A Letter to YOU Who Havent Come..

Hey, I dunno what you’re doing right now.
You maybe drinking coffee or watchin TV or listenin to the radio like me,
you maybe on the other side of the world, working, or reading a good book, or partying or looking at the bitter emptiness of your wall.
I dunno if we met, I dunno if we at least already caught a glimpse of each other.
I dunno if somehow we have influenced the things that are happening to both of us.
I don’t even know if you exist, I don’t know if you know that I exist.
All I know is that I’m waiting, consciously and unconsciously.
I’ve been anticipating that time when you will finally stop being an invisible entity in my life.
You make me smile, just the thought of you breathing the same air that I breathe,
drinking the water that I drink and staring at the same sky that I’m staring at.
You make me weep, thinking of how far you maybe from me or
of how near you are physically but infinitely far from a possible emotional intimacy.
You make me worry thinking of the bad things that might befall you now,
at this time when I can’t be there,
when I cant give you that reassuring look that things will eventually be ok.
You make me think, and in this process all I can do is give in to my imagination
and find optimism in this feeling of longing.
I’ve been in this journey for years now,
along the way I’ve met people whom I thought was you.
They resemble you, or maybe you resemble them.
I can never be sure,
‘coz you are just something intangible that I’ve been trying to hold on to and to keep.
I wont get tired of waiting,
because I know that in that one moment where we will recognize that we belong to each other,
all the grief and the tears will be like diamonds that would make our love glisten.
I’m not looking forward to a perfect life with you,
but I’m looking forward to a bumpy ride with you around.
If finally we meet, don’t look at me in the eyes too long,
I might get lost in the abyss of that magic that we will be entwined with.
Just hug me, and I know I will hug you back.
Don’t kiss me yet, coz your lips might make my lips tremble.
Just smile at me and I will smile back.
Go on with your journey still, we shall meet..
when that time comes we shall be one.

Emode Mode.. Test Results and Insults.. haha

Eunice, you like Mischievous meetings

A foreign affair with an exotic stranger. A surprise weekend getaway with your long-time love. These are the fantasies that fill your daydreams. When it comes to romance, your imagination and sense of adventure are in the driver's seat. You have a zest for life that welcomes spontaneity with open arms, and you look for a partner who has the wit and wiles to keep up with you...or to lead the way, as long as you're tripping the light fantastic together.While you love mystery and mischief in your romantic encounters, you're also not afraid to make a commitment to someone. You just make sure that keeping it interesting, passionate, and fun are high on their agendas, too. And that doesn't sound mischievous to us at all.

----this is so me.. i have nothing more to say.

Eunice, you're a dating don't when it comes to Attitude

Sure, sarcasm is funny. But negativity and pessimism can get downright annoying. After all, everyone's had their bad breakups and heartbreaks. So if you're hung up on the past, send that baggage on a one-way trip to nowhere and look to the future and all the hotties out there.It's time to start meeting people. Tell your friends you're ready to date and accept invites to anything from a book reading to a baseball game to the ballet. Follow your interests, take classes, hit the gym, hang out in your local café, or get on the Internet. Instead of wasting your time with negative thoughts, get out there and do something — even if it's just going grocery shopping. And don't forget to bring a pen and paper!

Eunice, your sexual personality is Omega-ETDN-9.

Your sexual personality is determined by your sexual persona (Omega), 4 sexual scales (Emotional/Physical, Look/Touch, Daring/Modest, Verbal/Non-verbal), and your libido score (9). As an Omega, you are someone who feels sexy, looks sexy, and really knows the ropes when it comes to lovemaking. Your sex appeal is more overt than others and your sexual confidence and awareness are particularly high.

Eunice, you follow your heart when it comes to success

You're an impassioned individual who just can't suppress your ideals. You've got a strong sense of right and wrong, and want to let people know when they've crossed the line. Sure, there are times when you sit back to hear both sides of an argument. But people had better stay out of the way when your fiery passions take hold.But just because you can be a bit of a rebel with a cause, it doesn't mean you're incapable of being understanding and compassionate. It's because you're so invested in your ideas and interests that you can work so tirelessly toward your goals and speak up for what you believe in. So keep pouring your heart into it. With conviction like yours, you're sure to succeed!

