INTERESTING NIGHT.

with mah guy, fave co-host AJ Constantino


taken at the UP FAIR

Thank you for the news. I think I'm happy again. Not happy expectant. More like happy relieved. Kahit may animosity, nothing can rain on my parade. Sa ngayon.

A Ray of Sunshine on a Supposedly Dark Day

I know I'm not supposed to be happy or anything, but I can't help but smile today. Sometimes, doing the right thing pays off.

Anyways, people are commenting that I've been making them cry because of my entries about love and I don't want to contribute more depression to the world [at least tonight] so let me narrate what I did yesterday, yes, the "Dooms day for singles", "Singles' Awareness Day", "I'm still happy to be alive thought alone" day... It was eventful. I went to Starbucks to study to study for my Civ Pro class the next day and to watch Up Dharma Down at the ROckwell Plaza. Only to find out that they won't be there. So, after a few hours of attempting to study amidst the "depressed, bitter and hostile" environment, we decided to swing it and just talk about whatever. I was there, Patty, Jess, RC, Pau, Tin and Pam made my night. A lot of kwentuhans after, Patty and I decided to go to Joan's place for our "post-valentine's ranting". NOT.

We didn't have plans but since I'm the daughter of spontaneous gimmicks, I texted Seph and asked him if he has beer in his dorm. From that message, we decided to get sort of drunk to end the day right.

Ang magaling na Migrino, walang dalang beer pag-uwi. Ayaw dumaan sa backyard dahil baka may MUMU, kaya tumambay kami sa kalsada whil trying to figure out where the hell we'll buy booze. Seph decided to go to 7eleven, ROCKWELL. Un na. Walking while talking ang drama namin. Nakipag-chikahan sa kahera, nakipag-swap ng WWE Cards at bumili ng hotdog para sa mga dalagita... pati pala dalawang RED HORSE grande na nag-aalangan pa kaming bilin dahil dalawa lang kaming iinom. I entertained him at ang nasabi lang nya sa buong pagsasalita ko, "Di ka ba napapagod? Un paghinga mo nagsasalita ka parin e." Salamat Seph.

Nakarating ng matiwasay sa dorm, mas matagal pa kami naglakad kesa sa pag-ubos ng unang bote namin. BITIN. Dumating si Andre. Nagkakilala na sila FINALLY ni Joan at nabuo ang kanilang PERFECT BACKYARD ROMANCE. [HAR3 .. "inside joke"] Natapos ang inuman ng 3:30 am, nangakong iidlip lang para matulog hanggang 6am. Nagising nng 9am. Kadiri, same clothes, walang toothbrush toothbrush..naglalakad ang lola mo sa Rockwell drive pauwi pa lang.

Taxi Driver: San po tayo?
Euns: Taguig po.
Taxi Driver: Ma'am ang layo naman ng office nyo.
Euns: [natigilan] Kuya, pauwi pa lang po ako e.

Un na.
Si Patty nagtulog-tulugan pa kunwari. Kinain tuloy ni Jojo Miggy un hotdog nya. That didn't sound right.

My Valentine's Day was a blast.

Letter of Love # 3

written February 23, 2005

Hey,

I dunno what you’re doing right now.
You maybe drinking coffee or watchin TV or listenin to the radio like me,
you maybe on the other side of the world, working, or reading a good book, or partying or looking at the bitter emptiness of your wall.
I dunno if we met, I dunno if we at least already caught a glimpse of each other.
I dunno if somehow we have influenced the things that are happening to both of us.
I don’t even know if you exist, I don’t know if you know that I exist.
All I know is that I’m waiting, consciously and unconsciously.
I’ve been anticipating that time when you will finally stop being an invisible entity in my life.
You make me smile, just the thought of you breathing the same air that I breathe,
drinking the water that I drink and staring at the same sky that I’m staring at.
You make me weep, thinking of how far you maybe from me or
of how near you are physically but infinitely far from a possible emotional intimacy.
You make me worry thinking of the bad things that might befall you now,
at this time when I can’t be there,
when I cant give you that reassuring look that things will eventually be ok.
You make me think, and in this process all I can do is give in to my imagination
and find optimism in this feeling of longing.
I’ve been in this journey for years now,
along the way I’ve met people whom I thought was you.
They resemble you, or maybe you resemble them.
I can never be sure,
‘coz you are just something intangible that I’ve been trying to hold on to and keep.
I wont get tired of waiting,
because I know that in that one moment where we will recognize that we belong to each other,
all the grief and the tears will be like diamonds that would make our love glisten.
I’m not looking forward to a perfect life with you,
but I’m looking forward to a bumpy ride with you around.
If finally we meet, don’t look at me in the eyes too long,
I might get lost in the abyss of that magic that we will be entwined with.
Just hug me, and I know I will hug you back.
Don’t kiss me yet, coz your lips might make my lips tremble.
Just smile at me and I will smile back.
Go on with your journey still, we shall meet..
when that time comes we shall be one.

