTIS. Bakit ito nangyayari sa akin? Ang malupit, ramdam na ramdam ko na nakatingin sa akin ang mga tao dahil tingin nila ay isa akong babaeng buntis na di man lang sinamahan ng tatay ng anak ko na mag-commute sa Maynila... To make matters worse, un isang Senior Citizen ay kinabahan yata na makunan ako kaya in-offer nya sa akin ang upuan nya. Magmamatigas sana akong wag umupo, pero masisira ang disguise ko, lalo pa't naka-heels ako.

So ayun ang buhay ko, isang aklat ng mga bagay na talaga namang MALING-MALI! :D

NINOY's Letter to NOYNOY

"WAITERS"

Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them.
-Will Hayes (Definitely. Maybe)

Someone once asked me, “If you like someone now, would you go for that person even if there’s a big possibility that in the future, you might meet someone better? If you meet an 8.5, wouldn’t you think that you’re settling if there is a possibility that after the bar, you might meet a 9.5?” I didn’t really have the time to think about the right answer, but I remember saying that if I like the person, I wouldn’t discriminate against him just because I met him in a time that is more complicated and volatile than ever. You never know,right?

I recognize that fact that it is logical to wait, but isn’t it also logical to live in the now and stop thinking of the later? It’s true, when you feel lonely, and the only thing that’s keeping you from giving up is the fear that everything you’ve prepared for will be put to waste, you tend to succumb to feelings that are illogical, unexplainable and foolish. Your feelings are magnified, and you mistake something for a totally different thing. But I guess, when you have something wonderful in front of you, you couldn’t bear to wait. If you feel that it’s right, or if there is at least a semblance of rightness in sight, can’t you help but wonder if it is worth taking the risk for… right here, right now? I am a fan of bold gestures but I am the last person you’ll see taking one. Why? Because, if in the past, you have already put yourself out there, and all you got was a discreet gesture that screams rejection, you can’t stop yourself from being scared, or at least from being hesitant about committing another mistake.

I agree with my friend in some way. If you are having doubts, you shouldn’t do anything. If you feel that you are settling, chances are, you are. If there is a tiny possibility or hope that someone better will come along, it will be totally unfair for the 8.5 to be dragged into the complication that is you, looking for a 9.5. We shouldn’t mess other people’s heads with hypotheticals and what if’s because that is just callous and well, unfair. Yet, we agree that life is unfair.

So I have come to the conclusion that… we shouldn’t wait around for people who, like us, are also waiting around. That is just pointless. We shouldn’t limit ourselves to what we want but also give a chance to those who want us. Only when the “waiter” has figured out what to do will we have the right to think of what could be. We should never forget that above all, we should believe that we are worth it and if one person thinks otherwise, you can just laugh about it and hold on to the friendship. It’s true, you never know. Somewhere along the way, it might be a different story. But for now, we must hold on to what we know… and that is, “We are as entitled to our happiness as some people are to their misery.”

And I am claiming my happiness… right here, right now.

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picture from POSTSECRET

On Randomly Organized Things

“We like to look for patterns and find connections in unrelated events. This way we can explain them to ourselves. Life seems neater, or at least less messy. We need to feel that we are in control: it is integral to our self-esteem. We also know, though we deny it, that we are not in control. So we settle for the illusion of control. What if we stopped fooling ourselves?”

– from “Everything Is Random. Deal With It.” By Jessica Zafra

We do it all the time, finding explanation for something that doesn’t need to be explained, labeling something that is intentionally left unlabeled. We all have the need to figure things out because if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not sensible. If it’s not sensible, we figure, there really is no point in waiting around and watching things unfold right before our very eyes. We are an impatient bunch of irrational beings in the guise of being rational. If rationality is what sets us apart from the other members of the animal kingdom, we aren’t really that “different” from them. We still act on instinct, the instinct being “to not believe in randomness”. How else do we explain the overrated use of the famous saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”?

I am no less guilty of this human flaw. I know no one who says, “Que sera sera.” without even a thin line of doubt playing around like a perky toddler in their minds. Knowing why is a NEED that is almost always never fulfilled. That’s just who we are. If we end up meeting someone in the silliest of moments, we say, “It must be fate. We met for a reason.” But the thing is, if only we can stop fooling ourselves, we should be able to see that it was a random twist of fate. It was meaningless until we start analyzing it in destructive ways that are infinitely many. When someone does something that is out of the ordinary, we say, “That can’t be for nothing right? That MUST mean something.” But the thing is, what if the other person just woke up one day thinking, “I feel like doing something randomly sweet today”, and didn’t mean for that random act of sweetness to mean something? It’s just the beginning of a way complicated problem that no one signed up for. We will all miss the point… and the point is simple, ENJOY THE RIDE EXPERIENCE LIFE and KEEP AS MANY MEMORIES AS YOU CAN.