Future school, future workplace..

Oh well, I’m technically employed. I went to Makati last Monday to get my application form for Ateneo Law and to take the exam that I had to take for an alleged job opportunity at People Support. Had to pay 1,200 for the Ateneo Law application form per se, talk about the pressure to pass the entrance exam. Haha..

I arrived at the Robinson’s Summit before 2:30pm and I was expecting to have it done by around 4.. the whole process was time-consuming. I didn’t really have a hard time, no I’m not bragging but I know for a fact that my knowledge with respect to grammar isn’t average so I’m not surprised when I passed their exams. I found out that my typing speed’s 57 words per minute, and the ideal speed’s 30 words per minute, yihee! =) so there, they were ready to employ me when I told them that I’m still studying and that I have to go to school every Tuesday and Friday. The interviewer asked me if I can start right away and I had to be honest with my answer, I said no. so the next was also predictable, they asked me when would be the soonest date that I could start and I said it’ll most probably be this March. They said they’ll be expecting my call by then and that they’d check on me once in a while to know if I can be a part of their labor force already. Man, I was flattered.. I mean, they’re willing to wait. I wanna work but there’s something that’s stopping me to work in this particular workplace.



A man of my past is working there, he’s a supervisor trainee in People Support. Don’t get me wrong, we’re good friends now, but I dunno if I can handle being around him. I mean, we did have a past right? Plus, if his new girl’s there then it might become a problem not only for me but also for him. I don’t wanna be a cause of a fight. I know, it’s too assuming of me but I’m just looking at possibilities here.



‘Til March, I would have to look for another workplace, because quite frankly, I want my first official job to be something that I can look forward to and I can reminisce about after a few years. I don’t have anything against People Support, I checked their company’s background and I must say I’m impressed but I don’t have to put an end to my job hunt. After all, I want my decision to be something I won’t regret.

Losing Focus

I think I didn’t do well in my Econ 161 exam and I don’t have anyone else to blame but myself. My thesis, it’s not progressing the way I envisioned it to be. I need two recommendation letters and I don’t think I’ll get one from my Econ professors, I’m afraid I didn’t allow them to get to know the real me so they can’t really give justification to my qualifications. Things are piling up, I feel really bad. Not even a cup of coffee can cheer me up so I did what a sad gal would normally do. Curled up in my bed and watched Sex and the City reruns. I miss Carrie Bradshaw, I miss Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes and Charlotte York.. I miss Steve, Harry, Big, Aidan, Jack Berger, Stanford. I miss SEX and the CITY. And you can sense that it didn’t really cheer me up.

I guess nothing can cheer me up. I fixed my new pc, I finally got the modem to function so I’m using my new PC to connect to the internet for the first time. Still, it’s not cheering me up. I guess it’s loneliness that’s really killing me. It’s February after all.

The Family That Eats Soil

I had no idea a film can be as disturbing as what I experienced in this film. The experience totally blew me away in a positive and a negative kind of way. It was overwhelming, scary and out of this freaggin’ world if you know what I mean.

Last Friday, my day was as innocent as innocent can be, went to school, attended class and I was about to go home. It was my friend Gerald’s birthday so I needed to be in Taguig around 7pm. But as usual, the sucker for spontaneous thingies that I am, I gave in to self-imposed pressure. Annamitz waved at me while calling out my name to let me know that she was still there. Ok, maybe a coffee break won’t hurt, I thought. Then we thought of going to Gateway, a new mall in Araneta. I was ok with it, I mean, it’s ok to be late for a drinking session with my high school friends right? It’s kind of expected of me to be fashionably late. I called Atoy to tell him and Abby that we’re going to the mall, but they’re not in UP anymore and they’re going to the gym. Amitz and I didn’t feel disheartened, we still wanted to go somewhere else. Then JD, Rojo, Bebang, Ed and Donald came, a group of friends that I have, I love them coz they’re so different from me yet, we understand each other. Talk about unity in diversity. They told us about this film, The Family that Eats Soil. It sounded interesting so they convinced us to go with them.