Letter of Love #2

To you who are bound to come,

You are a catch. I just need to assure you because I'm positive that if you are here, you'll look into my eyes and say the exact same thing. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I will still go out and celebrate the love that is YET to connect us. I'm guessing you have plans too, with or without a woman, I imagine you to be someone who refuses to let Valentine's depress you. Unlike me. Sometimes, I find myself staring blankly at whatever's in front of me, imagining the feeling of how heavenly it will be to have you beside me. Sometimes, I imagine you emerging from my hazy view of a crowd, smiling at me and staring back. You maybe tall or short, attention-grabbing or not, but I have no doubt that I will recognize you. It will be as if we've known each other for a long time. It will not be love at first sight but more of an "I want to get to know you more" at first sight moment. We may become close friends, coffee buddies perhaps, talking for what will seem like a short time to us when in fact it has been hours. You'll let me into your life and I will let you into my own gloomy world.

I know you have your imperfections, but I will accept them almost automatically...I will fall in love with the imperfect you. Perhaps you'll love me for my smile, fall for my humor or my habit of letting my brows meet as if I'm in deep thinking when in reality, my mind is blank. Maybe you'll like the unrefined me, the perky me or the drama queen in me.

Tomorrow's Valentine's day, though we are not celebrating together, in my heart I feel that we indeed are celebrating. I can't wait to spend my first Valentine's with you. I can't wait for the time when I'm not looking forward to sleeping anymore because I refuse to miss the thought and reality that I HAVE YOU every second that I am awake. Maybe I'll even wish to dream of you and build a world of fantasy where we will never part.

I will love you, not unconditionally but imperfectly. We'll create a customized love that fits our already rigged, jagged and beaten hearts.

Happy Valentine's Day in advance. I am smiling knowing that someday I'll give these letters to you.

---------
written in the afternoon of February 13, 2007

FLEXIBLE PALA HA!

Dear Eunice Zuleika,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, February 14:

Your mind and heart are extra open and extra flexible, making this an excellent time to explore your romantic ideals -- not to mention your options. Aren't you a lovely target for Cupid's arrows now!

On Starting Valentine's Day with a BANG!

LITERALLY.

We had a car accident. In fact, we almost died. If the truck driver didn't step on his brake, I wouldn't be here writing this entry. Too bad, the other car didn't see us coming. So we were "bound" to collide. Just when I removed my seatbelt because I was a few steps away from my corner. I just hope it's not a sign of the other bad things that might come today. I'm still thankful that we all didnt get hurt. Physicall, that is. Emotionally? That's a different story.

On a more positive note, we went to the UP Fair last night and had a blast. It was nice to go back and reminisce, and be a UP student again, even for just another night. It was nice to sit on the grass, listen to "UP Music" and chill. It was nice. I even took a part of the UP Fair with me by getting a henna tattoo. Feeling "astig" and "beach babe". It was a great way to start our Valentine's Day.. especially because Tuesday Vargas made our night.

Tuesday: Sino dito may mga love? Taas ang kamay. [taas kamay ng mga tao] PAKYU OL!!!

Taas ang kamay ng mga virgin!!!! [taas kamay] PAKYU kayo!

Para ito sa mga may relasyon, man to woman, man to man, woman to woman,
BICURIOUS to BICURIOUS!

We were laughing our asses off because of her. And of course, SUGARFREE, as always, made my night.

I'm looking forward to today. Despite what happened. I am optimistic still.

I Don't HATE Valentine's Day

... for a change, since most of the articles I read are into Valentine's day-bashing. Let me start off by saying that although I see the logic in branding Valentine's as overrated, Valentine's IS licensed to be overrated. It's about LOVE for crying out loud. LOVE is the most overrated thing in the whole world, and an event that celebrates it would not be appropriate if it's not overrated.

Now, why DON'T I hate Valentine's even if my life has been a string of unsuccessful relationships, almost love stories and fart-inducing date mishaps? Because Valentine's Day gives me enough reason to celebrate something that I know I will eventually find in the future. It's like a glimpse of a wonderful thing that's bound to happen. Sabi ko nga before, "If love works for other people, there's no reason why it wouldn't work for me." No matter how long it might take.

Yes, sometimes I wanna puke when I see red dresses, roses and everything that's related to it, but it also makes me smile, it makes me feel that we still have that "humanity" within us. I read somewhere that "The world is now a place that's full of things that are against being romantic but the only thing that's stopping the world are the PEOPLE who refuse to be too cynical for their own good." I am a romantic cynic. I maintain my level-headedness without shedding every little ounce of romance in me.

I may not have a date tomorrow, but I am surrounded by a lot of good things. The simplest of things that prove the truth in the existence of this overratedness. Everybody's alone, it's just easier to take in a relationship. We celebrate our being alone with other people and you find a connection. You find a strand of hope that the world can't be a place of sheer loneliness. That loneliness exists because it has to emphasize the existence of togetherness...

