The Honor in Pain

image from ThingsWeForget

“I wake up, feeling nothing. At one point, I was looking forward to seeing him with another woman so I can feel again, but when I did, that thing that I was scared of happened. I felt nothing.” (7 September 2011)


Last night, after a wonderfully challenging Quiz Night in Capricciosa, Greenbelt 3, three of my friends and I opted to end the night with a round of alcohol. Yes, we do one rounds, surprisingly and we are capable of doing a post game analysis of a Quiz Night pretty well, too. Naturally, after what seemed like a never ending round of jokes oozing with sarcasm and a plan to organize THE party of the century, we got into a discussion of our mutual status of WALANG WALA (totally nothing). It all started with a realization of my and another friend’s inability to write again. If you know me, you will understand the frustration that I am feeling for being unable to write anything. I am pretty passionate about capturing raw emotions and writing about them in my blog. I feel that through that exercise, I am able to treasure extraordinary memories so I can look back someday with a contented look in my eyes.

Something must be wrong. A Eunice that does not feel is not the real Eunice. I am able to extract feelings by merely looking at a stupid chair, how can I not feel anything about something?

I have been wondering for the past months about what state I am currently in. I’ve been running around this city and a few cities outside, doing everything and nothing. I go home late, feeling happy about what I have accomplished and drifting to sleep with a smile on my face. Yet, when I wake up, I feel that nagging feeling of emptiness. It’s like I am complete but someone or something has taken away a part of me that I can never get back. Then I get dressed and that fleeting feeling of emptiness disappears, magically and alarmingly.

Then, Kris Aquino dragged me to hell, err reality. While I was preparing to go to work this morning, I was half watching, half deciding what to wear, when Melissa Ricks began to talk about her breakup with her long term non-boyfriend who recently announced that the breakup was mutual only to be refuted by Melissa’s silence when asked to confirm that declaration. Kris said, and I quote, “Boy always tells me that you have to honor your pain.”

CRAP. You have to honor your pain. And just like that, everything became clear. It actually is true. Although the happiness that I feel with the people I spend my time with, I believe, is genuine –and I’d like to think that their happiness is, too… almost all of us are actually in pain. We talk about it, jokingly, sometimes with a hint of wisdom but we never really dwell on them. May it be the pain of not being able to love, to the pain of not being loved back, the pain of doing something that you’d rather not do, the pain of not doing anything, the pain of doing everything and not being recognized for your everything - we all are in different levels and categories of pain.

We are not honoring our pain. We are looking past them, like they are informal settlers being concealed by pretentious colorful walls along a main highway. We know they exist but we’d rather ignore them because honestly, it scares the shit out of us.

I remember writing about living with pain and I said, “One thing I learned about living is that, “Pain is inevitable.” The moment you are able to come to terms with that, you realize that pain, really, is just a wonderful front act. You get hurt, once in a while, with some periods more painful than the others.”

Therefore, I take it back, once in a while, you have to let pain get to you. You have to sometimes honor your pain, dwell on your weakness and allow others to be strong for you, instead. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have anything to look forward to.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again –“Live with pain but don’t live IN it.” Honor your pain so you can honor happiness more. A real victory is not won from beginning to end. A real victory is being hurt, injured, and scarred for most of the battle but emerging as the survivor. A real victory takes away everything from you only to give back everything and so much more.

A real victory honors pain but lives through it so stories may be told and memories may be passed on. A real victory looks at pain through its mocking eyes and says to its face, “I honor you but, bring it on, motherfucker.”

I Got You

One night, I promised I’d someday write about you, and tonight, I shall keep that promise.

I have an inkling of how you feel. I see in your eyes what I used to see when I look at my reflection in the mirror. I see longing, I see grief, and most importantly, I see a lack of understanding. How can it hurt so much and when did it start to hurt this much?

You don’t know what hit you. One moment, you are busy enjoying your time together and the next, you become aware of what particular things you love about that time. Then, you love.

That isn’t the problem. The problem is that she doesn’t love you back, at least not in the same perspective that you love her.  You swear, no one will ever love her the way that you love her, but it’s not enough. It will never be enough.

