Im Looking Forward to...

thanks to postsecret

I have nothing left to say. I'm exhausted. This is the last time i'm gonna whine over the uncertainty of this whole mess that we're in. I am moving forward. I am not leaving you behind but I am not gonna carry you. If you wanna walk beside me, then do so. If you wanna look at me from afar, then be it. I said yes to the date proposals, they're not indefinite anymore. It's not that you're not special, i just dont want to restrict myself from looking at other options, especially now that i'm getting tired of pretending... and you're not giving me things that i can hold on to.

If there's anyone i would wanna hold hands with, you know that it's you. Just ask. But then again, you're not you and i'm not sure if i am me. I think it's me who's digging deeper as of the moment. Tell me to stop and I will or maybe I wont. Either way, I WILL STILL SEE YOU AROUND.

The Strangeness of Men err.. a Man.

“Men are very strange… They can beat you up, shout at you, threaten you and yet they’re scared to death of women really. Perhaps not the woman they married, but there’s always one woman who frightens them and forces them to submit to her caprices. Even if it’s their own mother.”

--Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

Do I frighten you? Don’t you think I’m worth the risk? Well, I think you are. Despite all the analysis, all the looking at other options… today, I found myself thinking of what’s stopping you, me… us. Yeah, you annoy me at times, you make me roll my eyes, you make my friends roll their eyes, you are clueless, you offend me with your insensitive comments and ways but I still think you’re cute. As cute as the first time I decided that you are cute. Yes, you are strange. You don’t beat me up, you don’t shout at me, in fact you are too quiet, but you still intimidate me. You scare me because you are different. You are able to look at me straight in the eyes; you are able to share with me my passion for words. And yeah, your lips look good.

Japh: Mahal mo na ba?

Eunice: Wala pang pagmamahal na involved.

Japh: Mahal mo na no? Nakikita mo ba ang sarili mo na nagkikiss kayo?

Eunice: Ano ba ito. (sigh of resignation)

So there, my sem break already started. I got around three date proposals since Friday. All of ‘em want to either have dinner with me, watch a flick or drink coffee. To my mind I said, “Been there, done that.” I said an indefinite yes to all of ‘em. Why indefinite? Just in case.

Evil Prevails.

Some say that evil prevails when good men fail to act. But the truth is…EVIL prevails.

-Nicolas Cage, Lord of War

Does evil really prevail? When you look around you, I’m sure you are tempted to just nod at the suggestion that it does. How can you compromise the prevalence of good with the reality of suffering and injustice? How do you make yourself maintain that belief in the power of God when all around you, you see an infinite number of people whom while waiting for their own miracles, only experience more misery? I will not pretend, I know not of how difficult life can really get. I cannot fully comprehend why evil seems to have triumphed over good in the eyes of a lot of people. All I know is that I still believe. There is no explanation; I just choose to still believe. Evil doesn’t prevail, it’s just more flamboyant.

I don’t want to be remembered if being remembered means getting killed.
-Nicolas Cage, Lord of War

I was talking with my friend Japhet a few nights before, and we got into a discussion of how complicated our lives have become. Is there really a proliferation of suicidal men and women in this generation? I got into thinking of how dreadful the world has become when I heard this from a friend, “If I die tonight, it’s ok. I am ok with the idea of not waking up tomorrow.” I got alarmed because I was unconsciously nodding. I know I said I’m not suicidal, but there is a thin line between suicide and natural death. It’s so thin that I don’t think anyone will really know the difference. In the end, the people who love you will grieve over your death and those who don’t will attend your funeral, will dress in black but will never care.

Ang Pag-ibig.. BOW.

paloys : wala ka bang bufra diyan sa ateneo
jersee_d_goddess: nakupo, walang time.
jersee_d_goddess: (shit ako ba tlga nagsabi nun?)
paloys: ano ba, hanap ka ng boys. kaloka, hindi hinahanapan ng time yan
jersee_d_goddess : hahaha.. oo nga. mas importante ang boyps ano?
paloys :

ang relasyon, para yang tita na galing abroad. bigla na lang babandera sa buhay ng mga kamag-anak niya sa pilipinas."

ayun. sounds like Dubai.

Let's take it from the expert, Ateneo School of Law's Dr. Love a.k.a. Pepeng Kuryente:

"ang pag-ibig ay parang magnanakaw sa gabi.."

"Ang tunay na pag-ibig ay parang tsinelas.. sa dinami-rami ng sapatos,, babalik-balikan at hahanap-hanapin mo parin ang tsinelas.."

