My Little Tribute to Tita Cory

“I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include.”
-Père Henri, CHOCOLAT

As an attempt to stop myself from weeping for Tita Cory’s death, I stopped watching television for a few hours and decided to watch Chocolat instead. I watched it for the nth time and it was one of the best decisions I made in the past months (I haven’t been making a lot, in fact, I haven’t made a few). I have been meaning to write about the death of “the woman in yellow,” but I just couldn’t figure out how. I recognize that I am not in the best position to talk about Patriotism at this point, especially since I started this hiatus to prepare for the bar, four months ago. It felt like I couldn’t give justice to Madame President’s death if I write about something that is not personal. So, I am honoring her by applying her teachings to my life as a bar reviewee, as a struggling future bar-taker…

When we sacrifice, work hard and do our best no matter what, we tend to expect people to understand us and recognize our effort. We feel frustrated that people are not adjusting to us, not being responsive to our needs, not being enough. That is the problem. We have the tendency to blame people for not caring, for not feeling what we feel and for not understanding us that we tend to forget that the essence of sacrifice is not recognition but inspiration. Inspiring others not by imposing on them what we think should be done but by showing them that we are happily carrying our burdens because it is, precisely, ours. Corazon Aquino’s husband was imprisoned and assassinated. Her government was challenged by a series of coups, she was looked down on for not knowing enough… for not being enough. She sacrificed a lot for a country that didn’t only disappoint but even actively hurt her. Then, as an icing to the really sad cake, she got cancer. But she never saw it as a justification to be vengeful, hateful or even the least hurtful. Instead, she saw it as an opportunity to teach everyone the lesson of patience, forgiveness, love and faith.

As bar examinees, we always jokingly say that we have the right to be cranky, to be inconsiderate… to be taken care of. It is perfectly understandable, especially at this point when we feel the pressure of the impending doom that is the Bar Exam. We are so engrossed in our preparations that we forget that other people are living their lives too. The world did not stop turning when we began to study for this supposed make or break exam. These people too are facing challenges that are different from ours. This is not to underestimate the mental and emotional suffering that we all are going through, but this is to remind us that we chose to be here. We must not forget what we are fighting for, why we chose to embark on this journey. It is not to alienate people but to eventually include them in a better life that we wish to have after we achieve our dreams.

It got me into thinking, have we at least said thank you to the people who tirelessly prepare meals for us, who put up with our tantrums that we brand as stressed-induced, to everyone who has irritated us for asking how our reviews are going even if at the back of our minds we know that they mean well, to our family and friends whom we have temporarily excluded from our lives just because we want to focus on the bar? Have we stopped for a while to recognize that we have hurt others by being apathetic, for being unstable, for being the monsters that we have become as we struggle to become supposed better creatures of the law? Have we at least tried?

Do we really have to lose control over how we act, how we feel, how we live our lives? Did we really earn that right? I don’t think so. I take it back, “The bar is not a justifying circumstance for everything.” It mitigates but it still makes us liable for how we have altered our ways and how we unconsciously affected others. There is no excuse for being rude, for being impatient, for being insensitive, for being inconsiderate… for forgetting humanity. Yes, we are having a hard time, but it doesn't give us the right to give others a hard time too. Cory didn't see it that way. She had a lot on her hands too, you know... HER WHOLE LIFE.

What the hell are we complaining about?

Dahil ang Buhay ko ay Isang Aklat ng Maling-Mali!

Ngayong araw na'to ay ang araw na tumapak ako sa lupa ng Supreme Court para pirmahan ang isang bagay na dapat naman sanang napirmahan. Bakit maling-mali?

Unang una sa lahat, di ko kasalanan na walang pirma ang verification ko, dahil ang papel na nabigay sa akin ay PUTOL. Putol sa part na may nakalagay na blanko at naka-type na Affiant sa baba. Grabe. Ako lang talaga e no? Sa buhay ko lang talaga?

Pangalawa, at mas mahalaga... Kanino pa ba nangyayari ito. Kasi usually, sa MRT may special train for Children, Women and Senior Citizens.. so di ko alam na sa LRT ang special train ay para sa ibang category.. KIDS, Senior Citizens and PREGNANT WOMEN. Soooo... Sumakay ako sa train na un. Pero sumakay din ang guard at pinalipat ang mga babaeng sa tingin nya ay di pasok sa kategorya na un. Dito na pumapasok ang pagpapasalamat ko na mataba ako... Mejo tumingin sya sakin, pero para lang wala nang issue, huminga ako ng malalim, pinalaki ang tyan ko at humawak dito... PARA MAGPANGGAP NA BUNTIS. Bakit ito nangyayari sa akin? Ang malupit, ramdam na ramdam ko na nakatingin sa akin ang mga tao dahil tingin nila ay isa akong babaeng buntis na di man lang sinamahan ng tatay ng anak ko na mag-commute sa Maynila... To make matters worse, un isang Senior Citizen ay kinabahan yata na makunan ako kaya in-offer nya sa akin ang upuan nya. Magmamatigas sana akong wag umupo, pero masisira ang disguise ko, lalo pa't naka-heels ako.

