In Fairness

Things eventually fall into their proper places. So I believe Carlo when he told me last Saturday na... "At the end of this sem, I have a feeling that your issues will finally be resolved. We don't know if it's gonna be in a good way or a bad way, pero feeling ko mare-resolve na yan,"

*keeping fingers crossed

Things are pretty stable again. [at the risk of being laughed at by fate again, I still am optimistic] Although there still are glitches, they're minimal as opposed to the beautiful things that are happening. I can't complain. Really.

I am sort of missing a lot of people... and sometimes I am strongly tempted to put everything in the open and just announce what I truly am feeling. But like all wise men would say, "Some things are better left unsaid." Just so we can maintain the more stable status quo. In that light, I am announcing that I can't wait for FINALS to be over just so I can be a li'l more normal.

I miss my old jolly self. I've been pretty off these past few weeks. Colleen pointed out that I am abnormally quiet... well it's true. And then she went on to saying that, "He's not just a friend. You talk about him, cry about him and he's changing you. He's not just a friend." Well, partly true, at least on my perspective. He actually IS a friend, nothing more. Although there's that hope of making him something more, which is kind of impossible because we rarely see each other and we never really had potential and well, he's uhmm, not into me. I guess. Just like a majority of the men I have been attracted to, I am just a friend to him. Never the girl friend material... never the woman being chosen. I'm always a spare tire. And that is quite TRAGIC.

Which brings me to my wanting to thank Colleen for treating Patring, Patty and I to a delightful night at UCC. It was worth not studying for. Seriously.

Hmm. I should stop before I end up saying something incriminating.

My Work Here is Done

[habang nagchichikahan ang magkaklase, pumasok ang 1D at nagulantang kami ng isang mala-pickup line na...]

Ana: Excuse me. [demure tone] May class ba kayo ng Saturday?

Di namin kinaya. We know na may logical reason, apparently tina-try nya itanong kung may nakaiwan ng laptop nun Saturday.. .Still. It was a pickup line. At least it sounded like it. Un na. My work here is done. Laughtrip talaga. Alamin ba ang schedule?

Never Outdated

Euns: Beanstalk, malapit na ang birthday natin.
Beanstalk: Ilang taon na ba tayo?
Euns: Ako mag-23 ikaw mag-24... Ang petty parin ng issues natin.
Beanstalk: Ano ka ba... LOVE IS NEVER OUTDATED. It always is a relevant
issue.

Tama.

Equally Mushy Friends

"In life we always search for answers because we want to prove to ourselves
that we had the right decisions, but the truth us, we can't search for what's
not there. Things happen because it's meant to happen. That's why we forgive
people even if they hurt us, we love people who don't love us and we smile
despite every painful crash in our hearts. AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE LESSON WE GOT ARE THE ANSWERS TO OUR DECISIONS." -sent by Carlo Luna

"Everytime I try to forget the great loves I've had I partly succeed. But
as a consequence, I feel like a very real part of me has died, and that I've
become partly a monster." -sent by Miko Samson from an unpublished journal entry

"I want to be a redeemable share, so that when I'm no longer satisfied with
the one I'm with, the one who set me free could bring me back to her fold." -
sent by Elliot Mondez

"We are all looking for the wrong eprson... the right wrong person...
someone we could lovingly gaze upon and think, 'This is the problem I
want to have." -sent by Rach Sy

"It's always painful to know that someone is irrevocably gone and all
that's left are memories of beautiful days that have gone by... Sometimes
it's confusing why people fall in love and then say goodbye. Why they cannot
belong forever when at first, they can never seem to part." -sent by Ces
Pallarca

"We at times sit at one corner alone, appreciating life as we see it
through our eyes.. then suddenly, someone surprises us, shares that corner until
it becomes the world." -Eunice Monsod

I dunno which ones were originally written by them or which are forwarded, but sometimes, text messaging can be deep. Some are deeper than daily conversations.

Letter of Love # 7

Everyday, I wake up and choose the idea of you. Everyday, I get dressed and hope to be given the opportunity to be with you. 

How can an already numb heart still feel grief?

How can pain compound every second and succeed in jolting the numb heart into feeling despite the threatening prose of an unresolved mystery?

When are you coming to save me from my self-induced agony?

Please dream of me tonight. Dream with me.

Let our separate lives intertwine reality and fantasy. Let our future love blur the line between clarity and sanity.

FACADE

Date of Birth: 14/05

You may find that freedom is a core issue for you today, Eunice, and
that you are yearning to break away from a situation that has been dragging you
in for quite some time now. It could be that you have continued to play your
part in a certain role that was developed for you during your childhood.
Circumstances regarding your family led you to behave in such a way as a defense
mechanism and now you know of no other way to act. Shed this
facade.

Fine. I will not be afraid to be weak anymore.

RAPE

I was reading this article on STATUTORY RAPE being a common crime now and we sort of noticed a lot of quotable quotes.

"It is quite perplexing to the Court how the alleged victim can complain of
being raped and yet say, under oath, that she enjoyed the experience." -People
v. Burgos

"Absence of love notes, mementos or pictures casta doubt on the accused's
claim that he and the victim were sweethearts." -People v. Larag

"Love is not a license for carnal intercourse through force or
intimidation." -People v. Gecomo

Panalo diba?

DARK AGES

"Kamusta naman ang lamay?" -Patty

That was Patty's opening line to me yesterday afternoon when I gloomily entered my classroom... well, it was a sort of lamay. It was a wake for the temporary death of hope and faith and happy times.

"Our friendships are now in their DARK AGES." -Ana

And it's sort of true, a lot of issues have emerged and this, for me, is the most emotional sem yet.

