Letter of Love #2

To you who are bound to come,

You are a catch. I just need to assure you because I'm positive that if you are here, you'll look into my eyes and say the exact same thing. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I will still go out and celebrate the love that is YET to connect us. I'm guessing you have plans too, with or without a woman, I imagine you to be someone who refuses to let Valentine's depress you. Unlike me. Sometimes, I find myself staring blankly at whatever's in front of me, imagining the feeling of how heavenly it will be to have you beside me. Sometimes, I imagine you emerging from my hazy view of a crowd, smiling at me and staring back. You maybe tall or short, attention-grabbing or not, but I have no doubt that I will recognize you. It will be as if we've known each other for a long time. It will not be love at first sight but more of an "I want to get to know you more" at first sight moment. We may become close friends, coffee buddies perhaps, talking for what will seem like a short time to us when in fact it has been hours. You'll let me into your life and I will let you into my own gloomy world.

I know you have your imperfections, but I will accept them almost automatically...I will fall in love with the imperfect you. Perhaps you'll love me for my smile, fall for my humor or my habit of letting my brows meet as if I'm in deep thinking when in reality, my mind is blank. Maybe you'll like the unrefined me, the perky me or the drama queen in me.

Tomorrow's Valentine's day, though we are not celebrating together, in my heart I feel that we indeed are celebrating. I can't wait to spend my first Valentine's with you. I can't wait for the time when I'm not looking forward to sleeping anymore because I refuse to miss the thought and reality that I HAVE YOU every second that I am awake. Maybe I'll even wish to dream of you and build a world of fantasy where we will never part.

I will love you, not unconditionally but imperfectly. We'll create a customized love that fits our already rigged, jagged and beaten hearts.

Happy Valentine's Day in advance. I am smiling knowing that someday I'll give these letters to you.

---------
written in the afternoon of February 13, 2007

FLEXIBLE PALA HA!

Dear Eunice Zuleika,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, February 14:

Your mind and heart are extra open and extra flexible, making this an excellent time to explore your romantic ideals -- not to mention your options. Aren't you a lovely target for Cupid's arrows now!

On Starting Valentine's Day with a BANG!

LITERALLY.

We had a car accident. In fact, we almost died. If the truck driver didn't step on his brake, I wouldn't be here writing this entry. Too bad, the other car didn't see us coming. So we were "bound" to collide. Just when I removed my seatbelt because I was a few steps away from my corner. I just hope it's not a sign of the other bad things that might come today. I'm still thankful that we all didnt get hurt. Physicall, that is. Emotionally? That's a different story.

On a more positive note, we went to the UP Fair last night and had a blast. It was nice to go back and reminisce, and be a UP student again, even for just another night. It was nice to sit on the grass, listen to "UP Music" and chill. It was nice. I even took a part of the UP Fair with me by getting a henna tattoo. Feeling "astig" and "beach babe". It was a great way to start our Valentine's Day.. especially because Tuesday Vargas made our night.

Tuesday: Sino dito may mga love? Taas ang kamay. [taas kamay ng mga tao] PAKYU OL!!!

Taas ang kamay ng mga virgin!!!! [taas kamay] PAKYU kayo!

Para ito sa mga may relasyon, man to woman, man to man, woman to woman,
BICURIOUS to BICURIOUS!

We were laughing our asses off because of her. And of course, SUGARFREE, as always, made my night.

I'm looking forward to today. Despite what happened. I am optimistic still.

I Don't HATE Valentine's Day

... for a change, since most of the articles I read are into Valentine's day-bashing. Let me start off by saying that although I see the logic in branding Valentine's as overrated, Valentine's IS licensed to be overrated. It's about LOVE for crying out loud. LOVE is the most overrated thing in the whole world, and an event that celebrates it would not be appropriate if it's not overrated.

Now, why DON'T I hate Valentine's even if my life has been a string of unsuccessful relationships, almost love stories and fart-inducing date mishaps? Because Valentine's Day gives me enough reason to celebrate something that I know I will eventually find in the future. It's like a glimpse of a wonderful thing that's bound to happen. Sabi ko nga before, "If love works for other people, there's no reason why it wouldn't work for me." No matter how long it might take.