So ayun ang buhay ko, isang aklat ng mga bagay na talaga namang MALING-MALI! :D

NINOY's Letter to NOYNOY

"WAITERS"

Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them.
-Will Hayes (Definitely. Maybe)

Someone once asked me, “If you like someone now, would you go for that person even if there’s a big possibility that in the future, you might meet someone better? If you meet an 8.5, wouldn’t you think that you’re settling if there is a possibility that after the bar, you might meet a 9.5?” I didn’t really have the time to think about the right answer, but I remember saying that if I like the person, I wouldn’t discriminate against him just because I met him in a time that is more complicated and volatile than ever. You never know,right?

I recognize that fact that it is logical to wait, but isn’t it also logical to live in the now and stop thinking of the later? It’s true, when you feel lonely, and the only thing that’s keeping you from giving up is the fear that everything you’ve prepared for will be put to waste, you tend to succumb to feelings that are illogical, unexplainable and foolish. Your feelings are magnified, and you mistake something for a totally different thing. But I guess, when you have something wonderful in front of you, you couldn’t bear to wait. If you feel that it’s right, or if there is at least a semblance of rightness in sight, can’t you help but wonder if it is worth taking the risk for… right here, right now? I am a fan of bold gestures but I am the last person you’ll see taking one. Why? Because, if in the past, you have already put yourself out there, and all you got was a discreet gesture that screams rejection, you can’t stop yourself from being scared, or at least from being hesitant about committing another mistake.

I agree with my friend in some way. If you are having doubts, you shouldn’t do anything. If you feel that you are settling, chances are, you are. If there is a tiny possibility or hope that someone better will come along, it will be totally unfair for the 8.5 to be dragged into the complication that is you, looking for a 9.5. We shouldn’t mess other people’s heads with hypotheticals and what if’s because that is just callous and well, unfair. Yet, we agree that life is unfair.

So I have come to the conclusion that… we shouldn’t wait around for people who, like us, are also waiting around. That is just pointless. We shouldn’t limit ourselves to what we want but also give a chance to those who want us. Only when the “waiter” has figured out what to do will we have the right to think of what could be. We should never forget that above all, we should believe that we are worth it and if one person thinks otherwise, you can just laugh about it and hold on to the friendship. It’s true, you never know. Somewhere along the way, it might be a different story. But for now, we must hold on to what we know… and that is, “We are as entitled to our happiness as some people are to their misery.”

And I am claiming my happiness… right here, right now.

------

picture from POSTSECRET

On Randomly Organized Things

“We like to look for patterns and find connections in unrelated events. This way we can explain them to ourselves. Life seems neater, or at least less messy. We need to feel that we are in control: it is integral to our self-esteem. We also know, though we deny it, that we are not in control. So we settle for the illusion of control. What if we stopped fooling ourselves?”

– from “Everything Is Random. Deal With It.” By Jessica Zafra

We do it all the time, finding explanation for something that doesn’t need to be explained, labeling something that is intentionally left unlabeled. We all have the need to figure things out because if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not sensible. If it’s not sensible, we figure, there really is no point in waiting around and watching things unfold right before our very eyes. We are an impatient bunch of irrational beings in the guise of being rational. If rationality is what sets us apart from the other members of the animal kingdom, we aren’t really that “different” from them. We still act on instinct, the instinct being “to not believe in randomness”. How else do we explain the overrated use of the famous saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”?

I am no less guilty of this human flaw. I know no one who says, “Que sera sera.” without even a thin line of doubt playing around like a perky toddler in their minds. Knowing why is a NEED that is almost always never fulfilled. That’s just who we are. If we end up meeting someone in the silliest of moments, we say, “It must be fate. We met for a reason.” But the thing is, if only we can stop fooling ourselves, we should be able to see that it was a random twist of fate. It was meaningless until we start analyzing it in destructive ways that are infinitely many. When someone does something that is out of the ordinary, we say, “That can’t be for nothing right? That MUST mean something.” But the thing is, what if the other person just woke up one day thinking, “I feel like doing something randomly sweet today”, and didn’t mean for that random act of sweetness to mean something? It’s just the beginning of a way complicated problem that no one signed up for. We will all miss the point… and the point is simple, ENJOY THE RIDE EXPERIENCE LIFE and KEEP AS MANY MEMORIES AS YOU CAN.

