I Don't HATE Valentine's Day

... for a change, since most of the articles I read are into Valentine's day-bashing. Let me start off by saying that although I see the logic in branding Valentine's as overrated, Valentine's IS licensed to be overrated. It's about LOVE for crying out loud. LOVE is the most overrated thing in the whole world, and an event that celebrates it would not be appropriate if it's not overrated.

Now, why DON'T I hate Valentine's even if my life has been a string of unsuccessful relationships, almost love stories and fart-inducing date mishaps? Because Valentine's Day gives me enough reason to celebrate something that I know I will eventually find in the future. It's like a glimpse of a wonderful thing that's bound to happen. Sabi ko nga before, "If love works for other people, there's no reason why it wouldn't work for me." No matter how long it might take.

Yes, sometimes I wanna puke when I see red dresses, roses and everything that's related to it, but it also makes me smile, it makes me feel that we still have that "humanity" within us. I read somewhere that "The world is now a place that's full of things that are against being romantic but the only thing that's stopping the world are the PEOPLE who refuse to be too cynical for their own good." I am a romantic cynic. I maintain my level-headedness without shedding every little ounce of romance in me.

I may not have a date tomorrow, but I am surrounded by a lot of good things. The simplest of things that prove the truth in the existence of this overratedness. Everybody's alone, it's just easier to take in a relationship. We celebrate our being alone with other people and you find a connection. You find a strand of hope that the world can't be a place of sheer loneliness. That loneliness exists because it has to emphasize the existence of togetherness...

I am not a fan of grandiosity, of demonstrations of love in an overrated kind of way because I treasure the littlest of things. I value being held on to, looked at, smiled at, being hugged, comforted, listened to, offered a ride home, offered a cup of coffee, joked at, flattered.. I value drinking sprees with special people, studying with them, walking around, driving around, beating around the bush, being introduced to new friends and even merely listening to a sweet song while knowing that somebody is there with me, for me.

I know that behind the superficiality that celebrating Valentine's day exudes, behind its overratedness and drama is the basic and most important thing... LOVE. Valentine's Day is a celebration of what was here, what is here, what would be here and what it feels like to love and be loved. That is enough reason to not hate it and to even go the extra mile of celebrating it.

A Li'l Yihee on the side.

Au: Euns, may dala ka bang laptop today?
Euns: Wala.
Au: Hala. Kanina may nakita akong guy, un laptop nya WALLPAPER un PICTURES
mo.
Euns: Ha? Baka naman nagbabasa lang ng blog ko.
Au: Di e, iba ibang pictures mo pa nga. Sigurado akong WALLPAPER
talaga.

Un na. Somebody likes me. At least. I'm worth liking. Haha.

Thank You

... to everyone who has been supportive, patient and understanding of the "moody" me.

Thanks for saying that you guys enjoy my company, and that I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, and that I'm good in what I do and that I'm a catch...

Thank you for making me feel special amidst this SELF ESTEEM CRISIS that I'm having.

Girlfriend 1: Bakit? Iniisip mo siguro na mas deserving un isang
girl kasi mas payat sya sayo? Iniisip mo un diba? Mali ka e. You deserve to
be happy. He deserves to be happy too. You look happy when you're with him. He
looks happy too. Di na uso ang martir. You don't want to look back years from
now thinking, "Why did I push him away?"

Girlfriend 2: If I were in your position. I would've said the same thing.
You did the right thing. But most of the time, the right thing sucks.

Thank you guys for all the hugs, for the tissue. For merely asking if I'm ok while I'm crying, inside the caf. [Drama queen] For just being there. For giving me the looks of sympathy and love while I'm there sulking with a stick of cig in my hand.

Thank you.

I'm close to falling apart, but you guys are stopping me from quitting.

Nothing...

... all of a sudden, there's really nothing to hold on to.

Maybe we're lucky to have somebody who has that little bit of insanity. Somebody who never lets you go, somebody who cherishes you forever. Talk about a legacy, loving someone forever? That is a legacy.

- John Cage, Ally Mc Beal

I don't know what to think of anymore. My mind is consciously blocking my thoughts of you, reminding me that I can only bear a certain amount of pain... and if I don't stop, I might lose what's left of my sanity. I made a noble decision that turned out to be silently heartwrenching, bittersweet and at some point, regret-inducing. I think I am in love with you, it took this much pain for me to finally admit that. What we have is an emotional connection that is forbidden and wounded. Until I'm too dry to shed even a single tear, I will write about you. What we had, or maybe still have is more than romantic. I don't know if you see or even feel that. It's beyond philosophy, it's a connection that could've been worthwhile. It is more than enough to make me believe that someday, I'll find you again. When we're finished chasing our old rainbows and ready to chase new ones.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, there's NOTHING left for me to hold on to. All I have is pain.

Letter of Love #1

To you who hasn't come,

I'm not gonna assume that you already exist, for all I know, you're not born yet. Just like me, you may be feeling that you have not yet gone out of the lonely fetus embracing you. You're swimming, letting life pass you by, letting it flow on your veins. I'll start of by saying that YOU NEED TO KNOW ME. Let me introduce myself, I'm Eunice, an emotionally fucked up, too optimistic for my own good and a believer of the impossible.

It's sad that I can't be there for you yet, I guess I have to be really prepared before God'll let you knock me off my feet. I am not worried that we shall meet. Sometimes it just worries me that you need me now but I can't be there for you. You really need not worry about me, I look forward to not only holding your hand but to capture what is in your soul that'll eventually breathe life into me. I can't imagine what you might be doing at present, or tonight, or tomorrow... but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's the fact that SOMEHOW YOU ARE THINKING OF ME TOO. Not in a tangible kind of way. In the same way that I think of you too, in a sense that we are connected, that the mere blinking of my eyes affects how you tilt your head and smile.