Yes, sometimes I wanna puke when I see red dresses, roses and everything that's related to it, but it also makes me smile, it makes me feel that we still have that "humanity" within us. I read somewhere that "The world is now a place that's full of things that are against being romantic but the only thing that's stopping the world are the PEOPLE who refuse to be too cynical for their own good." I am a romantic cynic. I maintain my level-headedness without shedding every little ounce of romance in me.

I may not have a date tomorrow, but I am surrounded by a lot of good things. The simplest of things that prove the truth in the existence of this overratedness. Everybody's alone, it's just easier to take in a relationship. We celebrate our being alone with other people and you find a connection. You find a strand of hope that the world can't be a place of sheer loneliness. That loneliness exists because it has to emphasize the existence of togetherness...

I am not a fan of grandiosity, of demonstrations of love in an overrated kind of way because I treasure the littlest of things. I value being held on to, looked at, smiled at, being hugged, comforted, listened to, offered a ride home, offered a cup of coffee, joked at, flattered.. I value drinking sprees with special people, studying with them, walking around, driving around, beating around the bush, being introduced to new friends and even merely listening to a sweet song while knowing that somebody is there with me, for me.

I know that behind the superficiality that celebrating Valentine's day exudes, behind its overratedness and drama is the basic and most important thing... LOVE. Valentine's Day is a celebration of what was here, what is here, what would be here and what it feels like to love and be loved. That is enough reason to not hate it and to even go the extra mile of celebrating it.

A Li'l Yihee on the side.

Au: Euns, may dala ka bang laptop today?
Euns: Wala.
Au: Hala. Kanina may nakita akong guy, un laptop nya WALLPAPER un PICTURES
mo.
Euns: Ha? Baka naman nagbabasa lang ng blog ko.
Au: Di e, iba ibang pictures mo pa nga. Sigurado akong WALLPAPER
talaga.

Un na. Somebody likes me. At least. I'm worth liking. Haha.

Thank You

... to everyone who has been supportive, patient and understanding of the "moody" me.

Thanks for saying that you guys enjoy my company, and that I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, and that I'm good in what I do and that I'm a catch...

Thank you for making me feel special amidst this SELF ESTEEM CRISIS that I'm having.

Girlfriend 1: Bakit? Iniisip mo siguro na mas deserving un isang
girl kasi mas payat sya sayo? Iniisip mo un diba? Mali ka e. You deserve to
be happy. He deserves to be happy too. You look happy when you're with him. He
looks happy too. Di na uso ang martir. You don't want to look back years from
now thinking, "Why did I push him away?"

Girlfriend 2: If I were in your position. I would've said the same thing.
You did the right thing. But most of the time, the right thing sucks.

Thank you guys for all the hugs, for the tissue. For merely asking if I'm ok while I'm crying, inside the caf. [Drama queen] For just being there. For giving me the looks of sympathy and love while I'm there sulking with a stick of cig in my hand.

Thank you.

I'm close to falling apart, but you guys are stopping me from quitting.

Nothing...

... all of a sudden, there's really nothing to hold on to.

Maybe we're lucky to have somebody who has that little bit of insanity. Somebody who never lets you go, somebody who cherishes you forever. Talk about a legacy, loving someone forever? That is a legacy.

- John Cage, Ally Mc Beal

I don't know what to think of anymore. My mind is consciously blocking my thoughts of you, reminding me that I can only bear a certain amount of pain... and if I don't stop, I might lose what's left of my sanity. I made a noble decision that turned out to be silently heartwrenching, bittersweet and at some point, regret-inducing. I think I am in love with you, it took this much pain for me to finally admit that. What we have is an emotional connection that is forbidden and wounded. Until I'm too dry to shed even a single tear, I will write about you. What we had, or maybe still have is more than romantic. I don't know if you see or even feel that. It's beyond philosophy, it's a connection that could've been worthwhile. It is more than enough to make me believe that someday, I'll find you again. When we're finished chasing our old rainbows and ready to chase new ones.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, there's NOTHING left for me to hold on to. All I have is pain.