Like the cliché, the rest was history. It was like the launching of a couple of short films and a full-length film [not] directed by Khavn. Who is Khavn? I have no idea, but I think he rocks! The first two short films were entertaining but profound. Its mystery lies in its lightness, in what is isn’t saying. Then the third short film starred Marvin Agustin. His performance was acceptable and the theme… it’s harsh reality. Blood, sweat, cussing and poetry are a bittersweet combination. It was emotionally draining, my heart was beating really fast because it felt like it’s how it should beat. I must admit, it’s good.

Then the full length film rolled without warning. The bittersweet combination was still there and more. I have no other word but DISTURBING. It makes you doubt, it makes you feel the uncertainty lurking and enveloping you. When is it time to laugh? To cry? To be serious? To be a mere observer? To participate? I guess it’ll take some time before I totally forget what I felt. Kudos Khavn, whoever you are. I’m looking forward to my nightmares, if their cinematography’ll be like yours.

Bilyanel

Six million jobs, forget about love
Our lives will be better,
Though now it’s bitter

A prostitute working
One government official requesting
Give me a “b” job, forget about love.

A debate is in session, think of its lessons
Let’s change the charter, some people
Are now bitter

A journalist revealing some secrets, earth-shattering
The culprit hires a killer to do
The job, show the journalist some “LOVE”.

Street children are hungry,
They found food in litter, eats it
Though it tastes bitter.

A glimpse of our country
And its millions of stories;
Millions of jobs needed, who cares about love
‘cause as of the moment, our situation’s bitter.

Big feet

I have big feet, very destructive big feet.
My ugly feet can get me to places
They often get dirty and sored…
My feet are imperfect, ugly.
But your hands, ahh!
They make my feet look good.

Y Speak? Why NOT Speak? Part 3

Overwait…

So there, I found someone whom I could talk to while waiting for my claim to fame. Floi and I just joked about how long we have been waiting and how hopelessly long the line was. We also laughed about our decision not to tell our “true friends” that we are gonna audition for the part. We chatted for hours and I can’t really remember what we talked about in detail. Finally, it was time for the line to move. ABS CBN here we come, and I thought “Aircon…”

When we entered the Studio I said hello to the guard. To my surprise, the guard said, “hi, parang familiar ka..” I was embarrassed. Great, now the others’ll think that I auditioned na before. Ok lang, baka dahil mukha akong artistahin kaya ganun. Hahaha..
I saw the SCQ people : Michelle, Janelle, Erich, Charles, Aaron, Pau.. err, DM? Cant remember.Erik Santos, Pokwang, Bianca __?__, Archie, and (drumroll please)

CHRISTIAN BAUTISTA.


Ok, I don’t really get excited when I see celebs but I couldn’t help it. I love this guy, he’s a schoolmate and I think he’s incredibly talented and cute. So, jologs na kung jologs pero I had to take his picture. Pichur! Pichur!

Audition, Odd-ition..

We were instructed to introduce ourselves in 20 seconds. I was eyeing these two good-looking women in front of me ever since I arrived ‘coz I had the impression that they have what it takes. They looked pretty confident (annoyingly confident, if I must say) that I was expecting that they know what they came there for. But unfortunately, the moment I heard them talk I realized that they thought they could get away with it by merely looking good. They’re obviously wrong, they were both cut short about 5 seconds from the time they began talking. I pity them. I’m not surprised that I didn’t feel nervous at all, how can I fuck up? Talking is like my nature, 20 secs is too short, I felt so confident. When my turn came I felt like I can do it flawlessly, and I did.. until this man asked me which episode of Y Speak I liked most. Good sign, he talked to me and he wants to know more about me. But I couldn’t remember any episode in particular, I was terrified. Breathe. I said something about homosexual marriage, only to realize that I saw it in Debate, but I got away with it because he interpreted it to be the episode where the topic was whether a guy who went into a relationship with someone gay is also automatically considered gay or not. Whew, that was close but doubt came seeping in. I DON’T THINK THEY’LL CHOOSE ME.

