SUICIDE.

Suicide is leaving the old you that has given you grief, pain and uncerainty. I WILL COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT. I am running away from the ME that i thought i love. I am now embracing my imperfections, I dont want to pretend that I can handle things anymore. I am tired.

I am admitting it. I am fragile, i am stubborn... i am a needy bitch who wants to feel. I will stop tolerating the numbness that i have enveloped my self with and i will willingly commit suicide so i can start living again. I will DIE because i want to be hugged, to be pampered, to be taken cared of. I am tired of taking care of myself because i am not doing a great job.

I want to know how people will write their eulogies for me. I want to find out how i lived my life in the eyes of those I lived for. I want to write a eulogy for me too. It will have words that revolve around happiness, how i sought it and managed to get a glimpse of it.

I gave the people whom i value a piece of the puzzle that is me. Some valued the piece that I gave them. Some walked away, shrugged their shoulders and dismissed the idea. I hope they all come in the celebration of my life. So they can all bring the pieces that i gave them and complete the puzzle. I want them to understand me.

I am committing suicide tonight. While everyone's sleeping and I am wide awake... scared and shaking.

God Still Loves Me.

I have the best parents in the world. I went home feeling down and the first thing that my dad told me was, "We're still proud of you. Ok lang yan, we need to fail once in a while." I almost broke down but his hug just made me feel so secure. I love you guys, i will be a lawyer for you.

I failed Criminal Law. It's ok, i'm pretty confident that i can appeal. It just breaks my heart that I cannot take Crim Law 2 this sem. I was overwhelmed by the number of hugs i received today. I got reminded that I am a very fragile person, i break down at the slightest existence of mush. Thank you friends for your warmth. I was asking for human warmth the whole sem, and i got it today. Thank you. Paopao, thank you for making me laugh when i told you not to hug me anymore because it makes me cry. Thank you people.

I'm still smiling, i still have Duh Perm by my side. You guys rock.

T'was a CLOUDY DAY.

How do you hide the fear in your eyes?
Why do you fight the tears and the cries?
How do you say the sweetest goodbyes?
Why do you smile amidst all of your lies?

Yesterday was a happy day. Coffee at starbucks, Lunch at Chocolate Kiss (UP), got my UP Alumni Card, Ana got her transcript of records, we got to meet Pepe's new gf, a visit to Haze's house and the highly-anticipated 30-minute brisk walking session at the "infamous" La Mesa Eco Park. I was with friends whom I spent almost everyday of my six months with, studying, laughing or just plainly being there for each other. We held on and tried our damnest best to survive this jungle that is the law school. It's amazing how the friendship has evolved into something that is beyond mere companionship and at present, this is being tested by the challenge to continue holding on. I AM SCARED. I was looking at our pictures and I couldnt help but feel the sadness hidden under the facade of smiles that we gave. We werent acting, we were happy, it's just that there really is a very fine line between being happy and being sad. The border is a more complicated place. We dont even know if our smiles are as real as the possiblity that we are gonna be saying our goodbyes.

As if the heavens are joining us in this dance of emotions, the clouds gave us the show of our lives. All through the day, we kept on staring at the heavens as if the clouds hold the answers to the uncertainties and the open-ended questions that are facing us. Beautiful but sad. Scenic but empty. Cheerful but mocking.

A 30-minute tour around the Eco Park was like the past five months... we know that there are a lot of things that are worthy of appreciation but as much as we would want to linger on all the good things, the fact that we have to go and move on is just painfully imposing. What lies beyond the road that we didnt get to explore? We shall see. We just dont know yet if we'll see it together or if we will be taking our separate paths until we meet again.

This is one of those few moments that we wish we'll just get stuck, firmly to the ground... feeling the stability of the rocks beneath. This is one of those chosen days where not doing anything is much much better than being productive, if only to preserve what is left of the past.

We still are holding on. Even if holding on means falling really hard in the end.

In Between...

image from postsecret

I’m the girl in-between… barely breathing but happy to hold on. Relieved but scared. We got our grades for three of our subjects in law school and I’m very happy that I passed them all. Thank you, Lord. I know this is what I deserve, grades that are just enough to bring me to next semester. The agony of waiting is lethal. One more major subject and a couple of other minor ones, but I’m still praying. I cannot be totally happy… not at this time when a few are hurting. I wish I could be of more help, I wish there is something I can do to at least minimize the pain. This is one of those situations where I feel so helpless. I fear for myself, I fear for my friends and I fear for those who are waiting for me at the finish line, cheering with their expectant looks and sweet smiles. Hold on my friends, this too shall pass.

