On Emotional Diabetes, Regrets and Star Stuff

"The need for love is akin to emotional diabetes. Who needs another when you can produce insulin yourself?"

-Pao Soriano

Last night was supposed to be “SAKITAN NIGHT”, an event that happens every Monday in Good Earth Roasts, Rockwell with my closest friends in law school, just because a live band plays emo songs and we are reminded of our stupid mistakes in the past. True to its form, there were painful moments, especially when you are put on the hot seat and are made to realize that you’ve been doing it all wrong. With some twist of fate, Paopao, my source of joy in law school, was in the area, and he became our very able guest for the night. In the words of Jason, he was our “neutral”, especially because they’ve decided to dub me as the negative thinker and they, with much protest from me, are the optimistic ones.

I don’t know if it was the alcohol (which I would assume, Joan and Paopao will not agree with since they only consumed sugar), or the fact that we, once in a while, long for meaningful conversations that hit the spot, but hell we were talk show productive. We started with the question, “When did you realize that you are smarter than the others?” went on discussing more mundane stuff like using the statement, “Then he inserted his manhood to her pussy vagina vulva.” in answering the bar exam, and enthusiastically discussed the question, “Can you live with the possibility that you will, in fact, die alone?” The consensus was that it’s okay to be alone, it’s just hard to accept that in your moment of death, no one will be there to celebrate the life that you thought you lived. Paopao was envy-worthy, always the sound one and always reminding us of how we should ideally live. He didn’t care about being alone, was oblivious of the fact that he is smarter than a lot of us, and cannot seem to grasp our positive answer to the question, “Despite our celebration of singlehood, if somebody comes along, would you be willing to love?”

I mean, I’ve always believed in the mantra that “I am happy now, but I know I can be happier in the future.” But he challenges my stand by asking, “But if you are happy now? Why does happy have to compete with happier?” Then he concluded that it would seem like I live on being goal-oriented and that if there is no goal, there is no point in living. I wholeheartedly agree. And it boils down to human want, our nature to want more after getting one thing, the testimony to the toast, “May you get everything you want, except for one, so that you’ll still have something to look forward to.”

Then there was the question of, “Do you attribute who you are now to fate or decision?” We were united in saying that of course, it was us. There was that turning point, when you decided, “This is how I will live my life.” And the rest, as they say, is history.

Then we got to that never outdated issue that is LOVE. It was inevitable, really, I mean, most of the bad decisions that we’ve made are relationships-wise. We’ve gotten everything we’ve hoped for already (except for financial freedom… but we’re getting there too.), and with love, we just can’t fucking seem to get it right. Paopao asked, “Would you rather that you don’t need food? Or that you need it, but you can enjoy eating it in the process?” And I said, ideally, you don’t want to need anything. Self-sufficiency is the perfect scenario. But that is not to say, that maybe, enjoying eating is so much worth being needy for. Oh and then we got to discuss the hierarchy of our basic needs and got stopped with the dilemma of which is higher, the need for clothing or the need for sex? Because admittedly, one need can be enjoyed without the other, right? :D

So everything has been open-ended, except for the acceptance that we all are star stuff, or in the context of Big Bang Theory, we all are made of nuclear waste and sooner or later, we will have to face the need to explode. What needs to be done is to stop welcoming misery-generating things in our lives. Stop being in a situation that will create regret.

Our fear of denial is stopping us from knowing and having the opportunity to move on. We’d rather be turned down than spend our whole lives thinking of what might have been. Being passive aggressive didn’t work the first, second and nth time, it will not work now. Just do it. Or err, do him. No day but today. And when you get turned down, you don’t turn back. You smile, shrug your shoulders and carry on, because “We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demand. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.”

Seriously, at the end of the day, you just want to be with people whom you can share bad ass conversations with, laugh about life with and will accept you, no matter what your cup size is. Believe us, Katy Perry has it right when she said, “No regrets. Just Love.”