The Pain in Expectations

Boracay, May 2013

It starts with a promise - with images of silly games and childish banters that evolve into quiet nights and comfortable silence. It's a sugar-coated trap that initially makes you believe and inevitably leaves you wondering.

What's wrong? Didn't you once say that there is beauty in wondering? That a certain sense of fulfillment springs when, in your solitude, you are able to make the puzzles fit? The mistake is in taking that leap, that hop, that tiny single step from fantasizing to the tragedy that is wishful entitlement.

Don't you remember? There is a fine line between imagination and expectation. The thing with this pain is that it slowly inhabits your heart, with stealth and deception, until it lethally bleeds.

Let Us Not Get Distracted

Maybe we should go on and pass a law on cyber unjust vexation. Oh wait, that's what unfriending, blocking and hiding are for. Do it. Lest you want to be further annoyed. Making a fuss out of the cyber crime law, making a fuss out of how pointless these acts of sharing / liking / commenting / changing of profile picture, and making a fuss out of why people find that these cyber acts are pointless?

Same thing.

These are all demonstrative of why the freedom of expression should be upheld and protected. Aren't we all supposed to be in this together?

Our battle is against the oppressive provisions. Not with/against each other.

Walang Basagan ng Trip

Kung hindi nyo trip ang cyber activism, huwag niyo gawin. Walang pumipilit sa inyo. Siguro nga, sa mata ng ibang perspektibo, napakaliit ng epekto nito kung ikukumpara sa ibang anyo ng aktibismo. Pero ang akin lang, kaya ko wall ito, at kaya ko profile ito ay dahil malaya akong sabihin at gawin ang gusto ko. Kung hindi ko pwedeng gawin dito, saan pa?

Kapareho lang yan ng kalayaan ng kahit sino na i-block o i-hide ang mga posts o tao na sa tingin nila ay nakakapagpapangit ng sarili nilang cyber-mundo.

Ang kalayaan, hindi man totoong hindi limitado, ay kalayaan na marunong rumespeto. Ang pagkumpara sa kung ano ang nagawa mo at nagawa ng ibang tao ay katulad ng pagsasabi na mas mabigat ang problema mo sa problema ng katabi mo.

Kaya nandito ang cyber-espasyo ay para bigyan ng boses ang mga taong hindi kayang makipagsabayan sa buhay na tinatawag mang totoo ay hindi naman masasabing mas totoo sa kung ano ang nakikita, nababasa, at nararamdaman sa nilikhang cyber-kalawakan na ito.

Walang basagan ng trip. Sabi nga ng MYMP, "Hindi lang ikaw, hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan."

The Improved Love

Whoever said that love is a two-way process hasn’t experienced true love. Quote me on that. It’s someone who hasn’t experienced love as it is conceptualized to be, madness. Love is always one-way. That two-way thing? It’s a relationship. To love is to not mind loving and giving more, even if what is received in return are half-smiles, rejections cushioned by the beauty of friendship, and happiness that is founded on pain. With true love, no one feels fooled, no one feels used because everything that it produces is whole-heartedly offered, with or without hope of eventually building a relationship. True love is nothing less than being able to initially self-destruct and ultimately self-construct.  It is independent of what if’s and why’s.

But when and where does it end? It ends when love is not lost but wasted. It ends when your sense of self is downgraded into a concept that cannot stand on “I” alone but on an involuntary "US.” it ends when respect is placed in one corner, ignored and undefined.  It ends when another love begins, like love for self, love for love, love for your love to love.

Even if it ends, it is never really forgotten. The memory of that moment remains. Vivid, and as tangible as it can get, bringing the same surge of emotions that it used to bring when it was bound to end.  Only, you’re stronger. You are more capable of understanding, of surviving, of loving. Only this time you have learned, and with learning is your ability to love better.

Someday, you’ll find it in your heart to love best.

The Hanging Memory

Remember how I would put my arms around your neck

so you can actually feel the beating of my heart?

How you would let this moment linger

by pulling me closer  and letting the space 

(or lack thereof) define

this fleeting memory?

Remember when what used to be a loving embrace

became the agonizing fear that choked us into

letting go?

Remember when I said I love you,

and you said you love you, too?