Letter of Love #1

To you who hasn't come,

I'm not gonna assume that you already exist, for all I know, you're not born yet. Just like me, you may be feeling that you have not yet gone out of the lonely fetus embracing you. You're swimming, letting life pass you by, letting it flow on your veins. I'll start of by saying that YOU NEED TO KNOW ME. Let me introduce myself, I'm Eunice, an emotionally fucked up, too optimistic for my own good and a believer of the impossible.

It's sad that I can't be there for you yet, I guess I have to be really prepared before God'll let you knock me off my feet. I am not worried that we shall meet. Sometimes it just worries me that you need me now but I can't be there for you. You really need not worry about me, I look forward to not only holding your hand but to capture what is in your soul that'll eventually breathe life into me. I can't imagine what you might be doing at present, or tonight, or tomorrow... but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's the fact that SOMEHOW YOU ARE THINKING OF ME TOO. Not in a tangible kind of way. In the same way that I think of you too, in a sense that we are connected, that the mere blinking of my eyes affects how you tilt your head and smile.

I don't wish you a good night, but I wish that you go to bed not as lonely as me. I did say I'm emotionally fucked up right? Yet, I'm holding on to the idea that I HAVE YOU, will have you... and it turns this insanity into something so much better.

Everyday is an opportunity for me to be a better person. I do not live for you yet, but someday I will. And when we meet somewhere, somehow, we will know that we're finally together. Not to complete each other but to complement what we have become so far.

That is enough reason for me to celebrate Valentine's. To celebrate the you that will celebrate it with me...

----------------------
this is inspired by an article asking why we don't write love letters anymore. From now on, I'll hold on to the thought so loneliness won't eat away what I have to offer. So that my eyes will not have looks of "i'll end up lonely someday" but only of, "I have someone, though we have not yet met."

How APPROPRIATE

MY TAROT CARD FOR TODAY

The Ten of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in conscience. "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." I own responsibility for the baggage I have chosen to carry but I am ready to lay the weight of a burden or secret I have been hiding behind where it belongs in order to reconcile my conscience. Do I want to be right or alone? I am empowered by blind faith in fulfilling my purpose or greater good to "just do it," and I transform through in passion or direction in principle.

When It Sucks, It Sucks.

I won Peter Pan tickets pala. I checked my other mail today, it was for January 14. It's the reason for my superficial sadness. I missed an opportunity of a lifetime. I could've been there enjoying my fairytale. But I lost that chance. What a metaphor.

My other sadness is waaaay deeper. I cannot begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling. The hardest thing to do is to do the right thing. Or in my case, to be proper. To put myself in a proper perspective. I'm not selfless. I'm not a martyr. The pain is more real now than before. It's a stabbing spree. It's like i sold a lot of knives to be stabbed over and over again. It's the kind of pain that not only paralyzes you and stops but it goes into your soul, mind and it is felt even when you're asleep.

I did the right thing. But why does it feel like karma came back to me ten-fold and lost track of my good deeds?

Post - Mr. Law School 2007 Entry

Girl Friend:
My stomach ached last night because of you. It's the most fun Mr. Law School i've been to.

Aww. People have been approaching me just to tell me that they laughed their asses off last night because of me and AJ... that they had so much fun... that we have great rapport... that we were great hosts. These little demonstrations of appreciation make me fly. More than enough, more than enough. Thanks guys.

I had fun too. It was a great event. Even THE Rene SALUD said he liked me. Starstruck ako sobra. The candidates were great, the organizers were all accommodating and the crowd... Loooove it. I got a kiss and a hug from a really hot guy. The former Mr. Law School used his "digest" pickup line on me. I literally felt like a princess. Ang saya.

I had so much fun that I hope I get invited to host again next year. Ehem. If I still am here. Haha.

Btw, I officially have a boyfriend. MJ Bayang. It's an open relationship but we're sort of "together" now. Don't forget my flowers on Valentine's sweetie. Ralph Calinisan said we didn't have closure, pero sabi ko nga, he's an Ex now.. he shouldn't try to confuse me. I'm happy with MJ. He makes me feel kilig during Crim class. *winks... Kasi naman my absentee boyfriend Paopao Soriano is, as always, absent.

Gotta run to Starbucks so I could "attempt" to study.