Inexpressible love – to know that one doesn't write for the other, to know that these things I'm going to write will never cause me to be loved by the one I love, to know that writing compensates for nothing. – R. Barthes
Yesterday, I did something Im proud of but will eventually make me the most miserable woman on earth. I gave my letter of proposal to the man Ive been loving for quite sometime now and 24 hours after, I didnt get any reaction from him. Id like to think, that like me, he's also disoriented and that he's rethinking about what he's gonna do bout it, but I have a greater feeling that he'll just let me go and make me live my life without him in the picture. A part of me is saying that I did the right thing, of course it's rational, at least now I can move on and I can stop romanticizing every single memory that we have together yet, a greater part of me thinks that if only I didn't give it to him, things would still be normal and that I will still be able to be as close to him as I want to without him thinking that I’m flirting with him.
(After two weeks)
I don’t regret doing it, but as much as I want to say that I’m ready for whatever the consequences of my decision are, I can never be too ready… now, every second feels like a pin pricks my raw skin and makes me bleed. Every minute is like a lifetime of misery, fear and uncertainty. Every hour burns me like an overwhelming flame of suffering. I am dying.. he is killing me not softly but slowly…
. I still can’t believe I gathered the courage to make my friend give it to him and confess what I truly feel. I must admit though, I expected something wonderful out of it, I expected him to accept it as the “matured man” whom I thought he was. When I wrote the letter, I was full of hope that at least he would appreciate the fact that someone’s vocally admiring him and loving him despite of everything. I was so engrossed with the idea that he’ll find it exceptionally sweet and will eventually find it in his heart to try to get to know me more so we’ll both find out if there’s the littlest of hope that we can make it as a couple, or even as companions. Well, I gave him too much credit. His reaction was just so devastating for me that right now, I’m not only mending a broken heart but also a broken ego. I pictured the scenarios long before the letter got into his hands. I even listed in my mind the things which possibly will happen after that fateful day.
1. He will be greatly flattered, will text me as soon as he finished reading it and say thank you. The next day, he’ll surprise me with a bouquet of fresh flowers and invite me to a dinner date with him. We’ll talk about our memories, and how he finally gathered the courage to admit to himself that he’s in fact also in great attraction to me. we’ll make the decision to try it out as a couple and we’ll end the night with a passionate kiss. (This is the overly optimistic, too-good-to-be-true ending)
2. He will call me on the telephone to tell me that he didn’t realize that it’s what I feel for him, will feel flattered about it. The next day we’ll talk, he’ll drop the bomb, that he doesn’t see himself in a relationship with me (for whatever reason), I’ll cry but not in pure sadness but also with happiness because I got the closure I wanted. We’ll still be friends, we’ll be closer than before and I’ll be back in the dating scene with another exceptional experience added to my future autobiography.
3. I will not be hearing from him a couple of days after, but after a week (maximum) he’ll ask me if we can talk. He’ll confess that he still can’t believe I did such a thing and will tell me that it was too much for him to handle. (which is an implicit way of telling me he got turned off) then he’ll say that right now he is undecided of how he wants to end this story and he’ll be asking me for sometime to think. That we need time away from each other (as if not talking to me for a week want enough). Of course I’ll give it to him, we’ll still be friends. While waiting, I’ll be meeting new men and in the process get over him (because if he really likes me, no matter how conservative he is, his reaction will be different) then we’ll bump into each other, he’ll see me with another man, we’ll smile at each other, give each other that knowing smile which says we both understood that when we had the last conversation, it was over and that he didn’t want to hurt me too much and reject me directly because even if he doesn’t love me, he cares for me as a friend.
I was open to the idea of rejection, in fact it was my “reality scenario” but like what we always say, one can never be too ready for the harsh gifts of life. Long after he received my letter, he still doesn’t talk to me. He avoids me like a lethal virus and now I feel like my being attracted to anyone will be such a disgrace for the man. I had too much faith in the friendship which I thought he at least gives importance to. I had too much faith in his maturity and his judgment. It’s true, a woman in love never sees faults in her significant other but finds reasons for these imperfections. A woman in love never admits that their differences will greatly affect their harmonious relationship. Yes, I am mending not only a broken heart but also a broken ego. From my confidence level almost reaching 100%, it dropped to almost nothing, if he can’t fall for me, who would?? now, everything I believed in is being tested by how things are going. It hurts more than I can put and express into words. My tears are not even enough to measure how much pain and agony it’s now causing me. I am a strong woman, I know I’ll get through this, but like every failure I’ve had in my life, I know that I will never ever forget. I will never move on totally and with this experience will emerge a new insecurity, a new uncertainty which will make my life’s baggage heavier.
I fear for myself, I fear for the day that I might lose the faith I have for the power of LOVE. I know that something just went wrong with the singer and not the song, it’s about the lover not the love, but still, it’s the operative word right? If unconditional love can’t do it, then what can? I don’t know if this is my karma, for dating a lot of men in the past, for dumping a couple of men, for being a player or for being the “great one”. It can’t be like that, I wasn’t that heartless before to deserve such pain. If only he’ll give me the chance to at least talk to him and to ask him why… I have rehearsed, over and over again, in front of the mirror on how I would react to the scenarios I listed above, but now, if ever we get the chance to talk, I know I’ll cry. I will hate myself for crying in front of him because I don’t want him to see the weak side of me. I don’t want him to remember me as the girl who broke down and cried. My first line would be, “I expected more maturity from you… you have no right to avoid me like I’m such a pathetic, desperate loser..” but I know that at the back of my mind, the only thing I would really wanna do is to kiss him and make him understand how right it feels for us to be together. Yeah, and that too will be a bigger mistake because he most probably won’t kiss me back and he definitely won’t change his mind. It will just make me feel more of a loser and it will be harder for me to let him go because aside from the love that I feel, the feel of his lips against mine will be haunting me through all of my sleepless nights. Then I will be fantasizing of the day when I can look at him in the eye and get revenge from the look of regret in him for losing me and letting me pass him by. But that’s fiction.
In reality, I’m miserable, more miserable than I’d like everyone to think. He may look miserable in my friends’ eyes but my misery will be beyond what can be seen and perceived. My misery is undetected and more destructive. My misery is also my redemption. Until the day I find numbness from someone else’s misery, I will be miserable and I will be pretending….
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