If only you can freeze time and hold that scene that constantly haunts your dream. The scene where you held her hand, looked into her eyes and she did not let go – of your hand and of your eyes.

You know that every step that she makes on that fateful day will be one step away from you.

I kept my promise because I am inclined to make another one.

I promise that you will be fine.  It will hurt, it will feel like it can last a lifetime, but it won’t. And you will love again. It is true, nothing will ever compare to her but I assure you that every time you love, it is a love that is incomparable.

In the meantime, I will be there to hold your hand and remind you that someday, everything will be worth it.

I will never let go. I got you. 

The Throat

The Dream Sequence

I remember when I was in grade school, I would dream of prom night as some kind of a panacea. I imagined myself to be dramatically transformed into a swan from being the ugly duckling that is my normal self. I’d dream of being asked out to be someone’s date, of slow dancing and of an innocent good night kiss that will become the topic of a month long conversation with my girl friends, making a blow by blow analysis of what transpired that night and of how I was swept off my feet by my date. Then it didn’t happen. I, as a consolation prize, won the In Full Bloom award, affirming my inkling that nobody expected me to be extraordinarily pretty.

So I started dreaming of college – of how I’ll meet a ruggedly handsome artist who will blow me away with his eccentric ideas. I vowed to be fashionably unique, oozing with self confidence that no one would dare question how much of a girlfriend material I was. In my mind, and maybe, in my heart, I knew that if I finally find him, he would have no choice but to acknowledge that I was the one. Then it sort of happened. I found a lot of guys who resembled ‘him’ – the one. Only, they all turned out to be nothing more but segments of my serial dating. Yes, a lot of them were artists, but no, they did not blow me away, except that there might have been a handful who inadvertently tricked me into taking the leap. I fell for the sinfully cliché prototypes – the jock, the artist and the best friend. These fleeting amorous adventures unfolded into open ended romantic comedies that left me with no other choice but to dream again.

Naturally, I dreamt of law school. Because, really, who would not fall in love with someone who can just sit with you the whole day, inside the library, inside the coffee shop, or inside ‘God knows what place’, reading in silence without feeling like it’s been too long since you last talked? I told myself, if I cannot make someone fall in love with me this way, I cannot make someone fall in love with me. And you guessed it right, no one fell (By no one I mean someone whom I cannot seem to find in my heart to fall for and well, that simple and basic definition of no one that is NONE since I was busy falling in love with someone who was busy falling in love with someone else.)

 I became a lawyer and to put it bluntly, for a time, I could not seem to find it in my heart to dream again.

At one point, one would expect me to be broken; licking my badly wounded heart to at least make it beat decently, and perhaps, that could have been the logical expectation. Only, I realized that I need not be logical about love. I still want to dream of magic and madness and everything that comes between logical and stable love and head over heels, ‘ Hell, I will die for you’ love. I guess the only way for the dream to continue is for one to live the dream.

I am living it. I owe it to my puppy-eyed self in grade school, to my ‘I want to be swept off my feet’ self in high school, to my ‘ready when you are’ self in college, to my ‘I want to be still with someone’ self in law school – and most importantly, to my ‘I have been waiting for you all my life’ self when I finally find him. A series of heartbreaks is a minor detail. The major detail is this: LOVE IS WORTH IT.

No matter how long it takes. No matter how hard it gets.  I am ready.

The Corner of Wonder

‎


We'll always have our corner-
where our dreams meet and people wonder how 
we can still be there 
without wondering.


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image from Poor Artists

I Write.

I could be writing this for you. I remember how I looked at you from afar with a stare that could make the hardest and most stubborn of metals melt, only to look away during that split second that allows our eyes to meet.

 I see you, clearly, you never see me.

There are times when I would allow my mind and my heart to wander into the possibility that is you and me… where your hand will not only hold mine but will keep it entwined with yours. Where you will keep me still through a grip that says it all -

"I will never let go."

We say a lot of words but we never really talk. Words come easy, and there are nights that seem to go on forever. Topic after topic, we wonder and wander through silly things, deeper things, but never through our feelings. I dream of you, not the teeny-bopper daydreaming. It's the kind that pierces through my heart that not only skips a beat but stops when confronted with the possibility that it’s you. It could be you.

