Letter of Love #1

To you who hasn't come,

I'm not gonna assume that you already exist, for all I know, you're not born yet. Just like me, you may be feeling that you have not yet gone out of the lonely fetus embracing you. You're swimming, letting life pass you by, letting it flow on your veins. I'll start of by saying that YOU NEED TO KNOW ME. Let me introduce myself, I'm Eunice, an emotionally fucked up, too optimistic for my own good and a believer of the impossible.

It's sad that I can't be there for you yet, I guess I have to be really prepared before God'll let you knock me off my feet. I am not worried that we shall meet. Sometimes it just worries me that you need me now but I can't be there for you. You really need not worry about me, I look forward to not only holding your hand but to capture what is in your soul that'll eventually breathe life into me. I can't imagine what you might be doing at present, or tonight, or tomorrow... but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's the fact that SOMEHOW YOU ARE THINKING OF ME TOO. Not in a tangible kind of way. In the same way that I think of you too, in a sense that we are connected, that the mere blinking of my eyes affects how you tilt your head and smile.

I don't wish you a good night, but I wish that you go to bed not as lonely as me. I did say I'm emotionally fucked up right? Yet, I'm holding on to the idea that I HAVE YOU, will have you... and it turns this insanity into something so much better.

Everyday is an opportunity for me to be a better person. I do not live for you yet, but someday I will. And when we meet somewhere, somehow, we will know that we're finally together. Not to complete each other but to complement what we have become so far.

That is enough reason for me to celebrate Valentine's. To celebrate the you that will celebrate it with me...

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this is inspired by an article asking why we don't write love letters anymore. From now on, I'll hold on to the thought so loneliness won't eat away what I have to offer. So that my eyes will not have looks of "i'll end up lonely someday" but only of, "I have someone, though we have not yet met."

How APPROPRIATE

MY TAROT CARD FOR TODAY

The Ten of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in conscience. "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." I own responsibility for the baggage I have chosen to carry but I am ready to lay the weight of a burden or secret I have been hiding behind where it belongs in order to reconcile my conscience. Do I want to be right or alone? I am empowered by blind faith in fulfilling my purpose or greater good to "just do it," and I transform through in passion or direction in principle.

When It Sucks, It Sucks.

I won Peter Pan tickets pala. I checked my other mail today, it was for January 14. It's the reason for my superficial sadness. I missed an opportunity of a lifetime. I could've been there enjoying my fairytale. But I lost that chance. What a metaphor.

My other sadness is waaaay deeper. I cannot begin to describe the pain that I'm feeling. The hardest thing to do is to do the right thing. Or in my case, to be proper. To put myself in a proper perspective. I'm not selfless. I'm not a martyr. The pain is more real now than before. It's a stabbing spree. It's like i sold a lot of knives to be stabbed over and over again. It's the kind of pain that not only paralyzes you and stops but it goes into your soul, mind and it is felt even when you're asleep.

I did the right thing. But why does it feel like karma came back to me ten-fold and lost track of my good deeds?

Post - Mr. Law School 2007 Entry

Girl Friend:
My stomach ached last night because of you. It's the most fun Mr. Law School i've been to.

Aww. People have been approaching me just to tell me that they laughed their asses off last night because of me and AJ... that they had so much fun... that we have great rapport... that we were great hosts. These little demonstrations of appreciation make me fly. More than enough, more than enough. Thanks guys.

I had fun too. It was a great event. Even THE Rene SALUD said he liked me. Starstruck ako sobra. The candidates were great, the organizers were all accommodating and the crowd... Loooove it. I got a kiss and a hug from a really hot guy. The former Mr. Law School used his "digest" pickup line on me. I literally felt like a princess. Ang saya.

I had so much fun that I hope I get invited to host again next year. Ehem. If I still am here. Haha.

Btw, I officially have a boyfriend. MJ Bayang. It's an open relationship but we're sort of "together" now. Don't forget my flowers on Valentine's sweetie. Ralph Calinisan said we didn't have closure, pero sabi ko nga, he's an Ex now.. he shouldn't try to confuse me. I'm happy with MJ. He makes me feel kilig during Crim class. *winks... Kasi naman my absentee boyfriend Paopao Soriano is, as always, absent.

Gotta run to Starbucks so I could "attempt" to study.

A Little Slack?