-----------

I spent my whole day waiting for my grades and I just would like to acknowledge those who made me smile today.

I think women do not lose interest in men… same as men do not lose interest in women. I think it's only an excuse for other things. That if a right man comes along, you'll throw that reason out the window…
-future stalker (winks)

(in re: law school) parang pinoy big brother ang tanggalan
-Atoy a.k.a. Nate (amishu!)

okies, just want to wish you good luck on the coming semester
-Chei

btw im sure youll pass all of your subjects;
-Jots (thank you for being the optimist on my day of pessimism; i promise to be the ever optimist for you)

hey, for all the pro bono wishers out there --you just have to pass
-Lee (this made my day..)

It's All Coming Back.

I cannot find it in my heart to leave my room. The last time i felt this way was that fateful day of my Math17 grade release. I'm freaggin' scared and as much as I would want to be the "Ever Optimist" that I am, I can't. If i fail now, I dunno what I would do. It's not really the idea of failing that's scaring me to death, it's the idea of disappointing the people who believe in me. My parents have been excessively supportive and I dont want them to think that I dont appreciate everything that they have given me. They've been very understanding and if there's anyone in this world that I will dedicate what little i have accomplished in my life, it will definitely be them.

They do not deserve to hear from me that I couldnt make it to next sem. They do not deserve to hear from me that I failed. They do not deserve to hear anything that is synonymous to being not good enough. I think they have sacrificed more than enough that they only deserve to hear how their hardwork paved off.

If I could just protect them from disappointment, frustration and grief.... I would. Please Lord, help me protect them. You have blessed me all my life, I'm just scared that this is the part where You will test my faith in You. I know I'm unworthy but please hold my hand, i feel so vulnerable.

Pakshet Kilig Moment

design by dre martinez, buy a cute shirt now, visit his site.. http://dremartinez.multiply.com

Parang matagal na nung huli akong kinilig. Hindi ung pademure na kilig, ito ung pakshet-kinikilg ako na klase ng kilig. Di un tipo na mapapangiti ka lang, mapapailing tapos wala na. Ito ung kakiligan na nakakaihi, nakakapagpapawis, nakakabaliw, nakaka-L...ambot ng tuhod. Ung kakiligan na alam mong may basehan. Un kakiligan na di galing sa pagpapantasya mo sa isang lalaki sa TV o sa pelikula.. ito un pagkakilig na nararamdaman mo pag inakbayan ka na sa sinehan, paghinawakan na ang kamay mo, pag hinahawi na un buhok sa mukha mo, pag inaalalayan ka sa laglalakad, un binibigyan ka ng bulaklak, un tinatanong ka kung-- kumain ka na, ano kinain mo, bakit ka kumain, may pambili ka pa ba ng pagkain, gusto mo ba sya kainin este gusto mo ba kumain kasama nya -, kapag pinapakilala ka na sa magulang, kapag hinahatid ka na sa bahay, kapag gumagawa na sya ng mga- tula, sulat, kanta, work of art, website - para sayo. Ito ung pagkakilig na nakakapagpabilis ng tibok ng puso mo. Ito un kilig na nakamamatay.

Nakamamatay pala e. Delikado. Pero gusto ko parin kiligin. Mabuti na mamatay sa kakiligan kesa mamatay sa depresyon diba? Minsan talaga kelangan natin makaramdam ng PKM. "pakshet kilig moments".

-------------
ito ay kasama ng TNP (Tunay na Pag-ibig) ni Paolo Manalo
TNP (Tsinelas na Pangmatagalan ni PEPE)
TNM (Tawa ng Malakas)
at ng kung anu-ano pang acronym na ginagawa ng mga taong tamad.

@#$^&%& sexual.

"Instead of straining to fit into a category, be it Metrosexual, Übersexual, or Gumamela (Self-Pollinating Organism), shouldn't one just try to be a man?"
-- Jessica Zafra, Twisted

Finally!! Thank you Miss Zafra. I am amazed at how these companies come up with labels to be able to reach out to their target market but what's more amusing is the fact that people readily accept these labels and consequently try to live up to the standards that come with it. The starstruck fan that I am commented,

"it's amazing how the "sexual" part stays. that says a lot about men. haha. i guess they come up with these labels because the MOST difficult part is to really be a MAN."

Nah, I'm not bitter or anything and i'm not even trying to fan the already big fire caused by gender discrimination but i think it's just so funny that "sexual" takes on a whole new meaning if separately taken into consideration. Men are really hard to find these days where @##^%sexuals rule. I'm not even talking about the "perfect man", I'm just thinking of the "typical-i-will-stand-by-my-decision" kinda man. It's just so sad.. but then again, it's also hard to find true WOMEN.