And then there’s that problem, it’s so minute that I tend to purposely forget. We are nearing the end, way before we even start.

I could be writing this for you… If only you will stay or at least say, or promise me that fateful day When I don’t have to perpetually weigh.

 I am writing this for you.

For everything that’s been left unsaid, for sweet-nothings that have become everything, for silly non-fights, and childish banters… for future goodbyes and occasional bittersweet hi’s. For everything that we shared, for emotions we couldn’t share, for the fun times and for the awkward times…

Don’t just not forget but remember, I wrote this for you.

Just so I can remember… that this could be a prelude to never or forever.

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Hitch: Basic Principles

"... no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she.

You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings!

What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom."

-HITCH

On Emotional Diabetes, Regrets and Star Stuff

"The need for love is akin to emotional diabetes. Who needs another when you can produce insulin yourself?"

-Pao Soriano

Last night was supposed to be “SAKITAN NIGHT”, an event that happens every Monday in Good Earth Roasts, Rockwell with my closest friends in law school, just because a live band plays emo songs and we are reminded of our stupid mistakes in the past. True to its form, there were painful moments, especially when you are put on the hot seat and are made to realize that you’ve been doing it all wrong. With some twist of fate, Paopao, my source of joy in law school, was in the area, and he became our very able guest for the night. In the words of Jason, he was our “neutral”, especially because they’ve decided to dub me as the negative thinker and they, with much protest from me, are the optimistic ones.

I don’t know if it was the alcohol (which I would assume, Joan and Paopao will not agree with since they only consumed sugar), or the fact that we, once in a while, long for meaningful conversations that hit the spot, but hell we were talk show productive. We started with the question, “When did you realize that you are smarter than the others?” went on discussing more mundane stuff like using the statement, “Then he inserted his manhood to her pussy vagina vulva.” in answering the bar exam, and enthusiastically discussed the question, “Can you live with the possibility that you will, in fact, die alone?” The consensus was that it’s okay to be alone, it’s just hard to accept that in your moment of death, no one will be there to celebrate the life that you thought you lived. Paopao was envy-worthy, always the sound one and always reminding us of how we should ideally live. He didn’t care about being alone, was oblivious of the fact that he is smarter than a lot of us, and cannot seem to grasp our positive answer to the question, “Despite our celebration of singlehood, if somebody comes along, would you be willing to love?”

I mean, I’ve always believed in the mantra that “I am happy now, but I know I can be happier in the future.” But he challenges my stand by asking, “But if you are happy now? Why does happy have to compete with happier?” Then he concluded that it would seem like I live on being goal-oriented and that if there is no goal, there is no point in living. I wholeheartedly agree. And it boils down to human want, our nature to want more after getting one thing, the testimony to the toast, “May you get everything you want, except for one, so that you’ll still have something to look forward to.”

Then there was the question of, “Do you attribute who you are now to fate or decision?” We were united in saying that of course, it was us. There was that turning point, when you decided, “This is how I will live my life.” And the rest, as they say, is history.

Then we got to that never outdated issue that is LOVE. It was inevitable, really, I mean, most of the bad decisions that we’ve made are relationships-wise. We’ve gotten everything we’ve hoped for already (except for financial freedom… but we’re getting there too.), and with love, we just can’t fucking seem to get it right. Paopao asked, “Would you rather that you don’t need food? Or that you need it, but you can enjoy eating it in the process?” And I said, ideally, you don’t want to need anything. Self-sufficiency is the perfect scenario. But that is not to say, that maybe, enjoying eating is so much worth being needy for. Oh and then we got to discuss the hierarchy of our basic needs and got stopped with the dilemma of which is higher, the need for clothing or the need for sex? Because admittedly, one need can be enjoyed without the other, right? :D

So everything has been open-ended, except for the acceptance that we all are star stuff, or in the context of Big Bang Theory, we all are made of nuclear waste and sooner or later, we will have to face the need to explode. What needs to be done is to stop welcoming misery-generating things in our lives. Stop being in a situation that will create regret.