Dear Eunice Zuleika,
Here is your horoscope
for Saturday, February 10:

Cut someone in your life a little slack. Heck, start with yourself. Being open to possibility means allowing room for mistakes. You'll find that life gets so much more fun and exciting when you do.

Tumpak!

Date of Birth: 14/05

As you know, Eunice, a certain decision in front of you means you have reached a turning point in your life. The hardest part about making this decision is, as usual, saying farewell to your old ways. The past can seem so cozy and reassuring, especially when the unknown looms. It takes strength and determination to leave it behind. But whether it is a matter of your career or your love life, you have personal goals that cannot be sacrificed or denied.

Fleeting

I guess it was a mere glimpse of fleeting hope re: what could be in the very far future. It's so me, falling for a string of happy moments not minding its blatant temporariness. I am letting TINKERBELL go FOR NOW not because I don't feel anything for him anymore but because the PRESENT is obviously NOT THE RIGHT TIME. It's a sad reality that I have to face. In the same way that I have to let go of feeling compelled to hear from him, or to interact with him because I feel a sense of security knowing that he's around. My life is OK, it's stable and it's supposed to inspire me to be the best that I can be.

It must be really because of Valentine's that my hormones are making me feel inadequate and insecure again. He's bad for me without him knowing it. He is not at fault because for all we know, he's just being a good friend still. Never mind the extra affection that my friends see him give me, which I refuse to recognize. Never mind the sweet little details that made me secretly smile and endear him to me. Never mind my wanting to skip when I walk with him. Never mind the way I transform into a silly kid when he attempts to be cute or funny. I'LL LET HIM BE. In the meantime, I have to teach myself to be contented again, independent and complete without that little significant piece of the puzzle that is him.

I should really snap out of it. If he knows that I've been in sweet misery because of him, I'm quite sure he'll leave. I CAN'T SURVIVE THAT. I can't stand the idea of losing him just because I pushed it.

I'm letting him go... for now. Ask me again tomorrow, I might've changed my mind by then. After all, "FLEETING" is the word of my life.

VICE

My tears refuse to fall because they only fall when i'm with you...
My eyes, all watery and red, wander around looking for what is not there...
Coffee is not as bitter as the taste of your name on my lips...
Alcohol numbs me but not my inner pain...
Even a pack of cigarette won't take away the tremble in my hands....

YOU are my greatest VICE. Please don't put me on withdrawal.

ME Time

I need my ME time because truth be told, I'm pissed that my bad day is conquering my usually strong and bubbly personality. I feel like I woke up this morning destined to feel bad and to feel like this whole day'll be a total mess. I don't want to be the one who'll ruin other people's moods so I had to flee and hibernate in my pseudo-sanctuary. NO INTERACTIONS, NO PRESSURE TO BE CHEERFUL and NO COMPULSION TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M NOT IN MY NORMAL AURA. It's totally a day of crankiness that's triggered by the littlest of things. A lot of people are bound to celebrate and as for me, I'm playing the role of a killjoy old woman. I don't like this feeling but there really is nothing left to do but succumb to it. I'm hoping that by writing this down, I could at least cool down or prepare myself for the dry run at 9pm. No tension, no stress, no negative vibes. I pray that something happens to cheer me up. FAST.

I hate it that my lack of sense of responsibility is bringing me to misery. My day is continuing to suck.

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(written at Starbucks while sipping my grande Pink Guava in solitude)

LOST BOY

Kaya pala nanjan ka.. sabi sa Horoscope ko:

A new person in your life is intensifying efforts to communicate with you. Give yourself time to sort through how you feel about this, because you might not know how to react at first. This person is still a bit of a mystery to you, and you might not be quite sure what to think. Is it all some sort of joke? In a very odd way, this confusion will be refreshing and exciting to you. Instead of frustrating you, this person is putting you in touch with a new part of yourself.

Thanks dude.

FOR PICTURES AND MEMORIES

visit my multiply site, just because it's easier to upload images there...

http://jersee.multiply.com

PUNTA NA!

Erratum: Nakakainis na wala man lang nag-correct sa aking title na MELODIE HAVE FINALLY FALLEN. Grammatically incorrect po.. HAS FINALLY FALLEN DAPAT! Lech. Subject-verb agreement di ko pa magawa ng tama. hehe.