I shall end my entry with an excerpt from The Bald Man, a friend of mine, in his Peyups.com column entitled "Sino Nanaman Yang Dina-date mo Kuya?" which will in effect be a teaser to an entry i will write in the future...

"So I date women. Women who take risks, who are not afraid to go toe-to-toe with a stereo-typical male chauvinist who insists on being a gentleman in spite of current accepted attitudes towards treating women as equals. I insist on paying for my date. I insist on opening doors for her. I insist on driving and taking her home.."

Naks.

Let there be Grief

"Contrary to that popular belief, what I have come to realize is this: Grief is not the enemy, it's just Love's army. It is Love's way of telling you that it is still there, somewhere. It is the reminder. It is the signal that you live on, that you have truly Loved...When it comes to someone you love, you don't move on. You carry on."
-- Anj Danila, An Entry on Grief

It's a refreshing take on grief. I remember saying before that when i get hurt, i don't totally move on, i just carry with me the load of being hurt until i get numb. I, as a feeling person, try to live each day while grieving for things and people whom I can't be with anymore. It's true, for as long as you find it in your heart to grieve, it just makes you remember that you are still capable of loving. It's a nice thought to ponder on, I've always seen myself as someone uncapable of totally giving love but after realizing that each day, i feel pain.. then I am able to accept that i still can love. I am still loving, despite and inspite of the trade offs.

STARE

I dread the day that I have to utter my words of g'bye. I dread the day that I have to look at you in the eye and tell you that you did great but I have to leave. I dread the day that I will hold your hand and hug you for the last time. I dread the day that I will stop adoring you.

I dread the day that I have to break the mirror so i cannot see you- again.

My old self.

You're doin great but I need to be better.

Tsinelas parin.

You've been worried about someone you care for who's far away from you now, and you're pretty sure that they've been less than forthcoming with you. Well, that may be the case, but if you don't know all the details, let them slide. They may have been trying to protect you from something you really didn't need to know. Hang onto one of the traits your sign is famous for: patience. Remember, it can make or break a friendship.

"sus, kung signs ang pagbabasihan naten, baka mabaliw na tayo hindi pa ren naten mafigure out"
-AM

In relation to my "Quest for the Missing Tsinelas" entry, i'm posting this rock song from Kamikazee. Kaya pala sila nagwawala nun kinakanta nya ito dahil "tsinelas" ang nakataya. hehe.

"tsinelas"

nasan na kaya?
nandito lang kanina,
hinanap ko na sa lahat
pero di ko parin makita...
wala sa kwarto..
wala sa banyo..
iniwan dito..baka kinuha mo!!!!!

chorus:
Nasan ang chinelas ko!!!!!!!!!?????
(ewan kooo!!!!)
Nasan ang chinelas ko???!!!!!!!!
tsinelas ko
tsinelas ko
tsinelas ko ( mandy moore putang ina!)
Nasan ang chinelas kooooooooooo?????

bakit ka ganyan?
marunong ka bang magpaalam?
hindi ka pa nakuntento..
kinuha chinelas ko
sisikuhin kita sa hita.
paguuntugin ko ang tuhod mo..
pag hindi ako nakapagpigil susuntukin ko ang kilikili mo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

(repeat chorus)

Nasan na?
tsinelas ko..
(nasan ang chinelas ko?)
hindi naman sayo yan eh!!
bigay pa yan ng lolo ko!!
malambot yan sa paa!!!!
nasan na??!!
nasan na??!!
nasan na??!!

(repeat chorus)

Animosity in Anonymity.

A few weeks ago, people panicked after Friendster came up with a feature that allows members to view those who checked their profiles out. I was one of those people who freaked out because of my stalking habits. Then they came up with the option to view profiles anonymously. I was happy about it. Until everyone went anonymous thus making the first feature pointless. I said to myself, this has got to stop. Friendster should encourage openness, they should come up with the condition that for one to be able to view those who viewed him, he should be willing to be viewed too.

Friendster didnt bring me down. They came up with the solution. Let go of your anonymity to gain the right to know who's viewing you.

There's nothing wrong with checking other people's profiles once in a while. It's the normal thing to do. Im stripping. I will be viewing the profiles and i will not be afraid to let 'em know. Naks. But the real reason is... i want to know who's viewing me. Nakakakilig kasi e. Kelangan ko lang kiligin. Mababaw ako e.