The Sign Off

Dear You,

I have been meaning to tell you. I have been meaning to say that my heart has fallen prey to the hunt that was unintended, a beginning that could not be mended...

Your resolve that can't be bended.

I have been meaning to tell you, that when we laugh and share and stay, my only question is "why can't you find your way?"

Why won't you know that it was not my intention to lead you on because you lead me

and behind you, I chose to weigh?

I have been meaning to tell you of the infinitely many times that I have decided to walk away.

Of the nights that I look at you and my heart won't let me be okay.

That for years I've had my share of romantic foreplay, and with you, I have mastered the play.

A play that leaves me astray.

A strategy that allows me to define "come what may".

It did not come, and today, what "may" has become "what may not" but hey,

We're okay.

I'm sorry that I didn't get to say.

Maybe tomorrow but definitely not today.

I love you,  and I'm sorry that you probably do, too.

But our differently executed love failed to pull through.

They were not in the same way that most lovers' love do.

I love you.

I'm sorry for not telling you,

For now, Merry Christmas and a Happy New You.

Me

Pagpapaalam ng Paalam

Ikaw,

Ipinaglaban kita, paulit-ulit na pumusta. Araw-araw na nangamusta, ngunit ang tapang ay paubos na.

Panahon na yatang maghiwalay. Manatiling naghihintay o kumaway na lamang na pang-habambuhay.

Patuloy na tatakbo ang ating buhay. Lalaban ang pusong pinilit na mamahay.

Patawad, sinta, ako'y napagod nang mabalot ng lumbay. Ang dating malakas na tibok ng puso  ay kailangan nang patahimikin nang hinay-hinay.

Ito na ang katapusan ng umpisang hindi naumpisahan.

Ito na ang paglisan ng lihim na pangakong naging kalabisan.

Patawad kung wala nang mananatili, kahit ang pagkakaibigan na noong unang panahon ay sabay nating napili.

Aalalahanin ang ngiti, kakalimutan ang pighati.

Kay tagal rin na ako'y nagtimpi.

Ito na ang aking huling bati.

Ang dating permanenteng oo ay papalitan na ng siguradong hindi.

Ang babaeng hindi mo napili,
Ako

Of Promising Things

#DearYou,

Today, a promising thing was broken because "I deserve a good man." I know I have been writing to you about kindness, about how I am trying to be the best that I can be so when I finally find you, we can be the best that we can be together.

Today, I feel tired, defeated and unworthy. I don't need compliments, I don't need false admiration. I need someone who stays when things are difficult. I need someone who will allow me to be there for him when the only solution in his head is parting.

Today, I write to plead. When you find me, don't ever think that I need you to be the best to be with me. When you find me, believe that all I want is to let you be... with me.

Today, I will keep fighting when the person I was banking on just chose to set me free.

Today, I will fight for me.

Forever, I will fight for thee.

Let me be yours,
and yours, I will be.

Me

The Layers of Prayers

When God answers our prayers, He does not follow the normal FAQ template. What He gives us is a bonus question that tests our ability to think outside of our perceived scope and reminds us that we may not have solved that challenging mathematical equation yet but there is always hope.

The answer may not be clear at present but if we spend more time really thinking about it, we will find the solution , sometimes on our own but most of the time with a little help from God-sent angels that roam the Earth.

So, cheer up, lovers and friends.

We only fail when we stop trying and we only pass when we insist to keep on going.

After all, although our prayers can keep us grounded, it is real faith that enlightens us after the countless times when we feel that we've been blind-sided. 🤗

#EssayWritingContestPostGinebraChampionshipEdition

#DearYou,

Someday, I will talk to you about kindness and how there were a lot of times in my life when it felt like it has become a weakness.

Today, like some other days, kindness hurts, not because there is hatred but because there is love.

You know how you start with the best of intentions and end up giving too much that you feel empty? That's how I sometimes feel, and as much as I want it to stop, a part of me wishes that it doesn't because the feeling of not caring enough for that seed of emptiness is worse than being blind.

A few weeks ago, I had a very rare conversation with a stranger that was created in the likeness of you, and in the rawest of moments, he talked about loneliness. How we all are, even in a world where everyone seems connected, a bit lonely.

I held his hand, hoping that at that particular point in time, he knows that he is not alone, that I was there for him and with him because we all deserve to have someone who cares through and through.  He held my hand back and I thought, it can finally be true.

Yet, now, I feel a bit blue.

It is easy to be strong and hardest to allow yourself to be weak. Even when you are alone and you know that you will get through the loneliness, admitting that you might not is one of the most difficult for one's wellness.

I don't know where you are or if you sometimes feel lonely, too, but I want you to remember that you have to remain to be kind even when you are disappointed by what you thought you knew.

When you are kind, you become the silver lining to the saddest soul. When you are kind, you become the a soul that finds comfort in being true.

When you are kind, you don't need to mind and when you don't mind, it is also kindness that you will aim to find.

I will find you.

I will wait for you.

I will take care of my heart so I can be kindest when I'm with you.

I will pray for you so you can be kindest when you find me, too.

Love,
Me

#DearYou, 

Today, I keep playing memories from the past in my head, desperately trying to understand what I did or did not do to deserve a life that repeatedly fails in finding you. 

There were so many instances when I thought I was finally going to to make a breakthrough but they abruptly ended and I willed myself to make it through.

It doesn't matter how many times I fail. 