So, I say, let’s just allow things to unfold. If people will stop over-analyzing, they will eventually figure things out. That is the beauty and wisdom behind justiciable controversies; unless there is a real issue at hand that’s not based on mere assumptions, we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves all the time. We should just let things fall into their proper places. After all, if things DO happen for a reason, the reason will have to eventually reveal itself to us in no time. If it doesn’t… we’ll always have beer, and that wonderful thing we call FAITH.

HAPPINESS; Retail and Wholesale

A few weeks ago, my friend and I were having one of our regular online conversations when he let me into his theory on happiness. I was ranting about not being able to sustain a stable relationship and the inconsistent surges of happiness in my life when he asked me, “What if in life, you are not really meant to find that one source of happiness? What if these broken episodes of happiness are what it’s all about? What if happiness is in retail?”

It made sense. In effect, my episodes of happiness have been consistently inconsistent. Yes, the episodes do end, but instead of thinking of these memories as being replaced by newer ones, let’s just say that our happiness is cumulative. It’s rational and a little sad for a romantic. All my life, I’ve had a lot of moments of happiness, from different sources, from different persons whom, at one point, I loved or at least cared about. Following my friend’s theory, my ONE GREAT LOVE does not exist, there are a number of fleeting loves that are like pieces of the grand puzzle that is happiness. The theory is so practical; it fits a lifestyle that is always on the go, a lifestyle that thrives on changes and mobility.

But the real question remains: In a world that is so fast-paced, should we be content with retailed happiness?

Our missing pieces are within us, we feel empty when we allow ourselves to feel empty. If we acknowledge that we have everything we need inside and that we are fabulous on our own, someone equally fabulous will come along and we’ll know that the time for retailed happiness has ended. There’s nothing wrong with retailed happiness, I think this is what makes us grow. If you already feel complete, content and ready to face the world alone, if you’re not looking for the missing pieces of your own happiness jigsaw puzzle anymore, you’ll find another already completed puzzle beside you, not to complete you but to complement you.

Happiness in retail is just a prelude to wholesale happiness… and wholesale happiness begins when we are not looking for happiness for ourselves from other people anymore

On Fountains and Everything that’s Needed to be Said

So, here’s what I’m presently looking at, there are two sets of fountains in front of me, the first set is newer and nearer, but it’s not working, it’s like a pond that’s so calm and steady with a hope or a threat that it WILL work or be active one day. The other set’s working really fine, unruly at times, but moving, and really enticing. Of course, what’s conventional is the set that’s working. Why? Because you know that it works or at least that it has been working longer. I’ve seen fountains before and they SHOULD be working, moving and attractive. They should be able to catch your attention, make you smile and endearingly distract you when there’s nothing to look at anymore. The problem is that it’s far. I’ve been near that fountain before, I have played with the water that gracefully flows and flirtatiously spurts like a ballet dance step. I have been attracted to it before, and it never stopped working, only that it got farther… or I walked away from it or someone else acquired it through extraordinary prescription. But once in a while, in those rare moments that I am alone and lonely, I look at it and ask myself, “Should I walk back and play with it again?” But it’s not a decision that I can make really, because someone else is playing with it now, looking at it like it’s the only fountain for her and they look good together. Even I am convinced that maybe, they are meant to be together and I just paved the way for them to see that. I looked and admired it first, but I was too chicken to call it mine.

Now, the other set, it started out fine, it WAS working… but there is no consistency. It’s nearer, it has witnessed a number of good times too but not as numerous as the memories that I had with the former set. I interact with it almost everyday, with a few moments of emotional connection that makes me think, “This set’s not bad… not bad at all.” The problem is, I don’t know if this set is willing to move with me, for me or if it’s just one of those fleeting connections that work because we’re just both there, because I happen to be walking away from the other fountain and IT was the next fountain that caught my attention. I look at the now under repair fountain and hope that one day, it will work again. It’s soothing, knowing that it’s there, available and not in a hurry. Heck, I don’t even know if this fountain is for me. I look at it and see that it attracts and is attracted to the other passers-by that are constantly wondering what it is doing here, not moving, not flowing. I like this set of fountain, but I don’t know if I like it enough to ignore the working fountain that’s right behind it.