"I've seen you cry a lot of times this sem Euns." -Joan

Argh, it's painfully true. It's sad really, looking back, I experienced an emotionally unstable sem. But according to John Cage of Ally McBeal, when you look back at what happened in the past year and you can't particularly remember any moment where you cry, the year is a waste. I guess I'll look at it that way, it was a fruitful year, a lot of discoveries, triumphs and yeah, disappointments. It was not a year of waste, i guess.

Even if our friendships are at our dark ages at present, I am continuously waiting for renaissance... the rebirth of good times, of normal times. I know that we have accumulated a lot of treasured memories that are more than enough to help us get past the problems that we are currently facing.

Kaya guys, let's all hang in there. Let's just hope that this summer, we can wash away all the sand that has mudded our judgment. Let's just hope that after this sem, good vibes will flow.

In the meantime, let's all study for the FINALS. Goodluck everyone.

...

---
from POSTSECRET

Of Sorry and its Synonyms

"Bakit ba lagi na lang ang buhay mo punong-puno ng drama? Di ka parin ba
nagbabago? Kahit dati, ganyan ka na!" -Sam

I am at a loss for words. If tears can say everything that's needed to be said, I would've already written a novel. It's a blessing that my eyes go back to normal after an intense crying session because if I'm normal, my eyes will be puffier than cotton candy. It's hard to grasp the whole situation, there's no place for hatred, not even for blame... and it's making it way harder to cope. How can you mend a wound that was inflicted upon you unintentionally? How can you not take personally something that in reality is personal? It pains me that we are in this whole situation with nothing to do but wait for things to be better in the future.

In the meantime, I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am with friends who are always ready to cheer me up when I'm the unstable woman that I am. Thanks for the muffins Joan, thanks for the Belgian Waffle Sam, thank you for being strong for me Patty, thank you Hazel for feeling my pain, to Melo and Juanch for making me believe in love [walang kinalaman e no! hehe], to Ces for making me understand what happened and for convincing me about Lost Boy [wala nanaman kinalaman], to Ana for that heartwarming message, to Carlo for chain smoking with me and for reminding me to stop crying, to Dennis for asking if I'm ok [even if it was his birthday and we should be making him happy], to you for at least saying sorry.

Sometimes, the people whom you expect to hurt you end up standing by you and making you feel loved and the people whom you have so much faith in end up hurting you, though unintentionally... in the end, they still hurt you. I guess it's partly because they matter in your life that whatever they do becomes that big of a deal. Perhaps it's because you love them so much that in the end, you can't find it in your heart to hate them so you end up just letting it pass, like it didn't happen at all. That's what friends do right? Like what I've said in the past, I don't let go.. even if I bleed so badly, I won't let go.

I hate walking around all teary-eyed like a loser puppy. I hate it when people perceive me as sad. That is something that I as much as possible try to avoid, affecting other people negatively. That is so not me. But I guess it's true, sometimes life throws a curveball at you and well, all that's left for you to do is say sorry because the curveball turned out to be more than that. It turned out to be one viscious ball of pain. And it wasn't life that threw it at you, it was someone.

I'm sorry too... I am worrying that it might burden you. Finals pa naman, wag ka na masyado mag-isip. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I am still trying to understand . At oo, sana madapa na uli ako kasama ka. In the meantime, I'll see you around.

Rain on my Parade, Procession and Every Li'l Sunshine

Kanina lang there was nothing to write about... it's amazing how one minute I was raving about how normal my life finally is, only to be laughed at by fate and now, I am a big joke. Again. It not only pisses me off but it's making me cry. It's so uhmm, stupid... it's so petty but the situation makes me emotionally unstable. TOTALLY. That's without him even trying, without him ever feeling even a bit of what I'm feeling. I needed to get away from there just so I can stop myself from making a fool out of myself. I can't accuse anyone of being insensitive because well, I don't deserve to be taken into consideration. And it all the more pisses me off.

Side kwento na lang to make me feel a bit better, I was crossing the street from Block 9 to Ateneo and was waiting for the cars to pass by when this car stopped and made me cross.. I thought, "Ang hot ko naman, tumitigil sya kahit may karapatan sya na mag-go..." Un pala, si RC un. May kawayan blues pa kami. Laughtrip.

Anyway, to add insult to the injury, I found out that CLV shuffled our class cards... So, there is a big possibility that I got called in class today. And I was at Starbucks, studying Civ Pro for the finals. Great. Ano pa ba ang darating?

Hay, buti na lang Shem's online. I ranted and ranted and ranted. Then she had to give me the jealousy-inducing news, SHE'S OFF TO EUROPE today. Great. And I'm stuck here in Manila, with an internship that's yet to be finalized, and a lot of other un-fun stuff to do. Saya.

I'll be probably be meeting up with Sam later around 6pm. I hope we can sort of catch up, it's been a while since I last saw that ass.

I'm thinking of going back to Starbucks to continue my interrupted studying streak. I hope and pray to God that I get in the mood again. Linshak talaga o. I read pa this article about Ali Sotto and her second husband who writes poems for her. I read some of the poems and and it broke my heart that I have no one to write similar poems for, and no one to write poems for me. Sige, depression kill me softly. Salamat ha.

Minsan talaga nagbabalak na ako maglayas sa bwisit na Neverland na yan e. Sinasaktan lang ako. Lalo na yang tinkerbell na yan. Isama mo pa yang si Lost Boy. Maghahanap na nga lang ako ng crocodile...

Carlo: Wala pa ba crocodile sa Neverland mo?
Eunice: Sige maghahanap na ako.
Carlo: Astig un si Crocodile, may clock na sya at maganda un tagline nya.
Eunice: Ano?
Carlo: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.