Last Friday, I was told that probably one of the biggest reasons why things have not worked out in the romantic area of my life is because being with me is messy.
I have a life that includes everyone and that is published through my online posts. It really can get very overwhelming for new people to commit to.
The biggest irony is, and my real friends can attest to this, I am very private when it matters. I rarely share personal issues, never take pictures when I am (or I think I am - but that's a different matter altogether) on dates, and even take time before I feel comfortable talking about my feelings in relation with any situation.
I avoid emotional conversations, clothe my words with sarcasm and cope through humor to make things light. The difference between my public persona and private persona, admittedly, can get quite confusing when someone takes the time to actually get to know me.
Today, I recognize this divide and my inability to change it for the following reasons:
1. I am generally a sucker for documentation. I have always been.
Ever since I started to write on my own journal in high school, until I created my blog in college, I have always believed in capturing moments and writing them down so I can look back and remember how I felt when they happened. My feelings are my own, the fear that I will start forgetting is real. Facebook is like a diary and although I don't exactly narrate everything, they are my memory aid for the future. I may not have said it when I posted a picture of me smiling with friends on this particular day but 20 years from now, I will see what we were wearing and remember that I cried my heart out because I got hurt and still decided to smile for a picture because I knew that I was going to be ok.
2. I don't believe in burdening people with my feelings before I am absolutely sure that I can trust them with it.
Don't get me wrong, I like listening to and being there for friends but it has never been always two-way. Sometimes, I listen to understand and get to know them so that one day, I can be secured enough to let them in. I have a big group of friends with a small group that has actually seen me at my worst. It takes sooo much time before I am comfortable enough to share how I feel because when I do that, I almost always cry for the most shallow reasons but mostly, out of disappointment.
3. The hardest thing for me is to turn my back on someone or something and say goodbye.
As a true blue sentimental person, I have always lived with a belief that people have inherent goodness and that the goal is to hold on to this goodness until it becomes dominant. Some see it as a messianic complex, I see it as a choice to remain hopeful. It is true, a lot of us will never really change but there will always be some who only need to hear that you believe in them so they can finally take that leap. I want to be that someone who encourages and remains when everyone has left. My ability to be calm in the most stressful of situations is just a manifestation of my belief that things do fall into their proper places and that's how I am with people, too. I have no problems with giving a friendship or relationship everything I have, to hurt myself to exhaustion until I can't anymore, because I don't believe in a life that does not promise redemption.
And when I decide to go, I feel that my strength failed, too. This is my greatest flaw. I feel responsible for everything that I have been involved with. I feel that, somehow, I fail when people fail.
One of my favorite moments this year happened during a normal coffee break, this thoughtcatalog article on empathy came up and I told my friend, "Buti na lang hindi ako empath. Ayoko talaga ng emotional conversations." He said, "But you are. You don't know it but your empathy is overwhelming. That's why you are able to help me and why people come to you for advice." I wanted to hug him for saying it, instead, I said, "No. I'm not. I suck at these conversations. I never know the right words and I feel so awkward." He just smiled and let me be.
I appreciated it and him because he let me be.
So, in 2017, I learned that people will misunderstand me all the time. I learned that I am like a schizophrenic package that brings people together but also pushes some away.
In 2018, I will learn to be clearer in my intent and actions but most importantly, I will learn to be more vocal and clearer about my feelings.
After all, I have all the friends that I need, and they have made it clear that I will always have them - no matter what.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Time to win some and lose some.
#LetTheFeelingsBegin