Here’s the thing, I absolutely think that making a decision will be a lot easier if only the second set of fountain can stop being so unpredictable and aloof. If only the first set of fountain can stop moving for a second to give me a chance to clear my mind and look at the other things that the second set of fountain is capable of showing me.

It will be a lot easier if I’m not calling them fountains. It will be a lot easier if everything that’s needed to be said will be said without having to resort to silly metaphors like fountains. i.e. First fountain, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Second fountain, “I LIKE YOU… for now.” Eunice, “STOP TALKING TO FOUNTAINS.”

Yeah, I’m crazy. But in a world where things are so predictably unpredictable, how can you not give in to moments of insanity?

On Life and Electric Tricycles

I found a new addiction… riding electric tricycles from Market Market to Bonifacio Highstreet. It’s a great experience, more like riding a modern calesa. I have one little idiosyncracy though, I ride at the back. While everyone’s trying to ride it the traditional way, I always seem to find myself riding alone at the back of the trike. I was, for a few days, wondering why I like doing it… then, in one of those eureka moments, one of those “aha-now-i-know-why” moments while I was once again smoking my first stick of the day on my way to my newfound home in Highstreet, it hit me why. Riding the electric trike like I want it is similar to how I live my life. I walk away but I linger. I want to be able to walk away without completely turning my back on that thing I am walking away from. I walk away but I try to bring with me the memories, I want to be able to look at these things from afar, remembering what I did, why I did it and who I did it with. The IT being anything that I’ve tried out at least once in my life, that “it” being something that at one point made me so happy and at one point, made me almost tap out from the unbelievably torturous pain.

I don’t like fleeting things, contrary to popular belief. I can easily move on, I can easily walk away, but these things are disappointingly not fleeting, they’re stubbornly permanent. These are things that I know have forever changed the way I looked at things., the way I feel things, the way I handle things. To walk away is the easy part, especially if life or fate have their own way of compelling me to finally leave, the hardest part is to not linger, to not try to hold on to the things that are still there but should be walked away from. The hardest part is to deal with the memories. I’m masochistic that way, I keep everything, not only in my heart but in my brain, in my room, in the now dusty corner of my shelves. Everything’s just a few steps away from me, may it be a journal that witnessed how I cried millions of tears for something that seems too mundane now or the already withered petals stuck in between pages that symbolized a chapter that needs to be forgotten but will never be.

So, that was my realization for today. I don’t turn around and walk away, I walk backwards. It could be because I’m holding on to my optimism, or because I just can’t let go or I don’t want to let go. It’s fun and emotionally tiring at the same time. But I like it that way, in the same way that I predict to be hooked in my electric trike addiction for a long time, until the bar perhaps. Until I need to walk away and find a new addiction. I refuse to make life pass me by, I will look at it straight in the eyes and say, I’m moving on bitch, the past looks smaller and smaller each second, and I love it.

ATM

ANTI-TORPE MOVEMENT

Naisip ko lang, since ang dami naman nagsasabi na guys like to play games and since a lot of the girls I know are tired of the same old, “Could he be too shy to ask me out?” conversations, panahon na para magkaron tayo ng mga pambawing hirit sa mga parinig ng mga pa-fall na guys. At least din a natin masasabi na pa-victim tayo. I mean, kung makikipaglaro tayo, might as well make it a good game diba? What better way to make it a challenging one but to push it to the limit, un tipong pag ito di pa nya sinagot ng maayos, malamang di talaga nya ako gusto… Ito lang naman ang mga suggestions ko. (Feeling ko applicable din ito sa mga guys e, kasi girls naman are not less guilty sa mga ganitong hirit.)

1. Nagte-text ng quote in the guise of a message na sinend sa lahat with the hope na magreply ang object of affection.
Solution: Reply by saying, “Kung ang perang ginastos mo sa pagu-unlitxt ay pinantawag mo na lang sakin, di mo na sana kailangan maghintay ng reply ko. HEHE” (importante yung HEHE)
2. The guy goes, “I want to go out… I just can’t seem to find the right girl. Why?”
Solution: I don't knoe, I ’m always right… And well, I’m a girl. (insert laughter)
3. The guy goes, “I want to go to ____, but no one wants to go with me.
Solution: I’m NO ONE. (insert flirting fiasco smile)
4. The guy goes, “I want to watch ____.”
Solution: Ok. Let’s watch it. (insert the “Why? We’re friends, right?” Look)
5. The guy goes, “I’m going out on a date with this girl... but I’m not sure if I should go.”
Solution: You shouldn’t. (use your poker face) If he asks, “Why?”, do the “looking at him from under your eyelashes” thing, smile and say, “You know why.”
6. He goes, “I usually like (insert description that totally doesn’t fit you)
Solution: Then maybe you should stop liking the general rule and start going for the exception. (res ipsa loquitur)
7. He goes, “My ex… (insert really sweet story)
Solution: (faraway look) Past, present… I wonder which matters more.
8. He goes, “Dude. (insert whatever)
Solution: I see that we have decided on our terms of endearment. (paluin sya ng mahina sabay takbo sa washroom)
9. He goes, “So I went out on a date yesterday. It was great.”
Solution: Then why are you here? (silence) I mean, you should be with her, alam mo na. Follow through.
10. He goes, “I don’t know if I’m ready to go out again…”
Solution: (do the what-the-fuck hand movement) Demmit. This isn’t a date? (innocent smile)