Need i say more? hehe.

Sa Wakas! Coffee Bean naman.

Jeyfet, Euns, Ces, Anna, Jose, Kate

At bakit ka nakasampay sakin Jeyfet?

teepees..

at ano naman ang tinitingnan ni jeyfet sa baba?

salamat AM at "sinabi" mo na mata ko lang ang kita.

Gabi sa Italianni's Para kay Kay...

ayon ka Kay, ganito daw ang itsure namin during Consti.. "dreamy-eyed"? ngii.

we're gonna miss that smile.

yihee KAY is "taking it off"

i siya, magpicture muna kayo.

"ano kaya itong regalo nila sa akin? sana naman hindi kalabaw..."

ateneo law jacket? haaaaaaaay.

payn, picture na lang.

kaya ko ito.. ikekeri ko mag-isa ang picture.

may higanti sa tabi ko... aaaaaaah.

kahit anong gawin mo, magpapa-cute parin ako.

Pepe! baka magselos.. alam mo namang seloso "sya". hahaha.

From POST SECRET

this is dedicated to myself.

to a friend who gave up on the Catholic Faith
to a friend who's havin a hard time with his life.

The Look of Bewilderment

"I noticed that most people get on rollercoasters in search of excitement but once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop. Do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, goin' round and 'round?"

----- Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

There are a lot of things that i do not comprehend in this life. One of which is that stage in a relationship where people are just in denial. When nobody acknowledges the truth that has to be faced despite the fact that it's staring straight at us, with its tongue stuck out and it's eyes widened in mockery. I do not understand why the two people who are willing and able to talk about that "thingamajiggie" with their friends, with anyone.. are not willing to talk about it with that other half of the dance. I do not understand the idea of making the other person feel bad by letting her know that in case she isnt available, there is an "other woman" who will take her place. I do not understand why we have to first inflict pain before we are able to inflict happiness.

I do not understand the concept of pretending. Well, maybe i do. I think we pretend all the time. We try to wear our masks as we go along our lives, as we interact with a lot of people and as we try so hard to live harmoniously with the idiosyncrasies of the world. We pretend to protect ourselves. It's an act of selfishness. Do we have the right to compel other people to pretend for us? Is it fair to ask of someone to pretend because we feel it's the best thing to do? I dont really know. I guess it's not about being fair, but it's about finding the perfect way to preserve that seed of potential that's already been planted but is not watered and taken cared of.

I do not understand the concept of being there all the time only to stop existing after things are sort of going great. I do not understand this whole game. There might be a lot of things that i dont understand, but if there's one thing i understand, it is this... i'm not giving you up, YET. I do want you to be out there, to be happy again, to go up, to achieve your dreams, to believe more in yourself. I want you to soar, with or without me. I want you to start burning again, not for anyone else but for yourself. I guess i dont know you that well, YET. I am trying to find my way to knowin you, but i need you to help me, to guide me through the whole process because i cannot finish your sentences for you all the time. This is complicated but what isnt complicated in this life right?

Mediocrity

"I keep us in the present and you look out for the future."
-- Scrubs

It's funny how women spend their time fantasizing err, agonizing about what "the future" will be for their relationships when men, only think of it (generally) one date at a time. I think it's better to be not too paranoid about it because happiness passes you by when you over-analyze things. Women,i believe, are more prone to planning ahead especially because it's women who become more emotionally-attached...and women are the ones who are compelled to wait (again, generally). But my life's been different, i used to date a lot, i used to meet up with men to just know what kinds are "out there". It was actually fun, i even used to see myself as a Serial Dater (thanks to Abby now Ava for coining that term for me). It got tiring. I dont know if i'm growing old or if it's because i basically know what "types" of men exist that i lost interest, but somewhere along the way, i just stopped dating.

I do not have a clear picture of who i wanna marry. I think it's mediocre. Quoting Paulo Coelho, "My loves die even before they're born." ..."If im looking for true love, i first have to get mediocre loves out of my system." but what really is a mediocre love? What is mediocre love for a woman, like myself, who looks back and is sure that she never really loved anyone that wholeheartedly?

