Hay naku Kiboy, maling-mali itong naging usapan natin kanina. Napatahimik ako, napaisip at nalungkot. May nakita nanaman akong dahilan kung bakit ako ay nananatiling hirap sa paghahanap ng aking "mahiwagang tsinelas". Ang pagkamusta mo sa akin at kay SBL ay parang isang malakas na sampal sakin. Ang sagot ko sayo ay, "Ok naman. Wala. Friends."
Tapos tinanong mo, "Anong nangyari? Parang nandun na kayo sa stage na un e. Bakit wala?"
At sabi ko naman, "Wala e. Wala namang nangyayari."
Medyo lumaki ang iyong mata sabay sinabi, "Bakit, ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari?"
"Wala naman. Di ko alam. Wala naman talaga yatang dapat mangyari..." Ang mahina kong sagot.
"Di mo pala alam ang gusto mo e. Talagang di kayo uusad nyan." Pabigla mong nasabi.
Tameme ako. Ako ba dapat ang nagdidikta nun? Akala ko kasi dapat naghihintay lang ako e. Napaisip ako tuloy. Naghihintay din ba sya sakin? Anong nga bang "stage" na kami? Wala naman yata talaga. Halos araw-araw naman nakikita ko sya, halos araw-araw naman may interaksyon kami. Pero natatakot ako na parang araw-araw gusto ko na may bagong maisusulat ako sa storya namin. Kaya lang parang tumigil na. Di ko na nararamdaman na tulad parin ng dati at may espesyal akong bahagi sa buhay nya. Parang di na nya ko kelangan. Parang maayos na naman ang buhay nya na walang pampagulo na kagaya ko.
"Tapos na nga ba talaga?" Ika nga ni Shem. Ayaw nya kasi maniwala. Isa kasi sya sa nanatiling positibo ang pananaw tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Pero kasi, kahit na madalas parin magtama ang mga mata namin, kahit na nakikita ko parin sya na nakatingin habang akala nya ay nakatutok ang aking atensyon sa ibang bagay, kahit na patuloy ko parin inoobserbahan ang mga kilos nya, nararamdaman ko na parang unti-unti na kami lumalayo sa isa't-isa. Ayoko pero nangyayari. Di ko alam kung ayaw din nya pero siguro nga tuloy-tuloy nang mananatili na di okupado ang silya sa aking harapan. Nakikita ko parin ang ngiti nya, pero di na ito katulad ng ngiti na nakukuha ko habang pinapanood ko syang kumain o mag-aral o magsalita.
Natahimik ako. Tahimik na din yata sya.
Trophy Girlfriend.
like the shirt? buy one! shirt design by Dre Martinez Ano ang mali? Ah alam ko na. Di pa panahon. Pero Lord, kelan pa ang panahon? Argh. Aral na nga.
"Bumping" into Friends.
Was able to watch Harry Potter tonight with my law school peeps at the Powerplant. I enjoyed it. Can i just say that Viktor is hot hot hot?! I'm not in the mood to make a real review so you just have to settle with the fact that i enjoyed it. Jayvee, thanks for the popcorn. Alam kong nananaghoy ka, pero wag ka mag-alala, ganyan din ang itsura ni Ron Weasley nun nakita nyang kasama ni Hermione si Viktor. haha.
Melo practiced her "manghuhula" skills tonight at Starbs. Apparently, I have a complicated LOVE LIFE. Uhmm, thanks Mel, tell me something i dont know. haha. But if there's one thing that i loved about your reading, it's the fact that "I'm overflowing with love while my future partner's gonna be really successful." Gaya nga ng sinabi ko, "Mamahalin ko sya... at bahala sya sa gastos." HOw more perfect can it be?
I will never forget Ana's comment about the people in Powerplant. "Sobra sila sa paligo." Ayun na. I must admit, there were a lot of yummy-looking guys in Powerplant today, the "mukhang mabango at mapagmahal" types. haha. Btw, I started to get the info that I promised Melo and Ana I'l get from our new "stalkee/ cutie". I got his school, course and got to talk to him. Kayod Marino talaga, manang-mana ako kay Pepe at Kiboy (na sa tingin ko ay may resemblance sa Weasley twins)
I bumped into a former crush today. As usual, got to converse about UP and uhmm, how i adore his line of thinking. Kasi naman, inaamin kong yummy nga sya. Ang kanyang mapupulang labi at dadalin ko sa aking panaginip ngayong gabi. (ANg manyak, kasing manyak ni Moaning MYrtle!)
