I NEVER DO ANYTHING WELL ANYMORE

"Running around trying to do too much in one day means you never do anything well."

It is dawning on me, the things I do at present are almost all mediocre. They're all half-baked, not as perfect as i want them to be. This is applicable to very aspect of my life, may it be academic, extra-curricular, family... love life. They're all "almost's that are never quite". Law school taught me to let some things go especially if they are out of my control. But I never acknowledged that there are things that are out of my control... their state of not being in my control is just a manifestation of my not doing things the right way. Every situation is a consequence of my choices, my decisions, my acts.

Sabi ko nga. "FATE IS THE PRELUDE TO A DECISION." So far, my decisions leave me exactly where I began... on a threadmill, running around with nowhere to go and no one to go to.

Soembody pull the plug please.

Sabi ni Father...

"When you fail on something, YOU DON'T STOP. You bounce back. The worst thing you can do is decide that you won't do that thing you failed in again and won't try harder to be better."

Ayos. This is what we all need to remember.

A Little Ally McBeal Goes A Long Way

"We''re not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want."

Siguro.

"I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia."

Hehe.

"Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones."

This is so me. Shit. I won't end up alone just like Ally right? Or will I?

Magaling

Sa sobrang tagal mag-start ng "FINALS WEEK" ko, ngayon ko lang na-realize na wala pa pala akong PERMIT.

Magaling, magaling, magaling.

BOOK MOOCH

I read this article in Manila Bulletin by Blooey Singson about the site www.bookmooch.com. It's an online book exchange site wherein you give away your books so you can get books from other people. I am looooving it. The idea is brilliant. People who are looking for books should check it out.

PILITAN PARIN

Friend: Ganito kasi yan, kung lower batch... Pwedeng di pa sya ready for you. Kung 4th year... wag na un, paalis na un e. Kung batchmate natin, tanga na lang un.

Euns: Tanga sya. Pero pwedeng di pa sya ready for me. Definitely di pa sya paalis.
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Yet another clue. haha. Fun no? Kasi feeling ko mawawala na sya after finals, so might as well write as many entries about him as possible.

SOURCES OF JOY

I needed some cheering up last night and like an answered prayer, there was an unexpected reunion. I was staring at emptiness, trying to entertain myself through netsurfing when suddenly, half of my SOURCE OF JOY tandem, Mr. Koko Nograles, emerged. His mere presence immediately made me feel better. He treated Ces and I to yet another bucket of beer and while we were catching up, the second half of my SOURCE OF JOY tandem, Mr. Paopao Soriano arrived. Interesting enough, Paopao drank beer with us. That was more than enough for my sort of sad "drama queen" heart.

It was as if God wanted to tell me, "See, I don't want you to feel sad my daughter. I love you too much."

Koko and Paopao. My redundantly named sources of joy. Sa uulitin. I MISS YOU GUYS SOOOO MUCH.

DONKEY

After i picked my card, my other personal reader explained....

"Alam mo un donkey? Tapos may pinapain na carrot sa kanya... tapos tumatakbo sya pero sa threadmill? Para kang ganun. Takbo ka ng takbo pero wala naman pinupuntahan. Kumbaga, minsan nagp-pretend ka pa na masaya ka, tumatakbo ka with one leg... Pero sa huli paggising mo, wala kang napuntahan. NASA THREADMILL KA PARIN!"

She couldnt have explained it better. The way i feel right now. I dont know where i'm going, i don't know where we're going. In fact, I am slowly giving up. It must be one of those finals "almost love stories" that I traditionally always have. I run and I run, hoping that I'm getting close. But after tiring myself, I realize... I'm still here. Being still. Amidst all the movement.

I hope I'll find someone to be still with. SOON.

Fiction: Ten Minutes

It was one of those awkward walks, there was no rain but there could have very well been. The existence of rain would've been more appropriate. The woman secretly smiled while the guy walked faster than expected.

"I am giving you ten more minutes to tell me. After that, I wouldn't care. Or at least try not to. I will still listen to your raves and rants about it or him but that's as far as it will get. Listening is the only thing I promise to do." The guy teasingly threatened while he unintentionally steals the girl's confused thoughts.

"Ano ka ba. I didn't even tell my closest friends. Believe me, it's nothing personal. In fact, it will just burden you if you know. Don't threaten me with your 'not caring' please." The girl gently tapped the guy's right shoulder, purposefully but hesitantly. It was as if she was sending a silent call for help. Or not. It was a call alright, it was a call to look beyond what has already been said.

The guy shrugged his shoulder, gave the girl a half-smile that showed his endearing but distracting dimples and said, "You have eight minutes and twenty-three seconds left. Here's a better deal for you, if you tell me... I'll tell you who I like. Ha! That's more than what you need. In fact, the only people who know are two of my closest friends. You don't even have to guess."

"Just tell me which year she's from and I'll decide. Come on, it's not commensurate. I already told you which year my better flame is from. Time to return the favor dude." The girl felt nervous, knowing that she could break. He knows I'm gonna break. He knows I am considering telling him. What he doesn't know is that I want to but I couldn't.

She was interrupted from her thought by his now impatient voice, "Seven minutes, fifteen seconds. I don't want to guess. Until now, I have no idea who you're talking about. I want to hear it from you. You know what, I assure you, if you tell me... I am going to help you. You are going to start dating. And I won't tell anyone. Come on, you already know that! What's stopping you from telling me anyway? I'm taking it that you don't trust me enough. That's sad."

The girl looked at the boy, stopped walking and pleaded, "Please don't make me tell you. This has nothing to do with trust, this has nothing to do with you telling other people. I know for sure that you won't. It's just a promise that I gave myself. It's just my way."

"Five minutes. You have five minutes and I swear I won't bother you about it again. Tell me who he is and I'll tell you if you should continue or not. I just want to protect you, you're my friend. I don't want you to go out with someone whom I think doesn't deserve you. What stopping you?" He sounded more than impatient, in fact, he sounded desperate and annoyed.

With a worried smile she managed to reply, "Hey, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't even help me with this. Don't make me tell you. Please. Aren't we going to talk about something else? This is beginning to be tiring..."

"Nope. We're not gonna talk about something else. Your reasons are shallow. I still don't get why you can't tell me." His hands brushed through his hair and looked away. They bought fell silent as they neared the guy's parked car. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two.... one. Deal's over. Let's go, I'm gonna take you home." He opened the door for her, both are still silent. It was as if there was a bet, whoever talks first will lose. She reminded him to wear his seatbelt but he didn't.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you now." She went out of the car and hailed a cab. He followed and waited until she left. "Text me when you get home..." She added. Like good friends, they kissed each other goodnight.

Their ten minutes was over. For her, it felt like a lifetime. She can't wait to start again.

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Author's Note: I miss writing.

Of Dating and Nothing More

Last night, on yet another drinking session with friends [during Finals Week, yes we're sinners], we got into a discussion about dating and nothing more. It's about going out with no strings attached, having fun without expecting anything in return. I miss that. I think I'm through that stage of my life where what is important is only now and not the future. It used to work.

Now, I am very tempted to try it again. To give in to what seems like the more logical thing to do, just have fun and enjoy someone's company without having to worry about feelings and second dates and games. But i love games. Games make me live. Games make me feel. Games make me happy... for a certain period of time.

So now, I am sort of confused.

I WAS SO TEMPTED

But i had to say no. For my sanity, and yours.