I remember having this conversation with a friend about oblivioviousness and happiness. He asked me, "Is a person who can travel really better off than a person who doesnt get to travel but who doesnt really want to travel?" I asked him, "Why is he oblivious? I guess it's just his defense mechanism because he cant travel." But what if he honestly doeant want to travel? Is a traveller really better off? Well, i guess not. The same goes for love, for companionship... Is someone who is in a relationship with commitment better off than someone who doesnt really wanna be committed? But what if this person who firmly believes that she doesnt wanna be committed only has such a decision because she doesnt have a grasp of the happiness that she can actually experience when she finally decides to commit to a relationship? Is she still better off?

"Loneliness is the worst of all tortures."
---Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

I got into a conversation at Starbucks with a few of my friends and we talked about being single. One of us is scared of loneliness. Of not being in a relationship. One of us is tired of being a good girl. My other friend (who recently had the courage to get out of a pretty destructive "friendship" with that someone who doesnt really give him importance and who doesnt take care of him), during one of our Yosi breaks for the night, talked about how this OTHER GuY makes him feel that he is too dependent on him. Only after he decided to let go of him. Only when he decided that there are things that you have to let go of. That there are certain stories that has to end on a sad note. I saw the different faces of loneliness, aside from the kind that i'm feeling. THat kind that's concealed. THat kind that doesnt have any manifestation when other people are around. THat kind that haunts me and tortures me.

I smile all the time. I want to smile because i have reasons to smile. I want to REALLY SMILE.

Masyado kang Nakakapagod.

andami ko gusto sabihin.
andami ko gusto ikwento.
pero masyado pa akong pagod.
masyado na akong pagod.
andami ko gusto marinig.
andami ko gusto intindihin.
di lang ikaw ang napapagod
may karapatan din ako mapagod.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Why do people like the idea of getting drunk? For me, it’s because you feel more uninhibited and for a while, it’s STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER! (Ces introduced this term to us) After downing what seemed like gazillions of shots and bottles and glasses, it felt like things are so uncomplicated, like you can finally figure out how to make your life in order again. Yeah, that’s what you feel but in reality, there is no execution. Paano nalalaman pag lasing na ako? English-speaking na.

Tagaytay was like the formal END of our first semester in law school. I felt a pang of sadness because the finality that came with our overnighter overwhelmed me. I wish I could say that I am ready to face whatever the outcome of my actions will be, but I am not. Haay. Kalimutan muna ang kalungkutan.

Unang Kabanata: Ang Deliryo

The day started perfectly, I was feeling sexy so I wore my haltered backless top in the morning when I met up with The Perm and Associates. I was more than happy, I was deliriously happy… I should’ve known it was a prelude to a sad sad afternoon.

After the Philo exam, I broke down. I never felt so stupid after an exam. I had to get away from everyone. I told ‘em I’ll just wait for ‘em in Starbucks to think. I wasn’t in the mood to go shopping and to eat dinner. I needed to be alone. So Pepe gave me and Kiboy (who couldn’t come with us to Tagaytay because of a family thingie the next day) a ride to Starbucks. And just when all I needed was a table, the place was packed. I decided to go to one of the bars where people study, dropped my stuff, contemplated on crying there but instead I went to the washroom. I bumped into Cathy (Jots’ cousin) who still had an exam the next day, we sorta chatted about law school.. I was on the verge of crying but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. Then as if fate was making fun of me, Jots came out of the washroom. I had to again stop myself from breaking down. I remember him asking about the exam, and I told him to not talk to me about it because I think I was gonna cry. I didn’t think he took me seriously. I said g’bye abruptly and he said g’bye too because Cathy came out of the washroom. I had to rush inside. Then I cried. Shit. Parang telenovela. I cried inside Starbucks Loft’s washroom. Kadiri. Buckets of tears after, I went out of the washroom with my scary red eyes. I needed air. So I told Ey (a barista friend o’ mine) to just tell my friends, in case they get there before me, that I just took a walk. Krung krung no? I brisk-walked my way around Rockwell and bumped into Aiza. We talked (again) about the exam, and I cried. Yak. So I had to say g’bye to her again. That’s when I saw Ana and the gang. Ana walked with me and we decided to eat at Goodearth to cool down. There was only one thing in my mind at that time, I need a bowl of hot soup. Alas, that’s what I instructed Ana to order for me. Manifestations ng aking psychological incapacity ay nakikita na. Haha.

After our dinner / conversation about how it’s so unlikely of me to fall for this guy and how Ana thinks I really should be into “older and more stable men, we went to Starbucks. Ang init na e. Lea (a blockmate o’mine) came and so we chit-chatted. Then I fell asleep. Kasi nga, parang bata, pagkatapos umiyak natutulog. Argh.