So, I say, let’s just allow things to unfold. If people will stop over-analyzing, they will eventually figure things out. That is the beauty and wisdom behind justiciable controversies; unless there is a real issue at hand that’s not based on mere assumptions, we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves all the time. We should just let things fall into their proper places. After all, if things DO happen for a reason, the reason will have to eventually reveal itself to us in no time. If it doesn’t… we’ll always have beer, and that wonderful thing we call FAITH.

HAPPINESS; Retail and Wholesale

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were having one of our regular online conversations when he let me into his theory on happiness. I was ranting about not being able to sustain a stable relationship and the inconsistent surges of happiness in my life when he asked me, “What if in life, you are not really meant to find that one source of happiness? What if these broken episodes of happiness are what it’s all about? What if happiness is in retail?”

It made sense. In effect, my episodes of happiness have been consistently inconsistent. Yes, the episodes do end, but instead of thinking of these memories as being replaced by newer ones, let’s just say that our happiness is cumulative. It’s rational and a little sad for a romantic. All my life, I’ve had a lot of moments of happiness, from different sources, from different persons whom, at one point, I loved or at least cared about. Following my friend’s theory, my ONE GREAT LOVE does not exist, there are a number of fleeting loves that are like pieces of the grand puzzle that is happiness. The theory is so practical; it fits a lifestyle that is always on the go, a lifestyle that thrives on changes and mobility.

But the real question remains: In a world that is so fast-paced, should we be content with retailed happiness?

Our missing pieces are within us, we feel empty when we allow ourselves to feel empty. If we acknowledge that we have everything we need inside and that we are fabulous on our own, someone equally fabulous will come along and we’ll know that the time for retailed happiness has ended. There’s nothing wrong with retailed happiness, I think this is what makes us grow. If you already feel complete, content and ready to face the world alone, if you’re not looking for the missing pieces of your own happiness jigsaw puzzle anymore, you’ll find another already completed puzzle beside you, not to complete you but to complement you.

Happiness in retail is just a prelude to wholesale happiness… and wholesale happiness begins when we are not looking for happiness for ourselves from other people anymore

On Fountains and Everything that’s Needed to be Said

So, here’s what I’m presently looking at, there are two sets of fountains in front of me, the first set is newer and nearer, but it’s not working, it’s like a pond that’s so calm and steady with a hope or a threat that it WILL work or be active one day. The other set’s working really fine, unruly at times, but moving, and really enticing. Of course, what’s conventional is the set that’s working. Why? Because you know that it works or at least that it has been working longer. I’ve seen fountains before and they SHOULD be working, moving and attractive. They should be able to catch your attention, make you smile and endearingly distract you when there’s nothing to look at anymore. The problem is that it’s far. I’ve been near that fountain before, I have played with the water that gracefully flows and flirtatiously spurts like a ballet dance step. I have been attracted to it before, and it never stopped working, only that it got farther… or I walked away from it or someone else acquired it through extraordinary prescription. But once in a while, in those rare moments that I am alone and lonely, I look at it and ask myself, “Should I walk back and play with it again?” But it’s not a decision that I can make really, because someone else is playing with it now, looking at it like it’s the only fountain for her and they look good together. Even I am convinced that maybe, they are meant to be together and I just paved the way for them to see that. I looked and admired it first, but I was too chicken to call it mine.

Now, the other set, it started out fine, it WAS working… but there is no consistency. It’s nearer, it has witnessed a number of good times too but not as numerous as the memories that I had with the former set. I interact with it almost everyday, with a few moments of emotional connection that makes me think, “This set’s not bad… not bad at all.” The problem is, I don’t know if this set is willing to move with me, for me or if it’s just one of those fleeting connections that work because we’re just both there, because I happen to be walking away from the other fountain and IT was the next fountain that caught my attention. I look at the now under repair fountain and hope that one day, it will work again. It’s soothing, knowing that it’s there, available and not in a hurry. Heck, I don’t even know if this fountain is for me. I look at it and see that it attracts and is attracted to the other passers-by that are constantly wondering what it is doing here, not moving, not flowing. I like this set of fountain, but I don’t know if I like it enough to ignore the working fountain that’s right behind it.

Here’s the thing, I absolutely think that making a decision will be a lot easier if only the second set of fountain can stop being so unpredictable and aloof. If only the first set of fountain can stop moving for a second to give me a chance to clear my mind and look at the other things that the second set of fountain is capable of showing me.

It will be a lot easier if I’m not calling them fountains. It will be a lot easier if everything that’s needed to be said will be said without having to resort to silly metaphors like fountains. i.e. First fountain, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Second fountain, “I LIKE YOU… for now.” Eunice, “STOP TALKING TO FOUNTAINS.”

Yeah, I’m crazy. But in a world where things are so predictably unpredictable, how can you not give in to moments of insanity?