I don't wish you a good night, but I wish that you go to bed not as lonely as me. I did say I'm emotionally fucked up right? Yet, I'm holding on to the idea that I HAVE YOU, will have you... and it turns this insanity into something so much better.

Everyday is an opportunity for me to be a better person. I do not live for you yet, but someday I will. And when we meet somewhere, somehow, we will know that we're finally together. Not to complete each other but to complement what we have become so far.

That is enough reason for me to celebrate Valentine's. To celebrate the you that will celebrate it with me...

----------------------
this is inspired by an article asking why we don't write love letters anymore. From now on, I'll hold on to the thought so loneliness won't eat away what I have to offer. So that my eyes will not have looks of "i'll end up lonely someday" but only of, "I have someone, though we have not yet met."

How APPROPRIATE

MY TAROT CARD FOR TODAY

The Ten of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in conscience. "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." I own responsibility for the baggage I have chosen to carry but I am ready to lay the weight of a burden or secret I have been hiding behind where it belongs in order to reconcile my conscience. Do I want to be right or alone? I am empowered by blind faith in fulfilling my purpose or greater good to "just do it," and I transform through in passion or direction in principle.

When It Sucks, It Sucks.

I won Peter Pan tickets pala. I checked my other mail today, it was for January 14. It's the reason for my superficial sadness. I missed an opportunity of a lifetime. I could've been there enjoying my fairytale. But I lost that chance. What a metaphor.

My other sadness is waaaay deeper. I cannot begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling. The hardest thing to do is to do the right thing. Or in my case, to be proper. To put myself in a proper perspective. I'm not selfless. I'm not a martyr. The pain is more real now than before. It's a stabbing spree. It's like i sold a lot of knives to be stabbed over and over again. It's the kind of pain that not only paralyzes you and stops but it goes into your soul, mind and it is felt even when you're asleep.

I did the right thing. But why does it feel like karma came back to me ten-fold and lost track of my good deeds?

Post - Mr. Law School 2007 Entry

Girl Friend:
My stomach ached last night because of you. It's the most fun Mr. Law School i've been to.

Aww. People have been approaching me just to tell me that they laughed their asses off last night because of me and AJ... that they had so much fun... that we have great rapport... that we were great hosts. These little demonstrations of appreciation make me fly. More than enough, more than enough. Thanks guys.

I had fun too. It was a great event. Even THE Rene SALUD said he liked me. Starstruck ako sobra. The candidates were great, the organizers were all accommodating and the crowd... Loooove it. I got a kiss and a hug from a really hot guy. The former Mr. Law School used his "digest" pickup line on me. I literally felt like a princess. Ang saya.

I had so much fun that I hope I get invited to host again next year. Ehem. If I still am here. Haha.

Btw, I officially have a boyfriend. MJ Bayang. It's an open relationship but we're sort of "together" now. Don't forget my flowers on Valentine's sweetie. Ralph Calinisan said we didn't have closure, pero sabi ko nga, he's an Ex now.. he shouldn't try to confuse me. I'm happy with MJ. He makes me feel kilig during Crim class. *winks... Kasi naman my absentee boyfriend Paopao Soriano is, as always, absent.

Gotta run to Starbucks so I could "attempt" to study.

A Little Slack?

Dear Eunice Zuleika,
Here is your horoscope
for Saturday, February 10:

Cut someone in your life a little slack. Heck, start with yourself. Being open to possibility means allowing room for mistakes. You'll find that life gets so much more fun and exciting when you do.

Tumpak!

Date of Birth: 14/05

As you know, Eunice, a certain decision in front of you means you have reached a turning point in your life. The hardest part about making this decision is, as usual, saying farewell to your old ways. The past can seem so cozy and reassuring, especially when the unknown looms. It takes strength and determination to leave it behind. But whether it is a matter of your career or your love life, you have personal goals that cannot be sacrificed or denied.

Fleeting

I guess it was a mere glimpse of fleeting hope re: what could be in the very far future. It's so me, falling for a string of happy moments not minding its blatant temporariness. I am letting TINKERBELL go FOR NOW not because I don't feel anything for him anymore but because the PRESENT is obviously NOT THE RIGHT TIME. It's a sad reality that I have to face. In the same way that I have to let go of feeling compelled to hear from him, or to interact with him because I feel a sense of security knowing that he's around. My life is OK, it's stable and it's supposed to inspire me to be the best that I can be.

It must be really because of Valentine's that my hormones are making me feel inadequate and insecure again. He's bad for me without him knowing it. He is not at fault because for all we know, he's just being a good friend still. Never mind the extra affection that my friends see him give me, which I refuse to recognize. Never mind the sweet little details that made me secretly smile and endear him to me. Never mind my wanting to skip when I walk with him. Never mind the way I transform into a silly kid when he attempts to be cute or funny. I'LL LET HIM BE. In the meantime, I have to teach myself to be contented again, independent and complete without that little significant piece of the puzzle that is him.

I should really snap out of it. If he knows that I've been in sweet misery because of him, I'm quite sure he'll leave. I CAN'T SURVIVE THAT. I can't stand the idea of losing him just because I pushed it.

I'm letting him go... for now. Ask me again tomorrow, I might've changed my mind by then. After all, "FLEETING" is the word of my life.