Ikalawang Kabanata: Paspasan kung pasapasan..yeah boy!

The night before, we went on a fun fun fun ride to Gonuts Donuts in the Fort. Convoy na malupet. Pepe’s car is a pimp’s dream, therefore, we (Haze, Euns, Ces) decided to ride with him to Tagaytay. Hindi nya kami binigo. Isa itong TSG-TSG experience, think Fast and the Furious. The only difference was that he was playing his “love songs” inside the car. Ayun na, pangromansa si Pepay. Haha. The other peeps rode in Yvie’s van and Yvie, Kay and Mel rode with the BEST DRIVER of ALL TIME, MUMIEL! (tono ni Pepe). We convoyed our way to Yvie’s house in Laguna. Opo, Laguna… hindi Capiz, hindi Gen San.. Laguna lang sya. Yvie, you earned our respect, the time on the road that you had to endure everyday wasn’t easy. Astig.

When we (finally) reached Sannet’s house, we feasted on her dogs. (That didn’t sound right. Animal rights!) WE finally got to meet Yvie’s love of her life, her two adorable dogs. After what seemed like eternity, (si Pepay kasi nagkaron pa ng Photoshoot with the dogs) we were on our way to Tagaytay. Woohoo! Wait for me my dear Cuervo, we shall be one.

Ikatlong Kabanata: Kay Lamig ng Simoy ng Hangin.

Human warmth alert. On our way to Tagaytay, I decided to ride with Mumiel. Francis gave us instructions to meet up with him at Summer Breeze. One text message made us lose it, “Sinuntok ni Yves si Pepe. Dumudugo ang ilong nya.” I couldn’t remember the exact words, but the bottom line is, DUMUDUGO ANG ILONG NI PEPE. Ayun.

Kay lamig sa Summer Breeze. Sana nagdala ako ng lalaki. Sana may nasama akong handang magbigay ng human warmth. Argh. Kalimutan na nga ito.

Fast forward. Francis’ resthouse. It turned out that Geno and the rest of the peeps were waiting for us. They waited in front of the gate, for more than an hour I think. Harsh harsh world. Siguro si Manny Villar ang may kagagawan (he was at Summer Breeze, la lang).

Ikaapat na Kabanata: Strawberry Fields Forever Proper

What do people like us do to relax after one whole sem in law school? WE play scrabble. Seriously. The others sang their hearts out downstairs, and some just plain chatted… But Francis, Pao and uhmm, (sino nga ba un isa?) we played Scrabble. But it wasn’t an ordinary scrabble game (no, there was no stripping involved..) I played scrabble while intoxicating myself. Shot kung shot. Bahala na si Batman. Natapos ang gabi ng masaya. Kung bakit masaya? Kwentuhan… tawanan… lasingan. May mas sasaya pa ba dun? Pagktapos ng lahat, ako’y mapayapang natulog. I think I got text message from a friend about a missing sketchpad. I think I called him to tell him that I haven’t seen any sketch pad. Bakit ako tumawag? Ewan ko rin. Prior to that, I already replied and said the exact same thing. Kadiri, lasing.

Ikalimang Kabanata: Strawberry Fields Forever: The Aftermath

When I woke up the next day I told myself, “I need to puke.” I calmly went downstairs, the first washroom wasn’t available so I went to the washroom in the kitchen. Meliecar was there, I told her… “Susuka ako.” She thought it was so urgent so she finished her brushing her teeth abruptly. Di ko naipaliwanag na desisyon ko lang iyon. After I puked, I felt hungry. I tried to think about the events the night before. I only remembered the feeling of being free. Solb na ko dun.

We had plans to go to the beach but it didn’t push through because the rain was pouring really hard. Therefore, Alabang Town Center na lang. Tutal, isang oras lang naman pauwi ng Manila. Yun ang akala namin…

Ikalimang Kabanata: Lawst Students

NAWALA KAMI. Three hours. Laughtrip. Pagdating sa ATC, gutom na gutom na. Badtrip ang service sa Max’s.

Huling Kabanata: Deuce Bigalow.

Disgustingly funny. Dahil sa kapaguran, ako, si Kay at si Haze ay natulog sa sinehan. Dalawang beses namin “pinanood” un film, un isang beses, tulog na kami. Mapayapang mapayapa. We ate dinner at Luk Yuen. Paalaman. Balik sa Starbucks Powerplant. Balik sa realidad.

THE END.