Aww yeah.

The guy said, “Those who wouldn’t be chosen will still be a part of the Y Speak Club. For the numbers I will be calling, we’ll contact you for the second screening. 250… 252.” He calmly announced.

“252!! 252!” it’s what came through my mind. he said 252, it was my freaggin’ number. I was ecstatic. Everything was worth it. There is a second screening. Woohoo! I was so happy. I went home with one newfound friend, Riza and we were just smiling from ear to ear coz she also got in. I like her personality, I think we can be friends.

I shall WAIT.

I did one teeny-weeny stupid thing, I only wrote my landline number and not my cellphone number. Maybe, unconsciously, I didn’t believe I would make it. So I can only hope that when they call, someone’s home or else my chances are ruined. But it’s all good, at least I got to the 2nd screening.. I SHALL WAIT.

Y Speak? Why NOT Speak? (part 2)

I Like Your Top

“Hi.” With an expectant smile I was so ready to launch into an engaging conversation. And he didn’t hear me, or pretended to not hear. Either way, I felt embarrassed. “I like your top.” It was my attempt to find out if he’s really trying to not talk to me or he didn’t really hear.

“Thanks.” That’s all he said and he immediately looked away. Great. He thinks I’m a freak who’s dropping a pickup line in the most romantic place, ABS CBN’s Audience Entrance. The thing is, I really liked his top, besides the fact that he’s real cute and that he looked so innocently yummy. I continued to talk to my newfound PUP acquaintances while deliberately talking a li’l louder for him to hear. It wouldn’t hurt to let him know that I’m from UP, maybe he’ll start to pay attention. And he did, it never fails. “What do you think are they gonna make us do?” I felt triumphant.

I looked at him, smiled and raised one of my brows. “Well, I’m not really sure but some people told me that we might be debating on a topic, Y Speak style. But that’s a rumor.” I faced him and began to give him my full attention.

He looked uncomfortable, “Ah, Di ba malaki sakin un top ko? Di ba parang pang matanda? “ then he began to fix his top and looked at me like a kid.

“Di naman, how old are you anyway? It looks good on you, where dya buy it?” I dunno if he just wanted me to repeat the compliment or he’s just not happy with his clothes. After much assurance, we finally conversed my way. I found out that he came from Dubai, and that he’s taking up Political Science in UP Dil, he’s 17 years old, name’s Richard. Young. Then we agreed that a correspondent shouldn’t alienate himself by trying too hard to be profound. We also agreed that it’s more of the entertainment value of a point that’s more important. We know a lot of the student guests of Y Speak and we felt like nobody really listened even if they made very good points because they didn’t deliver it attention-grabbing enough. We talked about law school, our courses, being and not being an activist, blahblahblah.. then, the line moved and we had to part ways. Goodbye hottie, hello boredom.

Follow Me and Everything is Alright

I met a group of entertaining people, a barkada nice enough to adopt me for a few minutes while I was trying to figure out who to talk to and who to hangout with while I was waiting. They live near my place and they remind me of my high school friends, carefree while talking about the things that I don’t allow myself to discuss anymore. They remind me of how I would be contented to just laugh without being intellectual. I don’t know if I like that part of me now, I’d like to think I developed more sense, more profundity. It seemed to easy to please them, and for a second I missed being shallow. Just when I thought I would be stuck with them, I noticed someone who wasn’t talking. He was, like me, alone. I remember my first words to be, “Kamusta ka naman diyan?” and he just smiled. But I didn’t feel disheartened, most of the people I try to establish a conversation with react that way. They feel shy, uncomfortable with the idea of a woman stranger making the “first move”. I found out that his name’s Floi Wycoco, he was nice enough to be my involuntary companion. He didn’t have a choice, he was next in line with me. Haha,, a 19 year old Thomasian taking up Asian Studies. I was like, “ So what do you study in Asian Studies? Is it like 2nd year high school history?” he finally felt at ease with me. We looked at the very long line of applicants and decided to be friends.

--- to be continued --

Y Speak? Why NOT Speak?