The tears I shed produce a clearer trail.

A trail that hopes to guide you when you are most frail.

When it finally happens, my love, our hearts will sail. 

We got this. 

Love,
Me

Fall's Alarm

a.k.a. Hindsight 20/20
a.k.a. Charge it to Experience
a.k.a. Subject Matter Expert Advice

1. Bago ka mag-fall, dapat konting abiso sa inaasahan mo na sasalo sa'yo. Baka gusto ka naman saluhin, hindi lang siya na-inform.

2. At kung meron ka nang naabisuhan na sumalo, huwag ka na mag-notify ng iba. Kasi yung dalawa na sinabihan mong sumalo sa'yo malamang-lamang magkakabanggaan lang habang pabagsak ka at ang ending, babagsak ka mag-isa.

3. Huwag kang pa-fall.

Una, baka risk-taker siya, biglang tumalon nang hindi ka pa handang sumalo (assuming na may intensyon kang sumalo).

Pangalawa, kung wala ka palang intensyon, tantanan mo siya. Mahabag ka.

Pangatlo, kung last minute kang nagdesisyon na sumalo, mag-sorry ka. Chances are na-realize na niyang mali ang bagsak niya.

Pang-apat, hindi ito basketball, hindi naga-apply ang fakes. Hindi pwedeng ipapahiwatig mo na magd-drive ka, magkasabay kayong aariba tapos biglang aatras ka pala habang siya lumundag na.

4. Ikaw na pa-fall, kung na-misinterpret ka (or so you claim) huwag mong sasabihin na hindi mo sinadya. Ok, baka hindi mo talaga sinadya.  Huwag mo nang i-attempt na maintindihan niya. Nahulog na nga yung tao ipagduduldulan mo pa. Sige na. Friendly ka na. Good job. Wooohoo. Hangout hangout. Yes. PBB Teens.

5. Ikaw namang pala-fall, matuto kang mag-fall with caution. Minsan, akala mo may sasalo sa baba kaya mega lundag ka. Eh wala. All systems go ka nga pero radio silence naman siya. Matutong alamin ang terrain, maglagay ng safety net kung posible o kaya ay magsuot ng parachute para matanggap ang truth.

6. At pinakaimportante, tanggapin ang resulta. Dalawa lang yan, sinalo ka ba o hindi? Kung sinalo ka, tuloy ang storya.

Kung pinabayaan kang mahulog mag-isa, tumayo ka nang mag-isa.

The Chase

#DearYou,

I'm sorry that I am taking so long to get to where you are.

Sometimes, I imagine us to be running around in circles, with me barely catching up with the you that have been trying to catch up with me, too. From afar, while the universe watches us with disbelief, the silliness of this cycle will hit us and what used to be a chase will be a kind of stillness that laughs at our inability to stay.

Someday, you will be smart enough to look my way when I am smart enough not to look away.

One day, we will not be too afraid. Instead, we will regret that with our feelings, we played, when we could have sat together under love's shade.

Today may not be that day but I promise a kind of promise that whatever happens will not fade.

Until our future romantic trade. Until we recognize that for each other, we are made.

Wait for us,
Me

#EssayWritingContest2017 - Ep. 3

#DearYou,

This year, I learned that the best way to get the answers to your questions is to ask them yourself - even if the answer is the scariest probability that you can think of.

I learned that imagined realities are worse than painful realities and that assumptions can fail you when you've built them on your own.

This year, I've hoped that I might have finally found you, in between awkward silences, moments of vulnerabilities and rationalized certainties when, truly, I ended up just finding the desire again to be with you.

I got a bit impatient, tried to force what wasn't meant. Bumped my heart, and broke it, now it's left with some fresh dent.

All I did was keep quiet even if what I wanted was to tell the universe how beautiful things turned out to be just for rent.

This year, I got my heart a bit skewed again.

This year, thrice, I believed, felt relieved, lost my heart and had it retrieved, gave it away again only to be deceived, and finally found the courage to say 'enough' and leave.

This year, I learned that there is no need for me to bleed. This year, I realized that if it was love, we will heed. And if it isn't, it can't be a need.

Find comfort in knowing that when we finally see each other, the music that is the beating of our hearts will not be silenced by the love that can't help itself but be loud.

When I finally find you, I will know that it's you. Instead of having a kind of love that asks questions, ours will be the kind that will have learned from these lessons.

When I find you, you will say that it is you. You will hold my hand and I will recognize a connection that is true.

When you find me, you will know that it's me. I will hug you tightly and you'll finally feel that it is ok to be free.

Happy New Year, You.

It's another year, another chance to get here.

Until it happens, until we happen, let's make it happen.

------
Pakahirap mag-type sa phone. I THANK YOU.

#EssayWritingContest2017 - Ep. 2

Last night, amidst the "chaos", I told myself,

 "You are very lucky, Eunice. You have friendships that endure the test of distance (among other things) and remain to be relevant when the things that used to connect you have disappeared and all that remain are love, respect and the desire to protect each other no matter what."

As 2017 ends, I want to say thank you to friends that keep the fire of friendship burning and to people who stayed, even if they had the luxury to be very afraid.

Everyday, know that I choose to stay with you, too.  I choose to choose love and when things are sinking, I choose to rise above.

To group hugs that never end, to jokes that are meant to let broken hearts mend, and to silly banters that take other people forever to comprehend... cheers to the freaking yearend!