This is at the risk of being dubbed as feelingero at feelingera at well, desperate. Pero at least the absurdity of thinking about the other person can stop di ba? I mean, isn’t it more absurd to talk about something that isn’t really "happening" with your friends and spending a lot of time analyzing. At least pag ginawa mo ‘to, simple lang yan.. Either ge-game time na kayo o mare-realize mo na, “He’s just not that into you.” Suggestion ko lang naman kasi uhmm, paulit-ulit lang ang mga sitwasyon e. Down with paranoia and stupidity na ito mga girlfriends! HEHE. (see? The hehe makes a big difference!) Steady lang. Para sa mga nagba-bar, WAG NYO GAWIN. Mahirap na. haha.

Magdagdag na lang kayo ng suggestions nyo. Antok na ako.

When People Act Like They Are Stupid

(Para sa lahat ng mga tao na may issues ngayon, para sa inyo ito… sabay-sabay na! haha)

We almost always don’t say what we really mean and they, most often than not, never get it… we all end up disappointed with a little less faith in finally finding the one. The thing is, a lot of times, we don’t know what we want, even if what we want is staring at us with a neon sign that states the most obvious, “I am the one.” We go out with people thinking that maybe, just maybe, things’ll turn out great, or at least sufficient to let us get by, but it never is. Why? Because we’re adorably stupid that way. #DearYou, We have always been taught to look for some prototype: the artist, the gorgeous, the dreamer, the "one". We have made ourselves believe that anything outside of that imagined box of expectations and standards is just not it. It cannot be IT. Yet, if we only acknowlege that the box does not need exist, or that we don’t even have to go outside of that box to take a peek at what this teeny-tiny window of possibilities can offer, then we can calmly watch everything unfold... right before our very eyes. How many times have we uttered these words about our friends? “If only they’d realize that they’re perfect for each other, then they will finally be able to stop blogging all those words of melancholy that just affects us, then they will stop talking about each other behind each other’s backs with the look that says, ‘Why can’t he/she see me the way I say him/her?”

We see it happen daily, the girl talks about the guy, with reservations, because well, they’re just friends… the guy is in love with someone else, or he just isn’t being clear about what he feels for her. We have spent hours, days, months and a lot of fucking years discussing and trying to figure out, WHERE HAVE WE GONE WRONG? I know where… you waited. And of course, the guy, he doesn’t talk about the girl with his friends, he’s worse, he spends a lot of time with the girl... flirts with her a bit, once in a while, he would be really sweet and then he takes it away by not showing up in one of those “casual dates” that they “casually” set. It all turns sour and uhmm, the guy just doesn’t know why. I KNOW WHY… You waited too. Then the guy and the girl goes on with the same old dance, they hang out, they continue to be friends, and at the back of their minds they know. They CAN’T NOT KNOW.

Men and women act stupid ALL THE TIME. That is just how life goes. If only, instead of waiting, they smiled and said,” I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.“, then things won’t be so fucked up anymore. We all know them, heck, we are them. It’s funny, really. Painfully funny. So, we laugh - the kind of laugh that tries to say it all… And smoke - like it’s the last time you can breathe and and allow yourself to free fall.

Last Night, I Started to Dream Again...

“Throw away the chains, let love fly away… Until love comes again, I’ll be ok.”
- I’ll Be Ok, Amanda Marshall

Last night, I started to dream again.
 In my dream, there were no promises,
but an infinitely many possibilities.

 I can clearly remember you, how you secretly looked at me with a hidden message that says, “I am glad I finally found you. “

 Last night, I started to dream again - and when I woke up, through your dreams I told you, “Thank you. I’m glad I found you, too.”

 -"The Dream Sequence"
@legallyblunt
 1 June 2009

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