Our fear of denial is stopping us from knowing and having the opportunity to move on. We’d rather be turned down than spend our whole lives thinking of what might have been. Being passive aggressive didn’t work the first, second and nth time, it will not work now. Just do it. Or err, do him. No day but today. And when you get turned down, you don’t turn back. You smile, shrug your shoulders and carry on, because “We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demand. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.”

Seriously, at the end of the day, you just want to be with people whom you can share bad ass conversations with, laugh about life with and will accept you, no matter what your cup size is. Believe us, Katy Perry has it right when she said, “No regrets. Just Love.”

The Blooming with(out) You

So, let me be resigned

With this path of happiness

That does not need

You

Who break my heart

Everytime you can.

It cannot break anymore

For you and with you.

It refuses to.

Take your flowers
with you. Like our love,
it will never bloom, too.

ANO RAW?

Friend: E kayo, kelan kayo magpapakasal ng boyfriend mo?
Girl: Ewan ko ba dun. Sabi nya pag hindi raw nag end of the world ng 2012.
Friend: Paano kung nag-end of the world?
Girl: Edi wala. End of the world na diba?

ANG LABO!

Overheard in Agave, Serendra

SOMETHING BORROWED: A Discussion

"We need to discuss."

That was the definite conclusion that we all came up with after watching the very divisive movie that is Something Borrowed. We can outline it into a number of chapters, in my mind the issues at hand are the following:

1. Is he or is he not into you.
2. Would you REALLY fall for your best friend’s guy?
3. Should a girl tell a guy how she feels at the risk of being too aggressive?
4. Should you fall for a really good friend at the risk of losing the friendship?

Let’s start with issue number one…

CHAPTER ONE

Is he or is he not into you? A.K.A. It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out.

“I didn't think someone like you could like someone like me,” -Rachel, Something Borrowed

We’ve seen it happen a million of times before. You spend time with a person, really have fun and spend those precious moments before you sleep, thinking, “Hey, he could really be into me too!” But that only consumes a few minutes, heck, a few seconds of your thinking time. For the rest of the night, you over exhaust yourself rationalizing and keeping your feet, and your heart pretty grounded. You start to think of reasons why he can’t like you. I mean, for a logical and emotionally beaten up person, you can think of an infinitely many reasons why he is only being a friend. Plus, this whole self esteem issue just can’t be shaken off, completely. I mean, for a woman lawyer, it is true that we have such high standards. Although we’d always dismiss this hypothesis by saying that we only want to end up with a decent guy, how we define this decent guy is a totally different story.

So, that’s where the problem starts, for someone who has high standards, we rarely get attracted to regular guys, and these non-regular guys, we feel, may be out of our league.  When we feel a connection, or when we feel that it may be safe to start assuming that there could be mutual attraction, you can depend on the fact that we have already jumped the gun by being our suspicious selves. We work hard to be THE GOOD FRIEND. Yes, we find safety in that not-so-comfortable net that is being in the FRIEND ZONE.

Then, a hot girl comes along, the fun, free-spirited one - she may be a friend, an acquaintance who just happens to be there to constantly remind us geeks that well, our guy can do better. I will let you in on a little secret - we also are easily discouraged. When we feel that the object of our affection has turned his attention to a hot woman, even for a millisecond, we act like it’s absolutely okay, like we never are offended or hurt – but believe you me, hell breaks loose in our hearts and minds. That’s when we start withdrawing ourselves from the conversation and let the hotter woman take center stage. We can be the most competitive bunch in a legal court, but we are such sissies in that court that is ruled by the heart.

Then we let it pass. We move on thinking that it was not worth fighting for in the first place. I mean, really, wouldn’t a guy do everything, and I mean everything to make the woman that he likes know that he likes her? There shouldn’t be any “Are you okay with this?”-like questions. If he really liked me, and even if I let him talk freely with the hotter girl, he should have reached for my hand to at least assure me that it is me whom he’d want to talk with. He should have sat beside me and poured all his attention on me, despite the hotter girl’s persistence.

In the ideal world, I guess. 

This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren’t as devastated."— Emily Giffin (Something Borrowed)

-To be continued-