If there’s one thing that I’m very proud of about myself, it’s my ability to follow my dreams and achieve them if I really put my mind (ok, and heart) into it. Last Thursday, I did something for myself, at first it seemed like a stupid idea, it seemed like no one’s taking me seriously but my passion for it dominated my fears. I auditioned in ABS CBN to be a Y Speak! Correspondent. You can laugh now , I know you’re giving me a very weird look. It’s ok, it’s what my Mom gave me when I nonchalantly uttered my announcement, “ Pupunta ko sa ABS sa Thursday, naghahanap sila ng correspondent for Y Speak.” She laughed. I didn’t, and she realized that her daughter’s seriously contemplating in being on TV. For me, it’s inevitable. If there’s something that I’m sure I’m good at, it’s being the center of attention. I love the attention, may it be positive or negative. I love being talked about, I love being watched. In fact, I think I’ll be one of those people who’ll love being stalked. PSYCHO. It’s a craving I never outgrew. I would always look back at the time when I joined Little Ms. SM and won, I would always think of what might have been if my parents allowed me to continue to be in showbusiness, maybe I wouldn’t be in UP Diliman studying Economics but I’ll be one of the many Star Circle artists. Maybe, but that’s fiction.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So there, until the morning of Thursday, I was very hesitant of going to the audition. I didn’t have anyone to go with me, I didn’t know how to commute going to ABS CBN and I wasn’t sure if a fat and ordinary-looking not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman would be appropriate for the role. Am I TV material? Am I eloquent enough? And the biggest question was, could I actually get out of my bed now and turn my back at the idea of just relaxing the whole day at home? Well, to make the long and boring story short, I did. I wore my pink shining-shimmering Buffalo stariray pants, my white look-at-me-and-please-do-take-me-seriously long sleeves and my maong I’m-not-that-dressed-up-buti-na-lang-fashion-is-my-life trench coat with of course, my pink and white don’t-you-dare-think-I’m-here-to-just-play mules. It was the best I could do, if I’m gonna flunk the audition, at least I have to look good. Finally, I dragged my ass out of my house and then… Rain poured like it was just waiting for me to decide before it thoroughly dampen my mood. Very good sign, you know what they say about rain = blessing. I had to dwell in that concept or else I would’ve headed back home. When I arrived in Megamall, I found out that another very unfortunate thing has befallen me. I stained my pants, I leaked. RED ALERT. DUGO. Blood. S-H-I-T. It was like neon signs were all over the place with the words. “Go HOME Eunice, you’re so not gonna qualify for the job.” I felt so fucked, so betrayed by my own blood. It was nature’s way to mock me for having too much faith. But then again, I’m one stubborn biatch. Nature wants to play, then I will play. I couldn’t take the stain off completely but wadda heck, kekerihin ko ito!

Almost There But Not Really

I rode the MRT and decided to take the cab from the Quezon Ave. station, I had no idea how to get there. I was just too glad that my cab driver knows his way around Kyusi, finally, I thought. Things are looking pretty ok. Great, when I got in the cab, it seemed like the driver seriously assumed that I work for ABS but when I made him drop me at the audience entrance, I think he dismissed me to be one of those MTB groupies who just dresses well. Then things began to fall into place, first, I made the right decision to make the cab drop me off at the audience entrance. When I asked the security guard where the Y Speak thing is, he pointed at a very long line of all kinds of YOUTH. He said something which made me feel good, “Ito na ang pambato, mukhang magaling.” I was flattered. I don’t care if he was just being sarcastic, still. I looked around and a lot of them are checking me out, not in a hooking up kind of way (I rarely get checked out nowadays), they were trying to weigh if I was part of the tough competition. Most of them came with their friends, but it wasn’t like I was petrified, not even intimidated, in fact I felt more powerful. I got strength from the fact that I went there alone, without anyone convincing me to go, and it says a lot about how much I wanted to be there. The usual outgoing me emerged, I began to talk to everyone around. When I went there alone, I didn’t intend to wait for my turn in silence. I met a bunch of PUP students, most of them are Mass Comm studes, younger than me and they were very friendly. I was glad. Then my HOTTIE RADAR alarmed. I said to myself, “ This is beginning to be more interesting than I expected.”