I am not a fan of grandiosity, of demonstrations of love in an overrated kind of way because I treasure the littlest of things. I value being held on to, looked at, smiled at, being hugged, comforted, listened to, offered a ride home, offered a cup of coffee, joked at, flattered.. I value drinking sprees with special people, studying with them, walking around, driving around, beating around the bush, being introduced to new friends and even merely listening to a sweet song while knowing that somebody is there with me, for me.

I know that behind the superficiality that celebrating Valentine's day exudes, behind its overratedness and drama is the basic and most important thing... LOVE. Valentine's Day is a celebration of what was here, what is here, what would be here and what it feels like to love and be loved. That is enough reason to not hate it and to even go the extra mile of celebrating it.

A Li'l Yihee on the side.

Au: Euns, may dala ka bang laptop today?
Euns: Wala.
Au: Hala. Kanina may nakita akong guy, un laptop nya WALLPAPER un PICTURES
mo.
Euns: Ha? Baka naman nagbabasa lang ng blog ko.
Au: Di e, iba ibang pictures mo pa nga. Sigurado akong WALLPAPER
talaga.

Un na. Somebody likes me. At least. I'm worth liking. Haha.

Thank You

... to everyone who has been supportive, patient and understanding of the "moody" me.

Thanks for saying that you guys enjoy my company, and that I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, and that I'm good in what I do and that I'm a catch...

Thank you for making me feel special amidst this SELF ESTEEM CRISIS that I'm having.

Girlfriend 1: Bakit? Iniisip mo siguro na mas deserving un isang
girl kasi mas payat sya sayo? Iniisip mo un diba? Mali ka e. You deserve to
be happy. He deserves to be happy too. You look happy when you're with him. He
looks happy too. Di na uso ang martir. You don't want to look back years from
now thinking, "Why did I push him away?"

Girlfriend 2: If I were in your position. I would've said the same thing.
You did the right thing. But most of the time, the right thing sucks.

Thank you guys for all the hugs, for the tissue. For merely asking if I'm ok while I'm crying, inside the caf. [Drama queen] For just being there. For giving me the looks of sympathy and love while I'm there sulking with a stick of cig in my hand.

Thank you.

I'm close to falling apart, but you guys are stopping me from quitting.

Nothing...

... all of a sudden, there's really nothing to hold on to.

Maybe we're lucky to have somebody who has that little bit of insanity. Somebody who never lets you go, somebody who cherishes you forever. Talk about a legacy, loving someone forever? That is a legacy.

- John Cage, Ally Mc Beal

I don't know what to think of anymore. My mind is consciously blocking my thoughts of you, reminding me that I can only bear a certain amount of pain... and if I don't stop, I might lose what's left of my sanity. I made a noble decision that turned out to be silently heartwrenching, bittersweet and at some point, regret-inducing. I think I am in love with you, it took this much pain for me to finally admit that. What we have is an emotional connection that is forbidden and wounded. Until I'm too dry to shed even a single tear, I will write about you. What we had, or maybe still have is more than romantic. I don't know if you see or even feel that. It's beyond philosophy, it's a connection that could've been worthwhile. It is more than enough to make me believe that someday, I'll find you again. When we're finished chasing our old rainbows and ready to chase new ones.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, there's NOTHING left for me to hold on to. All I have is pain.

Letter of Love #1

To you who hasn't come,

I'm not gonna assume that you already exist, for all I know, you're not born yet. Just like me, you may be feeling that you have not yet gone out of the lonely fetus embracing you. You're swimming, letting life pass you by, letting it flow on your veins. I'll start of by saying that YOU NEED TO KNOW ME. Let me introduce myself, I'm Eunice, an emotionally fucked up, too optimistic for my own good and a believer of the impossible.

It's sad that I can't be there for you yet, I guess I have to be really prepared before God'll let you knock me off my feet. I am not worried that we shall meet. Sometimes it just worries me that you need me now but I can't be there for you. You really need not worry about me, I look forward to not only holding your hand but to capture what is in your soul that'll eventually breathe life into me. I can't imagine what you might be doing at present, or tonight, or tomorrow... but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's the fact that SOMEHOW YOU ARE THINKING OF ME TOO. Not in a tangible kind of way. In the same way that I think of you too, in a sense that we are connected, that the mere blinking of my eyes affects how you tilt your head and smile.

I don't wish you a good night, but I wish that you go to bed not as lonely as me. I did say I'm emotionally fucked up right? Yet, I'm holding on to the idea that I HAVE YOU, will have you... and it turns this insanity into something so much better.

Everyday is an opportunity for me to be a better person. I do not live for you yet, but someday I will. And when we meet somewhere, somehow, we will know that we're finally together. Not to complete each other but to complement what we have become so far.

That is enough reason for me to celebrate Valentine's. To celebrate the you that will celebrate it with me...

----------------------
this is inspired by an article asking why we don't write love letters anymore. From now on, I'll hold on to the thought so loneliness won't eat away what I have to offer. So that my eyes will not have looks of "i'll end up lonely someday" but only of, "I have someone, though we have not yet met."