I googled my pen name at natagpuan ko na a lot of people posted My Bestfriend Theory in their blogs. Im so flattered. Oh well Rockwell.
Everyone passed in Leg Res. Dapat lang. Cant wait to work with the "POWERHOUSE" cast of Group no. three! Let's go Legal Writing.
Melo practiced her "manghuhula" skills tonight at Starbs. Apparently, I have a complicated LOVE LIFE. Uhmm, thanks Mel, tell me something i dont know. haha. But if there's one thing that i loved about your reading, it's the fact that "I'm overflowing with love while my future partner's gonna be really successful." Gaya nga ng sinabi ko, "Mamahalin ko sya... at bahala sya sa gastos." HOw more perfect can it be?
I will never forget Ana's comment about the people in Powerplant. "Sobra sila sa paligo." Ayun na. I must admit, there were a lot of yummy-looking guys in Powerplant today, the "mukhang mabango at mapagmahal" types. haha. Btw, I started to get the info that I promised Melo and Ana I'l get from our new "stalkee/ cutie". I got his school, course and got to talk to him. Kayod Marino talaga, manang-mana ako kay Pepe at Kiboy (na sa tingin ko ay may resemblance sa Weasley twins)
I bumped into a former crush today. As usual, got to converse about UP and uhmm, how i adore his line of thinking. Kasi naman, inaamin kong yummy nga sya. Ang kanyang mapupulang labi at dadalin ko sa aking panaginip ngayong gabi. (ANg manyak, kasing manyak ni Moaning MYrtle!)
I googled my pen name at natagpuan ko na a lot of people posted My Bestfriend Theory in their blogs. Im so flattered. Oh well Rockwell.
Everyone passed in Leg Res. Dapat lang. Cant wait to work with the "POWERHOUSE" cast of Group no. three! Let's go Legal Writing.
The Meantime Girl
She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't be cause to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the
reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she still is.
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article from Peyups.com ... i read this years ago.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't be cause to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the
reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she still is.
--------
article from Peyups.com ... i read this years ago.
Still but Moving.
we share the same sentiment.
at least exhaustion would mean the end of more exhaustions that MIGHT come your way.
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images from Postsecret.blogspot.com
Captured Emotions
Just like me, this "gingerbread man" is smiling though doom is just around the corner. Advanced Merry Christmas to me who's gonna be spending another year of waiting under the mistletoe...
the moon looked so marvelous that i had to take its picture... it's so faraway but it still shines.
what a disgrace. at least they corrected it a day after i took the pic.Balitang Bali. (Pagtingin sa isang linggo)
Monday:
First day of class. Quote of the day: "Bago ang damit mo ah. Nagshopping ka no?" ~~ Ganun na ba ka paulit-ulit ang damit ko? Thank you ha.
Tuesday:
Met our Logic prof. Funny man.
Wednesday:
Mali ito. I waited, right outside what should've been my classroom for Criminal Law 2. I stared at the room from afar and said to myself, "this is what i get for being three points short". The more disturbing thing was, i felt calm. I didnt feel sadness, i brushed it off too easily. it's a big neon sign of DENIAL.
Everything was so surreal. One of the major proponents of our constitution is my Constitutional Law 2 professor and the pressure that i felt on that first day was just unbelievable. Father Bernas lang naman. I was called by Father Bernas to recite. I got a 1. (yeah, that is a good thing... UP grading system ito) But that's the happy side of it. I choked at the last part of my recit. But i still got a 1. I should be happy. Still I choked. And the emotional baggage will just go on and on and on.
I got into a conversation with Melo, Shem and Yves about L-O-V-E. I will never forget what i said.. "The friendship excuse is BULLSHIT." It is true, if they are really friends, and if they decide to take it to the next level, if things turn out to be bad, the friendship will rise above the pain and it WILL REMAIN. Not as perfect as before but the respect will continue to exist. Btw, Mel's Lover is a very good writer. Mahal na namin sya. Hehe.
Today's the day that we saw a Ferrari. We were expecting a sorta-old man to come out of the car. But nooooo. The driver's a cutie. Drooled.