--- to be continued ---

Tale of the Runny Nose, Loose Bowel Movement and Achy Breaky Heart

I’m a very healthy person, I rarely get sick and sometimes it bothers me. When I get sick, it only lasts for a few hours and then it’s gone, so when I excuse myself let’s say, from school or from a meeting and give my being sick as an excuse, I feel that no one believes me. It bothers me because I feel that it isn’t normal not to have even a mild fever from time to time. But what I found out this Christmas vacation is that my body gets sick in a “one time, big time” kind of way. When I whine about not getting sick (atoy knows this) I didn’t have a getting-sick-during-vacation scenario in mind. Well, it happened. I suffered from a humiliating runny nose for weeks and during New Year’s eve, I had diarrhea, to top it all off, I had a mild fever until today.… err, talk about a bummer!

Fate is really cruel to me. Fate loves to just knock me off my feet but not in a positive kind of way. I am not a morning person, at least not after summer (when I would always wake up at 5 in the morning, thanks to my movie buddy Anthony). So, when I decided to wake up early to go online to listen to Joe Schmoe’s ( 99.5 RT’s dj) goodbye show, I was in a very good mood. After the show I went online. SUPRPISE, SURPRISE.. Two of the men in my past went online. I didn’t know what I was supposed to think, whether it’s funny, lucky or unfortunate for me. For a split second, I thought of ducking out of the way (paranoid, paranoid). Thanks to the Yahoo Messenger, they didn’t have any idea how nerve-wracking it was for me. I said hi to both of them and yes, we all get along just fine. As usual, I never really made them see that at one point or another they caused me so much pain. I do acknowledge the fact that although they played major parts in my emotional rollercoasters but a greater part of my pain is self-inflicted. I made them turn away. I’m very talented in that area. Our conversations weren’t really as deep as it used to be. It’s the kind of conversation that you get after people fall out of love, the “hi-how are you-are you seeing someone now” conversation. My answer was the expected, “hello there - I am doing great – I’m not formally seeing anyone” cliché. It’s partly true, I’m really doing ok, in fact I don’t wallow in a corner and think about them, out of sight out of mind. And yes, I am not formally seeing anyone, not even informally seeing anyone. I AM NOT SEEING ANYONE, PERIOD. It hurts me, oh no scratch that, I resent the idea that they are seeing someone and that they found someone better than me while I have no one. STORY OF MY LIFE.

Someone asked me what happened to Mr. Out of My League, well, first and foremost I just wanna make it clear that he’s out of my league not because he’s drop dead gorgeous or really intelligent or filthy rich (please, I wouldn’t accept defeat if it’s just that) but because he is not into women. Yup, he’s gay. We can only be secret lovers – yeah, I did watch So Happy Together – I am a bonafide Drama Queen. I know, I know.. it’s funny. I smile too when the idea hits me.

According to my friend Paloys, someone who doesn’t regret anything is either living an unexamined life or is delusional. I guess I am, uhm.. Delusional. Har, har.. it’s his reaction to my YM Status Message, “Je ne regrette rien.” When I say I don’t regret anything, it’s actually a combination of not regretting the things that happened by accepting that they can never be reversed. It’s acceptance, it’s admitting that although we wanted something different, we can adjust to what happened and reformat our life plan. It’s 2005, I hope this year’ll rock not only for me but for everyone. I still have faith after all, just like everyone else, I still believe that if you hit rock bottom, you have a choice. It’s either you’ll dig deeper or you’ll tell yourself you’ve had enough and find your way back to the top. I love being on top (winks).

--- I wanna thank my new found dearie / kapwa-may-sayad Atenista friend /snake charmer / yummy guy Sam. I’m deeply flattered when you said that I give the smartest answers all the time, thanks for saying that out of nowhere. Apir! I should start believing that myself. Hehe,, you’re a sweetie. Kung benta ako sa’yo, edi benta ka rin sa’kin. Say hi to your Paragon Plaza gay stalker for me, I think you should give him a chance. Just kiddin bro.