Don't Be a Stranger

Dear You,

Let me start by saying that I understand why I write to you. Reading all my past letters,  I’ve always thought that I’m doing it for you – that I was writing so when I finally meet you, you wouldn’t be a stranger to me. Now I know better.  I write them not as mere letters but as prayers.

“Did I waste my life?” My friend asked me this question a number of times when he was celebrating his birthday and I would, like instinct, say without a shadow of a doubt that he didn’t. We didn’t. I have to admit, sometimes I feel empty. Sometimes I feel like I could’ve done more than I did. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have succumbed to fear. Maybe I should’ve believed more in my worth.

See, I write to you so I will remember these days. I write to you because I feel that somehow, somewhere, you get me.  I write to you because when my Facebook wall is filled with wedding invitations and baby pictures, I find comfort in knowing that in time, I wouldn’t feel a sting anymore.

I still believe in you. I still believe in us.

One day, when I tell you stories and show you pictures of how I have partied hard, had countless conversations over coffee with friends, and read books to keep myself grounded, you will unequivocally say that it’s time to spend my life with you.  When that day comes, I will gladly inform you that I have been spending it with you – in my heart, in my soul… in my dreams.  

Love,

Me

RH BILL: My Stand While Kneeling Down

I don't think my faith in God and my support for the RH Bill are mutually exclusive. Frankly, it is precisely this faith that pushes me to believe that people should be allowed and, more importantly, be given the OPPORTUNITY to live a life of quality. It is this great appreciation for the blessing that is life that convinces me to dream that the RH Bill, although OBVIOUSLY not a panacea, will strengthen the Filipino family and uphold this sense of responsibility for the future of the next generation.

 When I am asked to kneel and pray the anti-RH  Bill prayer during the Holy Mass, I do kneel and thank God that He has given me the free will to pray my own prayer and the discernment to stand my ground for what I believe is right not only for me but for my country.

We need to give the next generation a fighting chance.

 Pass the RH Bill NOW.

The Deceiving View

Wave Front Beach Resort, Barangay Poctoy, Odiongan, Romblon

We were once like the sea and the clouds seen from afar.

We meet, effortlessly and with conviction.

Yet, the path we pursue do not reveal a point of contact,

One day, I will be someone’s mountain,

So I can meet my sea or reach my own set of clouds.

Forgetting how I was once your sea and you were my unreachable sky.

 

2011.

2011 was a colorful blur. It seriously was. It was a year of parties, cultural trips and eventful career-related drama that didn’t give me the permission to be still. Looking back at the year that was, I can say that it was more than eventful, it was  a year of being bullied into constantly keeping up with what’s happening with my life as well as that of my friends’. It felt like we were a bunch of tributes in our own personal version of Hunger games. It was a celebration of meeting new friends and reconnecting with the old and really reliable ones as we journey and constantly seek that one thing (or one million things, whichever is applicable) that we are passionate about. We weren’t aimless but we were confused.  There were a number of moments where we collectively asked the wonderful one-word question that is, “Why?” and hesitantly moved on. 

Yes. In 2011, we learned to move on.

The running joke that teases 2011 to be a 2012 wannabe may be apt to describe what kept me busy during the year. It really felt like I was out there, trying to do everything I can to try new things, acquire new experiences and indulge in them. That was the perfect word, INDULGE. It was a year of crazy indulgence. If 2011 was to be remembered for something, it was the year that I created an insanely big number of photo albums in Facebook and got me addicted to the lomography effect in Photoshop. It was like I was trying to hold on to every single memory created because it was a year that was worth looking back on.

What characterizes this eventful year will not be the series of major events that transpired because quite frankly, there weren’t a lot of those, but the series of surprisingly unforgettable minor events made special by the company that I had. For this, I am forever thankful.

We had a good run, 2011. You’ve been a bitch, but you’re OUR bitch.

Overweight. Overwait.

You lose what you don’t want to,

retain what you want to be rid of.

You wait and feel the weight.

You weigh if it’s worth the wait.

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image from POSTSECRET

Same Old. Same Ode.

Because what happened is happening,

And I already saw what I’m seeing.

I helplessly felt what I’m feeling.

I’m bound for the same old ending.

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image from Tumblr