Jots and I had a "discussion" / pseudo-argument about buying a Ferrari instead of helping the people who will be thankful for a few pesos which they can receive in addition to what they have. I didnt agree that buying a Ferrari and helping are mutually exclusive. I dont think God will be angry that you are indulging when you have the money to pay for it. We even sorta argued about whose fault the "Hacienda Luisita" incident was (i know, lumang issue na ito). I even accused him of being judgmental. In the end we agreed that the wrong thing was that someone died. And i stopped myself from nagging him when he said, "i'm not being judgmental. that's why we are having this conversation..."
Friday:
I got to chat with Koko in the morning. Hay, Koks, miss ka na namin ng sobra.
We had our block picutre taken today. La lang.
Fr. Bernas is just sooo witty. I love his hirits. Consti is beginning to be really interesting.
Stayed at the "titanic" to do a few things for our appeal. Reserved tickets for our Harry Potter date tomorrow. Long dinner at KFC... chatted at Starbs.
First day of class. Quote of the day: "Bago ang damit mo ah. Nagshopping ka no?" ~~ Ganun na ba ka paulit-ulit ang damit ko? Thank you ha.
Tuesday:
Met our Logic prof. Funny man.
Wednesday:
Mali ito. I waited, right outside what should've been my classroom for Criminal Law 2. I stared at the room from afar and said to myself, "this is what i get for being three points short". The more disturbing thing was, i felt calm. I didnt feel sadness, i brushed it off too easily. it's a big neon sign of DENIAL.
Everything was so surreal. One of the major proponents of our constitution is my Constitutional Law 2 professor and the pressure that i felt on that first day was just unbelievable. Father Bernas lang naman. I was called by Father Bernas to recite. I got a 1. (yeah, that is a good thing... UP grading system ito) But that's the happy side of it. I choked at the last part of my recit. But i still got a 1. I should be happy. Still I choked. And the emotional baggage will just go on and on and on.
Conversation of the day:Thursday:
Euns: Ok ba si Fr. Bernas?
Girl: mabait sya, father nga sya e!
(ayun na.)
I got into a conversation with Melo, Shem and Yves about L-O-V-E. I will never forget what i said.. "The friendship excuse is BULLSHIT." It is true, if they are really friends, and if they decide to take it to the next level, if things turn out to be bad, the friendship will rise above the pain and it WILL REMAIN. Not as perfect as before but the respect will continue to exist. Btw, Mel's Lover is a very good writer. Mahal na namin sya. Hehe.
Today's the day that we saw a Ferrari. We were expecting a sorta-old man to come out of the car. But nooooo. The driver's a cutie. Drooled.
Jots and I had a "discussion" / pseudo-argument about buying a Ferrari instead of helping the people who will be thankful for a few pesos which they can receive in addition to what they have. I didnt agree that buying a Ferrari and helping are mutually exclusive. I dont think God will be angry that you are indulging when you have the money to pay for it. We even sorta argued about whose fault the "Hacienda Luisita" incident was (i know, lumang issue na ito). I even accused him of being judgmental. In the end we agreed that the wrong thing was that someone died. And i stopped myself from nagging him when he said, "i'm not being judgmental. that's why we are having this conversation..."
Friday:
I got to chat with Koko in the morning. Hay, Koks, miss ka na namin ng sobra.
We had our block picutre taken today. La lang.
Fr. Bernas is just sooo witty. I love his hirits. Consti is beginning to be really interesting.
Stayed at the "titanic" to do a few things for our appeal. Reserved tickets for our Harry Potter date tomorrow. Long dinner at KFC... chatted at Starbs.
Am I an Escapist?
Melo: Bakit ayaw mo sya kausapin?es·cap·ism
Eunice: Ayoko lang. Ayoko na yata bumalik uli sa stage na un.
Melo: Escapist!
n. The tendency to escape from daily reality or routine by indulging in daydreaming, fantasy, or entertainment.
I dont daydream that much, i dont live in fantasies and well, the only entertainment-related indulgence that I have is myself and my friends... but i still think I'm an escapist. I exert effort to not lock eyes with him, to not give him a hint that I MAYBE have finally fallen for him and that I am desperately trying to dismiss the idea.
I am doing it for him. I think I am not good for anyone's health or sanity. Besides the fact that he is going through a really "difficult phase" and that I remember him saying something about not being ready... as much as I wanna believe that we have a chance, he continues to convince me otherwise. I try to not interact with him that much so we can preserve what little we have.
This whole thing is also beginning to be unhealthy for me. I find myself intensely contemplating on the words that he utters, on the gestures that he makes. I often catch myself wondering about how he perceives me, or if it's true that he occasionally stares or if I was just imagining the spark that i thought we have.
I think I will listen to what my guy friend told me... "Sabi ko sayo sapatos lang siya e. Kasi kung ako un lalaki tapos nanjan na kayo sa stage na yan, kumilos na ako kung gusto kita. Pero wala e."
He's just not that into me. Shit. I was not that into him a few months ago.. why did i allow myself to actually entertain such thoughts? Now I know why I'm running away... I am trying to escape the net of pain that might engulf me in the near future. If I dont act now, I may not have the option to escape anymore. Being an escapist, i think, will help me move forward. I hope so.
Nakakadiri.
He-who-shall-not-be-remembered updated his profile today. I checked it out. There was no harm in just checking on a friend right? Only that we're not really friends anymore. And the reason why i needed to take a look at it was because i was secretly hoping that he's not "that" happy. There was no way for me to know, i looked at his pictures and it all came back to me. How I made a big fool out of myself. Is it just me or are his shirts not that loose anymore? Nakakadiri.
I bumped into Backstreet guy a lot of times today. We even sorta locked eyes. I really think I should start smiling at him to establish the fact that we "know" each other. Nakakadiri, parang highschool.
I have a new "target" to exercise my stalking skills. Melo, Ana and I were chatting inside the car when we came into a decision that "this guy" is actually cute. It's funny because i thought i was the only one who was noticing him. Therefore, we shall be friends. Dont worry Ana, I'll get the info that we need. haha.. Melo, uhmm.. i know you're looking at me and saying "Loyalty dude!" but what can i do? My "other target" is just soooo slow. A girl's gotta do whatta girl's gotta do. haha. Nakakadiri, karir nanaman.
Nakakadiri itong entry na ito.
I bumped into Backstreet guy a lot of times today. We even sorta locked eyes. I really think I should start smiling at him to establish the fact that we "know" each other. Nakakadiri, parang highschool.
I have a new "target" to exercise my stalking skills. Melo, Ana and I were chatting inside the car when we came into a decision that "this guy" is actually cute. It's funny because i thought i was the only one who was noticing him. Therefore, we shall be friends. Dont worry Ana, I'll get the info that we need. haha.. Melo, uhmm.. i know you're looking at me and saying "Loyalty dude!" but what can i do? My "other target" is just soooo slow. A girl's gotta do whatta girl's gotta do. haha. Nakakadiri, karir nanaman.
Nakakadiri itong entry na ito.
Anong Balita?
Today, one of my sources of Joy shocked me by saying that he's not pursuing his studying law anymore. It came to me like an unexpected punch. IT IS REAL. People are saying goodbye, sooner or later. Only now, it's sooner than i expected. Koks, you are going to be missed... be the best congressman. Im looking forward to seeing you in ANC. hehe.
I had my "first ever barista lesson" today. Thanks to my ever-bubbly-pero-may-kasungitan friend, Jots. Now i know the meaning of a bad shot, and that i can only use this uhmm foamy thingie twice and that it shouldnt be mixed (though it's not that big of a deal).. Yeah, that made me smile. Merci dude. Apir!
I had my "first ever barista lesson" today. Thanks to my ever-bubbly-pero-may-kasungitan friend, Jots. Now i know the meaning of a bad shot, and that i can only use this uhmm foamy thingie twice and that it shouldnt be mixed (though it's not that big of a deal).. Yeah, that made me smile. Merci dude. Apir!
Usapang Stubborn:I went ukay-ukay shopping with Chorits today at Cubao. We came into a really funny realization, "madali kami mapagod". After sorting through all the racks of clothes in three ukay-ukays, we gave up. Nakakapagod. We went home happy, less than 500 pesos poorer but holding plastics of clothes. Ready for jogging? Hehe. At ito pa, Chorits is on a shopping-spree.. she bought a pair of pants in Giordano... anak mayaman.
Jots: What's up?
Euns: The sky.
Jots: diba the roof?
Euns: pero mas mataas parin ang sky.
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